Shhhhh - my boss thinks I'm working.

Having a plan is a good thing.

He being excited about getting help is a good thing.

It's a start.

This will be difficult, and that is an understatement.
As long as you are up for the long haul, you may very well make it. I hope you do.

What do YOU think?

SS

well actually this:



sounds like an excellent first step

good for you

Pep

seeking - hope I didn't get you in trouble at work! I go back and forth between thinking there is hope and then despair. Either way, I am becoming very determined to hold myself to certain standards of conduct despite his actions. I don't want to add fuel to the fire anymore, nor do I want to hurt my children anymore. I am starting to think the AD are really helping with the emotional control. Thank you both for responding.. it helps to know I'm not totally alone in this!!!

I hope you all don't mind but I thought maybe if I posted on here everyday or so, with how I'm doing on my plan A goals, then it might help me stay on track better.

good - MEETING EN
so so - making home warm and inviting
good - EMPHASIZE WHAT HAS/IS WORKING IN MARRIAGE
good - SHOW CONSISTANT SELF IMPROVEMENT
good - STOP LOVE BUSTING
better but not good yet - COMMUNICATE CALMLY, WITH A REASSURING VOICE, AND RELAXED
BODY LANGUAGE
good - OFFER FORGIVENESS AND UNDERSTANDING
good - REMAIN OPEN TO RECOVERY
good - don't apologize for speaking truth
good - directly communicate hurt/devastation
making tons of progress here!!! I refuse to let our mess continue to negatively impact our children!!! ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES SO MARITAL PROBLEMS WONT CONTINUE TO
CHILDREN, OR RUIN FINANCES

Thank you for letting me post this on here. Kind of a self monitering system, I guess. It helps me to remember what I'm working on, even when I'm frazzled and overwhelmed.

Oh and btw, I just read the thread on why Pepperband and Believer love men.. absolutely beautiful!!! Thank you!

well.. I blew it. I felt so confident about how I was doing on plan a but tonite I went off course once again. I brought ds over to see h. I was already feeling kind of shaken from spending the day with my dad at the hospital once again. They started chemo today. I was also feeling overwhelmed with financial problems and my job. So instead of going into the situation feeling confident and happy, I just really needed a hug! Not good. A friend of h's was over, talking about how his estranged wife had found out she is expecting and how he's trying to be there for her even though she continues to shut him out. That was all it took. It brought back how horribly h had treated me during my pregnancy and yet here is this man wanting to be there and now this woman is turning her back on him! The tears started flowing. H took this to mean I was calling him an a-hole all over again and told me to leave. I just cried harder. He said that if I ever feel the tears welling up, and it is in any way related to our messy past, then I just need to leave. Find someone else's shoulder to cry on.

That is the short version, but as a result, I feel so completely alone and overwhelmed with everything going on in my life. Sometimes I feel that just to survive all this will be a miracle, let alone thriving and acting happy while I'm at it!

The immature one is him. What did that friend think about the schmuck?

L.

I went off by myself and cried quietly until the friend left. So he was already gone by the time all this stuff happened. I've since apologized up and down just to keep the peace. I feel somewhat wrong about this stuffing my feelings this way and apologizing for my humaness, but I just can't take the confrontation at this point. And I don't want baby exposed to that any more. H agreed to discuss this at MC on Monday but other than that is totally cold to me if I give the slightest hint that I think he is in any way even partly to blame for the disagreement that night. Is this some kind of fog? Not seeing how cold he is being to me? To even begin to face the horrible things he put me through would open up the whole pandora's box, and that maybe he's not ready to face that about himself?

Don't apologize to a WS, they consider acts of kindness and apologies as a sign of defeat.

L.

I agree that he almost seems truimphant and even gets more self righteous and domineering when I apologize (read grovel) I'm really trying to do plan a, but am having a hard time finding that fine line between making home a haven and me being a doormat. So I should be happy, confident, busy, and loving. If he gets mad and I haven't done anything I need to apologize for, then what? Just ignore him and continue on my merry way? I'm still trying to get this!!

Also, he seems to think that his "relationships" with the other women, although disloyal, didn't include sex, and so weren't affairs. I told him I thought they were emotional affairs, especially the one that he is in withdrawel from now.. he even called her his best friend. He had never heard of an EA and thought it was silly.. in his mind, no sex, no affair. Any ideas on helping him see how wrong it still was?

Yep, tell him the EA will go PA whenever one of them gets tired of the EA.

I heard the same babble from my WS.

He didn't believe in EAs also, until he went through the whole gammit.

