still,

Yeah, my feelings for my exH were all over the place too. Some days I still loved him and missed him...other days I was so mad, I would have shot him on site! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Over time I began to realize that it wasn't really HIM and how he behaved that I missed, but rather the illusion of what I thought I had. Back in those days I was fairly firmly in illusion-land. Rather than dealing with and accepting the truth of reality, which was that he was abusive and selfish, I kept seeing what I HOPED he would become or what I WISHED he was. Does that make any sense? And THAT was what I really missed...the illusion. It took me a long time of let go of illusions and wishing and embrace reality.

Soooooo...did ya clean up your planting area today?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



--CJ

CJ, I think you are a very wise lady. Let me once again express my gratitude for how you have taken the Killer Bees under your wing.

(((Still)))

CJ,

I think that's what I'm doing. Still hoping that it's not the illusion but the man I'm wishing for. He still makes my heart jump and tingle. Had to break plan B today. I needed transportation and no one else around to help. Believe me he was the last one I wanted to call. If I didn't call it would of meant several hours at the garage.

On the way for him to bring me home I told him I really didn't want to bother him and I wouldn't of called him unless it was absolutely neccesary. He said thanks that really makes me feel good.
I asked if he opened and read my e-mail... he told me he read it a few times and was planning on responding.
Asked me how worl was going and such.
When I got out of the car I told him I meant every word I said.
He told me I know you did.

Don't know what to make of it. I almost didn't want to come on and admit that I did that. I feel okay about it. He acted like a human being. Not the alien.

Yes I did get most of the planting area leaf free. But the d*mn wind kept blowing them back in. It's goign to take alot of work. Neglected them last year with everything going on. Will do more on Monday as I'm working the weekend.

sdguy,

Isn't she amazing. I read your thread today but didn't feel I had much to offer. I really do understand what you're going through. The only difference is my kids don't mention how they miss dad.

Still

No worries. This is how I feel on a lot of threads. And it's how my IC sessions are--nine times out of ten I know what she's going to say and what I need to do.

I'll let someone else 2x4 you for slipping out of your Plan B. I'm not the right person to do it today.

Thanks sdguy,

I know I deserve 2 X 4's. I have wishful thinking about him reading the e-mail a couple of times.

Although I know I'll be crushed if it's not what I want to hear. So I'm preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

I can't even read my own gut right now. It twisted in a knot.

Need to feed my DD we just got back from her ballgame... home made beef stew. One of her favorites...DS hates it. So I try to make it when he's with his D.
(((sdguy)))
Still

Had minimal contact with WH... DS hurt his pinky a week and half ago. This weekend with WH noticed it was still very swollen, Got a call at work that he was with DS in ER... heart sank. Then told me they were xraying hisfinger.
Ends up he has a fracture. We both feel bad that we didn't have it looked at sooner but DS rarely complained.

Then just saw him at a fundraising dinner for DD softball team. Didn't talk to him. He looked good from what little I saw. But I made sure Iw as looking good also.

Me I worked all weekend and it was very slow so lots of time to think and dwell. Still hoping for the response I want to hear from my e-mail. And kind of figuring I'm not going to get one. Obviously it's not a priority.

Have the next couple of days off... lots of housework and yard work I need to attend to. Just feeling overwhelmed with having to do everything. Kids are busy with school and sports.

Still

Hey Still!

Been thinking about you.

I know it's hard not to feel overwhelmed, but try to turn that into some major ENERGY. YOU can do anything you set your mind to.

If you can focus your mind and energy on just ONE thing in that overwhelming list,,,,even for an hour at a time, it will help to generate more energy.

I know every time I am able to put WH out of my mind and really focus on ANYTHING else, it helps. Especially when I accomplish something. With each accomplisment, I feel a little more energy, a little more power for myself.

That is what I use then as my reserves to move on to the next thing.

You can do it! Hope your weather is nice and you can get some fresh air & sunshine in your day today!

{{{{STILL}}}}

Bugs,

Just having a hard time focusing today... my mind is all on this crap. I miss my H, I'm lonely.

I need my H and want to call him so badly... and tell him I need him. I'm so tired of doing this.

Still

{{{{Still}}}}

Sweetie, I know!

As I see it, you have 2 choices for today.

1. Take today "off" and just crawl into bed for a total down day. Cry when you feel like crying and give in to letting all of that emotion out of you with the PROMISE to yourself that tomorrow is your return to Empowered Still.

2. Be the Empowered Still today. Right now, force yourself to move out of the negative mode and get yourself moving in a positive way.

It's your choice, and either one is OK as long as you know you have to pull yourself up by your bootstraps soon.

