Oh Still!

Wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze real tight - that is a big hug from me!

I decided that no matter what 'paperwork' comes along, it is only paper. It is NOT the reality of my M. My vows and commitment is before God and only He can say that it is 'over'.

I know how badly you are hurting and wish I could ease your pain

It is YOUR choice how to proceed. I encourage you to look out and take special care of yourself right now.

You are one VERY special lady. Do not forget that everyone here knows it, your kids know it and deep down inside where your H is, he know it too!

Am boarding the plane, but sending thoughts and prayers your way!

Bugs,

Thanks... why is it that the pain just keeps returning. I could really use a real hug but the cyber hug helps.

I don't want to give up on my M but I can't stop this stupid D.

Still

Still,

I'm back on the ground and just wanted to check on you.

It hurts because you care. Simple as that. It wouldn't hurt if you didn't.

No, you can't stop the divorce. So, what is your alternative? I had read previously that you felt you were getting close to letting go,,,,,,, despite the hurt you feel over this latest information, how can you get yourself back on track?

Have yourself a good cry. Let yourself hurt just for today.

Tomorrow morning, wake up and have a good talk with yourself in the mirror. Decide to do what you need to do FOR YOU. Make yourself, your life, your daughters your focus. You were getting there,,,get back on that track tomorrow. Remember the Goddess that dwells inside you!

Til then,,,, be sure to pamper yourself a little bit!

Bugs,

I really thought I was getting back on track.... I was letting go. It was the call from the attorneys office with dates at the end of the month for final hearings. My M could be over in 22 days.

I did have a good cry.... and slept awhile. Having lots of trouble sleeping again.

I did reach out to WH probably to early but I had to do it.

Just sent him an e-mail asking are you sure. This was his response.

It's not easy.....sometimes I think you think it is for me......it's
not. Thought I'd be with you forever, this hurts me too.

Got you lawyers witness list in the mail yesterday.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

THen I sent him another heart felt e-mail


M,

I'm not even sure if you're going to answer that last e-mail I sent to you at work. I'm not even sure you'll answer this one.

I always thought I would be with you forever also....and I still want to be with you forever. Even after everything that has happened I still love you.
i also really believe that we could work things out. It would be hard work, we would have to work through the hurt and pain we caused each other.
It can be done. Many marriages have survived infidelity and I think we could also.

I probably shouldn't admit this to you, I'm having a real hard time detaching and letting go. I believe with all my heart we are making a big mistake. I can't believe that breaking up our family is the right thing to do. I don't know if I'll ever think it is. This last week has been really hard. It was so hard not having you with me on my birthday. I cried all night the night before and the night of my birthday. I cried on your birthday I wanted so badly to call you and wish you happy birthday. I hate going through all these firsts without you. First are suppose to be happy.

What I would really love to do is stop divorce proceedings and try to be together again. Maybe go out and try dating again. See if we can get back those feelings we had. Do the things we use to do when we were dating. Have fun together. Be silly and just be together... forget everything for awhile. What would it hurt ? Look what we could gain from that. At first it may be awkward but I'm sure we could get through it. Leave certain subjects off the table for awhile. Get to know each other again. I miss you. I miss sleeping next to you. I miss my husband.

I don't believe our love has died.... I really think that love we shared is still there and can grow to something we can't even imagine right now. We have so much to try for. We have so much to lose if we don't. I believe enough for both of us right now. What do we really have to lose if we try again?

I hope you will consider what I'm asking..... I love you M and I mean that. You have been my rock and I can be yours also if you let me. We still have time.....

Love,
Di

PS. Attorneys do divorce.... I just want to do marriage.

I don't really expect an answer. Maybe one more thing to get me back on track and then again maybe not.

Still

Still...

This is so ugly. I am so sorry that you got that call. Just one more blow, when you are just trying to keep your feet underneath you and stay off the ropes. You are doing very well...you are still standing. WH cannot defeat you, still. You are a beloved child of God, and always will be. Your kids adore you. And we here at MB think you are pretty special, too. WH is the ONLY one...just one person...who is too blind and too addicted to see the truth of that.

I know a little of how it feels...I just went out to the mailbox and lo and behold is an envelope from my attorney. I HATE those d*mn envelopes!!! I cringe every time I open my mailbox and get instantly nauseated when I see that stupid cream-colored envelope. This one was only a cc of a letter to an appraiser who needs to appraise the house for settlement, but you just never know...and honestly ANYTHING related to D really, really stinks.

Let yourself cry it out, and don't put any pressure on yourself for feeling one thing or another. Just feel what you need to feel, and remember that the rollercoaster always goes back up. Maybe later today, maybe tomorrow...but it WILL go back up...you can be sure of that.

(((still)))

LilSis,

Do all attorney's use cream colored envelopes? Mine does too. I haven't gone to get mail yet... probably also have something else from attorney. I also get that sick feeling in the gut every time.

Wondering what WH was talking about witness list? I don't know what he's talking about. Maybe that's in my mailbox.

I am going to let myself feel today... I have too. Today I feel very sad and want the whole world to just stop for a day or two. I don't want to think about cheating, MOW, divorce, what all this is doing to my kids.

Still

Hmmm...no idea about witnesses... I haven't gotten there yet. Am I correct in understanding that WH's email referenced him getting your lawyer's witness list?

Who knows. Are you in a fault or no fault state? You'd think if the witnesses were either of you or the kids that WH would have mentioned that in particular.

Either way, you should be getting a cc of that letter in the mail, right? I always do... (d*amn cream colored envelope!)

Yes that was what he was referring to in his e-mail... witness list.

It's probably sitting in my mailbox. We are a fault state...I files irreconcilable differences because I was advised that filing adultry isn't look good upon the courts.

My fear is that the witnesses may be OW? I don't know. I had given names of the two OW that I knew of. Mabe it's the PI. Maybe I should just go get my mail.

Going to my DD softball game... I'll check the mail on my way out. Hope there isn't any d*mn cream colored envelopes.

Still

(((Still)))

still,

you and I are in the same boat..I know how you are feeling. Just wanted to send some hugs to ya!!!

(((((((still))))))

SDGuy and IHC,

Thanks for the hugs. It really helps. I'm just having alot of mixed feeling today. Didn't recieve an answer from WH don't really expect it. Although in the back of my mind I hope he does.

Don't you hate when people look at you like you're stupid because you still want to continue your marriage? I have someone tell me today that. Shame on you for the first A, shame on me if i allow it agiain. Or something to that effect.

Back to the dark. Tomorrow will be better, I just know it. God will get me through this... today was just a little blip on the screeen of life.

Just waiting for peace.

Still

Still,

It's a new day today! How are you?



Oh, yes, I know those looks of disbelief! I see them all of the time. As has been talked about so many times on so many threads, until someone has been IN this situation, there is NO WAY they can/should say what they would do or Judge you for your choices.

Don't you DARE take on any SHAME or BLAME!! It is NOT WRONG to want your Marriage! YOU know that it will be a NEW marriage, based on MB principals and an entire new life in which you blend the good of the old with the GREAT of the new.

Sometimes I just laugh and tell people, "I know it doesn't make sense to you, but I am doing what I have to do for MYSELF. I am sure you can respect that". I then move on and Remember what I should or should not discuss with that person in the future. Pick your conversations carefully with certain people so that they do not bring you down.

Have a GREAT day!

{{{{STILL}}}}

I AM SO ADMIRED TODAY BY THAT GROUP OF PEOPLE IRL WHO SHUDDERED AT THE THOUGHT OF ME WORKING ON RECONCILING WITH MY H!!

I drive by them smiling and waving with my DIVA SUNGLASSES... driving the DIVA CAR he bought for me!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Bugs and Mimi,

Today is a new day. I had my cry this morning. Back to the dark trying not to worry about no response from my e-mail. I have a gut feeling that it did affect him, I've learned to trust my gut now.

It's funny the woman who said that to me yesterday has gone through this. She is now happily remarried. Her XH doesn't have much to do with thier DD's.

I do tell people IRL that it may not sound sane, but I know that my H is in thier somewhere. My good friends tell me I need to do what right for me. Although I know they hate to see me hurt.

Still

still,

I hope you realize that for the most part, when people IRL tell you to "move on and forget about him" what they are really saying is that they hate to see you hurt. Past behavior is not always a predictor of future behavior, but they know that he has hurt you and the marriage in the past and they hate to see that kind of pain continue.

Now, regarding the end of the month. May I suggest that you just consider it a "redtape technicality." What I mean is that whilst it may be dissolved on paper, what's on paper and what's really happening rarely match much at all. Next month can be "Still Month" and just take the time to get yourself together. From my point of view, you will need to be healthy and healed whether you two get back together or not, so for now, concentrating on getting emotionally healthy and healing from the hurt is a good thing no matter what.

(((((Still)))))


--CJ

Still,

CJ has a wonderful, gentle way of guiding, and is right on the mark with the post above!

Thanks CJ and Bugs,

I know people IRL don't want to see me hurt anymore. Many have seem the last 5 years. And I know that if things do work out between WH and myself they will be there for both of us. Although WH nay get a talking too.

I like the idea of a me month... I'll make this month me month. Reading Chrisners post on all he has accomplished and I look around and think what have I done. Tonight I"m making a list of things I need to get done around the house. Haven't had the energy to do it these last couple of weeks. All though I have been working on letting go.... not completely there yet.

Tried to get cable switched to my name... sheet I need WH permission then they charge me 33 dollars to type in my name. What a racket. I just said keep it in his name then. And walked out and cried.

Think this is how it's going to go with everything.

CJ, I like the red tape thing... I really can't see us getting anywhere near the point where a judge could decide. I'll find out more on Monday the attorney's will be talking to a judge.

CJ... when you thought you were done with XH did you continue to go back and forth with your feelings? One minute I'm why do I want someone who treated me badly these past few years. And then I remeber how it was before all this affair crap.

Still

Still, I don't have much to add, except a huge hug (((((STILL)))))

I know that my friends and family hate to see me hurting, and are genuinely happy that I have detached from the chaos and stopped trying to control or help my WH see his way. They would really prefer to see me move on completely, but they understand that I am doing this for me as well as my son and H.

I don't know how you feel right now, but unless I file for the D, it will not be what I want at the time. Your letter states that you do M and the lawyers do D, and that you still want to recover. You have done all that you can. Take care of yourself, still.

Silent,

What my hope is is that the letter is being thought about. I know I have done all I could. At times I still think what else could I of done?

I have to acccept that I have done everything I could. Now I'm going to plan A me... plan B the WH.

Tomorrow I will force myself to go outside and clean up my planting areas. And also run some errands.

It really heps to know that we have each other to support us. To know there is someone else going through the same things.

Still

Heck, I HATE to seee both of you hurting I want to kick BOTH WHS in the A....OOPS!

LOL...I haven't had much to say but I'm around! Checking MY SISA'ts out!

((())))

To both of you!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />