I bet things like this are how you two got into this situation in the first place.

Yes, another case of the BS telling the WS (you) that they want radical honesty, and then when they get it, they argue and tell you why YOU shouldn't feel that way.

Ok, a summary of my FWW's response:

She doesn't like me spending time just browsing around on the MB forums when it seems I don't really need to,


Stop right there and examine that. Who decides whether or not you need to and how do they judge? This is controlling behavior.

and thinks that I should only be on them if I'm posting questions or otherwise looking for answers.

You...SHOULD...only be on if blah blah blah? SHOULD...really??

She believes that sometimes when I read the other threads here, my emotions are adversely affected, and she feels uncomfortable when she sees the pain in my eyes, particularly if she feels that I'm experiencing that hurt because I'm being reminded of something that she did.

Let me pull out some relevent bits of that statement:

when I read the other threads here, my emotions are ?adversely? affected, and SHE FEELS UNCOMFORTABLE WHEN SHE SEES PAIN IN MY EYES, particularly if she feels that I'm experiencing hurt BECAUSE I"M BEING REMINDED OF SOMETHING THAT SHE DID

Now connect the cap letters and see what lies beneath. She feels uncomfortable when she is reminded that you are hurt by what she has done.

Your painfull memories and empathy for others is an "adverse" reaction because it causes her to feel uncomfortable.

These are not conditions that I personally would be willing to recover under. Sounds like a selfish entitled WS to me, not unconditional surrender and most certainly not like remorse.

I am the kind of person who reads the user manual fully. If I have a disease I need to study everything I can about it.

After massively concentrated posting for the first eight months or so my posting tailed off and i started to advise others. Again, i would argue not addiction:Iwas just paying back what I received.

Heads up to the husband if you recognise yourself.

Attempts to cut off your support are very often rooted in a desire to hide an affair gone underground.

If you doubt have a look through the search function for false recoveries and compare the number of objecting "F"WSs who felt offended or uncomfortable with your MB participation.

She feels uncomfortable when she is reminded that you are hurt by what she has done.

Your painfull memories and empathy for others is an "adverse" reaction because it causes her to feel uncomfortable.

These are not conditions that I personally would be willing to recover under. Sounds like a selfish entitled WS to me, not unconditional surrender and most certainly not like remorse.

From Penalty Kill

Hi Larry!

Before I forget, I want to let you know that your post about what you did when you discovered your W’s infidelity was great. (This is the post that Believer copied and made into a thread entitled Larry’s Plan for Men). I trust that your recovery is going well.

Thanks PK. When I get an attaboy from a FWW, it makes my day. We are doing pretty well. Matter of fact, probably better than we were prior to her affair. We have established new ground rules for our new relationship and they seem to be holding up. Certainly I am more obviously in your face supportive of her than previously. I have always supported her overtly and covertly, but now it is more obvious and easy to see.

PB and I have our ups and downs, but things are looking pretty up at the moment. I would say that we have both worked very hard to get where we are now, and that more work is in store for us. We have both had to modify our behavior. He had a couple of trigger-ish days very recently, and we got through it very smoothly and with a lot of love. So, things are good.

It takes time, lotsa time and lotsa work, right?

As usual, you raised some interesting points in your post. One of them is that we get only one side of the story, and that side often omits key details. And a marriage contains two people and is chock full of detail.

Whenever I respond to a post, I always look at the poster’s history, so that I can glean some information. Otherwise I might wind up being the equivalent of a doctor who issues pain medication for achy joints and misses the fact that the patient has Lyme disease and needs an antibiotic.

Yea, I try to do the same thing. And in this case, I failed and overreacted. Shame on me.

I watched both of HHW’s threads with increasing dismay. I noted that the word “addiction” brought on a defensive backlash from a few posters who talked about their needs, rather than looking at what was going on with LB68 and HHW. LB68 has addictive tendencies; his two pack a day cigarette habit and six-pack a night beer habit attest to that.

Does that make him a bad person? No way. But it does make him someone who had best take a good look in the mirror. Forum members telling him that it’s A-OK to spend hours and hours a day looking at MB simply because he's a BS are doing him and his marriage no favors.

Yep, lotsa overreactions from long term MBers.

HHW is a FWS who is trying. Her own H said as much, and came to her defense in her first thread. Is she there yet? No, certainly not. Do her opinions about her own marriage and her own H have merit? Yes, they do. To summarily dismiss them as revisionist history or worse simply because she is a FWS is a mistake, IMO.

[/b] I agree and disagree. I think something is still going on with her, but I do thing she is trying. [/b]

It is not “cruel and disrespectful” to wonder if your spouse is spending too much time online when you are there in person, waiting to get his attention. Recovery requires time with each other, not time on the computer. Now, in the case of a spouse who has left home, or is openly flaunting his/her A, I can more readily understand the need for online support. Enduring something like that really is cruel and unusual punishment and the more support, the better.

Both points well taken and I agree.

And to lob the ball into the opposing court, I think that when HHW said the word “voyeuristic”, she understandably touched a raw nerve. I would caution her to choose her words more carefully and with greater sensitivity. No one here likes to think that his/her situation is being ogled for entertainment value. What a hideous thought!

She was a bit callous in her approach and wording. I think that is what struck the nerve for most of us, including me and caused me to create a hasty reply instead of looking deeper. That said, if she is as callous in dealing with her BS as she was with us, then she has something she needs to work on for her own good.

Frankly, she reminded me somewhat of some other people who have a tendency to put foot in mouth by leaving out significant information someone is supposed to know because they know. . . yea, right. . .

Finally, MB is an online community, a cyber world of infidelity. It is not real, and when I read that for some people that this is their best support, that it ought to be a BS’s best support, I feel that is not quite right, and sounds very much like addict speak. Perhaps that is a DJ on my part, and I offer a sincere apology to any posters who may be offended. But that is my belief.

My support after Dday was my H and my friends. They were real. They supported the marriage. My H’s support was his friends and I. They knew both of us and they knew our situation.

Just more of my $.02

Sad to say, but this forum can be the "Only" support some people have. This can be because of isolation. It can be because the WS is simply not ready to be who you are PK and/or a ton of other reasons, not the least of which is the inability of most of us to find qualified and competent counseling. Most counselors are idiots in this arena.

And friends? We had great support from a couple of friends, one especially. Others were less than supportive. One even suggested to my wife that divorce was the only option because I would never forgive her. Wrong!!!!!

All the best <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />