Was there that mant typos???

I better lay off the booze.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You know I never took typing in high school... I bet you couldn't tell.

LilSis. Silent

I know tomorrow I may feel differently.... actually I'm sure during this week I'll be up and down. I just want o get out of the down stage...it's really bringing me down <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I just don't think I can do this on my own anymore.

You guys are beautiful.... I wish we all lived closer ao we could get together.

Still

that is a great analogy Sis. I KNEW I was in love with my H and KNEW that I had never had the same attractiveness or connection with anyone else, ever before.

I will KNOW, as much as I can know, when it is time to make another Plan...

For the record, when you KNOW what you want, you can apply that to what you will accept of a WH wanting recovery. Realize that this person that you chose to marry and have children with WAS, generally, the right person for you, barring any abuse not contributed to being wayward or just selfish.

You can do it, still. See...if we can laugh and make a joke about typos and booze, then we are still ALIVE. We hug our kids, pick out prom dresses...we are ALIVE.

I know...up down up down up down. I've been prone to motion sickness my whole life. The first time I flew, I ralphed seven times, the first time all over my poor dad (I was 9). But I'm thinkin' there are more ups these days than there used to be....just thinkin'

And you are NOT NOT NOT doing this on your own.

Thanks LilSis,

I think I'm off to bed also...

CJ

I tried to e-mail you hope you got it.

Again.... all of you are wonderful people

Still

still--

If you're still up and reading, I did receive your email and will work on a reply. And I just wanted to re-iterate to all of you Killer Bees in Plan B that YOU decide when you are ready. Protect yourself and your heart, surround yourself with a support system (family, friends, co-workers, folks from church) and live your life detached from all the A drama. If you can get to that point, where your life is peaceful and you know you have done all you can do, then you will know when you are ready to do whatever you decide to do.

Some folks wait for a couple years in Plan B because mathematically the chances are that the A will have run it's course by then and they have peace waiting and have confidence that their WS has the ability to recover. Sometimes these folks reconcile their M and become an MB recovery success story.

Other folks get into Plan B--away from all the drama and abuse--and realize that they are no longer willing to live with crumbs and have learned how to have a better marriage and how to be a more mature, personally responsible person...and they are ready to move on and let go and recover as an individual. They learn and grow and mature and realize that there is something preventing their WS from ever returning--such as an untreated mental illness or addiction like alcoholism that they refuse to deal with. These folks too are a recovery success story because they recovered THEMSELVES.

BOTH instances are a recovery. In one instance the M is reconciled and the people recover, and in the other instance the M is no reconciled but the BS recovers.

((((still)))) See ya tomorrow!! Nighty night!



--CJ

LilSis,

I know I get the help I need here. I mean I can't make my M work alone (without a commitment from H) And for the last few years I have felt I was doing it all by myself. And then H would sabotage my efforts to give him reason why he hated me. He admiited this to me.

This is an up and down process... I wish I could just stop thinking about them. Didn't sleep well at all last night even took a sleeping pill at 1am and woke up at 5am.

CJ, thanks I wasn't sure you got the e-mail because at first it was bumped back to me.

I still would love my M to work out... I just donn't think WH has it in him to do teh hard work. Right now he is into instant gratification. And I think if I wait years I'll be closer to 50 (no offense to anyone who is 50 out there). I just think it makes it that much harder to start over.

What I'm going to try to do is move forward like it's over. Still hold out some hope, but not let that hope stop me from growing or moving forward without him.

Todays a rainy day... should of cleaned out my gardens yesterday instead of waiting for today. Oh well I have a few days off during the week.

Today I'll concentrate on housework amd bubble bath for later.

Still

Something else I've been mulling over.

Tomorrow is WH Bday. Talked about it with IC and she thought I should just mention it once to the kids. WH did bring up that he brought the kids to buy me a bday pesent last week and what a good parent he is. (part of the reason I broke plan B)

I di mention it to DD and DS and DD bought a card for him from them and she's going to dinner with Wh tonight. The card I don't find appropriate it has a butt on it (she always refers to him as a buthead when she gets angry at him) Before he left the house I would never allow her to talk about her D that way. Right now I feel she has a right to her feelings. Both DD and DS laughed about the card.

I'm feeling guilty... thinking about offering to have DS go out with them for his Bday. Although DS is working on a school project. And WH may want this to be a special time between him and DD. They don't get much of that. Also DS will be with tomorrow on his BDay.

See this is something I always helped with. This is really hard for me not to do anything, believe it or not I don't want to hurt his feelings. Even after everything he's done to me.

DD sensed I wasn't doing great this am... she bought flowers. I have great kids.

Still

Still:
You do have great kids. What a blessing.

I also dealt with WH's b-day two weeks ago. Like you, I used to bake a cake, do candles, the whole bit...WH didn't really care but I thought it was important to make that effort anyway, and demonstrate to the boys that b-days are important.

I'm sure RT made a fuss this year, and the boys had a gift...albeit unwrapped and still in the bag.

I am where you are today...mulling over everything, still all tangled up in it.