If she isn't an EA, then he'd have no trouble giving her up vs losing his family, right? Right..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Stupid WS.... they have no common sense. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

He says there's been no contact for a month now and so far my spying hasn't turned up evidence to the contrary. What I'm upset about tonite is that we were finally going to be able to spend the evening together. (the kids from our previous marriages are at the other parents) I made bbq ribs, potato salad, the whole nine yards. I'm expecting him any minute and call to see if he will pick up some beer. Well.. he's already having a beer.. at the bar with his buddies!!! They just stopped for one he says and he'll be here soon. GRRRRR... I know that my voice turned cold on the phone but I'm wondering how to react. I want to LB all over the place yelling at him about how our marraige is just barely hanging on by a thread and he goes and wastes precious time that we could be spending together!!!! But I know that will push him away. But I also know that I don't want to be a doormat. So if he isn't here in an hour like he says he will.. what do I do??? How should I react that is not LBing and yet is letting him know that I expect to be treated with respect?

please.. if there is anyone on here.. please help me figure out what I should do and how to react!!! It's been a little over an hour now and no h. Do I just calmly explain that I feel unnappreciated when I have dinner waiting and he's 2 hours late. Then what? Go on with the evening or tell him forget it????

FIL - you are focusing on minutiae instead of looking at the big picture.

The ship is sinking, but you are only worried about rearranging the deck chairs.

You are in a very bad situation here. This is about much more than just where he's been for the last two hours and trust me - there is NOTHING you can do tonight that is going to make one drop of difference.

Again - you've got to look at the long term, not the short term.

It's clear to me that your WH is very much in control here and is happy to play you like a banjo so he can watch you explode.

If you want anything to change here, YOU have got to take control - not of him, but of YOUR OWN LIFE - and get back some semblance of sanity instead of just RE-eacting to everything he does and spending all your days in a state of panic and freak-out.

You are already living separtely, yes?

Would you consider doing Plan B?

During this time, you could:
1) Allow your antidepressant medication to kick in so you will be more stable and in control of your emotions.

2) Get a phone consultation with one of the Harleys. Hang the cost - how much is this mess costing you now?

3) Get independent counseling (IC) for yourself alone.

4) Step back from the chaos and upset and pain so you can think and breathe again. *Then* you will be in better shape to deal with all of this.

Please consider this. If you want us to help you, you must take this stuff seriously. Hope is not a plan, and neither is freaking out every time he pushes your buttons (which he is doing deliberately, by the way. If you go crazy, he can blame all the problems on you and take all the blame off himself - and you are playing right straight into his hands and giving him EXACTLY what he wants.)

You might also read the first link in my sig line and see what you think.

If you want to get serious here, there are things you can do and things we can help you with.

If you choose instead to remain mired in hour-by-hour drama and trauma, nobody here can do a thing.

Please consider this.
Mulan

You are SO right Mulan!!! I'm trying to get my life back on track and as you put it, into some semblance of sanity. I'm just now sure how!! That's what I'm hoping for on here, some sort of "plan", ya know? I really don't want to do plan B as we have an 8 month old baby together and if we can get along, I think it's good for him to see us interacting. Some of what I know has to happen though is that we can't fight around him anymore! Other than that I'm not sure. I am in IC. I don't think she is pro-marriage though. She's a divorced woman herself and specializes in women who are in transition and finding themselves. I'm thinking I need to find someone else.

Quote:
Please consider this. If you want us to help you, you must take this stuff seriously. Hope is not a plan, and neither is freaking out every time he pushes your buttons (which he is doing deliberately, by the way. If you go crazy, he can blame all the problems on you and take all the blame off himself - and you are playing right straight into his hands and giving him EXACTLY what he wants.)If you want to get serious here, there are things you can do and things we can help you with.

I will take any advice you all offer very seriously, I promise! I truly see this as my only way of saving my marriage!!

So I am working on making my life my own and not letting him dictate how I act (react). I am very disappointed in how I've handled myself through the last few months and don't want those actions to define who I am or who I become as a result of this M. I feel very much like the woman who started the FU plan. As I was reading it last night, it described perfectly how completely unrecognizable I've become, even to myself. And how I'm playing perfectly into what he's been telling everyone all along, that I'm this psycho b***ch that drove him to other women. When in reality I was a very quiet, mild, loving, nurturing woman that he was so sure he could use and abuse and throw away. That's what hurts the most, is that he acts sometimes (less lately) that I'm replaceable, almost disposable. Well, these are my rants this morning.. it really helps to get this stuff out, instead of carrying it around with me.

How I'm making MY life more what I want it to be:
1. exercising - to lose this 40 extra pounds that stayed after last baby was born
2. Returning to college - this has really helped give me a focus besides just why doesn't my husband love me anymore
3. starting my art again - it's been almost 20 years since I've paid any attention to my creative side.. I've missed it!

Any other advice? I promise I will take it seriously!!

I just read the info on your signature line about PA men. Wow.. that is us! Is your h that way? Does it get any better???

Today has been a long one. I have a raging headache, a child with a cold so was up most of the night with him, then spent most of the day with my dad at the hospital, and I still have my night class to go to. I didn't get my homework done and it's a test tonite. All I really want to do is crash on the couch, cuddled up under a blanket with my husband! But my h isn't that man anymore and we havent' done that in years. So I will keep my chin up and do what I have to do.. just keep putting one foot in front of the other. On the plus side, I've been plan a ing pretty good today, presenting a strong happy front when all I really want to do is sleep, and cry, and let someone else handle the daily stuff for once. I've been physically alone in this marriage for over a year and emotionally alone for longer than that. It's hard sometimes, ya know?