Still, can you take a different route the next time that you go get coffee?

I try to take a different route myself and if I do pass my the house...I don't look...why, because I would be inflicting pain on myself...

This is WHAT I NEED to have peace...what DO YOU NEED to have peace? What can you control about your pain...about not getting hurt? What can YOU do to have some peace?

Stay out of other people's business and being in Plan B your WH's business is none of your's.

Still, I'm not trying to be mean, I understand that you are hurting but you HAVE TO practice this for your own peace of mine!

((((STILL))))

Rin,

I know I'm making it worse on myself. And I do have to take a different route. It's really hard.

I feel like I spinning out of control in my plan B because of that stupid e-mail yesterday. In some ways it got my hopes up again.

But he still is being a pig. I've got to wonder she doesn't seem to spend much time with her kids. Cause Tues night she wasn't home either and DS was with WH.

I know none of my concern. Need to call my attorney and get back into plan B gear.

Still
PS Rin you are not being mean at all. Your are being a friend.

Do you have a sponsor yet? I think that it would be wise for you to get one. It will help you with staying present, focused, help you let the program a little faster...

A IRL...other POV to help out...I think this will do you wonders...as for WH...he's going to lie to you and munipulate the situation any way that he can to control you into doing what's best for him...

I haven't read the email but I know that he only looks at his interests and not yours...YOU have to protect you b/c it [email]da@n[/email] sure it's going to...lip service...that's all he's good for at this point...

Actions are inconsitent with his words...

Still, you are a young, vivant, strong, talented woman...who has fought some tough odds...get yourself unstuck and start moving forward...no matter how slow...keep moving...

You have your whole life ahead of you...perhaps just as long as you have been alive...YOU ARE lovable...you deserve to be treated better with tons more respect...

LOL...OKay...I'm done with the pep talk this morning...

:Stepping down off my soap box: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin.

How do I get a sponser? Do you mean from Alanon?

I wasn't able to make Mondays meeting. Do I just ask at the meeting?

Thanks for the pep talk. I really needed that.

I'm glad you think I'm strong because right now I feel very weak. Controling myself from calling and begging again to stop this divorce. Now that's not what a goddess would do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Kind of bummed wanted to go shopping today but weather stinks. Maybe I'll go later.

Need an outfit for court on Monday if I don't cancel.

Still

Still,

I'm with Rin,,,,, you ARE one STRONG woman! Look how far you have come under the most painful of circumstances!

You didn't crawl in a hole, you didn't give up, you have KEPT MOVING FORWARD - - and you can continue to do so.

Ok, allow yourself that you had started to slip off the horse. Grab onto that saddle horn, pull yourself up, and take the reins in your hands. YOU are guiding this horse, no one else.

Sorry the weather stinks,,,,, I know how that dreary weather gets to me, too.

But, light a fire or turn up the heat in the house, take a bubble bath, light some candles, put on some GREAT music, slip on those Goddess undergarments! Loosen up those chains and dance girl!

Yeap, just ask someone that you like or you think will be hard on you...just ask, that's all I did...do you have a list of names from the meeting...phone numbers...someone that you can call from al-anon that can support you when you are feeling this way...

The main thing I need you to remember is that you will not allow him to have his cake and eat it too...

Do you remember a few days ago CJ told me to write on my hand: Is he trying to get a reaction out of you?

Unfortunately, you are in a war...it's called D and your WH is out to win...yes, you fell weak but that feeling will cause you to lose some stuff that you may need in the future...perhaps not for you but for your kids...

please, PLEASE...don't cancel and don't allow yourself to be sucked in...

Aren't you pi44ed off for all the times that he lied to you, use you to get what he wanted or needed, said hateful things to you, thought of himself more than the kids...

I use my anger to promote my action in the right direction...yes, I'm hurt but you know what there will ne time later to deal with that...right now, I have to watch my back...because if I don't two little kids are going to get screwed in the process and I WILL NOT allow that to happen if I can help it...

It's a matter of choices...what's yours? Do you want to keep being the victim or have you had enough?

Just got off the phonw with my attorney.

He is going to offer keeping things right now as the status quo in a court order. So that WH can't just stop depositing his check into joint account like his attorney threatened.

And he is going to tell that the Sunday hasn't been decided it only happened once. so far.

Why am I still so afraid to get him mad at me. After everything this man has done to me. I don't wamt him to be mad at me.

Then I wonder am I doing the Sunday thing for my benefit and not DS's. I really need to reflect on that.
I'm just afraid the CS will not be there if I allow DS to go there on Sunday nights.

And yes I want everything I want get out of him because he hurt me so bad. And right now financially is what is going to hurt him.

