W2BF,

"How do I begin to make this right?? "

By beginning no contact for life.

"I've been there before. I've lied, deceived, sneaked."

That isn't NO CONTACT.

"I don't want to do that anymore."

Then don't!

"I don't feel like working on my marriage, it's been in an "endure" state for so many years, it feels like it's not worth it,"

That's because there has been an affair going on.

"I know it would be the greatest thing that could happen if it could recover."

Yep! And it all starts with NO CONTACT!

"I'm sure someone has felt like this?"

Anyone who ever ended an affair the right way has.

"How do I begin to make this right??"

Send the email!

Mark

By doing the right thing.

One step at a time.

1) Tell your BH

2) Send the NC letter.

3) Change your phone number, and e-mail accounts.

4) Get your rear end into IC....and press yourself to find your highest honesty.

5) Get through w/drawals

6) Own what is yours.

7) Speak the truth.

8) Take your BH out of the box you put him in...there's much more to him than you think.

9) Take yourself out of the box you put yourself into...there's much more to you, than you think.

10) Face your fears.

11) Find joy.


~ Marsh

W2BF -


First, stop lying, deceiving and sneaking. I can attest from personal experience that those three actions alone will do far more damage to any hope of recovery than your LTA (which is still a significant issue you and your H will have to work through).

I can understand that you "feel" your marriage is not worth it, but this isn't about feelings. This is about what's doing right.

You sought FH's input on this. You have, I believe, claimed to be a Christian. So you know what you are commanded by God to do. There's nothing in God's commands that says do this, but only if you feel like it.

You are right - your marriage could be the greatest thing ever. The question you need to ask yourself is not "Why should I work on my marriage", but "What can I do to work on my marriage?"


By establishing NC. By confessing to your husband. By confessing and repenting to God.

FH, when he gets the chance to return, will reiterate that you need to surrender it all to God. If you want to do what is right in God's eyes, it will start at the exact same spot it starts for every Christian - at the foot of the cross.

I'll leave it to others farther along in their journey to give specific answers to any questions you have. But you have a place to start from - that place is you, and your relationship with God. Worry about today - tomorrow will come. Examine yourself, and determine what you can do to contribute to a successful recovery and an awesome marriage.

This forum will support you in your recovery every step of the way, if you let them. I wish you luck, courage and endurance.

"So what happens after no contact?"

Withdrawal and the POSSIBILTY of recovery.

Mark

Stop acting from your feelings.

Let God's word be your guide.

Repent.

Make amends.

If you will choose to be brave, and act from honesty, you will be surprised how differently everything will look to you.

You will look differently.

Your BH will look differently.

Your M will look differently.

~ Marsh

Thinking of the next "reason" you "can't," W2BF?

Mark

No Mark, email is ready and waiting.

Can you tell me how to block an incoming email address on Outlook?

if you do this he will only send from another account... CHANGE your email address.

W2BF:

I frankly can't understand why you don't just send the email and let the whole world see it, if that's what might happen. A little exposure on his end will go a long way 2ward insuring that he adheres 2 the NC request.

And, waiting for him 2 contact you so that you can send him a no contact letter is... ...well, CONTACT.

Cut it out.

-ol' 2long

Can't it's my work email. And if OM really want's to contact me, he will call me at work. However, I think he will be relieved that a decision has been made and he now has direction in life, away from me.

W2BF -


Select "Tools" -> "Rules and Alerts..." from the menu.

A window titled Rules and Alerts will appear.
Click on the New Rule... button.

When the Rules Wizard pops up, click the Start from a blank rule option.

Under Step 1: Select when message should be checked, select Check messages when they arrive

Click the "Next >" button.

Check the box next to "from people or distribution list" under Step 1.

Under Step 2, click the underlined "people or distribution list".

In the Rule Address window, enter OM's e-mail address next to the From -> button.

Click OK to close the Rules Address window.

Click "Next >" in the Rules Wizard window.

Click on the box next to "permanently delete it".

Click "Next >".

Click "Next >" again.

Click "Finish."

The now any e-mail sent to your work address will be permanently deleted unread as long as you don't turn the rule off.

If he calls or emails you at work, expose him 2 your HR department and let them deal with him (and protect you, which is part of their job).

-ol' 2long

W2BF -


Again, I feel your focus is on the wrong person. You cannot now, nor could you in the past, nor can you in the future, control what OM does or does not do. You can only control yourself.

Send the e-mail. He'll get it eventually. What he does with it is his problem, not yours.

It seems to me that you are very close to making a decision, yet you're still hesitant to actually make that choice. Stop throwing up excuses.

Send the e-mail. If he attempts to contact you, ignore the contacts (or better yet, if it's electronic, forward them to your husband so he can see that you are being true to your word of NC - since you will have confessed the true nature of your LTA if you are really sincere about NC and working on your marriage). If he calls you, hang up.

In short, do not acknowledge his existence. If he persists in trying to contact you, get a RO against him (this is one of the prime reasons to send the NC letter via registered mail, IMO - proof that you did attempt to communicate your wishes for NC to OM).

This won't get any easier the longer you wait, and the longer you wait the more damage that will be done to your marriage.


You've been sitting on this fence for how long now? For the sake of everyone involved, make your decision and move forward. I hope and pray that you will make the right one for yourself and your family.


One thing at a time, W2BF. First things first. Get that letter sent. Now.

One last thing - I bet if you talk to your IT people and let them know you're being harassed by someone outside the company, they will be more than happy to give you a new e-mail address - or even block OM's e-mails at the Exchange server level (depending on the size of your company). Never underestimate the willigness of a company to help an employee - their employees' happiness and welfare have a direct impact on how well they do their job.

Thank you healingbird!

Honestly, W2BF, if he's that persistant and you're relatively certain that he'll never leave you alone, your decisions are fairly simple to make (though not easy to impliment): Quit the job, move out of town.

I know you'll say you can't... but I'm saying that if it's that difficult to end it, the one way you can be sure of it (if you're serious, here) is to GET AWAY and have NO CONTACT ***ever*** with OM, especially if he's as obsessed as you describe.

let him know that any further contact will result in the police getting involved and then follow through with it if he contacts you again.

Your IT department can handle blocking his IP address so that he cannot email you at all.

so, what is the credible reason you need to wait to send this email?

I AM the HR department.....

WTBF...

Okay, I get the not feeling like working on it part...That really doesn't matter right now...What matters is the NC and a commitment to ACTIONS...Write what I'm going to say next down, and repeat over and over to yourself...

FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS

It really is a fake it til you make it sort of thing...Here's the deal, at one point LONG AGO, you fell in love with your husband and that most definitely can happen again...Do you trust God? Now is the time to show Him...Think about it, do you really believe that God doesn't have the ability to show you a way to love your husband? God HATES divorce...If your BH will have you, then please KNOW that God will show you both a way to reconcile this if you seek and follow Him...

Yes, you will go through withdrawal, and yes it will feel like he11, but do NOT turn back to OM, which is really turning back to Satan...You look to God for strength, and when you feel the desire to contact OM, you come here and say that, and let us help walk you through that temptation...This can be done and you will feel immeasurably better for doing it...Take the first step and send that email!

Mrs. W

P.S. I will share my story with you if you'd like, it does differ from yours as far as length of time and how it ended...not sure it will help much in that regard...What I can tell you is this...I do understand the gutter that you are now lying in as I have lain in the same one...I got up and you can too...

Mrs. W,

Thank you. I'm not looking for sympathy, just someone who understands what I"m feeling and says, yeah, been there, this is how to handle it...

Well then... What's the problem?

Tell you what. I'll check back in 3 years and see how you're doing then.

-ol' 2long