Still,

Unless something is engulfed in flames or something has fallen on you, or your daughters or son, don't email your WH, don't call him. Let him come to you. He stopped the D, so let HIM tell you why, let HIM lead.

Believe me, I love to lead, but when PWC first emailed on May 5th, he sent a TM to ask me to read it, so I decided that I would, as this was new for WH, and I had a feeling it was important. After I read, and we made initial contact, I've let him do most of the calling, especially initially. I felt better not burdoning myself with trying to extract info from PWC in MY time.

What is the rush? Steve H will still be there tomorrow and the next day, and the next day.

Silent,

I think what I'm most afraid of at this point is that he will change his mind and continue with the divorce.

That maybe he is thnking what the he!! was he thinking to postpone the court date.

You are right I need to let him come to me.... this is really hard because I feel since this affects me I have a right to know.... doesn'e make much sense.

Looking it over it doesn't make any sense. Although he did tell me that he does owe me an explantaion.

So the waiting continues.... you would think I would be goos at this by now.

Still (B still)

BE 'STILL'

If Wh changes his mind about anything, then he changes his mind.

You have no control over that. Control what you can, and that is YOU.

It is HARD, HARD, HARD, but you can do it!

{Still}

Bugs,

I just want the chance to talk with him.....

Still

Still, waiting is always difficult. Don't sell yourself short on this bit.

I hope you are taking care of you during all of this craziness. Please let us know how you are doing when you can.

I don't kow what is the matter with me the last couple of days.... I've been pretty down.

I know it's just a blip in the rollercoaster ride. I rhink some of it is the time of year... this month was when I first fond out about the text messaging and such. And 4th of July he was so cold to me and the whole time during the fireworks I kept thinking is this the last 4th we will spend as a family....and that night when we arrived home is when he told me he wanted a divorce. And denied there was anyone else.

I really just want resolution...at times I really feel like this is it. And the ripping out of all my insides happen again.

Need to get back to praying for him to break.

In a day or 2 I know I'll be alright.

Still

Still,

Here's my {{{MB Hug 2 U}}} <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Still

The waiting seems to be the hardest, doesn't it?

Of course you want resolution. That is certainly to be expected.

Wish I had some great words of widsom, but patience is all I can suggest.

You have come so far. You made it to this point when you did not think you would

Try to keep busy during this big trigger time. Do some new and unusal things.

I gotta run but just wanted u to know I am thinking about u

What is it about independence day that makes the infidels so whacky?

Two years ago, the OW#1 was at my house (she was PWC's supervisor, go figure) for our Fourth of July party; hangin' out with me, talking about wanting kids someday soon, about her thinking my son is just adorable. I decided that I wanted to sit on my son's swing set and swing a bit, while the party was going on, she came and joined me; thinking back on it now, I have no idea why--maybe to assuage her guilt by finding out that I am a terrible shrew and it was okay to boink my husband. I dunno.

The whole night is now perfectly burned on my memory; fast forward to one year later, the party went off without a hitch, and within a week, I was asking PWC to leave again. I can see why this time of the year is rough for your, as it is a HUGE trigger of it's own.

I used to love the holiday, l-l-l-l-l-ove it, NOW, I just want the party to go by. I just want the holiday to pass. I know that I will enjoy some part of it, surely.

Believe me Still, this is the worst of it. The waiting, that is. I prefer for someone to rip the bandage off, not to slowly peel it off of my skin.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling really low, I start to jump up and down or play with my son or do something completely silly; you will at least giggle when done correctly.

Wow - had no idea how many WS went off the deep in around the 4th!

SL,,,,am on on the do something 'silly' bandwagon!

I always suggest putting on your favorite cd and dancing around the house!

If you are alone,,,do it in the buff! Hehe! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes this is a trigger time... I think the whole summer will be.

It's just going to be dates of when things happened.... doing my best to get through it.

It will be different watching the fire works this year... it was one of my favorite things to do with him. Just looking up in the sky with the fireworks going off right above us. Then coming home and watching the boston pops on TV and the fireworks down in Boston.