The only thing that you can NOT do, is give in to that urge to call the WH. He's the WH and you are in Plan B!

He gets no fix from Still any more! He does not yet deserve one.

Hang in there. Be Srong. You can do this! I know you can. God knows you can, and he's there with His hand on you to help!

Bugs,

What i really want to do is crawl back into bed and cry some more. Haven't cried like this in a long time.

I finally showered and got dressed and need to run some errands. I'm pulling myself up by the bootstraps. Will have to wear goddess glassses because my eyes are all puffy.

And tongiht if I feel like it I will let myself fall apart after the kids are in bed.
And promise myself that tomorrow is a new day.

Does this sound convincing to anyone? Really trying to convince myself.

Still

Still,

I BELIEVE in you!! Maybe the Goddess glasses will help give you a boost!

You know, it's really ok to let yourself have a BIG cry every sometimes. I did yesterday, myself. In fact, I've done it several times recently and found that just getting it out helps. Holding it in builds up to some big time hurt and that is when I start to lose myself.

So, for today! Goddess glasses in place. Errands accomplished. Get thru the day, kids into bed.

Comfy PJ's on, most cozy blanket and pillows in place, kleenex at the ready. Go for it! Get some good sleep.

Tomorrow is a new day. A day of Empowerment for Still!

A day to set some goals and make some plans!

CHECK IN HERE and let us know how you are doing.

Thinking of you & sending you hugs and prayers.

Bugs,

Got some things accomplished... watched my DD pitch a great game. Her dad didn't make it.

A friend called who is going through the same thing and we went to the park and she just let me cry to her. I just need to get these emotions out. She had a lot of insight and I was able to say what I truley felt and knew she would understand.

Like at times when I'm really lonely I think whats the matter with taking crumbs. Dumb things like that. Like I just want him to come home...regardless. Just stupid thoughts that I nned to get out of my head
This mornig was really bad ... I cried that I just wanted to die....so tired of hurting. PLeading with God to bring my H back. Not very attractive only God saw my pain. WH has no idea about it.

Tomorrow is going to be a new day (hopefully).

Still

DON'T DO IT! You don't need him. Somewhere you fell off the wagon when you sent that email. Forget about that. If he hasn't already replied, then you don't want to hear what he has to say.

Dark Plan B. Remember how you were feeling better? How you felt stronger?

It will get better. There are ups and downs, but you're doing really well so far. Don't give up.

(((Still)))

Still,

I'm so sorry I have been away from your thread. It sounds like this has been a bad weekend for you. Speaking with your WH, being in his presence has brought you back to wondering. I'm so sorry that he has not answered your email. I had many days and nights like that. It was almost as if WH was doing it on purpose, not responding quickly.

I can speculate now that he was trying to figure out WHAT to say, combined with trying to avoid the pain and guilt.

I urge you to attempt to quiet things down again. I know that you have had enough pain, but contact with him, his lost soul, causes more pain, because what you yearn for is not going to happen, NOT UNTIL HE BOTTOMS OUT--ALONE.

You really have been doing well. I know, inside, you feel like your scaffolding is crumbling right now. YOu just need some time to shore yourself up. Try to remind yourself of WHY you are doing Plan B. Try to SEE the sitch, not just LOOK at it. Your WH is down in a hole, digging away, you must leave him to do that and let go. TRULY LET GO.

If your car breaks down, unless life or death is involved, don't call him; it's a convenient excuse to contact him. Call a cab if you must. This sucks I know, I do. You sound particularly depressed right now. Have you been taking meds, have you checked in with the doc?

((((Still)))). I'm so sorry for the pain you feel right now.

Look Still, I completely understand how you are feeling...Lord knows I feel the same way sometimes...today has been a difficult day...

My plate is full...that's why I haven't been posting much to anyone...I mean how can you lift someone up when you're all wishy washy inside...

Sweetie, "I" feel your pain, I understand where you are coming from...but just like me you would not be happy accepting crumbs...

I agree with SDguy, Dark Plan B...today's one of those days where I'm having trouble focusing on me...on what I'm doing RIGHT now...I want to throw myself into where I should be...

I should be in the house, I should be this, I should be that...thing is "WE" are all right WHERE we need to be...

I really relate to where you are coming from...I feel that loneliness...thinking if I do this then we can get back together and we'll be happy...

Thing is that "our" expectation of something that probably won't happen...WHY?...because we are NOT in control of them...they are so charming and manipulating that we believe that they will do what they say they will...

But it's on the suface thay they agree...what kind of relationship is that...what kind of Marriage has that got us? A really bad one in my case, one in which our kids don't ask about their father, one in which they ask for their toys than him, one in which I was so miserable I was willing to do anything to make things better...

THAT MY DEAR is not a life...a life is laughing and playing with your S, sharing the work whether it's housework, yardwork, parenting, decisions on money, etc...trweating each other with mutaul respect...

A marriage is one where you both respect yourself enough not to treat the OP like [email]cr@p...[/email]

Grieving the illusion is okay...creating another fantasy world is not...and if you're not careful and if I'm not careful we will fall into that trap...

Getting stuck is not an option, Still...you deserve better...

Can you or do you have enough self-respect to continue your dark PLan B? As bad of a day as I have had I can say that I had enough self-respect not to call STBX and curse his tail under the tail...I earned myself the title of a "Classy Lady today."

As least in my book, becuase my STBX doesn't control how I react to him anymore...I can get upset, and not comtinue with my past behavior...I am breaking the cycle...I am not getting down to his level and playing on his field...

Your choice! Accept a day and end it with pride and class or be the person that your WH walked away from to begin with...

Because that's what happen...you and I gave away SO MUCH of ourselves and became the person that they wanted us to be and then they decided that they didn't like the person that they helped create...hence, the A...to repeat the process ALL over again...

Is it our fault? NO, we were trying to be the best wife and mother that we could at the time...we loved and loved with all of our heart...There's no crime in that...

THAT'S being all we could be...I can't regret who I became and you shouldn't either...we are caring individual...tender-hearted...

I see what my STBX doesn't see and it's a shame...we could have made a great team, if he would have made some better choices...I may not like those choices...but I can accept them...

So, right now, I'm in my cocoon, growing, changing, waiting to emmerge and spread my wings...show the world my brillant colors and coast on a gentle breeze...it's it time that we treat ourselves with the same compassion that we showed our STBX...

Instead of giving our love to people who don't appreciate it, let's give it to ourselves...

We can help each other refocus!

sdguy, silent, rin, bugs

The past few days were really bad and I just let my emotions take me away. I know it had to do with the e-mail and seeing him Friday. Just reinforces that right now I can't see him. I just fall apart. In order to get stronger I need to stay away from him. It hurts because with all my heart I know if we both worked on it we could have a great marriage and relationship. At one time a long time ago we were a great team. Not sure when that started to fall apart.

Today I feel like I have a much clearer view of everything. It still hurts but I can't continue to dwell in the pain. I try to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it isn't there yet. Keep telling myself that it may just be right around the next corner.

Yesterday I prayed to God to help me let go and not keep taking it back from Him. And I think my WH is controling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I have to concentrate on healing. As CJ said regardless what happens I need to be strong. Recovery is harder than this... jeesh how will I handle that if I don't get stronger.

I just can't wait for the pain to go away... and I know it will (it did after the first A)

The sun is shining and I need to learn how to do the yard stuff WH used to do.... anyone know how to mow the lawn with a rider? Sad isn't it.

Still

Rin, what a wonderful post . You really nailed it. You must let go of him Still. He will have to WANT you. Do not speak to him until such a time occurs, and you WILL know it. Your gut will work properly and you will KNOW.

I'm sure there are instructions for how to run a riding mower online. I could describe it to you, but it will take a long time, and it depends on what type of mower you have.

Still, you can do anything that you choose to and set your mind to. You are a strong woman.

Morning, Still!

Rin and SL are right on the mark.

You do sound better and I think are getting back on the right track.

A riding mower is not that difficult. Walk over to your closest neigbor and ASK for a few minutes of their time. Have them (he or she) come over and help you.

Do you remember the movie/play Annie Get Your Gun?

The Song - Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better?

That is your assignment for today. Mentally determine yourself that anything the WH used to do, YOU can do better!

Silent, Bugs,

Thanks on the info about riding lawn mower. Still to early to get it out. I will need to learn how to do it though. My lawn is still wet and full of sticks and such. Plan for today is to rake front and back lawn.

I'm going to borrow friends truck and bring lawn mower in to get a new battery. WH use to have to jump start it with truck and try to stay on seat so it wouldn't stall. To me that means it needs a new battery <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Or maybe I just can buy a new battery. Also need to check the other lawn mower to see if that still functioning.

I will feel good today about what I can accomplish without WH... thanks guys
I like anything he can do I can do better.

Still

Good Morning, thanks for the compliment...just what I've learned from my experience...LOL...MOF, I'll have to go back and read it again...

Still, there may even be instruction on the lawn mower itself...when i was having to cut the grass at my Sd's there was...

I also like Bugs suggestion! Hence, SL's for that matter!

LOL...you KNOW women are better at most things then guys, right? I'm serious...do you know that prisons would rather put women in their rifle towers because we're a better shot and pay better attention?

I'm not trying to say men are inferior...I'm talking facts!