Rin, Bugs

The last couple of day have been down... today has been okay. I was thinking do I really want this M. I was talking out loud to God on my way home... people driving must have thought I was crazy. Just telling God I'm putting thia in His hands.... I want my M but I also want to be loved and respected. Tearing up and asking for forgiveness for my wrong doings in my M.
Thinking do i take off rings and begin to put myself out there? Or make him think there could be someone else. I know games no good.

Got home and had letter from Attorney... I don't know about you guys my heart drops every time I get one... is it a bill or a court date.

Now I took this as a sign from God... WH's attorney needed to fly to the west coast. Her mom isn't doing well and was asking for a little more time on witnesses and all that stuff. My attorney told her sorry about your Mom and take all the time you need... he's going to be away until like the second week of May. In his letter too me he stated I didn't think you would mind because i know you want to slow things down. I'm taking this as good news.

I need some advice here... I have been seriously considering getting more info on line about MOW. Has anyone ever done this before?
Also trying to get courage up to call friend who previously let me know MOW was getting bored to see if she had heard anyhthing. I am so curious about when they are finding the time to be together. If they are still hot and heavy. Afraid that I will hear htey are and crash or hear that they aren't and get hopes up.

Still

hey still

based upon what's happened to me recently,

i haven't figured out yet if it's better to know

Eve,

I still struggling with what to do.... I curious about information on her. Also trying to get the courage to call my friend that may know if A still going strong.

Today has been good... really busy at work that last couple of days. Coming home exhausted. I just want to get out of my fog. I feel like I'm in lala land most of the time and my brians are shot. Thankfully I have a great and understanding boss.

I'm beginning to accept my new life.... and I don't want the old one back. Reading Chris thread about the good memories he has of his M... thinking good memories seem so far away. I have been struggling with infidelity the last 5 1/2 years and I'm tired of it.

I'm leaving it to God.

Still

Still, if there is even one teensy part of you that wants your M, build on that. Jennifer said to me, and WH, that if there is ONE thing to hold onto that you can see as a reason to rebuild your M, then hold on. Start from there and build upon it.

i would call the friend

still, did you ever read TVAR?

Still, I'm where you are. Wanting to know how things are going in AffairLand. Is it all bliss over at the Sippy Cup Institute, or is reality beginning to set in?

I think you need to know what you would do with the information. If it's going to hurt you to find out that they're still hot and heavy (and they probably are, and it will probably hurt you), then you're probably better off not knowing. Stay in your Plan B and protect whatever resolve you have left.

What would you do differently if you find out they aren't together? Your best chance of recovery is if he decides on his own to come back, so you probably need to let him hit bottom. I don't think you will get anywhere trying to reason with him if he's still fogged.

My guess is that you are better off not knowing. Assume they are still together and continue your Plan B, knowing that there is still reason to hope.

Still,

My sistah Killer Bee, I care about you, so please don't take what I am about to say as a 2x4. I do not think you understand the spirit of Plan B. The spirit of Plan B is to detach You (BS) from hurtful, spiteful fog-speak of the WS and the blow-by-blow drama of the A. The spirit of Plan B is to protect the little bit of a candle of love that you still have burning for your WS when he continues to BLOW!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Over and over, as I read your posts, I hear about what HE is doing and what HE said and who HE is with and where HE is going and why HE is angry and when HE came home and how HE plans to hurt you. And I am grabbing you by the virtual shoulders and saying, "Snap out of it, girl!!!" You are just as addicted to your WH as he is to the OW and to YOU!! Yes, I know that your enquiring mind wants to know when he is with her and how much he is spending on her...but still--please sweetie--for your own good and the good of your M--you have got to decide to enter REAL PLAN B.

Real Plan B involves YOU not calling him OR ACCEPTING HIS CALLS. Real Plan B means that you begin to disentangle your daily life from his daily life and you begin to no longer care where he is, how long, or with who. Real Plan B means that you live YOUR life in a way that is peaceful and fulfilling and happy FOR YOU...and you give him to God and let him choose how to live his life. See...you are still enmeshed with him, like two vines tangling around each other. What his A has done is like putting poison on the soil that the two of you are growing in. Now...he can choose to stay in the poison soil if that's what he picks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> but you need to start to untwist the vine of your life from HIS drama-ridden A life, or you will also be choosing to live in the poison soil.

