The reason I am posting is that my wife has been going to dance clubs with her sister and mom (both single). I can't dance and don't enjoy that atmosphere so I don't usually go with her. Well I went the other night and things didn't turn out so good. Their was a group of us including a few of her female friends from school (she is going for an RN) and her mother and sister. I was under the impression that she doesn't dance, but hangs out at the tables. So we are at the club and she tells me that their is a guy from her class showing up and for me to not freak out if she dances with him. So she goes to get a drink and I look at her phone and she ahs a text message from him saying "are you ready to dance" and "where are you (in the club)". So she gets back from getting a drink and I am upset. She talks to me and I calm down. He shows up and I act polite, shake his hand. So a little while later a song she likes comes on and she goes to dance with a few of her girl friends. After she is out their for a few songs another of her friends is telling me to go dance with her and I start felling like if I don’t then this guy from her class is going to go out their. So I do dance with her for a song, and hate every minute of it because I can't dance. Afterwards we leave and she doesn’t dance with him. We have talked about it a lot and she is very good about getting me to communicate about it. It is the fact that I am very insecure and have not had many relationships before I met her. I am now 27 and we have been married for 4 years and dated 3 years before that. I know that many people don’t mind their wife’s dancing with other men because it does not mean anything and is just fun. But for me the thought of her dancing to R&B music (usually very close dancing with a lot of contact) with another man depresses me. This all happened 2 days ago and I can't stop thinking about her dancing with someone else. She has told me that he is from out of the country and doesn't have any friends so she invited him to go out with her and her friends so he doesn’t sit at home all the time and she said he can dance okay. Now the thing that gets me is that my wife never told me that she dances with someone (although I wonder if she just didn't tell me because she knew I would not be able to handle it because of my insecurities. I just don't know what to think about this and how I can coupe with her going to the clubs without me. See, I am into cars and she isn't so I go out with my friends and talk cars and go to the races and she goes out with her mom and sister (which are both single). I know this has been a bit of a ramble but I am just venting a bit. Thanks for any feedback.

learn to dance.

that could be you out there dancing real close and sexy w/ her.
she'd love it.

Yep, that's the only advice I'd give you too. Take dance lessons. You say you don't like to dance because you don't know how. That's what lessons are for....

The advice given so far is awful. It doesn't address his question.

Yes, what your wife is doing is inappropriate by most people's standards. For a married woman to dance with a man in a dance class setting or at a wedding may not be the end of the world. But if it's a club setting and she is making this a regular thing to meet this guy and dance with him.... yes, it is inappropriate. You have every right to be upset. Don't blame yourself and think you have insecurities.

Learn to dance if you like. But the issue in reality is that she is not protecting herself nor acting like a married person. And it appears that her sister nor mother are respectful of that. That's problem #2. You really need to have a talk with your wife. You let her run loose and now she's betrayed your trust. Sounds like there needs to be some changes made.

I agree with Iagree <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The core issue is that your WIFE isn't acting like a wife in that she is choosing to enact,what can be considered,an intimate act with another man.So what if he doesn't live in this country.Is she the representative of the USA for dance partners? Why can't he dance with a SINGLE woman? And why is she so concerned he not sit home every night? What about you? The fact that she has his cell number too is concerning.

You've not stated how old your wife is but even if she is your age,you've been together since you were about 20 which is young and she may just be feeling like she's missed out on "something".How is your marriage otherwise? Any kids?

It's ok to have separate hobbies and likes but not if they come at the expense and discomfort of your spouse (read up on the concepts here such as POJA).Hopefully there isn't anything more to all this but the dancing but keep your eyes and ears wide open.

Also,taking dancing lessons may help your wife feel that you care about her even though you don't like it.Trying it out,you may find you actually do over time and that can be something you share.Same could be said if she took an interest in cars to some degree.

I don't think you have "let her run loose" as she is her own person and can do what she wants in life.However,she is not protecting you and the marriage so it's left open to assault,by other's who can interfere (as in cheaters).

Please take some time to read the concepts here and check out the MB bookstore for some great reads.If you want to have a healthy,protected and happy marriage this is a good place to start.Lastly,I too would not appreciate my husband dancing with other women.I don't care if "other's" are ok with that.

Just my opinion.Good luck

OK, this post scares me. Everyone else has been saying that it is my problem. She is going to go out with her sister tonight without me because we don't have a babysitter. She has asked me and told me that she doesn't want to make me upset and that I better trust her...jokingly. I told her that I have no right to be upset and that I trust her. I have told her that the problem is with me and I don't want to keep her from having a good time. I said this because I don't want what I thought was my insecurity pushing her away because of possible resentment by her. I am confused but am going to scedule counseling to go to with her.

Counseling sounds good.

