Hey Still,

Glad you talked with your priest, too. Any support you can get is a good thing. Speaking with someone you trust, face to face, is a good thing.

I don't have any advice to convey right now. Just wanted to catch up with you.

Hang in there.

Hey Bugs,

Thanks for checking in.... yes talking to my priest helped. I did send an e-mail as follows



M,

I understand you feel communicating via e-mail is cold, the last phone
conversation we had you said that we could talk when I felt ready.
I feel ready to talk, although I would feel safer if we did it with a
third party present. I feel this would help control any escalations of
feelings and prevent us from saying things we may be sorry for after.

We could do this with a councilor or someone in the parish. If we go
the parish route it would not cost anything. This would have nothing to
do with legal proceedings that are pending. This is more for personal
recovery.

D.

His response
D,

When have I ever given you the feeling of being unsafe. And I'm not
angry, just hurt. Everything has been said to be sorry about and
wouldn't be of great surprise anymore right? Sometimes....I wish I knew
why you say things you do at times.

me

So my take it means no. I'll let our pastor know and let the chips fall where they lie.

He doesn't respect any of my requests... he continues to call pretending it has something to do with the kids.

I am so readyfor plan FU rught now. I know I will calm down some.

I shouldn't of e-mailed him that, I was taking my pastors advice.

Bugs... this seems so senseless compared to what you have been through the last couple of days.

Still

still,

I think your WH is just trying to set up the typical scenario so he can be "in control" again. If you speak to him via email, you have proof of what he has or has not said. If you speak to him with a third party present, you have a witness of what was or was not said. But if he can get you alone...then he can say anything he wants--provoke you in any way he wants--etc. so that he can manipulate the situation and get you all upset and freaked out...and thhen say, "See how crazy she is? That's why I need out of this M." It's just a tactic so he can have Power Over you. Furthermore, he can blame...avoid personal responsibility..etc. if he meets with you alone, but if someone else is present such as your priest--then he'd be accountable for his decisions and he can't have that!!!

Don't stress, sweetie. He has two choices: communicate via email or with a third party present. He is free to choose either one. What he's NOT free to do is to get you alone so he can manipulate you, and THAT'S what he's not happy about. Now you get right back on your Dark Plan B horse (see sdguy's thread) and you ride into the sunset.

((((((((((still))))))))))



--CJ

CJ,

I was so hoping you would look at that. I cried so hard when I reads his response.

Does it look to you also it is still about his hurt etc... and placing blame on me for being irrational. That's how I took it.

You're absolutely right about his wanting to be in control of the situation and able to push my buttons. I won't let him this time.

I'm beginnig to wonder if this is still fogg or if this is who he really is right now.

I'll check out sdguys thread.

Still

We all ask this one, honey. It's a toughie, I know.

(((still)))

LS,

Can't wait for things to get a little easier. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

It seems so long since I didn't have a care in the world.... and the infidels can go on thier merry way.

DD told me tonight momma it is so much more peaceful and loving here now. Except when we're pmsing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And you know what she is so right.

Still

{{{Still}}}

Thanks sdguy or should I call you guy smiley?

I appreciate it...

Still

still,

It has been my experience that there are three kinds of WS's:
1) those who see their way out of the fog right away and are repentant and help their BS's heal;
2) those whose A's die and don't see their way out of the fog right away, but with a patient BS, begin to see their way out and then are consumed by guilt about how they acted; and
3) those who just go deeper and deeper and deeper into the fog until finally they believe their fog.

I am not a psychiatrist, but I suspect for most of those WS's in class 3, that there is some kind of personality disorder or mental illness involved. My point being that sometimes there is no way to predict at 20-something that a person is going to enter a MLC at age 40-something and have a complete breakdown of their personality until it is diagnosable mental illness...ya know?

Frankly, after hangin' out here at MB for seven years, the WS's that I've seen in class 3 are the ones who were abusive, self-centered,or very prideful to begin with...and often it is just virtually IMPOSSIBLE for them to admit, to themselves or to someone else, that they made a mistake. Thus, due to their stubborn refusal to stop the sin that they KNOW is wrong, they stiffen their necks, get into it deeper, and somehow start to believe their own lies.

Now, you can not control which kind of WS your WH is going to be...but you CAN control yourself and the environment your kids are in. So while your WH is away, I have a suggestion for something for you to DO!! (You like to DO, right? You're a little DO-er like LilSis, right?) I suggest that you and your kids have a ceremony that dedicates your HOME to peace, to love, and to serving God. As long as you (and your kids) stay on THAT path (peace, love, serving God) then you will be doing the right thing no matter what WH chooses to do. Dedicate your home to be a place of peaceful sanctuary. Dedicate your home to loving acts. And dedicate your home to serving God in whatever way HE wills.

(((((still)))))



--CJ

CJ,

You have a way with words. As I reading about the 3 types of WS

I know WH isn't the first type...he wasn't like that after the first affair.

I would like to believe that maybe he could be the 2nd type. Actually I pray to God that he becomes that type ( this is in God's Hands)

My heart sinks because I think he may be the third type. He is very prideful and self centered. Doesn't really ever apoligise. He wasn't always like that though.

