Well, I have talked to WH. a couple of times now since this past weekend and I am beginning to think that he is not serious about getting back together. Yes, he knows my conditions and I will give him this next month to see if he begins the walk, but I am not holding my breath. He's back in his fantasy world and I really don't expect him to make the walk yet. So, looks like I continue ahead with the divorce and my own plans for my future.

I knew not to get my hopes up, but it's still a bummer...

One week gone and four weeks to go. I really get the feeling that WH wants his cake and wants to eat it too. He's back in his fantasyland again. He says he doesn't know what he wants.

I did talk to him yesterday and I did tell him that next weekend, I am planning on starting to move some of my things out of our home. I am going back to my hometown and getting a storage unit where I am starting to move some of the clutter out of the house so that it is more presentable for showing. I still have a couple of months before the kids finish school here, so I will move some things out on the weekends. I did tell him that right now, I am going to go on planning my life like he isn't coming back. He knows what he needs to do and what I want to see before I will consider taking him back.

So, for now, I continue to do what I need to do for myself...

The affair is back on, if it ever ended.

The affair has never ended. He is in Missouri, his fantasyland where he is living with OW. Our home is in Wisconsin, where he travels to every other weekend to see the kids. The problem is that he cries and whines when he comes back here. He's missing everything that he had before, but he does nothing to change his situation. He came back last weekend and asked if he could come home. I gave him until May 1st. I set my boundaries and told him I will believe it when I see it.

Yes, he said he knew what he had to do, but so far he's not taking the right steps. So, I keep walking for now and planning my life like he's not coming back...

Yep, don't think it ever was over. He is just trying to keep all of his options open. Continue making a good life for you and your children.

OK, I do understand that he is trying to keep his options open. I am telling him that he is running out of time. We will see what happens there.

We had an interesting conversation today. Last night, he called and talked to the kids and they told him that Mom bought them a trampoline for Easter. As I was hanging up, I heard him say "Oh, really?". I did call him today to discuss the trampoline purchase with him.

So, I called him and told him that I bought the trampoline for the kids since they will be with him over Easter. I tol him that yes, I could have bought them all movies and a bunch of candy, etc. (normal stuff we put in their Easter baskets), but I had talked to the kids on Sunday and asked them if they would mind getting a larger combined Easter gift from me and they were ok with that. So, last night I got them a trampoline on clearance at WalMart for $70. I spent less than $25/kid.

I went on to tell him that I figured since he had the kids on Easter, I didn't want to double up on candy, etc. Well, he came out and told me that he thought the trampoline should be from BOTH of us. I said that I didn't think so. First off, he set the precedent for buying separate gifts when he did just that for our daughter's birthday and for Valentine's Day, and that I didn't think Easter would be any different. Secondly, he hadn't talked to me at all about buying a combined gift beforehand. In addition, I reminded him that I didn't spend anymore than I would have on normal Easter stuff, probably less in the long run. Thirdly, I am working now and I am contributing and it's not just all HIS money.

So, he basically went on to tell me that I never appreciated the money he made, etc. He went on to tell me that I didn't meet his emotional needs and that men's and women's needs were different. So, he is reading SAA. He did tell me that he called the counselor recommeded by D's counselor, but that he didn't do Friday appointments and that he was given two additional therapists to try.

We did get into a discussion about where things went wrong especially over the past summer. There was some whining on his part about the consequences of his choices, etc. But overall, we weren't screaming at each other and he is starting to open up about some of the things he wouldn't even talk about at the beginning of the affair.

NO, the affair isn't over...I know that. And No, I am not planning on him coming back right now. He told me that we should just keep on our same course for now (selling the house and me moving back home). He is ok with both of these points. I sometimes get the feeling that he wants me to do the heavy work here with selling the house and moving the kids and that he is thinking that he can just walk back in whenever he is good and ready and that just really frustrates me right now.

So, are we making progress? I think so. Just a little bit. We talked about hurtful feelings and events in the past year without either one going away angry. But there is a long way to go and the most important requirement is for him to leave her and he hasn't done that yet.

So, I keep planning for me and the kids right now and just watching to see if he is going to walk the walk and not just do the talk.

Does he freely walk in and out of your house on his visits?

Does he *knock* on the door to be let in?

Where does he sleep when he visits?

How does his mail get to him?

How much of his junk is laying around the house in your way?

.... let me know ... I am putting my thinking cap on

Pep

One more ... When was the last time you made love with him?

The answer to the last question about being intimate, we haven't been together since the beginning of November...

Well, I talked to WH tonight briefly. He is reading SAA right now and yesterday he brought up the part about me not meeting his needs (this was after he said that he felt like the trampoline should be from both of us and that he wants more recognition regarding finances, etc.). So, I told him today that at this time, I can not meet his needs regarding the trampoline and recognition. I went on to say that that was something a wife did for her husband and at this time, he was not acting like a husband to me. I explained further that he was asking me to put "Mom and Dad" on the trampoline, like we were a couple, but I pointed out that we are not a couple when he is shacked up with another woman in his secret life. I went on to say that his OW was meeting some of his emotional needs and he was asking me to meet his other emotional needs, thus he wanted to have the best of both worlds, have his cake and eat it too... I told him that I will not meet the needs that he has asked me for while he is living with another woman...

Yes, he was pissed. I remained calm and kept the phone conversation to less than five minutes total. I didn't hollar and didn't fume. I was surprisingly detached. He said it wasn't that important anyways, but that's a bunch of bull. If it wasn't important to him, he wouldn't have brought it up anyways. I asked him to think about what I said and to keep reading SAA telling him that when he gets a little further into the book he will understand more. Now I will let him stew for a bit on it.

I am supposed to meet him on Friday to have our taxes done. It should get interesting. I am not angry right now, just more detached than anything...

Keep the convos brief and functional. No R talk. He needs to see his family slipping away. He needs to feel it. Pack up his stuff and put it in the garage so when he comes to your home he knows his presence is gone.

WS' always get pissed so don't let his demeanor surprise or depress you. Don't let it throw you off course.

U R doing good in your responses to him. Knowing your boundaries makes it easier to enforce. It isn't easy just easier. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

I have been boxing stuff up and I am getting ready this weekend to start moving my stuff back to my hometown. The move won't be complete until the kids are out of school, but I am starting to remove the clutter from the house and take my things out of the house. He will see it when he comes to pick up the kids this weekend. I think it is really going to hit him then. Sometimes I just wonder if it would be better for me just to keep walking and not look back... It would be easier sometimes than taking all of his repeated hurt...