Well I've posted here off and on.. And am still in the decision phase of deciding whether this M is worth saving or not.. I know it's a decision I need to make, but ultimately I want God to decide. He knows my future a lot more than I do. He has information I don't have.. It's information I need to make a legitimate objective information.. It's called the future..

Anyways, my story is around here. I post here for help in understanding what's wrong with my relationship. I knew something has been wrong since I met my W, but I didn't know what.. Now I have a better understanding thanks to many here.

She is emotionally controlling and emotionally abusive. Possibly even has borderline personality disorder.

I've been used so much, that I just don't know what to do anymore. If she knew that I posted on here anything at all.. She would throw a huge tantrum. One minute she's pissed off more than can be, the next, she's telling me how much loves me.. Then she'll bite my head off for the smallest things..

Sometimes, this place is a sanctuaary... Safe... I don't know whether I'm going crazy, and I definately don't believe I'm in state of mind to be able to make an objective decision about my future with current W. If I followed my heart and everything I'm feeling, I would ask her to leave for sure today.. It's been in my heart for some time. I'm seeing a counselor on a regular basis (once a month or so.) he's been helping me to focus on my own self esteem and self respect. But believes my W needs to be evaluated by a Psychiatrist for meds.. He doesn't even know if she's capable of feeling anything for me right now.

She refuses to go unless she knows that they'll actually care about her and not just be a pill pusher of some type.

at least that's what she tells me.

anyways, sorry to rant.. I just wanted to give my $-.02 worth. Sometimes there's nowhere else to go... Sometimes it's just easier to write what one's thinking without giving any thought to the thoughts.

Hi Larry:

I had another chat with "Tangled" and I think I finally have a good idea why she acts the way that she does in situations like this one. A lot of her behaviour certainly fits my idea of what might be behind it. No, it's not an A or anything like that. I think it's more to do with how she copes with the consequences of her choices.

Now that I have a good idea what might really be behind the things that she does, I can adjust and respond accordingly.

I would like to say, for my part, that MB was the only credible support we had in recovering our marriage. Friends do not understand and our Pastor, a great man, had no idea how to help us of counsel us.

Just my 0.02

I would have loved to have an IRL counsellor who could help.

hardheadedwoman

you said



YOU had TWO affairs with 2 different people over a few month time span and you think that HIS obsession with sex caused your problems in your marraige?

Have you and your H thought about counseling with the Harleys? Maybe you could use some help in understanding how much pain you have caused your H and how much time and effort recovery will take

i DO NOT believe your H when he says that everything is okay

he IS here for a reason and he SHOULD know it's OKAY to need support and to feel pain

it is way too soon for him to even think "everything's okay"

if you push him to heal too quickly or he denies and supresses his true feelings, you can't recover your marraige

IS he really being open and honest? have you given him a SAFE place to share his feelings? Perhaps the Harley's could address this issue for both of you

Huh? So......his obsession with sex couldn't have caused problems, b/c she then went out and cheated?? That makes no sense whatsoever. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


But more importantly, IMO...


I couldn't agree more.

However...

If he's drowning his troubles in a six pack every day, he won't recover anyway. Nor will the marriage ever thrive. He'll continue to deny, supress, and wash it down with a Bud Light... lather, rinse, reapeat... no matter how patient and understanding HHW is, or how much time he spends here on the MB boards.

First things first.

In the words of the big guy himself, from an article on this site titled "Alcoholic Spouse" (emphasis mine):

From Penalty Kill

Larry writes:


I agree with you 100% about counselors. We had two counselors; one was just horrible, the other had loose lips and told her friend that she was seeing us. The friend happened to be my SIL's SIL. My H was livid.

And I was certainly not into spending any more $ on [censored] who did more harm than good.

Big K writes:


Points well taken. I do believe that MB can be a help to both FWS and BS, which is why I encouraged HHW to POJA w/LB about time on MB. If he needs it, he should be able to get it - in moderation. She shouldn't have to vie for his attention, and he shouldn't have to give something up that is beneficial to him.

Regarding the support of friends, Larry writes:


With friends like that, who needs enemies? When I hear something like this, I wonder if there's a little schadenfreude going on there - a wish to see more hurt generated. And jealousy is the root cause of schadenfreude.

