Pep

That is a very good question. Maybe one was looking for a way out of the abuse and because of past history made another really bad choice, but is now finally pulling her head out and wanting to make some corrections.

And what makes it ok for one to wave guns around and make threats just to keep control of what he wants??

There's only two things that kept me in this marriage, they are 14 and 15 years old.

And, it makes me very angry when one can sit on the sidelines and make judgement calls when they don't live in my shoes.

My feet are 2 big for your shoes, is my bet.

If you are in an abusive relationship, the first thing you should do, RIGHT NOW, is get those 2 kids 2gether and GET OUT.

Go 2 a battered woman's shelter.

The MB methods will not help you if you're truly in a physically abusive si2ation.

Pep knows what it's like in your shoes, by the way...

-ol' 2long

What abuse?


nothing at all ... I think it's disgusting ... but you picked him, married him, had kids with him and have stayed with him through HIS infidelities ....

why did you not pack up and leave if you felt this had become a dangerous situation?


and, have they witnesses "abuse" ?


making a judgement call ought to be your priority

if you really are in danger ... take your teens and get to safety

ONE way to confess your 9 year affair might be in front of other people

talk to your pastor
ask for advice
tell pastor you have reason to be afraid
will pastor offer you & kids shelter if needed?

ANYTHING but continue to have an affair with a man of such low character

You would not want your kids to do what you are doing ... live in the light

Pep

It is not physical abuse, but mental and emotional. But when he threatens and there is a loaded gun held between he and I, I choose to keep things calm until I can find a way out. And when the Sherrif is called to your home and decides just to call you rather than show up, well, that doesn't make me feel real safe, especially since sherrif is good friend with H.
I am getting way off base right now. I don't feel my life or my kids is in danger. I will not say anything of the A right now, I will end it and I will then explore my next step.
Thanks for your comments, I will be waiting for FH's return post to me.

Even if he "waves guns around" he still has a right to know about your affair. If you think he will shoot you [which I don't believe even you believe or you wouldn't have had the affair in the first place] then you should tell him in a controlled environment, such as a marriage counselors. Of course, if he really were an abuser and you really were afraid, you wouldn't have an affair, you would leave. But you didn't.

Regardless, his gun waving and/or "abuse" does not justify adultery. Adultery is about the worst form of abuse you can inflict on a spouse. It is right up there with RAPE, so when you talk about "abuse" you need to start with yourself.

One does not need to "live in your shoes" to make a "judgment" about adultery. Adultery is wrong, immoral, vile. There is no excuse for adultery. There is something wrong with anyone who can't make that judgment.


Too bad you didn't think of them when you committed adultery and risked their family. Of course, if your H really was "abusive" you would be irresponsible for leaving your children with them so I have serious doubts about your "abuse" claims. Not that it matters, it is no excuse for adultery.

why?

by the way

who is 2scared ?

Pep

HERE [color:"red"] <~~~ LINK to your 2004 posts when you "stopped" your 6 year affair. [/color]

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> .... what happened????

this is too sad

Pep

Waking Up,

You have NO IDEA how your situation saddens me ... I really think this is just a huge tragedy ... I cannot imagine "waking up" everyday to the weight of guilt and shame and regret you must wake to ... literally, I cannot imagine.

If your husband came on MB and wrote that his WW was caught in a 6 year affair 3 years ago ... and she was forgiven by him ... all the while thinking they were mutually trying to rebuild a marriage after that affair ... only to find out the affair never stopped ... I would ask your H to seriously consider divorce ....

And here you are, after being forgiven by your H

after getting warm/rich/welcoming MB advice ... encouraging advice to end your affair and begin anew... you continue down the road you know has nothing of God's Grace to offer ... in willful rebellion

You say that the only reason you are still married is because of the kids ... how insulting and demeaning do you have to be to the husband who once forgave you ???

Have you any idea how unloving and unreasonable and how selfish that comment of yours makes you look ?

To he!! with what your husband wants/needs/deserves .... he can just take the crumbs of affection and be lied to for another 9 years ... after all, he deserves it, doesn't he?

Have I walked a mile in your shoes?

No, I have not. Those shoes are muddy and soiled and you keep wearing them irregardless.

When your husband kisses you or makes love to you, does he know he's holding a woman with daggers in her heart for him? A woman who would leave him if it were not for the boys? Does he know the woman who he plans to spend eternity with would just as soon lie to him as say "hello" ?

So stop with the "abuse" defense ... it did not work in 2004 when you first tried it on MB, and it is dead weight that you drag along behind so you don't have to look at the day to day lie you have lived.

You had the benefit of the best of the best on MB in 2004 ... FH, JL,and others .... yet, here you are, again, talking about "steps" ... as if you don't know what the steps are and why the steps are necessary....

Truthfully, you do not owe anyone here on MB anything ... You can come here every few years under a different name and seek the same old same old "steps" to get you out of your self-made he!! ... and that just makes me sad sad sad ...... I pity you. Something I rarely say on MB. I do. I pity you.

You are intelligent, I presume you to be in good health, I presume you to be attractive, I presume you to be educated .... you have been blessed with 2 beautiful children and a husband who loves you .... You have been given so much potential beauty ... and you turn to the ugly side of life ... again and again.... and that is why I pity you. What a sad girl you are.