Still--do not send your Plan B letter again until you have an intermediary in place. If you would like, just for you, I volunteer to be your intermediary. I guarantee you, NONE of his abuse, belligerence and demands will get through to you, as I will be your shield. While I stand in the gap to protect you, you will have the chance to CHANGE YOUR PHONE NUMBER, change your locks, and begin a life of peace--away from WH!! You will have the chance to learn what life without drama is like. The final decision is yours, but YOU HAVE TO WANT IT. I can not force you. Minute-by-minute...hour-by-hour...day-by-day...week-by-week you have to release your enmeshment with him and adamantly refuse to hear even gossip about him.

Soooo, dear sistah Killer Bee, what will you choose? The peace and healthy individuality of Plan B...or the continued drama, pain, and unhealthy enmeshment of "needing to know what he's up to"??? You need to DECIDE and then act accordingly with your whole heart!!!

I await your decision.

Your true and faithful friend,


CJ

Silent,

As you can see not sleeping again... instead of a call from teh hospital it was a call from mother nature. What I had for dinner doesn't like me.

There is a big teeny reason to still want my M. I still love the father of my children. I'm just very tired of infidelity and what it has done to me over the last few years. If adversity makes a better person...I should be somewhere at the top of the mountain, just don't want to fall off the cliff.

Eve, Fell asleep right after I posted so I didn't call the friend will do it later today.

Rin.. I have the book and read about half... my brain just can't really focus for long. It's sad because I'm a reader. Maybe I'll try looking at it again. I do try to read the daily inspiration in Letting Go, it's really similar to One Day at A time. And that helped. I think with TVAR I was afraid it was me and really scared me.

SD, It stinks to be at this point because I'm really curious. I did go by her house tonight on my way home from work (was on auto pilot) and her H truck was there.
This is how I want to deal with information and it may sound selfish...if they are still together well things haven't changed much. It'll hurt and I'll probably cry. If they are not together or things are going poorly I won't lie I would be very happy about that. I won't change anything in my plan...although I'll probablt have to really fight the urge to not call him. I'll come here for that. He does have to come back on his own. He needs to hit bottom...does he even have a bottom? It would give me some hope because she won't be meeting his needs anymore. That doesn't stop him from finding someone else though. I have thought about it alot and am still thinking about it.

Still

{{{{Still}}}}

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Thanks Orchid,

Just p for my morning call from DS.. then back to trry yto sleep. Have an 8:15 eye appt....wht do I make these early appts <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Appreciate the hugz

Still

Still- You're are getting some wonderful advice, I can only say that I think it would be wise for you to detach. The person that you are in love with is not the same person that you are dealing with today. I understand how hard it is to grieve that illusion.

May I suggest reading on crisis in your One Day At A Time book...

Your in my heart Still...let it go sweetie...Live and Let Live...do THIS for you...

I hear you about TVAR...I hear you!

Still,,

{{{HUGS}}} to you!

I understand the feeling of wanting to know what's going on. But, as has been pointed out, to what purpose or good would it do?

I encourage you to go back a page to CJ's post to you. Lots of good stuff there,,,,leave you mind open to really give it good consideration. It seems like sound advice to me.

Easy to do?? Heck no!!! That's the rub, isn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

With all of the advice, encouragement, and knowledge we gain from this forum, putting all of it into ACTION, getting it all to really settle into our hearts & minds, well that is no quite so easy to accomplish.

Are you getting new glasses,,, contacts,,, Lasik???

May I suggest some funky, Goddess Sunglasses?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

How come it's so hard for us to detach, yet it seems like it takes no effort on thier part.

I wish I coud get it through my thick head that he is no longer there. And there are moments I even feel that way. But the insecurity and BS fogg just whips right in.

You are in my heart to Rin ... I think of you and your boys often and hope God is keeping you safe.

Going to read about in crisis.