You will notice that I did not list my family members as supports for us during this time. Under the guise of support, all my family could do was to not so subtly suggest that divorce might be the best solution to the problem of a H who was severely stressed.

At one point, my father said, "Well, what is this teaching the children, if you stay with H when he is so hurtful to you?". My response: "I am teaching them that you don't cut and run when the going gets tough. You stay and deal with the consequences as best you can." Unspoken were the words "This is not a lesson I learned at home".

There were other instances of incredibly thoughtless behavior from my family during what was a very trying time for our marriage, and so I have detached from them in the last two years. I have no room in my life for people who will not support my marriage and what I need to do to salvage it. I need them to support my H, not cast aspersions at him because he's not "over it".

Sadly, both my H and I feel that there is a certain amount of schadenfreude going on with my family. In Soprano terms, my H is a "good earner". Our kids are awesome. We've been married a long time and still love each other, are still attracted to each other. Over the years these factors have provoked some jealous comments from my parents/siblings. My H thinks that there is a certain pleasure for them seeing "how the mighty have fallen".

Hi PK

My H thinks that there is a certain pleasure for them seeing "how the mighty have fallen".

Us too. Our problems were a source of great rejoicing and schadenfreude amongst the jealous parts of our family too.

Although...

With some of our best friends,our RECOVERY is what they find most enviable.

I guess we're doing something right:)

all blessings.

From Penalty Kill

Hi b0b!

So my H and I aren't alone in experiencing unpleasant behavior from family. Sigh. It just seems so antithetical to the way it is *supposed* to be; family should be supportive. But then I was supposed to support my H, not cause him to lose his mind. The irony is not lost on me.

I'm glad you've popped back in to MB to give us a glimpse of recovery a bit further down the road than we are.

Take care!

Ahhh, friends and family during a major marriage crisis...

FWW's family was about as helpful as the proverbial tits on a bull. MIL told me to just D her, her own daughter (she has never liked me for reasons I still do not understand.) One SIL told FWW to D me ASAP and go for everything she could get. BIL was too busy with his own affair to GAS one way or the other.

All my friends, the vast majority of whom are joint friends, thought I should D. They kept bringing up the fact that this was something like the n'th D-Day and she had been doing this for well over half our M.

IC thought I should D. She said I had never had a real M. But then, she was getting frustrated with me, I think.

The only MC (of several over the years) that thought I should not D was the MB trained marriage coach. She wanted me to wait until Plan B had an effect. She predicted exactly what did happen, and exactly when it would happen.

My large extended family was very supportive, even of FWW while I was in Plan B. In fact, I had some envious thought about why they were being so nice to her after what she did. Mom, ever the mom, said, "I want only the best for you and my grandchildren. As far as I can see, that is still a stable and recovered DIL - even if you D."


with prayers,

I feel incredibly blessed to say that my family, my mom in particular, supported Mr. W 100%...My mother was rightfully OUTRAGED at my behavior and as I found out this past December was instrumental in my affair ending (She called OM with very real threats-he dumped me the very next day) What an AMAZING mom I have...She told Mr. W that if for some reason the affair did not end and God forbid I should end up with OM that she would NEVER accept him and would likely disown me...She let me know the same...I am so proud to have a mom with such high moral character and the courage of her convictions...She and Mr. W saved our family...Grateful is an understatement...

Mrs. W

My wife's sister was happy to enable her affair. My father wanted us to reconcile.

what happened to HHW?

Good question. Where is she? Hope she'll be back soon.

C/b she doesn't like the responses? You know how she feels about spending time at MB. So why would she post here?!?!? Isn't that a conflict of interest? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Both she and LBoy need to really think clearly about meeting the needs of the other instead of themselves. What I heard clearly in her post is, that it is still more about him meeting her needs than she meeting him 1/2 way.

JMHO,
L.

Good point, Orchid. Maybe she'll change her mind.

I'm still praying for her and LoBoy.

Ace

Hello all:

I’m back. HHW and I have talked about my being at MB and she told me almost exactly what MIM’s wife said:


HHW and I have also talked about the amount of time that I spend on MB. I was spending too much time on here, and I have since cut the amount of time down dramatically. Even though I was spending time on MB, I don’t think it was affecting my family life, but it was affecting how much work I was able to get done.

There was also another issue that was bothering HHW about me that was unrelated to MB. She was holding that in, and did not express it to me. When she started this thread last weekend, her anger(?) was really directed towards this other issue which she had not communicated to me. We have since talked everything through, and are working together towards a resolution.