Perhaps it was the rape you suffered at a young age ... and so often it happends a person who has been a victim uses their pain as an excuse to victimize others ... " I was raped so now I can rape my forgiving husband of the marriage he thinks he has" ... or ... "I was raped so I can rape OM's marriage as well "... Being the victim does not give you the right to victimize.

YOUR PAIN is all that matters, right?
Not OM's wife's pain? Not their children's pain. Not your forgiving husband's pain?

I hardly ever go on a rant ... but your situation has touched me deeply. I do feel for you. I do. I cannot imagine walking around living a lie.

People of the Lie ~~~> "Evil is the exercise of power, the imposing of one's will upon others by overt or covert coercion".

When you were raped, YOU were a victim of evil. You lost your power.
Now, sadly, you have become the rapist .... this affair is all about keeping the power.

It is.

I am sad.

You might be the saddest person here.

Read M. Scott Peck's book People Of The Lie ... If you do not turn your life around ... the people who raped you are still raping you ... and you rape your family.

rape is about POWER not sex ... so is your adultery ... it's a power-grab ... and you have become what you hate

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

PEP:

That was a rant....

A deserved Rant.

If W2BF was here 3 years ago, and doing the same thing.....

Pish

She knows what she needs to do.....

W2BF:

Just DO IT!

Yes, It's a tragedy, it sucks waking up every day stuck in a cycle you can't break. Well I am breaking it.
I did not tell you any different story than I did 3 years ago. The reason for the name change is I couldn't remember my password and the email that it was setup under is from my previous place of employment.
Affair was cut off 3 years ago, for about 6 months, started again and ended. Class II affair, entangled. I'm tired of the entanglement.
My H did not forgive me never has, but that is beside the point.
So back to the only question I asked was how did FH's wife finally end her long term affair.
Thanks for the Pep talk.

W2BF

FH's W remained in contact with her OM for many YEARS after d-day causing enormous unnecessary pain for FH IIRC.

NC is a fairly recent occurrence in their situation.

She is NOT the example you want to use IMO.

Exposure put the WS and OP into rehab.

If you're serious about doing the right thing you'll do that.

Why are you so interested in how his W ended it?

It isn't that complicated.

Tell your H, and write a NC letter.

Change your phone number, e-mail address.

Get through w/drawals and get yourself to IC.

Just do it!

~ Marsh

Well, maybe if you could remain faithful to him for longer than 6 months, and actually get rid of your wayward thinking, he could come to forgive and trust you again.

~ Marsh

Have you forgiven your rapist?
Would you forgive if the rapist continued to rape you?

.... AND fall back in love with her husband ... AND fill his marriage needs by making MAD PASSIONATE LOVE to her husband on a regular basis....

more than stopping your adultery ... Consider ~~~> falling in love with your husband .... and making HIM happy

imagine that ~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

[b] [color:"red"] Don't you want to be madly in love with your husband and enjoy GREAT sex and committment with him for the rest of your life???? [/color]


.......... this is MORE than you deciding to stop being an adultress

it is about a decision to actually fall intimately in love with your husband

think about it

Pep

FH's W's A has some similarities to mine, ie contact after D day, just wanted to know how it was finally managed.

Have I forgiven my rapist, yes. Would I if they continued, no.

Falling in love with my husband and finally having a good marriage seems way out of my reach right now, but yes, it would be very good.

W2BF,

The word repentance has come up once more. You have already acknowledged that there is a difference between confession and repentance. I also see that you have really done neither.

The word repent comes from two words. One means "again" or repeat and the second means "to think" or "to have a thought." Together, the words mean "to have another thought," as in, "On second thought...) What happens when we repent is that we begin to think in a new way. That new way of thinking causes us to act differently. The actions don't affect our thinking, it is the other way around.

ANY contact between you and OM continues the cycle of the affair. The only solution is for you to have no further contact with him...None....Zilch...Nada!

Don't try to enforce NC by calling him, discussing your missing him and swearing undying love for him...It won't work!

Write a nice short letter. Tell him that what you did back when the A started was wrong, that continuing to have contact him was wrong and that you have decided that you wish to try to save your marriage. Tell him to NEVER contact you ever again for ANY reason.

Don't consider his feelings, consider your H's. Don't think about how it will hurt him; think about how knowing you have kept the A going will hurt your H.

You will also need to confess to your H. He may leave you because of this, but you still need to confess it to him. The problem is that as you describe your H, you will need to do it in a setting that will provide protection for you and the rest of the family. So you first have to have someone else involved that can mediate and help protect you.

Since this will come out, your kids will know about it, so you might as well be the one to tell them. You may not be able to do this in stages, but if you want the A to end, you must get all of your ducks in a row and get it done.

Any delay is simply delaying the end and causing additional grief to all involved. You made a choice a long time ago, now you must make another. It is simply a matter of doing what is right or what is wrong.

There may be many details that need to be worked out logistically, but they can be figured out. Until you have literally tried everything, you have not tried enough.

Baseball season is underway...time to step up to the plate.

Mark