That's ok JL.
I appreciate that you tried.
It does seem I am jumping all over the place....the truth is, I am afraid to say what's really bothering me.

Here it is:

The romantic feelings I used to have for DH, have not come back.

I have trouble with SF because I need those feelings to be able to want it and enjoy it.

Ok, hit me.

I also think that along the way, I have somehow convinced myself that sex is BAD. Sometimes, I even want to puke at the thought of it.

No NOW*, I am not telling you otherwise, nor is anyone else.

Pornography is mental adultery.....lusting after someone who is not your wife, no matter how one tries to justify it.

Marriage is an exclusive arrangement where the couple voluntarily "gives up" their rights sexually to each other.

It is one of reasons why Scripture tells us to not forsake the needs of our partner in this area. Even "fasting" is to be kept to a minimum so that we are not "tempted."

Regarding "fault," can we agree that the marital "environment" was such that either or both of you "felt" that your needs weren't being met and that that feeling resulted in rationalization and justification that committing a sin against God and against the marriage was somehow "okay?"

Both marriage partners are responsible for the "environment." Commission of sin is the responsibility of the individual sinner. Positive changes, such as in meeting each others EN's, is directed at the "environment" and the removal of rationalizations and justifications to seek fulfillment outside of the marriage.

Does that help clarify things for you?

God bless.

Yes, thank you FH.

I had never really even looked at Porn as adultery until after my own affair. Even then, I think I just looked the other way, told myself it wasn't as "bad" as what I had done.
But, I know better. And now, I look at it differently from what I used to.

I am sorry to everyone for jumping to conclusions about your posts. I misunderstood what you were trying to say.

Ah NOW,

Ok, then we do have something to talk about don't we? You said
And is it possible you are afraid?? What are you afraid of?


I am tempted to offer you some ideas, but intimacy is a very very complex subject and I surely am not an expert.[/quote]


Not a chance NOW, not a chance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You have no doubt heard and grown weary of my lectures about love, but indulge me one more time. Your feelings are why you make the vow to LOVE your H "till death do us part." You don't vow to "feel in love" with your H. And right now you don't. Could be menapause, could be a touch of depression, it could be many things. But, don't panic that you don't "feel" romantic. Your job and his job is to love each other as in the verb.

Now with physical intimacy, IF a person is forced to do it, then often resentment results. AND (I have been using this quote far too much lately but here goes again)



So I suspect you are poisoning yourself, and your body is responding accordingly, as are your emotions. You have no "feeling" of romance with your H. BUT, you need it don't you?

If I am at all right, then I think there is a lot of hope in all of this. First YOU must identify the resentment, if that is in fact the case. Next, you must identify what would constitute "romantic" in your mind. And then you must come up with a plan to involve your H in rebuilding the sense of romance you need. Him looking at porn is probably NOT high on that list <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> right?

So if he is to love you as a verb, what would you accept as his love, what do you need, AND here is the biggie, what will YOU give to him.

Falling back into loving "feelings" is as much about giving as receiving, perhaps more depending on the person.

So is this a long enough of a "to do" list? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Please think about it and then you and I, as well as many others can discuss this with the idea planning PROJECT NOW.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

((( hug )))

how old are you (I forgot)

Pep

I am terrified that if DH knew this, he would be devastated, maybe even want to leave me.

I am not sure if there is any resentment, I'll have to think hard about that one.

Thank you for giving me hope about this (You have!)

Sometimes it all seems impossible. I feel two-faced, a little bit, for all the advice I gave FL....it sure is weird sometimes how things work together the way they do!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Pep, I am 44 and a half!

Thanks for the hug!

I'm signing off for the evening....but please keep posting. I'll be back tomorrow. Thanks!

It could be your hormones are getting scrambled ... perimenopause is crazy-making ....

look into it

OK?

Pep <~~~ the view from the other side is spectacular !

NOW,

You said
My first comment is <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> . My second comment is that there is more than hope. You don't "feel" it but clearly you know it, you value your H and you value his presence in your life. That is why you are afraid he would leave you.

NOW, this will take time and perhaps the help of a good counselor, coupled with what Pep is telling you about the hormonal issue of perimenopause or full blown menopause. But, NOW you have a lot more hope than you realize given just this statement. Think about why you made it, it wasn't just to protect him was it?


Most definetly do think about this but consider the statements you made about your worry of the marriage going back to what it was pre-A. Got a feeling there are somethings lurking there, that you have not addressed.


Not sure who you are thanking, but yes there is hope NOW. More than you realize right now.


Yes, it is weird, but remember this. People here will help you, and more importantly I am betting big time your H will help you, he just has to know what he needs to do. In short, he needs Marching Orders.

Have a good night.

JL

Notonlywords*,

Here comes peace of mind for you.

There is absolutely NO justification for pornography.

Don't let men make you feel like you should lay down for evil.

Pornography is a complete and ruinous degradation of women - all for the physical pleasure of sinful men.

If your husband is relying on pornography to complete his relationship with you, no wonder you don't enjoy having sex with him.

What wife likes having sex with a husband who's drooling over other women?

Pornography is adultery. You can read about it in the Bible.

I can't remember the verse number at the moment, but it goes like this, "he who looks at another woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart".

Men, who tell you that pornography is okay and that you are crazy by not accepting it as a wife, only want to justify their horrible sin to themselves.

