I just wanted to take a minute to say that I'm sorry for everything. I have a lot of work to do on myself, I know, and I want you to know that I'm trying to figure out the most effective ways to communicate with DS in this trying time and find some help (and perhaps some meds) for myself. I realize that telling DS that I'm a jerk (true or not) was not a smart thing to do...I was doing a lot of thinking-out-loud that day with him and that was something that he picked up on. I know sorry isn't enough, but you deserve at least that. --PWC

I want my family back. It's taken me some time (too long, I know) to make this move, but you already know that I have regretted leaving from day one and it's taken me some time to do what it takes to be able to say the things I've been wanting to say. I'm just putting incohesive thoughts down now, but I promise to get to a point eventually. I won't make any excuses or justifications for my behavior because my actions are inexcusable. I know that MB thinks it doesn't matter what the reason for reconciliation is, be it financial or otherwise, but it matters to me. I'm not insinuating that MB is wrong, but I believe that my reasons for the attempt have to be far greater given my offenses. Yes it's true that I want my house back and that I am struggling financially, but the life, the family is what I want--it's what keeps me going. I am continuing to be selfish, but this is a good selfish.
Initially, I put much of the blame on you for my unhappiness and you acknowledged your role in my waywardness. I sought someone else to meet the needs that I felt were neglected in our relationship--initially. But, once you were willing to take responsibility for your role and make an effort to modify those behaviors, you were exhonerated of any possible responsibility, leaving me bearing the weight of my own poor decisions. Perhaps it was easier to blame you and DS than to admit that I had problems, but I was still of the belief that I didn't have any emotional issues--that nothing in my past had any impact on my emotional state whatsoever. I was wrong. All of my emotional influences in my life as a youngster were such that emotions weren't spoken of out loud--there's nothing wrong, even if there was. My mother was really the only person that I ever saw emotional, but she always seemed a bit over-emotive, almost unstable, then she allowed those things to morph into alcoholism. And then there's my brother, wayward alcoholic, or perhaps alcoholic wayward. 2 out of 3 siblings with an alcohol problem--a little ironic considering they came from parents who never showed much of an interest in the drinks. Anyway, with a proven history of alcoholism, I have to observe my own habits closely and question how much my embibements are recreational versus behavioral--I realize that--but that's enough psycho-babble for now. Back to us. I'm proud of you for realizing your true value. I know it's easy to allow your self-worth to go down the toilet in this sitch, but you have nurtured your esteem and fortified your value regardless of the influence of my rejection. That's something that I admire and want for myself. I admit to my depression, my weakness. This is going to be hard, I know, and it continually amazes me that you still keep an 'ember' for us, when most would've said '****** OFF' by now, as I'm sure most of your friends/family have already stated. I'm sure a large part of that is your passion to keep it together for DS best interests, but I also know that you have kept close the memories of what used to be with us. I have to thank [insert higher power here] for DS, or perhaps DS is the higher power. DS is the thread in our patchwork quilt of a life.
Well, I guess I am getting ahead of myself. This is assuming at this point that you'll give me a chance to try again. No more false recoveries. I think of where we would be now if I had stayed and it kills me. It kills me to witness the effect it's having on DS...I can only imagine what that's been like for you. I don't get enough time with him. I don't want to miss out on his life and what could be for us. I want a chance to make it right because I don't want this fate for us. Because I don't want to get divorced. Because I love you. Because I love my family. Can we talk? Yours,PWC

On my way to work this morning I just cired to God saying I guess my path is the divorce as I hadn't heard anything fom WH. I told God that I was okay with this although it's not what I had hoped for as an outcome.

I e-mailed WH and asked if this was true. He e-mailed me back that he has alot of thinking to do, this deosn't mean we will be getting back together and that this past weekend was rough. (he's living with a single guy friend) That he needed a little space and we would talk soon.