Popping in real quick.

My parents are now up and snuck back on computer to reply. I need all the 2x4. 2x12's today. I think it's just thinking about this time last year. My H did trip with DD last year to Disney for softball. And I think that's when the A was starting to get going. So this is just triggering me.

And like Mimi said any contact just brings me right back to the beginning. My own sort of withdrawel. And it sucks. It's going to be nice to get away from this for a week then he's gone tll Friday the 20th with DS. So my contact will be only with DS and none with WH. I hope.

This isn't my fault and I won't let him like I was doing thinking it was mine. I'm scared... that if I don't make nice I will lose him and our M. What I need to looka t is that is what is happening and I can wish all I want and I'm still losing. Got to prepare for the worst and wish for the best.

Let me see 20 things about me that's great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I'll have to think about that plus the things that WH has done to me also.

I will post later this afternoon my thoughts on this.

Rin, Bugs, Silent, Mimi and Dev.... thanks for being there for me

Still

Boy had to go way back to even find my thread.

Have been back from Florida for a couple of days now. The trip was fun. Had some hard moments traveling... missing how H used to help with all the complicated things. Really the first trip I have taken as soon to be divorced.
Also missed him when it came time for rides and such... we use to have a lot of fun doing amusement parks. Plus the last time I was at disney was a family trip. How time changes things.

DD celebrated her 17th b-day in Florida while we had tornado warnings. I took her to Circ de Soleil for her b-day. It's what she really wanted. It was amazing. She is such a good girl. She has deep feelings for me and does little things to help me over the humps.

The only bug was I was suppose to arrive in Orlando 7:30 Wed. Never arrived till 4 am Thursday. Never fly into Chicargo.
Trip home was alot less eventful.

Had practically no contact with WH. Just to TM him to have son call me. And those times are when I was brought down.

Waiting now for DS to arrive home from his trip with WH. I miss my baby. Although found out he likes a girl that has the same last name as HO. That was a major trigger.

Plan B status, trying to let go and let God...even if it's only for 30 minutes. Been having a tough time today with movies of them together.
Also trying to tell myself that I still have hope... and remembering a line from serenty prayer about continuing to believe in what's right even when it seems hopeless. And right now it seems hopeless.

Still

Still


Welcome back!

Sounds like overall FL was great! It is hard doing things without the H - I know. Mine is doing all of the stuff we used to do with the OW.

You can hold all of those special moments with DD in your heart and mind forever. SO special! She sounds like a great kid

Hang in there!

Sorry I did not get your thread bumped up with a welcome back earlier - I was thinking of you,

Thanks Bugs,

No need for the bump...

Just answered phone and it was WH.... I hate hearing his voice it just hurts so much.

How long is this going to affect me.?

He wants DS tonight and asked about the weekend. He just has him for 8 days. I would like to see him, I don't care if it's his weekend or not.

Just venting.

Still

Do you not have caller I.d.? Make him leave a message atleast - that way u r not interacting with him

Did u tell him u want DS tonight and the weekend? You should have him. Period

If u did not stand up for yourself I am going to have to give you a big ol' smack. I don't want to do that your 2nd post back, but it sounds like u may need it!

Where is the Goddess attitude!

Yes I do have caller ID, wasn't near it. Didn't expect him to call was actually expecting a call from a friend. Her H was WH roommate on this trip.

I will let him know I want DS at least until Tuesday. He can have him Tues, Weds, Thurs. May Have to face him on that one. No I'll just e-mail him in the morning. Will have to see him though when I go to meet the bus. Will just not look at him and not carry on any conversation.

Goddess attitude is hiding I guess tonight. Can't let that happen. Will primp a little before I go so he can see me looking good. And I have a little bit of color. Although my nose is peeling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Still

I second that motion!

Thanks Rin,

It's just one of those nights... off to pick up DS. Wish me luck on encounter with Wh.

Still

Luck and all the elephants you can handle! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Be the mountain!

Still, work on ALWAYS looking to see who's calling. If you don't catch it in time, let it go to answering machine. There is no need to pick up the phone.

Hang in there, and work on letting go. It takes some time, and some recognition that the WS is a person that you never ever deal with. EVER. You will get there, but darkness serves it's purpose in this, and you will need to stick to it more. Use your commen sense mechanism. Don't rush to pick up that phone (even though I know those morsels look good, avoid them).

You can do this. If I can do it, you can. It's tough at first. I had two good, solid months of Plan B before WH came around this last time, and I'm settling back in again.

Like Mimi has expressed over the past few days (Lord I know she must be tired!) DARKNESS against the wayward; leave them in their own dark place, let them go to let them find their way. You cannot BRING them back, they must freely, on their own, fight the demons. Plan B shows them a taste of doing it all alone, no support whatsover from you; which they have always, and STILL, count on.

Thanks Silent,

Very good advice,

I did really well picking up DS, barely acknowledged WH. When I saw DS I gave him a big hug. And while I was hugging him WH came by and I didn't look at him... I felt it affected him. DS said look at dad's jacket (on the way home every signs thier jackets) and I just said oh and went back to talking to DS.

