A Christ-centered marriage for professing believers.


Does your husband want to have a good marriage with you and with God as the head of the marriage?

Do you also want the same?


These may seem like ridiculous questions, but the issue I am "driving at" is the truth of James concering faith.


God bless.

FH, that is what I want.

I don't know if my DH feels the same.

I'm ready to listen. I can't change him, only myself.
I love him dearly. I want to be the best wife I can be, and I want to be in obedience to God.
About the time I think I'm doing ok in that regard, I find I haven't been at all.
I feel like I'm under some sort of attack.
Or is God trying to get my attention?
I don't know!

Then getting the answer to that question from your husband would seem to be THE starting point, wouldn't you think?

Forget all about "EN's," etc. until you have that answer. Once you have that answer you will both be able to address EN issues, etc.

Until then you are living in the equivalent of an "unequally yoked marriage." Keep in mind that it appears both of your have royally screwed up your marriage, so what the question pertains to is "from this day forward, forgetting what is in the past" and striving to conform yourselves and your marriage to more and more "Christ-likeness."

God bless.

Is God trying to get your attention? I doubt it. The indwelling Holy Spirit doesn't "try" to get your attention, He gets your attention.

The "problem" most often lies in the "fallen sin-nature" that we all have and that we all struggle against even as believers. One of the reasons that we have the "Full Armor of God" described in the Bible is so that we will be prepared to resist temptation, to fight against our own human nature with the tools God has provided us, and to HEAR what the Holy Spirit is telling us and then ACT upon it instead of giving in to our human nature and ignoring what the Holy Spirit is telling us to do. God does NOT force us to do anything. WE are responsible to God for our choices and actions in much the same way as it is our individual choice and responsiblity for ignoring the Speed Limit sign on the highways.

If you want to get started along this "new path," let me recommend a book to you that you BOTH need to read.

It is called Magnificent Marriage by Gordon MacDonald. Try it. You might like it.

God bless.

I feel like a complete and utter fool.

{{{{NOW}}}}

I am so sorry to hear about the accident although I rejoice that you and the girls are ok!!

I completely understand how that would leave you scared to drive.

I am sorry that RH could/can not understand and be supportive. For the record, I think he response was repulsive.

That said....

NOW, The Truth remains the same. You have to forgive him. Wouldn't it be easier to do if he would at least be able to understand now how his actions(lack of)/words hurt you. I'm sure it would. But that is not under your control.

i do suggest you write down a very descriptive explaination of how you felt/feel about the event.

and then I suggest you forgive him.

I have to run to a mtg i'm already late for but posting this to you was more important. I'll be back.

{{{{{NOW}}}}}

NOW,

I was thinking about your situation last night and came back here this morning to read your posts and FH's. Please listen to what he is saying, because I got almost the exact thoughts about your sitch last night. Listen carefully, ask questions...because I do believe God is speaking to you right now concerning this.

FH is correct. If you are both saved, then this "fix" is rather simple (but not easy). But if only one of you is following Christ, then you have a whole different approach.

Since you said both of you are saved, I will assume for now that this is true (I say this because many times, someone like your husband says he is saved...but really isnt). Now, what are your responsibilities to this marriage? What are your roles? How do you bring about change in the marriage?

The answers to this can be found in the Bible. In the link below concerning the roles of husbands and wives, I go into what those are. If you have not read this, please do.

You have no idea your power, NOW. The power you have in your faith, in your respect for your husband. Jesus says He has your back...if you will just trust Him and do as He has asked. So, the question is...have you? Are you?

I know this sounds like we are beating up on you, while your husband is getting away scott-free. But your husband isnt here right now...you are. And you can bring about change on your own. You have more power over this situation than you know!!

God has made promises to you. He is not in the habit of breaking them! The issue here for you could be do you trust Him? Do you believe that if you do your part, that He will come alongside you and take care of your husband? Do you believe that Christ is your husband's head?

If so, then meeting ENs and not love busting come in the realm of doing so as a godly wife who respects her husband...and becomes his helpmate. Your job in life isnt sex, or cleaning the house, or any of the stuff one might expect. Sure, those might all be important things and needed. But your number one job is to help your husband be the leader of your family. A godly leader.

Now, how do you do that? Some women think they have to beat their husbands up, cajole them. Others just take over their husbands responsibilities because he isnt doing them. Both of these are the wrong approach and the Bible warns against them.

I am not going to go into your individual issues right now...but I do want you to look at Eve in the Garden as an example of what NOT to do. Eve decided because Adam was being passive and not leading, that it would be her to talk to and negotiate with the snake. What should she have done?

