eav, I hope your self respect is in tact. You KNOW that you did what YOU could to save your M, you still ARE. We all stumble along the way, and make decisions that seem right in the moment, but don't give the results we had hoped for. You may have made mistakes BEFORE the A in your M, but you have done all to save the M now.

I'm not sure, but I'm under the impression that you feel/think you are weak. You are a very strong woman to have stayed in Plan B, and to have worked through so much of your own pain.

Thread jack over.

Oh {{Eav}} I wish I had the right words to say but I don't. I'm going to start praying for you and your healing. I don't know how it will end for you but I wish the best for you, regardless of the outcome of your marriage.

Let me say here that I am ashamed of my behavior. Writing all of this isn’t easy for me. Things could have been so different for me if I had known about MB and chosen a different path. I was winging it—totally going by my emotions and not logic. It nearly ruined my marriage.

Things settled down a bit between FWH and I and he began staying more at our house. I was able to land another paralegal job making good money. That was a huge relief. The problem was that I was still obsessed with what was going on with FWH. He decided to sign up for the next level of the seminar that we attended before. His goal was to eventually become a trainer for them. I was all for him getting help wherever he could.

I was still obsessed with EOW. I was still checking cell phone records (no calls) and banking records. One night while he was at the seminar I saw his brief case sitting in our room. I decided to snoop. It was locked! FWH never locked it. In fact, we used it for our business many times. I couldn’t remember the combination so I sat there for over an hour trying every variation possible until I hit pay dirt. I was shocked by what I found.

I found a copy of a hand-written 10-page letter to EOW professing his love for her telling her how much he missed her and specifically recalling events during their affair. He said it was a MISTAKE when he came to her house to tell her it was over. He didn’t mean it. He was begging her to take him back. He wanted to make a life with her and her two girls (who she was losing custody of because of her drinking and partying life-style). He said he was going to divorce me no matter what.

I was crushed. I was livid. This hurt 10 times worse than when I initially found out. There were also pictures of the EOW in the briefcase. She was beautiful. Rich, beautiful and younger. I was insanely jealous. I found out later that one of his affair-friends who came to visit while he was recuperating snuck the photos to him and had been trying to contact EOW on FWH’s behalf. I immediately ripped the pictures in half. I went to his closet and pulled down the shirt that EOW had given him for Christmas and cut it up with scissors. I threw all of it on our bed and waited for FWH to return. When he got home I confronted him. He accused me of being crazy and trying to keep him in chains. He accused me of spying on him and getting into his stuff. He said it WAS over between them. He was angry that I destroyed the pictures, the letter and his shirt. I threw him out that night.

I didn’t know how I could go on. I had been fooling myself. He didn’t love me. I didn’t want to live. Little did I know what lay ahead.

waiting for more! Take your time and make sure that YOU are okay!

princessmeggy, you have nothing to shame for. How can one expect you to know the way, when you don't have a road map, or a compass? You found your way, right? I see nothing for you to be ashamed of. SHAME is a very poignant, biting word, and I do not attach it to human frailty and mistakes made right.

SHAME is a big word in my house.

Shame:
1. Dishonor
2. Shame is a social condition and a form of social control consisting of an emotional state and a set of behaviors, caused by the consciousness or awareness of having acted inappropriately. Intense shame may lead to depression or suicide.

Wow, thanks for clarifying that SL. Maybe I should have said I felt remorse for my behavior. It definitely harmed and delayed our recovery.

Rin-- thanks for your support. I am okay, it's just a little tough remembering all the betrayal. If I didn't know the ending, I'd be really depressed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

princessmeggy, I wanted you to know that you have no reason to feel shame. Remorse is a whole other thing, and I feel that, too.

I didn't find MB until nearly a year after WH's 1st A started (started ~June '05, WH left Aug '05, A ended in Oct '05--then started EA the following year). We were in our first LONG false recovery (9mos). I didn't really start posting until my WH left the second time (July '06). I had a lot of catching up to do, and it all lead quickly to Plan B within a few months (Oct '06).

Until I found MB, and began to read here, as well as self help books and other web sites, I was twisting in the breeze like a plastic shopping bag in a tornado.

princessmeggy,

Sooooooo...then what happened?? Come on! Enquiring minds want to know!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Where's the next installment!! Wait...let me pop some popcorn! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Let me just say that I did the same thing you did--I wrote out my whole story...partially so folks on MB could see where I was coming from and partially to be therapeutic for me. I SURVIVED all that! I am amazing! And so are you. ((((PM))))

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Hi meggy:

Finally getting caught up. I wanted to take the time to sit down and read it all at one time. Just wanted to chime in about how helpful this is to read. I knew about the Trooper incident and immediate aftermath, but the rest was a mystery. Now that I've read this far, I see that your story is amazing, jaw-dropping, and a true testament to your character....and we haven't even gotten to the last chapter yet!

