No offense to CJ..but letting you know that you can talk to US ALL..can get more HELP that way...

Mimi,

I didn't mean to offend anyone. Honest.

I think my LB is busted. I'm so tired of being hurt. I am not even sure I want to recover my M anymore. Actually I don't want to recover the M I had. And I was afraid that goes against all the principles of MB. I want a better M than the one I had the last 5 years. I am at the point I don't want someone who obviously doesn't want me. Does that make any sense?

I want someone who want to be with me, doesn't put work and everyone else ahead of me.

Still

Still,

Your feelings are quite normal and you are NOT going against MB principals for feeling this way. I also reached a give up point but knew I had done my best. It was after I reached that point that the Xws decided to give it a real try.

Since I had entered a new phase of 'non-feeling' (see I now was the one who lost the love), the Xws had to work doubly hard to win me back. I can tell you that it is a scar I will carry for life and H knows it. It hurts him at times because I am not the same bubbly person who jumps in and does all for all..... and I learned I shouldn't do that because appreciation is not quality for those who are spoiled. It is a waste of my time and energy so I learn t/b selective on how I spend my time and energy.

If you need to talk, let me know... I got free minutes on the weekends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Here's my e-mail: **edit** I can send you my phone#.

take care,
L.

Orchid,

I may take you up on that. I need to finish doing dishes and may try to go to church tonight.

What is the time difference... I'm on the East Coast.

Still

PS I'll e-mail you my e-mail

Still,

U got mail!!!

Time Diff: c/b 6 hours? Not sure. It is 9:46am right now.

Aloha,
L.

Orchid yes it's 6 hours.

Still

Still...

I'm around tonight, too. Kidless. I'll check in again...if you need a line tonight I'm available. I was thinking of going to mass tonight, too, but I'll go in the AM.

Just so you know...I feel like I've done a pretty good Plan B. The whole contact with MIL sort of threw me, but I have not seen or spoken or TMd or VMd or anything since March 3. I do feel like I've let him go in terms of not trying to control him.

BUT

I still feel emeshed. I keep wishing the old H would walk through the door. I still wish that none of this had ever happened, that I had done this or not done that or any number of ridiculous scenarios that COULD have happened and none of this would be true. It is such a waste of energy...I know.

I am as addicted as he is. I'm not letting him know that now, since I'm in Plan B (for real, now that I understand that my contact with MIL was un-doing my Plan B).

But I still think about it almost all the time that I am NOT busy doing something that requires all of my concentration or when I am with a group of people. I am doing those things much more, and seeking those opportunities...but IT is always there, like a cloud that follows me around. How hurt I am, how could he to this to me, to his boys, what is he thinking about how this will effect them, how betrayed I am, could I ever forgive him, how much responsibility I have now...

So I hear you.

I wish I knew how to untangle the vine.

my brain keeps telling me he is so far gone that i'm dead to him and his family

he's never coming back to me


but my heart doesn't get it.....

i still FEEL like he's my husband

i still FEEL married to him

i still expect him to walk through the door and smile with that twinkle in his eye that was just for me

HOW do you stop loving someone who has erased you when you can't find a way to erase them from your heart?

Still,

If you would like to email me, my addy is in my signature...but just in case you don't see it, it's [email]cindy_cj_wolfe@hotmail.com.[/email] I live on the West Coast, so it's 3 hours ahead of you; however, I am the consummate night owl and regularly stay up until 2am my time--so really you can write me any time.

Now...regarding disentangling, how about if I do a general post about that so that ALL of the Killer Bees (and those about to go into Plan B) can benefit from it? Look for a post!! "How to disentangle from all that enmeshment." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(((((still)))))

Your true and faithful friend,


CJ

Still, that is where I am now, too. I guess I'm still focused on recovery of my M, so I want to be wanted by my H; no crumbs, all or nothing. I want to be wanted, not some secondary option.

I keep coming across movies and songs with this sentiment at the center. I WANT TO BE WANTED. That's healthy. That's where I used to be inside. I'm back again. I think it's a good sign, as it keeps my boundaries strong.

eav, you said it perfectly, that is EXACTLY how I feel right now and for some time now. My heart doesn't get it. Maybe, when all is said and done, that will be a good thing.

Hey Guys,

I think I finally had my aha moment. There is nothing more I would want than for my M to work out but I just realised I can't and won't do it alone. Silent it happened last night reading Lemons thread.... and I think you can realate to me here....my H is a serial cheater.

I don't think I want to put my self in a position anymore where I could be crushed again. I begn to think will I ever trust him again? What if he's 5 minutes late? I don't want to have a relationship like that any longer.

The thing that I think I would have the most trouble getting over... he didn't have sex with the first A but he had sex with this one. I don't know if I can get over that. I'm being honest here. I may be very old fashion and prudish but my H was my one and only. And I felt that was something that was always special/ And this isn't against anyone who had partners before (it just woekrd out that way for us). If I were to have a new relationship that would be different... I don't expect someone in thier 40's to have never had sex...but that would of been before me. not during me.

I had 2 glasses of wine so it may seem like I'm babbling. PS Orchid that why I'd like to tlak to you tomorrow because after a glass of wine I'll probablt tell you I love you.

By the way I love all you guys.

Still

ps edited for spelling.

Still, now you can focus on your boundaries. You don't have to drop the idea of recovery, but you do need to put boundaries in place for any and all relationships.

Also, you have to look at your preferences. My personal one right now is I want to be wanted. I don't want to be a choice, I want to be THE choice.

My WH has now had 2 PA's. I don't think, personally, that any type of A is worse than the other, especially if it causes the same net effect, loss of a spouse and family torn asunder. PA's leave more to the imagination, I agree.

as for the wine, I am having a glass of Chardonnay and eating, of all things, jelly beans. I dunno, I saw them and felt like having some...

Yay, Still!

That's a great a-ha moment to have. I agree...I'm totally with SL on this. It's all or nothing. If he can't come back ready to do the hard work, then it's not going to work.

I have my moments of feeling sorry for myself (okay, more than moments) but in my heart I know that I deserve no less. I really do know this...if it came right down to it, and WH walked up to my door and he wasn't completely ready to turn himself over to God, and to me, then I would have to close the door.

I've wondered if I would be strong enough to do it, and in my heart I know I would be. I have found out that I am a survivor...I can do WAAAAY more...I can withstand A LOT more...than I ever thought I could.

Meggy's prayer...please God bring Still, SL and eav's WHs to their knees. Mine, too, please and thank you. Amen.

Hugs to all my Bee sistahs.

Hey still...lay off the booze woman because you edited for spelling and missed a bunch of typos! tee hee hee...

I'm just jealous because I have no wine, and worse, no one to share it with.

I'm eating Cheerios. A nearly perfect food. Got me through hang-overs in college, morning sickness when I was pregnant, and now infidelity.

my mom says God hears our prayers and maybe He is keeping our husbands from coming home so that they can't hurt us even more

is it possible to hurt even more than I do now?

Silent, LilSis.

Jelly beans... I think I can find some of those some where. What a great thing to have with wine.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

The only way I would consider WH right now is he would have to come home very remorseful and ready to do the work. (on his knees)

Maybe it's just tonight but I think I'm ready for someone else. I'm ready to be loved like I deserve. And my WH wasn't up to the task. I won't be second, third or last. (wine talking)

I am just so tired of this man hurting me.... I don't think I could go thorugh this again with him. And I think I would always be wondering. And that's no way to have a good relationship.

It may also be that I wa talking last night to someone who knows H and me...we did Heritage tours and project gard together. He works for a local furniture place now and I saw him last night. He asked how H was...he didn't know. I told him. He said to me I would never put someone else before my girls. They are my priority... and it just hit me that I don't think H ever felt that way. At least he never behaved that way.

Still

eav, I don't think it's possible, unless my real H showed up and attempted to kill me, nothing hurts more, NOTHING.

I'm not a churchgoing Christian, but I do believe in faith in a higher power, so princessmeggy's story rang in my mind when she spoke of prayers to God to Break HER WH.

I liken it to when I was in Basic Training; the Drill Sargeant's break you down to your bottom and then rebuild you. It was a spiritual experience for me, one that will never be forgotten. I have first hand knowledge that it can be done, and I have faith that MY life will get back on track. I HOPE that my H walks along with me again someday.

Still, your WH never behaved that way before partly because his behavior was allowed and partly because he was not in a place to recognize his faults, his destructive behavior. He may be someday, you never know what our hearts and souls can do to us and can teach us.

I understand why you would be finished. I do. Until you KNOW, do nothing...and go find some jellybeans...

Still...

It's a good feeling, isn't it? So good. I wish it would stay...but I get it more often now and it lasts longer. (ohhh, weird...do I sound like a WS???)

I mean that feeling of certainty...that I deserve better, that I can have better, that the unknown is exciting, not scary! That I'm smart, competent, beautiful, and loving.

Soak it up, still!! And enjoy those little ego boosts that you get when you are affirmed/validated by someone unexpectedly...(works for me, anyway)

That said...I agree with SL (the wise woman/Wise Counsel) that you do what you have to do until you KNOW to do otherwise.

Remember when you met your H? I KNEW. The light-bulb moment. Oh! THIS is what everyone says when they say "you'll know!" Because I sure thought I loved my boyfriend in HS, and that I loved my boyfriend in college...but until I met H, I didn't really KNOW.

I guess it will end the same way...KNOWING that I did ALL I could. I'm not done yet. I still need to work through the whole journey.