Well, as Adam's helpmate...she should have made him be the leader. How? She should have pushed it back on Adam. She should have told the snake "I need to talk to my husband first, we need to discuss it and then he needs to make the decision." If she had done that...if she had put the deed right in Adam's lap to "force" him to do his leadership duties...we would not be in this mess today!

I have more on this...but I think a reading of the link below may help you get started. I also believe that you and your husband need some good Christian counseling, as your husband needs to be held accountable and to be made aware of where he is failing you and God. He may not know how to do this right. He may need to be educated.

Lastly, I would also suggest that the two of you go to the Marriage Builders Weekend. It is amazing what that weekend can do to get both spouses on the same sheet of music and "bought in" to doing what they need to do.

This thread is really going well, I think. Not that these issues are good. But that I think you are finally getting to the root of the problems here. And if you address those, then issues such as pornography, etc will go away.

Mortarman,

I truly appreciate all you are doing. I did print off part of your link below and read it.

I am taking it to heart. Last night I was more or less talking out loud, trying to clarify some things more for my own benefit.

You haven't done or said anything that I view as "beating" me up.

And even though I laid everything out there about things RH has done or said, it was so I would know what I needed to forgive him for...and I already have.

You may think you and FH are saying the same things, MM....but I am not hearing the same message. Your words are helping to build me up, not crush me. Your words are giving me hope...his are tearing me down. It almost sounds like he is pissed at me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

And if Satan wants to get to me, the words FH spoke to me are the perfect way to do it.

not really.
Not in the sense of "POJA", anyways, which I believe is also the sense of the corinthians verses. You are not both "enthusiastically in agreement."
What you have done, is basically guilt him into not bothering you fox sex, becuase you keep telling him, "i dont feel like it, it doesnt do much for me".
So, your situation isnt really in the "both agree", in corinthians.


Umm... you have not honored the part about your body being his, either.

I understand what you have posted, on why. Have confidence that ifthe the MB plans of both of you meeting each others ("emotional") needs fully, have worked for many many otheres, in restoring those feelings.

I dont think he feels that way.

You are saying that anytime I express my feelings to him that I am GUILTING him into something?

You're putting words into my mouth and assuming an awful lot.

I don't either....and I know I can't "go there"....5 AM, talking out loud...not a good combination.

no, that's not what I'm saying.

It's not wrong, to express your feelings (in a considerate way) on something.

Sorry if you are taking the "quotes" literally. I was expressing how your husband would interpret what you have told him.
Whatever words you have used to him... it sounds like he has taken them to mean, "i dont feel like it, it doesnt do much for me".

I would suggest that you keep two things in mind:

1. expressing to him, that basically, you dont get aroused much any more, does not have to mean that you cannot participate in sexual activities together.

2. sex tends to be the #1 or #2 emotional need for a man. When someone's emotional needs are fully met, they are much, much more likely to be enthusiastic about meeting yours.

If you can find it within yourself, you might try to more fully meet his sexual needs, in hopes of him then meeting yours more, rather than holding off on the sex until he meets your other needs first.

But dont just do it in the dark... talk with him caringly, let him know your top 1 or 2 needs that arent getting met, tell him how to do better in those areas.. AND let him know that you want to meet his needs more, in the sexual department (and potentially in other areas that he might need. he might have other unmet "emotional needs", too! )

I think that most men would respond very favourably to such an effort. Just getting more sex, would tend to make them happier.

But knowing that their wife has a difficulty in that area, yet she is willing to try to overcome it for them... MAJOR good feelings for them. That gives a man incredible motivation. I speak from experience in this department <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Ok Techie, thanks.

I will think about what you said.

But right now, I don't think this is the place I need to be.

Just wanted to thank you for your perspective.

NOW, do you still have my email addy?

ForeverHers, is something bothering you?

Okay, I surrender, NOW*

I leave you in MM's very capable hands. Far be it from me to do "Satan's work."

For the record, I am not mad at you. Just consider me the "derriere" of the day.

NOW,

I am not sure, after re-reading FH's posts, what you might have considered to be tearing you down. Maybe you could clarify?

MM, it was his choice of words, words used to describe me..."reek", sarcastic, and "royally screwed up your marriage".

If it were anybody else, I probably wouldn't question it, but it just does not sound like things FH would normally say.

FH, was there something about me, this thread, that triggered something in you?

Well, thanks for the clarification. If there is an issue, maybe FH could clarify himself. If there isnt, maybe he could be just be misread. It is hard many times to actually feel what people are saying on a blog like this. Sometimes, unintended meanings arise.

But I dunno in this case.