And I'm glad you mentioned about hard to know who would have a MLC when we are in our 20's. Because at times I wonder about that. Could I have been that wrong?

We are beginning to make this our home... there is so much peace and love here. I wish at times WH could see what life could be like if he stuck it out.
And we will continue to honor God with the love we have to share between us and our friends and family. We may not have the cleanest house around but we love and laugh. Thank-you for reminding me for the things I have to be so thankful to God for.

Still

Being a WS in category 3, is no guarantee they are hopeless. All the more reason NOT to categorize the Ws. Too many variables involved.

Still a well equipped BS who gives it their best will know when to move forward when they (the BS) is ready. If their WS is still a WS at the time, then plan B to D is in order. If there is a shift of uncertainty, often plan B is executed.

JMHO,
L.

HI Orchid,

I hope your right. I'm getting out of God's way so God can do his work on WH.

Tonight was my DS final concert at JH. WH must of arrived ther before I did.
At least he made this one, I'm happy for my son. I walked in and could tell he was looking fo me. He was kind of shocked that I didn't go sit with him. I think some things are beginning to sink in.

At the end of the concert I didn't go see him and he didn't come see me. Good. I can tell people were wondering.

Glad that's over.

Still

Still,

Good job on not giving WH the time of day!

How are you feeling? Proud of yourself, I hope.

Good Job! I'm proud of you!

Fear turned inside out is courage! All those fears that you have spoke of, in due time...POW! Courage, just out of the blue! You'll be WOWING yourself!

I answer to either.

Great job at the concert. The more times you're able to do that, the better your Plan B will work.

(((Still)))

I can't say it felt absoulutely wonderful not to be near him . I would be lying. If the circumstances were different I would of love to sit next to him.

I'm just glad I didn't have a clear view of him at the concert. I think that helped me.

Alot of my strength came from some of the e-mails that we had to exchange yesterday. I can see he is still in the blaming mode. Had to do with DS playing hockey.

The one that burned my arss...

DS was suppose to have track meet before his concert. Well it was raining all day so I called the school to see if it was canceled. DD mentined she was going to the town WH works in and see if he would give her some money for something for prom. I mentioned since she was calling her dad to let him know she was oicking him up so DS could get ready for concert.

This is his e-mail

D just called.
I guess you told her that she was to pick up B tonight? Hadn't heard about the meet or changes in the plan to pick him up.

My response


It’s raining the meet was canceled. I called the school to find out the meet was still on and was told it was canceled. I asked D to pick up B at R's so he would have time to get ready and knew she was calling you and ask her to let you know.

He did e-mail back Sorry. Which really surprised me.

What burns me is it's now his job to find out for himself if things are scheduled. He doesn't want me but still wants me to play rhe role of wife in this sense. I'm sorry I'm not playing wife unless I get all the benifits of being his wife.

I really think he thinks we are going to be one big happy family. The friendly divorce....NOT. Not under these circumstances.

Just ranting this morning he gets me sometimes. Look he even pushes my buttons just by e-mail.

Now I'm dreading that he might show up at DS doctors appt. He may be getting his cast off. You know he has to play father of the year. I mean why take off time from work when I have today off??? I will let him know what the doctor says.

Off on a tangent... DS plays bass guitar and they gave gag gifts to the 8th graders. He got clapping hands... music teacher mentioned how he's playing better with 2 fingers than he was with 5. I thought that was cute.

Off my rant.

I still feel better about myself. I can do this. I want to do it with H but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. Working on me so that if he does see the light I'm a stronger better and more loving person.

Still

Check WH's email, you have your son's name in it!

It will get better, speaking from experience...I understand how you feel about wanting to be close but doing it anyway.

Rin,

Thanks for the heads up on DS name in e-mail. I missed that one completely. Thought I got them all.

Now I have a question... WH showed up at DS appt. how do you handle that in plan B without making a big scene?

I think I handled it very well... the one time I did make eye contact when he first got there I saw the darkness of his soul. The eyes that I have seen all last year. I prayed to God please get me through this without loosing it.

Any suggestions on a way to handle this in the future?

How are you suppose to be... I was torn do I try to plan A a little or just keep my composure like he is a virtual stranger who just happens to be next to me. The funny thing is usually with a stranger I usually make small talk. I hope I did the right thing treated him like he was a stranger that just happened to be there. No small talk.

Now I need not to dwell if he thought I looked good or did it just make him gald he is no longer with me because I won't cooperate with his fantasy.

I really need some answers.

Still

Exactly! You are right on. This is no longer about him as much as he thinks it is. You have executed your plans and become a better ,more improved version of what I am sure was already a good wife and mother. This is all about you now. If he gets it then YOU can decide whether you would have him back or not. AND, no you are not required to cooperate with his fantasy. Is he cooperating with yours for a wonderful marriage, intact family, etc. It appears not.

hap,

Thanks for the response. No he hasn't played into my fantasy of a great marriage and family life at least for a couple of years. He was away in his own fantasy while I was struggling.

I wasn't perfect mom or wife...I have improved immensely though. ANd you are right I'm in this for the long haul (*self improvement).

It's in Gods hands if WH decides to work on himself.

Still