I know how you feel Trying, honestly.

Hurts doesn't it ? I never knew a hurt like it. But the pain won't go away until you remove the source of it. You must pull the arrow. Lance the abscess. Leaving the house and running away will honestly make it harder to stop the madness, not easier. Being rolled along by the flow of events that are controlled by the waywards is NOT the best thing for you kids or yourself. I know this to be true.

Its dreadful, enfeebling, destroying Trying. You can do any one of three things in response:

1. Continue to tolerate your wifes evil affair while choking down your pain in fear like MIKE did ( click here) . His example is a cautionary tale as to what can happen if you don't take a stand. Mike tolerated a seperation too. It was not good for his marrige or his family. fearful Caution is not your friend right now. I KNOW this.
2. Divorce your WW while you are angry and in pain and not thinking straight. Even God ( He cares for you at this time, even if you don't care for Him) allows it for adultery HE understands how uniquely painful it is for us. But divorce doesn't remove pain. The issues still need to be worked.
3. Be a MAN and set the benchmark for righteousness and high-mindedness in a f'ked up situation. Be a hero to draw the sting from everyone affected's lives so decisions can be made while NOT in existential pain.
Trying your wife has never needed you to be a MAN as much as she does right now. She is incapable of a healthy relationship with anyone, not you, God or OM.

Its your job to reestablish calm and a fertile environment for discussion. No-one else is capable of so doing.

I know exactly how you feel that everything is hopeless, and you can't change the situation but that is your emotional response, not fact.

You owe it to your kids, yourself, your wife and the vow you made before God to be strong and calm - a beacon of light and hope in a terrible situation. Seperation is NOT the best thing for you - Harley says that - but you must make lemonade out of lemons.

Only then, once passions have subsided and calmness prevails can any of you make sensible decisions about your futures.

Whatever either of you decides permanently while hurting now will be regretted in future I guarantee it.

I have learned, and I truly believe that there is no higher state of grace for a man than to be what his family needs in troubled times, particularly when he doesn't feel capable of so being.

Be a knight not a serf. Take control of yourself and spread your calm through all your lives. Be restrained and objectived.

In that way you can be proud even if you DON'T make recovery.

Stop the (understandable) self pity and step up to the plate. Your wife needs you to save her from herself. Are you up to the challenge Trying ?

I'm just a bloke and I managed to do this against all the indicators. And I have never been prouder of anything I've ever done in my life. Understand that NOTHING YOU CAN DO can make you lose your wife any more than she is already lost to you.

Study MB. Address your issues. Love your wife while understanding the dynamics affecting her behaviour and thought processes right now. You wil be amazed how much more positive you will feel when you are taking affirmative, brave action against your troubles.

And it starts now with being the husband your wife doesn't currently deserve and the father your kids DO deserve.

Your calm and decency will shine like a beacon against the chaos of your WWs actions, and it WILL make an impression on the good woman that is captive beneath all her fog.

Hunker down for the long run but DEAR GOD it WILL be worth it. My life is transformed now - genuinely happy from a situation where that seemed impossible. But you have to calm down against your every instinct and act up.

Stop the passive meekness. You're entitled to it but as Dr. Phil would say "how's THAT workin' out for ya?"
Read ALL the articles on this site. Buy "Surviving an affair". Sit at the feet of Mel, Ark, WAT, Just Learning ,Pep and the other battle scarred but proud warriors who have pulled SO MANY of us from the firestorm over the years. And have faith that you can do this.

Then start to identify people in OMs life that might apply a moral pressure on him if they knew of his affair. Also have you exposed to your wifes' wider family and friends yet ? Exposure is a very effective tool. I shared your fears about exposure making things worse, but as BigK said how ON EARTH can this get worse ? Your WW is banging another man !

I don't stop by here often but If I can help you can find me.

I leave you with my question : "What would you do if you were not afraid ?"

Hi bob Pure,
This is amazing!! such an inspirational post. I am so appreciative of you taking the time to write it. I know everybody here means the best and I am so thankful for this.
Atthe end of the say we are all humans and this one here is really vulnerable. I am on outside very calm and nice infront of her and in front of my kids. I am picking new things to positively change myself and working on me. Honestly I have surprised myself in the last few days but ofcourse inside I am a mess.
I can be the calm man inside but dont know what the right course of action is when when my mind gets filled in with many scenarios and I know that is the problem. I try hard for the clarity to come but ofcourse actions come over. Everybody is right, I cant loose her more than she is already lost.

She is gone, but the fake hope is there that I do this she will change her mind etc. etc. and that is where exposing step is here in terms of the OM job. I dont know anything about him. just know who he is and what he does--that is it.

I would love right about this time to become man of steel to take charge. I am trying trying really hard. I will get the courage. I am a confident person today more than I was before this situation was revealed to me.

"What would you do if you were not afraid ?"
that is a very good point and I need to start implementing this thought process. By talking to you guys and I am doing exactly that--trying to build that confidence.

just keep getting discouraged of the logistics

ok so when I finally get the courage to do the exposure at OMs job, what after that. what should be my contact with my WW. focourse clam and cordial but should I write her a letter, tell her my feelings for her (she will not give rats [censored] about those). you guys have heard this a million time on MB about how WW are on a differnet plante of thier own created happiness and they have moved on to the new love.

so what after the exposure..how much long. by the way this has only been a week when the bom was dropped on me. I am going counseling for me already so I am taking steps for me

ok Melody, Mortman, PureBob others. let me have it

Who gave you this? Dr. Harley? Steve Harley? Jennifer Chalmers? Of course, you must work on yourself. Of course, you must make the changes needed to have a great marriage. But to withdraw means that BOTH of you have withdrawn from the marriage. Which means, the marriage is no longer being supported by either of you. Which means...it begins to die a slow death!


Look, you are right. Ultimatums do not work. Never threaten! Just do! At this point in the game NOTHING you say will mean anything to her. Only your actions will. Sure, you say that you do not like and will not stand for her affair. But never threaten action. She may ask "so what are you going to do about it?" Your answer? "I will do what I need to do to protect this family and our marriage."

No "YOUs"...only use "I's." Understand? "I will", "I feel", "I am."

trying

Finding out about OM is a most important first step in my experience. Finding a wife or someone in OMs life who has a stake in his good character or fidelity is incredibly effective. Do not believe your W if she told you he is single, all waywards lie, to each other , to spouses and to God. They can barely help themselves.

If OM is an officer of a listed company you can get a lot of details usng just the internet.

Else, a PI can get more details for you quite cheaply for people in the public eye.

Do this right now. Be empowered !

All blessings

I wonder if they would feel differently if they knew the TRUTH? She left for this affair, trying. She has abandoned her family for her adulterous affair. Her family has been told something completely opposite of what really happened. They have been told she left because of "unhappiness" [because you are satan incarnate] and she met prince charming afterwards. So, of course they are going to support that! It sounds like an A&E chick movie for mushminds!

And they may support ANYTHING ANYWAY, because they may be that sort of folks, but you need to TELL THEM THE TRUTH. They have the SPUN VERSION.

You must get the TRUTH out there, trying. She has abandoned her marriage and her family for an adulterous affair. That is what REALLY HAPPENED. And that needs to be SAID, over and over again, so your WW hears it. To do otherwise, FEEDS INTO HER FANTASY! Your job is to throw cold water on it.

I would approach it like this, call up her mother and tell her she has not been told the truth about all this and you need her help. You realize you were not the greatest H and made your W vulnerable to an affair. But the truth is that she is not leaving because of the marriage, she is abandoning the marriage and the family BECAUSE OF HER AFFAIR. Tell her you are committed to being a better husband and saving your marriage and your childrens family. Ask for her help in a) ending WW's affair and b) supporting you in saving her grandchildrens family.

If you don't think you can say this on the phone, send her a letter. But, the truth must get out there to replace the WW's SPIN.

In addition to exposing at work, I would plan on exposing to the OM's parents.

should I invite her for a talk or at this time it is just too late.

I am working on a plan to expose OM at his job. started to do some research last night and will have all his job data in the next few days and then start with HR (becuase I dont know who the boss is).

I did not put my name on the lease on the apartment she got so that is good. But are planning to rotate--she stays home three days with the kids while I am at the aprtment and then she goes there and I am with the kids. we will continiously see each becuase of kids.

anyway--I am gathering courage but just dont know that if anything will happen after the exposure. I am working on myself but she is not beleiveing anything and it is too early anyway-somehow I just want her to give this a try. I am not saying that we may not get divorce after that but I want the affair to stop and her to working a marriage a chance. sure it is a pipe dream.

work on yourself? Well, you should be trying to show you can be a better husband if that is what you mean. But now is not exactly the time to embark on an indepth self improvement program beyond that.



I would correct this ASAP. Tell her that you know she left for this affair and out of respect for you and the children, you would appreciate it if she would not screw around until you are divorced. That is the least she can do. She won't end the affair, but you can let her know this is adultery and is unacceptable to any thinking person.

BBBbbbwwwaaaahhhh, hah, hah, hah!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> No, I am not laughing at you! I am laughing at the complete nonsense that comes out of the WS's mouth! As I said before, she is an addict. If your wife was an alcoholic, and she was drunk and happy at the time...would you pay much credence to what she says? Of course not. Well, this is the same! Shoot, in her mind, unicorns are probably real right now. Trying...understand this...right now she is not a rationally thinking person. She is an order of french fries short of a Happy Meal!


How much further in his arms can she get? Puhlease!! Look at what you just wrote...any further in his arms and she would be a conjoined twin! Trying...all of the WSs are like this. If they werent, they wouldnt do this.


So what? She said "blah, blah, blah." Means about the same thing. You need to start ignoring what she says, Trying!


She is half right! It did take years to get here. The issue is that she cant see that there is a very simple (notice I didnt say easy) solution to this. She has no hope because she does not see any other way. That is where you come in!!


