interesting,

ok I am going out to see friends. She never repsonded at all, never called at all today. might get on the board later tonight if I cant go to sleep. still so many questions and I am not sure if I have a sound strategy in terms of dealing with her right now.

Anyway-she will be back tomorrow mid morning for the kids activitities and the party so WE will see how it goes. She is today seething and just want nothing to do with me.

Bob-pure once said Plan A is like fighting from your knees. It's not easy is it?

You're are right...you cannot control your WW...you can only control yourself so it is important that your WW knows what your boundaries are. I had the same problem as you are having as my boundaries were not clear for my WW and she felt she could cross them without any consequences.

It is NEVER wrong to tell your WW how her actions are affecting you and the kids and that you find them unacceptable. She will most likely continue to cross your boundaries and that is when you take action.

The way I like to look at it is you redefine your boundaries in Plan A (i.e. NC with OM, committed to M, etc.) while working on yourself and implimenting both the carrot and stick of Plan A. After 4 to 6 months of this and when you have exhausted that option, you throw the hammer down in Plan B and enforce your boundaries with no questions as to what you will tollerate from a spouse in your M.

Now YOU regain control and YOU enforce your boundaries by going into NC with your WW. You have acted by removing yourself from the situation and have successfully enforced your boundaries.

You are a long ways from that point, but that is what may eventually have to happen as she doesn't respect you right now. My WW told me to my face that she no longer respected me during my Plan A. Well guess what...she has NO choice now but to RESPECT my boundaries in Plan B.


That comes as no suprise to me right now.


I completly understand my friend that is why it is important to try to excersie at it will elivate some stress while tiring you out a little. It is a constant battle and you need to work hard to fight the urge to give in. Try to take it day by day.


My favourite line when my WW would bring up seperation or D talk was "my lawyer does D...I do marriage" and leave it at that. Don't discuss seperation of divorce with her.


You continue to do what you normally do...sleep in your bed, eat in your kitchen, and play with the kids in your house.

ok I just got home. here is the deal, my friend suggested to call her with a news that you have all the infromation about the OM and you have received anaonymous information to what this can do to their carriers. My frind calls this an oivert operation to bring the fear in WAW and OM mind. his theory is to call her an let her know that you have received anonymous information that this A will be damaging to her carrier and will do more damage to him. (which is true)..so I am planning to leave her a voicemail on this. This is more like a covert operation on MortarMan terms. Do you guys agree?

Ok, you leave her this voicemail and she calls the OM and tells him. They then call HR on Monday and explain that WW and her crackpot husband have seperated because he is insanely jealous. He imagines that his W is having affairs with any male that crosses her path. He is very unstable, unbalanced and is threatening to make trouble for his wife and her business collegue, OM.

Soooo, if you ever do notify HR, they will have been forewarned that you are a nutjob; you will be dismissed because they have pre-empted you and you have been thoroughly discredited. They, of course, will ignore the rantings of a jealous, angry nutjob.

Your plan will do nothing more than FOREWARN your enemy of your battle plans so they can head you off at the pass and shoot you before you ever arrive. You will be NEUTRALISED.

Any other ideas?

p.s. conflict avoidance causes more conflict, my friend.

no no ML,
OM cannot afford to call HR in advance just because who he is. ALso understand, WAW is still married to me, official separation has not happened and they have been hiding the information (I have all the info). HE is involved in an adulterous affiar with a married woman who also has to be a vendor and so he may be biased towards her therefore calling ethical issues with other competitors. All I am stating is that I have received an anoymous tip on what is going on with end result of grave consequences.

this is really to bring the fear in WAW not so much in OM. I think OM can still ne tackled by HR becuase of ethical policies in place wehter I come across as lunatic or not

I am not sure if this is conflict avoidance, this to me is more like accelerating the exposure to her with a fear of reality and what could happen.

as far as OM is concered, the HR can also be involved for his part but this is more for the WAW to experiance the consequences or at least imgaqine then.

He CAN afford to call HR and tell that you are a crazy, ranting lunatic who is making up stories about him.

Don't waste your time with THREATS that you know you are too scared to follow through on. It never works. All your threats will do is drive them further underground. Threats do not end affairs, EXPOSURE DOES.

also at this time, my conmtact to HR is also going to be anonymous to their snitch line followed by a letter. so I was thinking to expose at OM job anonymoulsy

ML,
I have proof remember. I just want WAW to know that some infomration has been received and I know eho this person is and she need to get out of it now to somehwat save herself. this is not THREAT. this is exposure since she will realize which is about to happen at his work and so will he. He can go to HR all day long--I have proof to provide

What exposure?? you are AVOIDING exposure with this scheme. This is not exposure and making idle threats is not a reality.


That is not a consequence, it is a FOREWARNING to the affairees that they need to go underground. An idle threat is meaningless.

Making this lame threat will push them further underground, it won't end the affair.

but ML-the plsn is to expose

Don't even bother.

I must have missed that part. All I see here is a bunch of cowardly threats. No exposure though.

ML-
This is to cause fear of reality in WAW not much on OM. that is still separate and will be implemented separately. The targer here is not so much OM but it is WAW. The effect could be OM but that is not a gola. this is step before OM's exposure. This can also provide some fear within OM. if it is a forewarning to OM to what could happen in near future is also real.Bottom line is that it will scare my WAW to some sort of reality. This is purely to work on her state of mind. sort of insering fear of GOD.

plus I am leaving her just a voicemail on this. I am asking her to come home so we can discuss repurcussions of all this. still this is anonymous info that I have received. She will tell OM or not is irrelevant. I am purely working on her at this time. OM exposition is a separate thing. nothing to do with this execerice

well to some extent the cat is out of the bag. I left her a message to call me asap and also text her. nothing else. I will have to explain these actions. At this time I can only tell her to stop this affiar immediately not only to save this marriage but to save her and our reputation in the business world

Go this alone with a cockamaimie plan, and you'll be horribly sorry.

Why not learn from MANY people who have been personally involved with Marriage Builders and seen a TRIED and TRUE plan work over and over.

You are in a situation WELL over your head. You could easily set back the progress you could have made by following a real PLAN by weeks, maybe months.

Please rethink what you are planning, and listen to the advice you are getting here.

It is sound advice, and in your best interest.

Think about it.

SD

I understand SD.

I wont do this if all think it is crazy although now I will have to explain the urgent voicemail to my WAW and the text message to call me ASAP. crap!

again, the whole idea of doing this was to bring fear in WAW NOT in OM.The WAW becuase of the work position she is in will immediately recognize the implication of it. She has told me repeatedly that things wil l and can go wrnog for her and for him if somebody related to thier positions find out.. ALL I am doing is making up a story of receiving an anonymous call of somebody telling me of her affair and the imlication of this affair-- that is all.