I've got to admit looking at pictures from his trip the one's with him and WH were hard to look at. I want to so badly talk to him about the trip, I had done it twice with the girls. And I know the parts he would of enjoyed. But that's sharing a H and W does. Not a BS with a WH. Maybe someday we can talk about his trip, but not while he's WH.

On my way to get DS I remember the day I came bacl with DD, it was my b-day and my H didn't even hug me when he saw me. Sad huh.

I do much better when there is no contact.... now back to darkness.

Got to wonder if he'll even acknowledge my b-day coming up. The last few haven't been the greatest.

Still

Still,

How are you this morning?

What's the weather like there today?

What positive, Goddess like thing are you going to do for yourself today?

Plans for the weekend?

Are you seeing a theme here?

(HINT: Concentrating only on STILL!!!)

Hi Bugs,

Yesterday was a tough one for me... just thinking about alot of the confusion i had last year and how lost I felt. Never ever thought I would be where I am now.

Dealing with stupid little triggers... saw WH hug another chaperone (female) on the trip and felt very jealous when I picked up DS Thurs night. It's like betrayal again... this really doesn't make sense to me. Then it does because I would kill to be hugged again.

This morning I'm doing better... it's going to be a beautiful day and getting ready ti go to IC, really needit haven't been in a while. Going to get those thoughts out of my mind.

Tomorrow is going to be another first for me... my first birthday without my H. It reallt shouldn't be a big deal because it seems the last few years, since his first A he was going out of his way to make them miserable. He knows birthdays are a big thing for me. His and kids also.

Must jump in the shower.

Still

Still -

Wish I was ther to take you out tonite for a bday celebration- GODDESS STYLE!

Call a friend and do something for yourself

Glad u are seeing IC. It does help.

I wish I had some great inspiration for you, but am struggling a bit today myself.

Hang in there!

Thanks Bugs,

I wish we could go out tonight for a birthday celebration goddess style also. Right now not sure I am up to it.

IC was pretty emotional.... haven't cried that hard for a long time. Right now I'm emotionally drained. Last year we left for Jamaica on my birthday me thinking it was a chance for us to reconnect. I told him all I wanted for my birthday was to make love. He couldn't even do that.

At IC she asked me if I thought he was having a difficult time also with all this firsts coming up also. I told her I hope so, I hope he isn't that cold that none of this means anything to him. I'm the last one he's going to show. Then I don't know he has everything and I feel like my life with him meant nothing.
All I want for my birthday is my H and M back. A fantasy, just like when we want a pony when we are little.

She aslo asked me if I thought he was having second thoughts and was just afraid he has gone so far he can't turn back, I told her he knows I still love him and want to work to stop this D and have a better M.

Going to watch DD play her game.

Still

Your H knows but the WS refuses to acknowledge it. Can you imagine how that could torment one's soul? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Knowing this is a key..... it is a tool you can use. Leave signs for your H (subtle ones <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ). He will see it. Expect those signs to anger the WS.

See there are ways to communicate with your H but it may anger the WS. The BS must learn t/b strong when this happens and have a happy RB plan to put things back in control. I call it giving back the WS their guilt. Reverse babble was an excellent tool for me in that regard.

L.

Still

Hope this finds you homes from a winning game for DD!

Girl, I know how absolutley Exhausted you must be feeling right now and that it seems there is no end in sight. Iget that way, too. It's ok

Lots of triggers for you recently and those darn birthdays do not help, do they?

HEY - as I recall from a while back, YOU were supposed to go shopping for yourself for a special something,,,, Remember??

Remember what I bought myself for MY birthday?

I think you need to do that for sure! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Sweetie - know that you in my thoughts!

hey girl

happy birthday

it's my H's birthday too <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the birthday wishes....

Really hard weekend. LAst night cried on my GF and her H shoulder. My friends are great comfort.

DD pitched a great game yesterday. Although it was a ling game the score 32 to 5. In order for it to count they had to go 5 innings. WH was at game. Real pissy towards me cause he called and I woudn't take the call. When he saw me walking to the field he came over and said thanks for calling back. Just ignored him and enjoyed my DD game. But boy he looked good.

He did take the kids out to get me a birthday present last night... picked up DS while we were at friends for bbq. Just got my gift and it's beautiful. A picture frame that I can put several pictures in of my kids and me.
After church picked up DS at firends and he was there helping them fix a door and it was H that told me Happy Birthday. I couldn't even look at him becuase I knew I would lose it.

Bugs I remember what you got for your birthday... will go check it out tinight on line or go tomorrow when kids are in school <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
Going to go out to lunch with my kids to a place where you get to ride the saddle on your birthday. Haven't ridden anything in a long time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> (get my mind out of the gutter)

Eve.... today is a trigger day for you also. Just a thought maybe today would be a day to offer the olive branch again to WH? Let him know the door is still open. I bet I'm older than your H though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Starting to feel better just getting it all out on line here. Will now enjoy this beautiful day with my kids.

Still

Will check in later

thanks for the idea still

i'll give it some thought