the other man called me saturday night...

om: hello, this is (gave his full name)
me: ok
om: i'm here in (gave city)
me: ok
om: i know you're not here, that you are in (gave city)
me: ok
om: i found your phone number in (old friend)'s room
me: ok
om: you know your husband is very angry with me
me: ok
om: i just wanted to let you know that you destroyed my entire life
me: ok
om: that's all i wanted
me: ok

it took me a couple of hours and then i called my husband... i couldn't tell him and ended the conversation... a few minutes later, i called back and told him...

husband wanted to know what the om said... i relayed the conversation... he asked me if i knew the number the om called from... i said yes, as it was recorded in the received calls on my cell phone... husband asked me to text him the number... i told him i would and did... i asked husband if he knew the om was in town... he said yes, that he had seen him... husband said if the om calls me again to tell him he should never call me again... husband told me he would take care of things... husband told me he loved me... why would he love me, i wonder...

i'm numb... the om is the last person i expected to hear from... the last thing i wanted to do was destroy anyone's life... i want to call the om and tell him i'm sorry for the part i played in the destruction of his life... i know i can't...

the guilt is back...

oaktown...

This is a man you had an affair with? Is that correct?

Don't buy into his guilt trips. He made his choices as did you yours. Don't feel sorry for him. He ain't no victim.

bigkahuna...

thanks for your reply...

yes, he's the one with which i had an affair...

dismissing the guilt is easy to say and quite another thing to do...

oaktown...

Oaktown,

Just as YOU made your choices in the A, the om made his choices in the A, right? You didn't force him to do anything, therefore, you are not to blame for the destruction of his life! He chose his path, just as you have chosen your own. You did the right thing in telling your H, now you need to just let it be. As long as you are repentant of your part in the A and what it did to your MARRIAGE(not om's life) then you have nothing left to feel guilty for. I didn't go back to read any of your other posts, so I am not familiar with your story, but unless I'm wrong, I think you have repented and therefore should not feel guilty any longer.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT get pulled back into the sesspool that is the om! Has the om ever apologized to you? Has the om ever apologized to your H? You have EACH played a part in the destruction of your MARRIAGE, which, IMHO, is 1000 times more important than om's life! Your registration date is nearly 5 years ago, and unless you were still deep into the A when you registered, that tells me that you have been in recovery for nearly 5 years, right? Well, THAT is what's important. You and your H are working on moving on in your lives and M, and the om should no longer be an issue. If you need to, change your cell number, unless you can block the number that om called from. I'd say it would be easier to just change the cell number though. That way, he wouldn't be able to call from a different number later on.

I say who cares what the om is feeling now, he needs to grow up, take responsibility for his own life, and move on! The ONLY way you could have "destroyed" his life is if you falsely accused him of rape/murder/whatever, and he spent decades in jail for it. It's just like the om in my situation, who wanted to destroy my life, even months after he was kicked out of the military and such. So, YOU worry about your H and your MARRIAGE, and let om live his own life. You can do it, and your H wouldn't still be there if he didn't still love you! Talk to him about changing that phone number. Work with him on what HE wants you to do next.

Good luck,

My goodness - I never noticed the registration date. WOW.

Please don't try and lecture me about guilt Oak.

tigger

I want to read your story! I see that you both strayed.

As is the case in my situation. really interested in seeing what saved the marriage.

We also have two kids.

Here's the link for my H's sorta first post
Sailorman59's post

And, here's mine, which gives our situation way back when
Tigger's post

If you have any questions, I ususally have no problem in answering them. As for how we've gotten this far, only by the grace of God, and working together. It's been a mighty rough road at times, but as we continue to grow together, it just gets better and better.

Oak:

I understand how you feel. Your feelings are one of the (not all) reasons why Harley's recovery guidelines include a no contact rule for the other person for life. But I suspect you know that.

Guilt is another expression of a conscious, a moral compass in our brains that attempts to guide us through life and do the right thing. In your situation, you can feel guilty (Morality attack) because of all the grief you caused your family (including husband), yourself or the person and family of the one with whom you had the affair. In other words, you get guilt no matter what. Guilt trips are what we get when we violate our moral compass and are reminded of it.

Guilt trips are also what we get when someone attempts to manipulate us. As an aside, I have told my oldest son to not attempt to put his mother on a guilt trip over anything. That would mean an amateur dealing with a pro. For some reason, women are better at handing out guilt trips than men, or so it seems to me.

But that isn't always the case. Men take advantage of women through guilt trips because they know it works. And of course, you know all that. I just say it for the record.

Now it is that for whatever reason, the OM in your case decided to put you on a guilt trip. One hundred percent of the time in a situation like yours, a call like that is an attempt to manipulate you.

He wants you to feel guilty. The question is, should you? Obviously you think you should or you would not have allowed him to manipulate you. And obviously he knows that. He knows who you are. And since he is a user, guess what?

The question isn't whether or not you should feel guilty, the question is what does he want? He wants something or he would NOT have made the call. Some people are better at manipulation than others. I suspect you are not very good at it or you would have recognized the signs. People who are good at manipulation hate to be manipulated, usually they can easily shake off the manipulation. You didn't.

He had his hooks in you, period. He knows it. He enjoyed manipulating you. Then you took his candy away from him. How could you do that to him, he asks himself? Never mind the lack of personal responsibility and morals he exercised by doing a married woman, he LIKED manipulating you, it was fun.

Love is giving, right? He says his life is destroyed. Uh, how can that be? If he were in love, he would be in giving mode, right? I mean you loved him or he couldn't hit your hot buttons. He knows that. If he were in love, what was he in love with, your best interests or whatever you did for him? Again, he LIKED manipulating you, it was a power trip. If he were in love, he would be looking out for your best interests and that would mean to leave you alone. It would NOT mean attempting to manipulate you one more time.

Women who are infatuated are easy to manipulate. Men know this, especially men who LIKE to manipulate women. They get on a power trip that way. You have fallen victim to one of that type of male. Sorry. If you could think like a man, you would know that it was all about him and not about you at all. You were simply a convenient set of holes and emotional reactions upon which he could get what he wants; power.

The only way you destroyed his life was to NOT allow yourself to be manipulated. He doesn't know it worked unless he reads this forum or you didn't tell us all about the call so it is still going to fester in his mind that you took his candy away from him. Good. The fact is, that you allowed yourself to manipulated yet one more time by a jerk who gets his rocks off manipulating a good and giving woman. Bad.

You obviously still have feelings for him. That is the usual aftermath of associating with a master manipulator until one day you wake up and realize you have been used and he was just trying to make it seem like you were the user, not him.

Don't feel guilty, feel glad that you have escaped a jerk, a vermin, a critter, a user. Because that is exactly what he is no matter what you tell yourself to justify what you did. You got had, dear, wake up and realize it and deal with your emotions accordingly. And then go on to live a far happier life, wiser than before.

This is the emotional train you must follow. You are a giver, right? You like giving. That is how you got in the fix you are in. Ergo, you can be manipulated by a taker.

How is this in your long term best interest? You need to give to someone who appreciates that unique quality in you as a person. In other words you don't need an emotional hookup with a power trip, master manipulator who is just out for the thrill and doesn't care one iota about you as a person and another human being.

I wish you well.

Larry

Oak,

I think you handled the surprise call very well - saying nothing more than "ok" and not engaging in an argument with a manipulator, like Larry said. Also, you told your H, which was the exact right thing to do. You did what I hope my FWW will do, if the OM ever tries to call (which I suspect someday he will).
The call takes you back to a dark time but I suspect/hope you're not that person anymore. NC remains vital as you know, so what if the OM's life is ruined? He made bad choices and obviously doesn't take personal responsibility for them even today.

V/r,
No Way

OM is a POS. If he calls back again tell him to go F himself. Who cares if he doesn't like the consequences of his actions. Maybe next time he'll think twice before he commits adultery. That's like getting pissed off at the cop who pulls you over for DWI, and saying that, "he ruined your life." Boo freaking hoo. Don't waste another ounce of energy worrying over this POS.

O-T:

Get a new cell phone number.

OM didn't call your house, he called your cell phone.

Get a new number.

Caller ID was a god send to our R after Dday.

Even if it has been 5 years.

And like Larry said, OM is just trying to draw you back in. Don't take the bait!

LG

Oak,

Ruined OM’s life eh?

Let’s see, you ruined his life, he ruined your life. You both ruined your H’s life.

There is more than enough ruin to go around for everyone.

So, call it a wash and forget about the jerk.

He only did this to manipulate you, you know. Even now, so long after.

Why feel sorry for such a selfish child if you no longer care about him, anyway? Is there still attachment present?

I have a feeling you have more to tell your H than you let on.

What the he11 is this all about?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Oak:

Welcome back. I for one appreciate your post for what it says about you and your recovery. You certainly didn't have 2 update us about the OM's call. You could have just blown it off. You also could have chosen not 2 relay the info 2 your H, but you know the MB methods well enough 2 2 protect your M and your recovery thus far.

I applaud you for your response.

The others are right, though. You're not "guilty" of ruining the OM's life, just your own. And that ruination is over and under repair. The OM's responsible for his own life. It's 2 bad he hasn't learned enough 2 protect himself by not reopening old wounds.

Do change your cell number, though.

best,
-ol' 2long

Oak-ee ...

Sorry kiddo. Sometimes the boogeyman from the past comes-a-knockin'

THANKS for posting this .... makes us aware that continued awareness is required ...

Take care

Pep

PS ... whatever happened to the OC issue? The supposed OW who was trying to get welfare support and said your H was the father and your H said he "can't remember" if he might be the father to OC ????


This is so complicated, yanno.

Pep

Hi Oaktown,

Sorry your back but glad you came back to post. I know that is confusing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I would say you handled it perfectly. I would also say, that you should have no ownership or guilt concerning OM's decisons. He made them as did you and you can only and need only address your decisions.

I am sure it was a shock to have him call out of the blue after all of these years. But, trust your H, let him handle it as he sees fit, and then thank him for doing so.

Don't waste a minute of your life worrying or feeling guilty about OM's life. It is his life, his choice and his consequences.

Let us know how this is resolved by your H.

God Bless,

JL

kahuna... relax, I don't think oak was lecturing, just stating how she feels.

Oak,

Feel guilty that you betrayed your own self values, morals, principles, that you betrayed and hurt (beyond imagination) your BH, that you hurt your children (if you have children), that you hurt friends, extended family, that your family's name was soiled and many other things that you can feel guilty about if you feel the need.

BUT, OMG, do not feel guilty about some lunatic ranting from a POS OM who knew perfectly well what he was doing and participating in. If I were your BH I would find him and kick the **** out of him.

Oak,
The man does not own a mirror! It's perfectly obvious.


No doubt about it, I feel sorry for him. Your H sounds to me like a great guy.

Here's a thought, how about your H sends him a big mirror, and attaches a note saying,"this should help you decide who ruined your life, good luck!

All Blessings,
Jerry

good one Jerry !