I relate to your feelings about not wanting to push your wife away. But problem is that I guarantee she smells your insecurity and self doubt like a shark smells blood. She knows you are unsure of yourself and will be Mr nice guy. If you were to complain, all she has to say is "you are being controlling. Oh my God, what's your problem?" and you'll wallow in confusion and she can go back out and do whatever the heck she pleases. She's playing you against your own insecurites and inexperience, my friend. Wake up and smell the coffee. Go to counceling-- I would suggest on your own at first. And it wouldn't hurt to hire a PI either to monitor her on one of her nights out. Much better safe than sorry in this case. Despite her demands to trust her, my gut tells me that you will be rather disappointed to find out what kind of dancing she is doing or what other things she is doing while she is out. Good luck.

way back in the 80's i used to love to go to clubs and dance.
my H didn't.....so, sometimes i would go w/ friends and dance w/ other guys....H said he didn't mind......not a problem...acted like he didn't really care.
He was indifferent......Trust ME, that was NOT good for us.

I would have loved nothing more than for him to join me and dance......let go...and have fun.

BE Uninhibited!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

have you ever seen Along Comes Polly?

I have to agree with IAgree as well. Dancing with a member of the opposite sex is a no-no in my opinion. Why?

Well...dancing is an act that is sexual in nature. Some may disagree, but...consider this....Dancing is something that one does with a preference to do it with a member of the opposite sex. To me, that makes it sexual by nature. If a person is going to dance with someone, especially a slow dance, 99% of the time the preference is to dance with the opposite sex.

So, it has sexual characteristics to it.

so...why not join her then?

Dancing is fun!
She obviously likes it.... i loved it!
It does not sound like she is out there looking to pick up guys.
maybe she just really enjoys the atmosphere.....moving to the music....it's a lot of fun.
and it's very sexy.
I bet she would love her H to join her at the clubs if he didn't act like a stick in the mud.

What can you poja something you both can be enthusiatic about?

Learn to dance with your W.

Resentment building is in your process right now, you are jelous of your w going out dancing, your w will resent you if you try and stop her.

POJA when and how you and your W will do this, and listen to your W, all you can do is gain. You may find dancing is a good way to relieve your stress,

If he learns to dance, will she go to deer camp with him next year?

My point is this; if he hates to dance, there is no way to use POJA to get him to enjoy dancing with her. POJA does not mean trading what I want for what you want. It is about finding a solution that we both want. No amount of negotiating will ever make him want to dance, short of some form of blackmail.

The question I now hear is , "Why should she give up what makes her happy?" My answer is, "Who said she needs to dance to be happy?" and "Why should he do what makes him unhappy?" More to the point, when did it become his job to make sure she is happy?

She may not be out looking to pick up guys, but be sure that there are guys out there trying to pick her up. The issue becomes one of a boundary rather than intent.

guyguy,

If you want to learn to dance, do so. If you never learn to dance, don't worry about it. I would suggest that your wife not go out dancing "with the girls" all the time. Instead, use the recreational inventory on this site to find an alternative that you can both do together. If you decide to agree that she goes out sometimes, great! If you go with her every once in a while, even better! If you learn to dance, perfect! But if you just hate going to clubs, you don't have to go. The boundary needs to be hers, not yours. It isn't up to you to MAKE your wife act a certain way; it is up to her.

JMO.

Mark

First of all, G^2, welcome to this web site. I wish it could have been under better circumstances.

Secondly, I do not agree in this with the other posters that you should learn to dance. That is a flippant answer that blames you for the problem, and that does not get to the root of the problem. This is because the question is not whether you can dance or not, but rather how does a couple deal with situations where one of the two likes to partake of an activity that the other does not, whether it be dancing, clothes shopping, antiquing, or hunting, drag racing, or football playing. I would hazard to guess that Nia and Lucks would probably not give an advice to a question “My H likes to go out hunting with another woman; what do I do?”, along the lines “Just learn to hunt. That’s what hunting lessons are for.”.

Thirdly, there is nothing wrong with the two of you to have different recreational interests. Yes, large portion of your time in recreational activities should be with one’s spouse, but it is illogical that a H and W have to have identical interests. Every couple has to deal with the same questions as the two of you are facing.

Fourthly, when a man wishes to dance with a second man’s wife, the proper way of doing this is for the man to ask the second man: “May I ask your wife for a dance?”, then ask the wife, and after the dance thank the second man. This is the gentlemanly way of doing things. It is likely that the other man was simply uncouth. Pity.

Fifthly, when one undertakes a recreational activity without one’s spouse, one really needs to how it effects one’s spouse. You are not in the wrong here. You need to talk with her about this. The question is not “Is it wrong for a woman to dance with another man?”, but rather, “Is it wrong for a person to undertake an activity that strongly bother the spouse?”. You need to talk with her. You need to tell her that (a) you love her; (b) it is natural that spouses may have different recreational interests; (c) one spouse should take into consideration what partaking in such an activity has on the other; (d) the two of you should come to some sort of an agreement what should be done when such a situation arises. Do NOT make it into an argument whether dancing with another man is wrong or not. That is not germane. The only thing that matters is that it bothers you. Doing things purposefully that bother the other spouse does not a strong marriage make.