Still

WH just e-mailed me to see if I was home.

I want to e-mail him back so hit me with 2X4's.

Probably will be getting an angry e-mail soon anyway as soon as WH attorney talks to him.

Still

LOL...I can relate to not wanting to get "him" mad...do you have any al-anon books...the book one or the yellow one...

I recommend reading on fear in the blue book...pg 10 is good...well, they are all good!

Basicaly, you have to live through that fear...the opposite of fear is courage...and usually our fear is half or sometimes nothing of what happens...

So what if he gets mad...that's about him and not about you! He can be mad and you don't have to let it effect you...

Once you start living beyond your fear it WILL get easier, I promise and YOU WILL feel SOOO MUCH better about yourself...

I really understand...but you have to take the steps to empower yourself...it will give you a sense of freedom, perhaps you have never felt before...

YOU can NOT control his reaction...Have you been reacting your whole life? I ask because I was! It's hard to stop that and start taking action but YOU can do this!

I have faith in you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

I do believe I have been reacting all my life to him. It seems my whole life or at least a big chunk of it I have been trying to please him. And in the beginning we were both trying to please each other.

Then it went off and on like all of our marriages. Then it was only me trying to please him.

I don't have any books from alanon. The meeting I have been attending is small (about 7people) and they really don't have a budget. Do you know if you can get Alanon books at a bookstore.

Which one would you recommend. Because I really do need the empowerment I can get from those books.

Because the last 2 days I have been feeling defeated and feel that there is no hope at all. I want my feeling of empowerment back like I had last week.

Rin and Bugs thank you for being here for me today I really need it.

Still

I like the blue book better, One day at a time, I found mine at a used bookstore for $4.00...I'm not sure if they have it at a new bookstore...

I can say that I read and read when I first got them...oh, and that's a good size group...about the same as the ones that I go to...just enough to do the hour! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Like my IC said yesterday, you have lived in HIS reality for so long that you begin to think that it's the truth when it's not...that's why they close you off from OP...another form of control...

I didn't talk to my family all that much, has no friends to call my own, just the kids and Him!

Your story sounds like mine...everything became about him...I gave and gave until I had nothing else to give...it's time to start taking back yourself...

Myself...the whole point to PLan B...goddress wear...doing things YOU like...getting out...whatever it takes to make YOU feel good...

Easier said than done, I know...but you have to stop the "what if's" and "should have" that's the reason we get stuck...you have to actually tell yourself "No, I'm not going to do this to myself!" and think of something positive...

I know you KNow This! LOL...I just like to repeat myself sometimes! LOL

Still, you're doing so well. This is really hard stuff--probably the hardest thing you will ever do. But it is so worth it. You know you couldn't keep going the way you were. You made the decision to start Plan B, and it was the right one. You've done really well in Plan B so far. Keep it up!

He wants you to respond. He's trying to break your Plan B. Don't give in.

He will get mad. You know that that's not your fault. That's him beginning to feel the consequences of his own decisions--his own bad behavior. He will blame you, but you know that it's not your fault. You are, in fact, doing everything you can to help him, but he won't know that.

Stay strong.

I agree with sdguy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

Do you know the name of the blue book off hand? Or is it just called the blue book?

I'll check out the bookstore and try the library for the book.

I'm starting to feel guilty about not answering WH e-mail, stupid huh.
Also feeling guily about this Sunday night thing. Wondering if I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. WH has been a better dad to DS lately then ever before. I still feel like I do most of the work.

Also afraid I'm going to get screwed in this divorce... WH gets to cheat and have his ho on the side. Will not have to pay CS and get everything he wants and I get screwed by him again.

I know stop thinking of the what ifs.

Still

Name is "One Day at A time"...

Not studip, normal..I went through that...and I'm sure that I'll do it again...NORMAL...you'll be okay!

No self-doubt...trust yourself in knowing that you've made a good decision...do not start self-sabbotaging...you will only create more heartache and pain for yourself...why do that?

I saw a what if?
What did LA say? M2L, has it in sig line...

Worrying is like praying for what you don't want!

Please don't live in tomorrow and I'm saying this because I find that from time to time I do it...I may need to be reminded myself!

YOU ARE DOING GREAT! Today...today is the only day that's important...not court day...not next month...not Sunday...Today!

still,

I would like to do something with you that I often do when *I* am afraid of something. I call it "The Worst Case Scenario."

It goes like this (and I will use my own personal fears so you can learn how to play):

I am very much afraid of having no place to live--either being kicked out of my home, or having one of those fights where one of the hurtful weapons against me is, "This is not your home! It was never YOUR home!" and then feeling like I have no place where I belong...me and my things.