It won't work on Judgment Day. So they better begin to face the truth now.

Respect yourself. God made you for a beautiful, true love-giving and love-receiving purpose.

When your husband gives up his adultery (pornography), then you will begin to enjoy sex with him.

You are NEVER meant to enjoy sex with an adulterous husband. God didn't make you for that reason.

If your husband loves you, he'll give up other women (pornography) for you. If he doesn't, then he doesn't love you.

If you're going to start pulling bible verses, then also pull 1st Corinthians, chapter 7:


If you're going to take the stance "the bible says pornography is NEVER OK", then you should also take the stance, "the bible says that you should NEVER deprive your husband of sexual fulfilment by your own choice alone"

(or a husband deprive his wife, o course)

Hey NOW,

sorry i did not see this during the day. not sure how much i can add here right now but i wanted to send you a hug.

{{{{{NOW}}}}

i hope your evening is going well.

i'll be back tommorow too.

{{{NOW}}} You know how to reach me if you want to "talk".

Techie,

I have explained to him what is going on with me....hormones out of whack from menopause. He is not pushing me to have sex AT ALL. So to me, that means we are in mutual agreement. At least that is what I thought. But if he goes to pornography in the meanwhile, then he is not honoring the part about his body not being his own, is he?

Observing,

What you said about him using pornogrpahy to 'complete" his relationship with me....I think that is what bothers me, and has been bothering me all these years.
Because like I said before, when I didn't have this low libido problem, when I was enthusiastic about sex, he still used the porn from time to time. Is it any wonder I felt I was not enough for him?

Pep,
I definitely have approached menopause. I will know in about a month if I have "reached" it. Symptoms started pre-A, and I feel it was a contributing factor to it. I had no idea what was happening to me.
Right now, one of my biggest complaints is brain fog...easily overwhelmed and confused and I have trouble sometimes focusing. Tonight, I am having trouble sleeping, but that hasn't happened in quite a while.

JL...I haven't been able to come up with anything I might feel resentment about...perhaps it is all due to old ways rearing their ugly heads....issues we have talked about after the affair that I thought we had resolved. For example, I feel that I come last on his "to-do" list. He takes on more than he can handle and then expects me/asks me to take up the slack. Of course, I slip back into my old ways by not agressively protesting a lot of it. Honestly, because of how menopause makes me feel, I am too tired, unmotivated, fogged out(not the wayward spouse kind of fog!), etc. I just don't seem to have the energy or clear-headedness I need to deal with it.

The lines between this possibly being about my hormones but possibly being about "other" issues is so blurry...if I knew for sure, it would be a heck of a lot easier to know what to do.

FL, thanks for stopping in and giving me a hug!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Faithful, thank you, too.

I probably shouldn't be posting since I've only managed three hours of sleep tonight. But I thought I would write things down as they occurred to me.

I don't know if any of you knew this, some maybe do...but back in November I was in a head-on collision....not my fault. Someone was waiting to turn left across traffic, got rear-ended and pushed into my path....I couldn't avoid it. The man who was rear-ended died as a result. The guy who rear-ended him was cited for careless driving.

Anyway, as you might imagine, I had a difficult time dealing with this....my daughter and her friend, who were with me, could have been killed. We were very lucky, only some minor bruises and sprains. I was terrified to drive for a while after that, especially on the road where it happened.

While I was having trouble dealing, DH said to me, "Most people would be happy they survived...I've heard people say it changed their life." So what i am hearing is this: "You shouldn't be scared or depressed or feeling bad. You should be happy you are ok. Your feelings are wrong."

Well, I didn't say much at the time, but later I had asked him to go to the store and get me some Motrin since I was having some pain. He was too busy to run 15 miles to the grocery store, so he went to a local grocer and they didn't have any. I blew up at him for this, he ended up sending my daughter to town for the Motrin. I felt uncared for, I felt like I was somehow flawed because I didn't feel the way he thought I should.

He had also mentioned to me that the first thing he thought when i called to tell him I had been in an accident was "I wouldn't have been able to make love to her again if she had died."

Why that bothered me I'm not sure. And I feel like it "shouldn't" bother me.

Yes, we talked about this...or rather, i told him how I felt about these things. He didn't have much to say. So I have no clue what he thinks/thought after that.

That's usually how our conversations go. I say what I am feeling and he sits there in silence. I usually take that to mean something negative.

Now since it's 5AM, my mind is going haywire, and I sit here and wonder, if he really only thinks of me as an object for sex, would he admit that to me?
I doubt it.

I thought he understood what I needed from him..attention, admiration, conversation.
So I come here looking for it...sounds pathetic, but it sure beats looking in the "wrong" place again.

NOW* - may I ask you a personal question? You don't need to answer if you don't want to.

Are both you and your husband born again believers in Jesus Christ? If so, what part does obedience to God play in your lives?

I'm asking because your previous two posts "reek" with apparent self-focus, self-centeredness, from both of you and it seems incongruous with your sig line quotation.

FH, I already feel bad enough about myself. If my posts sound like they "reek", it is because I am a sinner.

I realize we are both self-centered. It is a vicious circle that I am having trouble stepping out of.

I am a born-again believer, so is my husband.

I have been studying the Bible a lot lately, trying to get answers and help.

What are you getting at?