For todays date the passage in Letting Go was on Letting go of the need to Control.

Here's a quote

The rewards from detachment are great: serenity; a deep sense of peace; the ability to give and recieve love in self enhancing, energizing ways; and the freedom to find real solutions to our problems.
- Codependent No More

Still

Just wanted to add the rest of the passage it is so fitting for me today and maybe it can help someone else today.

Letting go of our need to control can set us and others free. It can set our Higher Power free to send the best to us.
If we weren't trying to control someone or something, what would we be doing differently?
What would we do that we're not letting ourselves do now? Where would we go? What would we say?
What decisions would we make?
What would we ask for? What boundries would be set? When would we say yes or no?
If we weren't trying to control whether a person liked us or his or her reactioon to us, what would we do differently? If we were'nt trying to control another persons behavoir, how would we think, feel, speak, and behave differently than we do now?
What haven't we been letting ourselves do while hoping that self deniel would influence a particular situation or person? Are there some things we've been doing that we'd stop?
How would we treat ourselves differently?
Would we let ourselves enjoy life more and feel better right now? Would we stop feeling so bad? Would we treat ourselves better?
If we weren't trying to control, what would we do differently? make a list, then do it.

The Language of Letting Go. Melody Beatty

Still

I'm going to amke my lsit today how about you?

Bugs,

You made me laugh. I must of missed CJ's post I'll go back and check it out.

No new glasses although I probably could get some. My eyesight has changed considerly... you wait after 45 everything seems to break down <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Going to try new contacts will get them in a few days. He did recommend something really new for asigmatism and multifocal contacts but would cost 4-500 a year. That's when I broke down and told hiim everything.

May go for some funky Goddes sun glasses.... later though as we are getting 3 days of rain. I was so hoping to help my daffodils (clear out the leaves covering them). But they came up and really bring it home that spring and life continue every day, minute and year.

Going shopping with DD (and maybe DS if he doesn;t try to wiggle out of it) Prom dress shopping....good thing I got paid yeasterday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Plus Penny's is having an awesome sale.

Still

CJ,

Missed you post completely last night and this morning. I'm glad Bugs mentioned it.

Right now I'm getting ready to run some errands before prom dress shopping.

I really like your analogy of entwined vines and the poison soil. I want to get out of the poison soil so I have a healthy life. And happy one. And as long as I care about what the infidels are doing I won't get there.

I will reread your post and really consider the intermediary part... or maybe just an e-mail because i feel you have so much insight into my situation.
CJ....don't give up on me...I'm an old dog trying to learn new tricks.

Still

Still,

I didn't read all of the posts today, but I do agree with what CJ has written.

Even if you found that your WH was no longer in his affair, the next question would be then why isn't he calling, why isn't he home. You will still have problems with the knowing.

Still, I have finally found a place of serinity, but it takes a decision on your part to stop the madness and detach. It's a decision, not a happenstance. I still ponder my H and where he is, but I don't know of WH, his actions, his choices. I only can speculate what that being is thinking, which is mostly good.

I'm learning to assume nothing, and trying to learn more quiet and patience. It's difficult dealing with the fallout with the children and the finances, and special occasions coming and going and etc. It adds to my frustration, but I get through faster and more calm. I still get sad, and will for some time, until there is some resolution. I'm attempting the hardest thing in my life right now. The negative of Plan B is it is TRUE LIMBO, sometimes for years. I am choosing to remain in Plan B in order to recover my family, my M.

I don't speculate what I will choose next month or next year. I don't know if my H will ever return, and I DO question if I will have the strength to continue to attempt recovery if he does; those are questions for when the time comes, not today...today, I'm still.

Detach, I'm detached...I could care less what happens to him...I love him but it's different...weird...I really don't know how to describe it...

I can remember the good times and the bad...and be okay with that...

Sometimes I feel hate for him...

I don't know, I don't know what to say!

CJ,

Would you give me your e-mail address... there are things I really need to ask. Losing love really quickly.

Don't even know if I want this M anymore...it just hurts too much and I'm so tired of being hurt by him. I'm tired of being his victim.

I think I'm ready to give up.

Still