Good luck!

Originally posted by IAgree:
The advice given so far is awful. It doesn't address his question.

Originally posted by guyguy:
Thanks for any feedback.

My "awful" advice fell within "any feedback." Gee, that okay with ya, IAgree? Does it meet your personal standards of how I may respond? Hmm?

Your "advice" was have a talk. Wow. That was enlightening. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

guyguy - If you're not at least slow dancing with your W, you're missing out on a great opportunity to fill her love bank. She obviously likes to dance. So take her out dancing occasionally. I personally don't think it's a good idea for separate dancing excursions, but you won't fare well forbidding her. SO JOIN HER. You don't like music? Can't sit at a table and drum your fingers to the beat, people watch, chat? Your W can dance with females or line dance to faster tunes, but you'd be there for the slow ones....

Thank you everyone for contributing. I think that we need to find a recreation that we enjoy together. My wife is not that interested in dancing and has said that she only goes because she likes to hang out with her sister and mom. She has also told me that she would not go if it bothered me. I have told her that I want her to go if she wants. Obviously if I tell her that I don't want her to go she will sit at home and build a resentment as she hears from her sister and friends about what she is missing.

She told me about a BDay party at a club for one her sisters guy friends next friday and asked me to go if I wanted. I am going to go because I don't want to turn her down. At the same time I know I will be anxious when the day comes because I simply don't feel comfortable around strangers. A friend of mine is also having a BDay party the following night at his and his wifes house that I have asked her to go to and she has said yes. It is going to be hard to find a babysitter but hopefully everything works out.

I'll go ahead and add something that I was holding back on.

$50 says that if you were to one night offer to go dancing with her at that bar, within 1 - 3 visits, she'd suddenly lose interest in going to the club dancing. Or there would be some other way she'd divert you from going with her-- either by coming up with an excuse why it wouldn't be good for you to go (girls only night, night for family bonding) or if you did go, saying you were no good at dancing, or flirting/dancing just enough with other men while you're there to make you feel soo crazy that you would choose to eventually not go because it is too painful to watch.

I stick to my theory that she is playing you against your insecurities. Wether this connection with this other man is an affair or emotion affair, I have no idea. But at the least, I think she is trying to keep you away for this activity so she gets to flirt or have attention from another man.

That is another reason why the "learn to dance" advice I think is missing the mark.

She's given you reason to question her credibility and open-ness here lately, wouldn't you say? Why not explore that? If you investigate and find everything is squeaky clean, then you can go back to being mr nice guy but I honestly don't think that's what you'll discover.

I just see you as a really nice guy with the best of intentions and I don't want you to get one pulled over on you.

Your advice flips and puts the responsibility and blame on the wrong person. AG elaborates nicely on this point. I thought AG's advice and insight was outstanding.

My advice was that changes need to be made. New rules, understandings, agreements, negotiations. And to do that, a conversation is needed. Plus a whole host of other things such as a PI. Not quite as simple minded of an answer... in my opinion.

Great points from Mark as well.

In my opinion, marriage doesn't have to be a ball and chain. And I do think that it is healthy to have some activities that one can do appart from their mate. For some guys, it's to join a bowling league or to coach a school's baseball team. For some women, it might be to take dance classes or maybe a game of bridge at someone's house for the more senior generations. I think the main ingredient has to be that it is safe. And in addition, the spouse has to show signs that they are protecting themselves. A guy on a bowling league should understand the dangers of talking to or bowling with a female on a regular basis at the lanes. A woman should be self-aware and get worried if she finds herself looking forward to seeing a male at her dance classes.

And in this case, his wife is choosing to go to a risky place... problem #1... and then on top of that, she is not protecting herself. problem #2. It's got bad news written all over it.

I really liked AG's advice on how to try to negotiate a solution without it becoming an argument.

EXACTLY.
He is missign a huge opportunity to BE w/ her....I do not advocate seperate excursions....Independent Behavior led to problems in my marriage and I have seen many relationships break up over it.


IAgree... I noticed when it comes to posts where women are complaining about thier H's and OW you sing a completely different tune.

Hey, AG...What about all your advice to the women who complain about thier H's secret porn habit.......you have said...."Face IT, he loves it...he's never gonna give it up. Join him in watching it....that would be a real turn on for him."

Why the double standard here?

I am not suggesting guygus take dancing lessons if it is something he absolutey HATES or has some moral objection to......but, it sounds like it just makes him a bit uncomfortable.......why not go out of your comfort zone a little to spend some time w/ wife?...make some deposits in her lovebank?