So, to soothe my fears, I play "The Worst Case Scenario." What is the absolute WORST thing that could happen if what I am terrified of actually comes true? What if we really do have a HUGE knock-down, drag-out fight and he really does say, "This is not YOUR home! It was never YOUR home!"?? What if I really am kicked out and have nowhere to go? I would be homeless. Except that I do have a bank card, and at the very least I could get a motel room. Gee--you can rent them for a week too! And I do have a job, so although I would be very upset and find it hard to concentrate, eventually I would get my paycheck and be able to rent an apartment! And if I lost every single one of my possessions (had no furniture, etc.) I have friends who would let me borrow--and I could go on Freecycle and get some stuff for free. Yeah, it wouldn't be the Taj Mahal but I would be okay! I would survive! And that's the WORST thing that could happen. That means that anything else would be less scary than that...and that's not so scary!

How about you? You are afraid of "making him mad." Okay, let's play "The Worst Case Scenario." Let's say that you decide to be the Wicked Bee-itch of the West and make him PAY for his two affairs. You decide you are going to SICK BALLS and you turn your attorney lose on him. You demand twice as much CS as the formula suggests; you demand all the equity in the house; you demand life-long spousal support. OH YEAH! THAT BOY IS GONNA PAY! And he gets mad. Not just mad, but raging, ranting, screaming, yelling, threatening, knock-down, drag-out MAD!!!

What happens? He can't scare you with "I'll move out" or "I'll kick you out" or anything, because he has already chosen to leave! He could stop paying into the joint account, and you'd have to work or live at a lower lifestyle then you're used to now--but Gee you could do that! You're smart and capable, creative and intelligent. You could get a cute little townhouse for you and the kids, and decorate it up from the thrift store--and paint old furniture--and have a darn cute, cozy, CHEAP little life. What can he do to you? Scream? Nope--only if you listen to it. He chose to leave--you can hang up the phone and delete the voice message! You don't have to listen to his ranging anymore. Soooooo...there's not much his anger can do, is there? And that's the WORST case scenario! You can survive that, and that's the WORST!! Anything else would be easier!

SEE??? You will be alright, still.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Still, you are in a cycle. You have grown used to the dynamic of your R with WH. Shake that guilt off, for it is not yours. You are suffering the consequences of YOUR decisions to Plan B (as with all decisions, good and bad), and Plan D. The constant stream of emails and contact that your H throws at you do not help you to focus. They muddle you. Do not respond to his emails. He disrespects your wishes by calling and emailing. You aren't angry right now, not really. Once the anger comes in, you will have more resolve.

I still love my H, but have no time for the wayward. Truly, seriously, I'm not kidding. When my H peaks out, I'm intrigued, but the hold that those moments had on me has passed. Yes, I still get triggered from those moments, but I am much more triggered by the past and by MY OWN THOUGHTS.

Rin is right, TODAY, focus on today, get through today, enjoy bits of today, take care of CURRENT business. Divorce is business. Let your attorney do his job. If your H was controlling, that is something that I'm sure is a struggle to let go of, in itself.

That's what I keep telling myself also worrying is like praying for something you don't want.

It's just so hard to do.

It's time to start reciting the serenity prayer again.

Still

Still,

I am glad you decided to stick to your guns.

For me personally changing my broke way of thinking was the hardest.

I really like CJ's game though.

My broke way of thinking was a habit. Even though I knew the dynamic between the FWW and I was wrong I wanted her and it was a habit to engage in my typical way.

In most relationships you will see this. Healthy and unhealthy.

Last night the FWW were in the kitchen together. We were watching her friends son and we were cooking. Her friend laughed at us.

I instinctively knew where she was moving and she knew where I was moving. It looked choreographed. She reached across me I reached under her. I grabbed the drawer she backed up a little. I grabbed the milk she grabbed the measuring cup.

We get used to doing those things togheter and we know the others reaction. Had her friend stepped into the kitchen it would have messed us up.

The thing now is your H knows you and what your reaction to many of these things will be. You on the other hand are not dealing with the same person anymore.

So he has a uperhand on you.

I would suggest moving forward as if he is not a friend or an enemy.

Treat him with the indifference you may treat a rude stranger.

Do nothing out of emotion. You will be ok.

From now on throw a wrench in his choreographed ballet. Just stand on the wall and let him figure out what next.

Now that's the lady I know...

pat yourself on the back...you're getting somewhere's...progress not perfection!

SL- I love that D is business! I'm making it my business...

CJ-WOW, I like that too! he can get mad at me all he wants now...as far as I'm concerned "Sorry, buddy, you should have handled your business!" LOL