In the beginning of our ordeal, I was spending a lot of time on MB reading the articles and others’ threads to get insight into my situation and to try and gain strength from the knowledge that I was not alone in what I was going through. Then my participation in MB became an effort on my part to really try to better myself and our marriage in as many ways that I could. I have not posted often to others’ threads, but my recent time on MB has been an effort to try and help others with some advice or just emotional support. I have followed a couple posters’ threads and have sporadically offered advice when I felt sure of the advice that I was giving…I don’t want to offer others poor advice. And even when I have not posted advice, I am silently routing for the posters to achieve their goals of saving their M’s and re-connecting with their Spouses.

HHW and I have POJA’d the MB issue, and I will participate in MB when I feel that I need to, or when I want to, but I will limit my time on MB so that it doesn’t affect my Family life, or my work. Also, I will not participate on MB in front of HHW because MB upsets her.

Great to hear from you LoBoy. We're all rooting for you and praying for you. So glad you're able to improve your communication with each other. Keep us posted when you can.

Ace

I want to quote someone of proven wisdom:

Robert Heinlein defined love this way: Love is that condition in which the happiness of another is essential to your own.

So we go from "Whatever makes you happy," to "Whatever makes your partner happy." Or do we? Maybe we should be interested in the happiness of our partner and our own in equal measure.

Heilein's wisdom needs thinking about.

Now how does this apply to this thread and possibly to MiM's situation? Trust me, it does. I had to think about it for a while before it hit me.

Before I say what I think, I am interested if anyone, someone, gets the same take as I do.

Larry

hrdhddwoman,

I wanted to mention that as a FWW I would have loved for my H to have found somewhere he could have gotten answers early after d-day. My H had no one he could talk to and internalized everything. I came here not all that long ago to get a glimpse into the male mind because my H does not and will not talk about his feelings in regard to my A. He says he's over it and we are moving on. I believe him, but also know occasionally things creep up on him. I want to know the best way to handle things for him if/when things come up.

We have muttled our way through everything and 2 years after I confessed to him about my A I feel like we are doing pretty well. I sometimes wonder if we would have healed faster if he had somewhere he could turn. Maybe, maybe not we will never know for sure, but that's OK. More than once I suggested MC but he was not interested in going that route. Our motto is that it is about moving forward, not looking back.

Be thankful your H wants to educate himself to help both of you. Also, it will be helpful for you to know what's going on in his mind and how he feels.

IMO, it's great you both came up with a POJA for him to still get the support and advice he obviously still needs. It would be cruel and selfish on your part if you made it difficult for him to visit here.

It is extremely hard work to recover from infidelity, but you both have to be willing to allow the other the tools they need. In the end all the effort is worth it. I now have the type of marriage I always wanted, one with plenty of love, respect, appreciation and much more.

LB68,

It is good you and your W have come to an 'agreement'. IMHO, it was more of a give on your side since she appears t/b calling the shots and you make the adjustments.

However, I agree less time on MB is probably a good thing. Mine didn't want me on MB also. I let him know his job was to help me feel safe and I post on MB for 2 reasons:

1. To give back some of the support given me.
2. To get help and support when needed.

I do pretty good at item 1 but on item 2, he needs to help me. The less he helps me, the more I tend to rely on my support system which includes MB.

That is what I do for myself.

What we have learned is, it is a joint effort. Putting the changes only on the one person is not a joint effort. So my H recognizes my time here and I acknowledge his efforts. Not always equal so it is a learning thing.

You mentioned she had this thread going for another reason. Check this out....if that reason is unknown to you and others, then what is the purpose of the thread? Is the true or proper benefit being achieved if others don't know the real reason? Hm... that is another obstacle that seems to exist. Lack of communication.

I know my H still does this and it irks me. It also is a trigger since lack of communication was a primary cause of the A.

I recommend you both work on your communication skills. Please have both of you seriously consider His Needs/Her Needs so you both learn the general communication paths of men vs women. It's a start. Then call Jennifer C or Steve for some good MC. Their phone counseling is priceless.

IMHO, if both start learning to communicate openly (good and bad stuff), then both will benefit along with your family. Any break in that learning path, is dangerous.

So does she consider you addicted to MB? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.