And by the way...

I don't even want to read the word "ashamed" in this thread, you hear me?? Look what I've done, holy smokes! I know WAAAY too much about "good girls gone bad" (or maybe it should be "good girls gone MAD") behavior, and I don't see anything that you should be ashamed of. ???

Everyone has regrets. We are human. Do not be so hard on yourself...the actions that you feel remorseful about happened for a reason: maybe one reason is so that you could share what you have learned and what you experienced with others.

Thank you for doing that!

(((((meggy)))))

Thanks Lil Sis... Oh I was definitely a girl gone MAD... LOL.

Up until this part of the story I was dealing with FWH nearly on a daily basis for some reason or the other (good and bad). When we get to the next part, you'll probably relate more to my story as my FWH became more distant, colder and scarce. This is when I nearly gave up all hope.

My FWH went to his friend Greg’s house that night. The next day we talked and I told him that I was going to remove myself from his life. I was opening up my own bank account, shutting down the business account (the business was in my name) and moving on with my life. Oh no, he didn’t want that. He said he was sorry about everything. Yes, he wrote the letter but he never sent it. He didn’t really mean it. He said why can’t we just be friends? I asked him about divorce. He said he didn’t want to do anything right now. Just relax for awhile. Maybe we could just start dating every now and then and see where it goes. I bit… again.

Saturn eventually settled with us (faulty ignition thingy or something) and we bought FWH a F350 pickup and me a little Chevy S10 pickup. His was top of the line, mine was crap and soon had major problems.

Moving day came. FWH was still at Greg’s and still going out regularly. We would talk on the phone, argue, see each other, argue, ignore each other, argue, have SF, argue… and on and on. My youngest son (17) decided he wanted no more of the drama and moved in with his BF. I was still depressed about everything and not knowing what to do about finding a place to live. My FWH called me one day and suggested that I try ABC apartments, that he’d heard they were really nice. I went and applied but got turned down because of my credit-- another consequence to deal with.

I finally found a 2-bedroom townhouse after telling the owner the whole sordid story. I figured honesty was the best way to go. My daughter (16) and I ended up moving to the townhouse (from a 4-bedroom home with a pool.) FWH came to help on moving day but then had to leave around 5:00 to meet up with his “friends” for happy-hour. I was so upset that he left it the rest of it to me. The move was so emotional. It seemed like he just didn’t care. He was so cold.

I began to sense a shift in my feelings. I was still sad about my marriage but a little excited about having my own place. I was excited yet afraid and began to feel better about myself. I was doing this on my own. My daughter and I had fun buying stuff for the townhouse. The truck that I bought broke down completely. I was so frustrated because it was always having problems. I called the guy I bought it from and told him to come and get it. Then I took $500 to a tote-the-note place and got myself a car. It wasn’t great but it was in good shape and ran good. I was really excited. It was a stick shift. I began teaching my daughter how to drive it. Two weeks later she called me in tears. She had wrecked my car and it wasn’t drivable. My hopefulness turned to hopelessness once again. I called FWH and his response was, “I didn’t do it. What am I supposed to do?” As it turned out the guy that sold me the car gave me a loaner until my car could be repaired.

One day my daughter came home and told me that she had been over to her boyfriend’s apartment and guess who she saw? EWO. Guess where boyfriend lived? Yep. At ABC apartments. I was livid. I immediately called FWH and confronted him about deceiving me and trying to set me up to live at the same place EWO lived. He admitted that he’d driven by EWO’s house the day she was moving and saw a moving truck out front. He got the name of the moving company and called them pretending to be interested in moving. They told him the name of the apartments where EWO moved. I guess since they were broken up he wanted me to get an apartment in the same place so he could come and visit ME more often. Grrrrr.

PM,

Thank you for posting your story. I am similar to you in that I didn't find MB until after d-day #2. It is good to know that I am not the only one to approach this situation in a less than ideal manner. I made many mistakes, pathetic really.

It helps me to feel not so stupid and not so alone to read your story. I am interested to see how you got from the point in your last installment to recovered.

In my sitch I wasn't only betrayed with A's but also financially, as I see that you were as well. My credit is also in the crapper, about to lose my house, I'm the one making $ but it doesn't make a dent in our huge bills. I can't even file for backruptcy as I don't have enough $ too. I finally put my foot down and our business closed at the end of January but we have large bills from this. My FWH works as a car salesman, he makes less than minimum wage when it is av. out. So, on the one hand I can relate to your financial situation, but am interested in how you turned the M and your sitch around.

Keep posting, you are definitely helping many of us here!

Thanks Nab...yes pathetic is a good word for me. Pre-affairs I was a very confident strong woman. I felt great about myself and thought I was happy. I didn't recognize the person I became during my trip to he$$ and back.

I'M glad to know that I'm not the only one who missed the mark.

I remember the nights. Those were the worst. I would lie in our bed and look over and see the empty place where he used to lay. I cried myself to sleep more than once. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t get through to him. Why he was so different. Of course now I know that he was in the fog (thanks MB!) and that my husband was no longer there, just this alien creature. Guilt, anger, tears, being nice—nothing worked. He even sounded different on the phone.

We started talking more on the phone and getting a little friendlier. I thought maybe he’s coming around. We would go out and sometimes he would spend the night. But then it stopped. He withdrew again and was colder than ever. I couldn’t figure it out. What was going on? He stopped spending the night. He would say he was going to come by and not show up. He wouldn’t answer his cell phone. I was getting despondent again.

The lowest point was when I seriously thought about committing suicide. I had the razor and I was sitting in the tub crying. My daughter heard me and came into the bathroom. She was horrified. She panicked and called my sister. My sister said to me harshly, “Meg, he’s gone. He’s not coming back and the sooner you realize that the better off you’ll be. You’re better off without him!” My reaction was to get angry at her. I thought she was going to support me. I wondered if that’s what everyone thought. I pulled myself out of it that night, asked my daughter to forgive me for even thinking such a thing and promised her that I’d never leave her.

The next shoe dropped. Honestly, by this time, I felt it was raining shoes.

I came home from work one evening and my daughter asked me to sit down. Uh-oh. Her best friend was there (now I know that was for moral support). DD handed me a letter she’d written. It was the sweetest letter, telling me how proud she was of me and how much she loved me. She was so sorry to disappoint me, but she was pregnant. I went to her and held her and we both cried. I told her it was going to be okay. We’d get through this just like we have everything else.

Now I had to tell my FWH that our 16 year-old-daughter was pregnant by her boyfriend and that our first grandbaby was going to be bi-racial.

Oh, I really know that feeling...STBX and I are interracial and my parent's didn't take kindly to him...

MOF, they chose not to come to my college graduation because my SD refused to be around "those" kind of people...

My heart goes out to you...I had to give up FOO to be with STBX...

((((MEG))))

Thank you Rin. I can relate. But actually that grandbaby turned out to play a major role in the healing of our marriage.

Ohhhh the NIGHTS...There would be many when I did not seem to sleep at all...I don't know how in the world I made it in to work...

Many of your words describe MY OWN FEELINGS, THOUGHTS and EXPERIENCES EXACTLY...

It's AMAZING how MUCH of this EXPERIENCE is the SAME for MANY of US..

It's like this is a SYNDROME that needs to be DOCUMENTED...

Oh, the nights, those horrible long nights, when you stared at the moon shine on the wall, with your soul screaming, silently, for some relief.

I, surprisingly, missed very few days for the horror that I was sustaining. My bosses were very good to me. I never wanted to truly die, but I did have those thoughts about what if's. What if I got into some disfiguring accident, what if I couldn't take care of DS, what if this and what if that. It was truly horrific.

Those nights....

Xanax. I took Xanax every night, just so that I could get four hours of sleep. If I slept until 4 a.m. I felt like it was accomplishment.

One night, when I was staying at ILs (WH was at the house with the boys), I woke up at 3 a.m., feeling crazed and panicky; I couldn't take another night of it. I crept out of the house and walked the mile to my house, pounded on the door, sobbing.

WH sent me away, telling me to go back to his parents. I started walking back (3:30 a.m.), but had a blister from my flip-flops, so I turned around, went back to my house and lay down on the front porch. I was practically catatonic...laying there on the floor, staring, listening to the birds wake up.

WH didn't check to make sure I had made it back to his folks, so when they woke up and discovered I was gone, they were frantic. They called WH, who had no idea where I was (and probably cared less). He hadn't seen me since 3:30 in the morning, when he sent me away from my own home. His reaction?...I wasn't his problem.

Yes, I was a definately candidate for the looney bin. And all this time...the boys have been in MY care....frightening.

Anyway...TJ over...just relating to the nights. For me, it was panic and horror in the dark.