Maybe it's like a knot. You know how you work a knot...part of it gets untangled, other parts get more tangled, sometimes you have to re-tangle it to get it untangled....which you do, eventually, if you work hard enough.

I want to be dis-entangled because I want to be the best ME I can be...happy, smiling, self-assured. If H comes back, that would be wonderful, and I'd be in a stronger place to help both of us through the pain of recovery. If he doesn't come back, well, I'll be happy, smiling, and self-assured.

I also want to be dis-entangled because I HATE the drama of the A...even the THOUGHT of the drama of the A (which is all I have at this point as I am dark). I'm sick to death of thinking about it, about WH, about my future, the boys' future, feeling uncertain. If I am fully dis-entangled, I think that fear and uncertainty will lessen considerably.

That is my hope. I just have SUCH a hard time not thinking about it, when it's quiet, when I'm alone, when I'm in the shower or in the car or washing dishes. It just pops up like this unwanted dandelion.

Hang in there, Still. I think we'll get there, don't you?

You have said so eloquently what I try to say. I like the anology of the rope. and knot. That is exactly how I feel.

Yes LilSis I think about the A and infidels all the time... more times than not.
And I'm glad you posted about your H Bday because I remember you mentioning that. I still feel a little guilty that they didn't buy him anything...or I didn't take them out to buy anything. One more reason for him to be angry at me. But wait I won't have to listen.

I'm sure it will be documented though and get thrown in my face sooner or later.

And I know all of us will make it somehow...we have each other.

Got to let DD use computer for her biolab

Still

Still, your kids are old enough to handle his b-day themselves. He would LOVE for you to feel guilty about not getting him a present. Dark Plan B, remember?


Trying to get to sleep, when you wake up at 5 am and can't get back to sleep. This is the bit about keeping yourself busy. The more things you have going on, the fewer chances there are for the weeds to pop up.

SD,

Yes my kids are old enough to handle it. And I know it hurt him that they didn't make a big deal of it.

Maybe this will wake him up, DD didn'r even say Happy Birthday to him today. Not sure if DS did. They know and that's all I can do. Maybe he will start to understand how much he has hurt DD.

It's taken everything I have not to call him or send an e-card. But I'm not.

Still

I've thought about calling STBX tonight too but I haven't...

So, we're in the same boat tonight!

I think about my H every day of the week. I miss him. I understand. He doens't exist. I let that go. I grieve the loss as if he is dead, so that I can live each day to the fullest. My H's birthday is Dec 26th. It was not as bad as I thought it was going to be, but rough, none the less.

The day passes and the sun comes up and we breath in and out and get goin' with the next day, and soon, this day is but a whisper of a memory, and with every passing day, you heal further and become happier.

Beautifully spoken...

Rin, Silent

Thanks.... it's now the next day and no longer my WH birthday. I still feel badly about not wishing him a HB.

Rin.... I know what you mean about calling them. It's just the sound of his voice and I'm done.

And actually I'm doing okay in the sense that today I was thinking I finally accept what is happening. I don't like it but I accept it. It's in God's hands and I'm taking it one day at a time.

Still

You got it...just b/c we accept something doesn't mean we have to like it...

Fight to lose...surrender to win...

I think that God's got a better plan in store for you then the one that you have in mind!

LOL...Chew on that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Still,

Never feel guilty about see a WS in pain. That is a good sign. That way your real H has something to fight against in order to escape.

If the WS is hurt, good. He needs t/b.

Hug you children and let them know how much you love them and are proud of them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Rin,


I think I'm finally at acceptance. I'm letting go of things Ihave no control over. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.... my heart still twinges when I think of H.
I still pray that I would love my M to be saved... but if God has other plans for me I'm ready.

Orchid...yes hopefully the hurt will wake up H from being WH. I hope it is before he loses everything.
I feel sad I think more than guilt. I have come to realize I have nothing to feel guilty over. His actions are the source of his pain.

I let my children know all teh time that I love them. I always have. I never wnt them to question my love for them.

I have apoligised to both DD's about the last year. I was very short tmpered and swirling trying to find out what was happening. They both have accepted my apologies and now know why. Wh has yet to do that. But not my concern. It his job to save the relationship with his daughters not mine.

My kids have been my salvation... someday I hope I can pay them back for all they have given me.

Still

Can't really sleep.

I'm thinking about meeting again with my pastor... softball season is coming up. WH plays softball for our church in a church league.
Last fall when I met with pastor he mentioned one of the consequences of WH actions would be not being able to play. I said no don't do that. Well I'm going to let him know that I've been thinkng about it and if that's what he want I think WH needs to really feel the consequences.
Deep down I hope he's not allowed to play.

I guess tonight just having some triggers...at Mass they brought up SB season starting soon. It's funny how things like that pop in your head and wake you up in the middle of the night.

Still

Attorney's office just called... looks like we may have a court date at the end of this month. And if we do that means the marriage will be over.

I hate this...in some ways I want it to be over so I can begin again. And I am so afraid to let go.

Tears are rolling down my face... wonder if I should make one more offer to stop this

Still