Trying, you are the only one that can save this marriage!! The odds are against her and that relationship. She has more of a chance of winning the lottery than it working out! Sure, there are no guarantees. But I do have one...if you keep doing what you are doing...she will be gone! Of course, she wont be with the OM. But she wont be with you either.

After you expose you can expect to see fire in your WW's eyes as she will be filled with rage for threatening the source of her addiction (OM). The first week will be the worst so you may want to lay low during that time and continue to be the lighthouse for her. She will slowly get over it I can assure you.

I would advice against writing any letters to her at this point at she will view this a being weak and needy in her current state. Just look at the things you were doing in the past that drained her love (LB'ers) and remove them, while trying to do the things that build love (EN's).

This will not be fixed in days or weeks...it will take alot to time and patience to get where you want to go and it will most likely get worst before it starts to get better...but be assured it WILL get better.

BTW, I know how you feel right now as I was there. I thought I couldn't do it either...but I just did it and was a wreck for a while. You will look back and respect yourself so much more for standing up for your family as doing the RIGHT thing is never EASY.

one clarification is that she had not abondened her kids. She is there with them 80% of the time. with the activities and school and homework. She cares about them and is really a good mom (as much as I dont want to say this it is the reality) so I am not sure if I can say thay she abondered her kids.
but then again my mind is freaking foggy

Why? Why are you leaving your home at all? You have done nothing wrong. You havent abandoned the marriage, abandoned the kids! Stop normalizing bad behavior! She wants to leave the family...then she leaves. But the kids, the family stuff...and YOU...stay in the family home!


Not a pipe dream, Trying. Her relationship with the OM is a pipe dream. Over 95% of all affair relationships end with NO marriage! Out of that 5% that do marry, 75% of them end in divorce. That means less than 1% of these relationships end up in life long marriages. Talk about a pipe dream!! A crack pipe! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

ok, trying, whose side are you on? Why in the world would you leave your home to accommodate her affair? If she wants to come home to spend time with the kids, you DO NOT LEAVE. That is your home. You do not facilitate her affair.

By doing this, you also protect her from the consequences of her affair. She has moved out and abandoned her family and she wants this set up in order to AVOID GUILT about abandoning her kids. You are HELPING her avoid guilt. You should let her experience the consequences and also allow her to experience what it will REALLY BE LIKE as divorced woman.

One tactic that WW's use is to try and get the BS to be her "friend." This is a clever ruse designed to get the BS to accept the assault of an affair and a D without complaint. The real intent is to get you to bend over and take it without complaint so she doesnt HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY.

It seems you have played right into her hands in this regard.

OK...first off, a week is NOTHING in the timeline of these things. They say that it typically takes a MINIMUM of two years for a marriage to recover from infidelity. You need to realize this isn't a sprint...this is a marathon. It's going to take TIME to for these plans to work. And a lot of hard effort on your part. So the bottom line is...quit viewing yourself as a weak person. You're not going to stand a chance if you go at it from that attitude. Man up, step up to the plate, and do what you have to do to save your marriage.

Listen to what MM is telling you..he's on the money (as usual) with everything that he's saying.

READ UP ON PLAN A...ASK QUESTIONS HERE!!!

Make sure you understand what it means...and how you can apply it. It's your first, most effective step in dealing with the affair and recovering yourself and your marriage.

trying are you and your WW still living together? If not what is the currnet arrangement and how old are your kids?

Sorry, but if she has moved out, she has ABANDONED THEM. And most courts view it that way.

"Caring" moms do not move out and have affairs with men. WAKE UP, my friend!!

She is a really good Mom??? Huh??? She is flaunting an adulterous relationship, she has moved out of the family home at least part time, she is trying to destroy your kids' family, she is hurting their father worse than any person ever could and doing so on purpose...and she is a good Mom?

Stop drinking the KoolAid with her, Trying. She is NOT a good Mom right now. Not by a long shot!

By the way...I forgot to ask...are you two Christians? Do you attend a church?

I have a reason for asking...but will expand once I know your answer.

She has been able, with your help, TO spin this affair in a positive light. thanks to you!!

She is enmeshed in a FANTASY because she has been able to successfully FOOL everybody into thinking:

"I was so unhappy in my marriage with satan incarnate, so I left that marriage to find the happiness I so deserve! I am victim, hear me roar! [lets not examine why I left my kids if he was so evil, though] And lucky me! Right away I just happened to meet Prince Charming! And my kids are doing great and BS and I are good friends and we are all so happy!!" <squeek!>

Who wouldn't support that???

The REAL STORY is this:

WW met a sleazebag at work. She was unhappy at home and fell in love and began an adulterous affair. She wanted to move out and pursue her affair but knew folks would look down on her if she abandoned her H and her kids for stud. So, she told everyone that she was leaving because "she has been so unhappy in this unhappy marriage with satan for years."

THAT is the story that needs to get out there. That is the TRUTH that will wake her up.