We have a street dance the night before in our church parking lot that's going to be different also. Will she have the b***s to show up there? I want so badly to confront her... although I know that won't do anything. He!! I don;t even know if they are still together. I just assume they are.

Maybe tonight when all the kids are in bed I'll dance around in my birthday suit <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />, that might make me feel better. Just imagine getting naked for no one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Still

I think, as the fireworks are exploding this year, I will let that signify the release of some of my triggers. I will attach one to a firework, and as it sails into the air, that will be the release, and as it explodes, that will be the relief. Some triggers may come back next year, but the ones that I really let go of will explode overhead with a mighty BOOM and a shower of sparks!!!

I say if you're going to let go, go BIG!

Silent,

That is a great idea... maybe by then I'll be ready to let everything go. I was there one time and I know I will get back there.

At our fireworks where we go to watch it's in our local park... and they have patriotic music playing over the loud speakers while the fire works are going on... in my best times I would get tearful. I'm a sucker for all that patriotic stuff.... even before I was pretty emotional. I wear my heart on my sleeve I guess.

It's going to be hard just knowing he's in the crowd somewhere.

Still

Well only one more day left of my terrible year. A year ago tomorrow WH told me he wanted a divorce.

I remember saying to him that it feels like this will be the last fireworks we go to together. He told me to get used to it. Just some of the cruel things that were said to me last summer, while he was slithering on the ground with the ho. Now this year he can spend the holiday with his new family.

Found out this morning he is still seeing her... I guess my gut feelings were way off. I had really thought he wasn't seeing her anymore.

Although last night he did tell me he would think about talking to SH...although I'm not holding my breath. I now have done everything I could do and then some. It is now completely in God's hands. He knows I still love him and want to do the hard work of recovery. That's all I can do.

Haven't got back the stillness yet but know it will be back. Maybe after all the stupids anniversaries are done.

Still

Hey, still.

The anniversaries are really, really hard, aren't they? Maybe it's best just to not expect anything of yourself and just go through the day on autopilot. At least it will be over.

Can you imagine that those fireworks are OW's head? or that she's been duct-taped to one of those rocket things going up, and the sound isn't the rocket, but her, yelling, "EEEEEEEK!!" only to explode into a million pieces, and blow away like smoke. Take that, skank. Enjoy the ride.

Maybe there's a way to get a laugh out of it....?

Yes I think I'll just let myself feel the pain for the next couple of days. And begin to look forward to next year.

I think I will picture OW on the fireworks... but her skankiness might make the fireworks be a dud.... you know the ones that don't explode. I'm a little nervous that I might see her at some of our towns festivities. Unless she's going out of town with Wh who needs some time alone.

Still

Still- I am SO , SO sorry to hear about your pain of finding out about continued contact. You just deserve so much more than that! I feel for you so much as I went thru very similar experiences to yours- remember how similar our overall situations are? I was in a deposition 2 wks ago where my attorney was questioning my H under oath about details of his 2 affairs and I was shocked to find out he had signed the apt. lease with his current OW clear back in Nov. BEFORE I even found out about his second affair. What a shock! And that he had spent marital money on 'work related' trips that turned out to be hotel rendezvous for the two of them. All while he refused to let me buy a plane ticket for my parents 50th wedding anniversary last summer as he said it cost too much. I am so relieved I will be getting away from his repeated lying to me after this legal/custody battle. Honestly I think sometimes that he believes his own lies. But whatever. I am rebuilding my life from scratch and trying to be a great mom to our 3 kids.I am discovering my own self for the very first time after 21 yrs of him deciding things. Take care Still.

LIM,

Thanks for the response. Yes I'm very discouraged about continued contact. It's funny WH is spending today with his parents and I have our kids. And the Ho is with her H. Isn't that something. Hopefully today will be painfully lonley for WH.... and make him realize all that he is throwing away.

From the TM he sent me today he is very angry and I think he is hurting... and I think that is great. Soon I hope he hits rock bottom. It's sad but I still love the man. Although I'm not sure if we'll be married for long.

Still

Well another trigger day has passed.... it wasn't easy but life in general isn't easy. Did I think about Wh several times in the last few days . Yes I did.... past memories are hard to forget.

I think it was also hard for WH... not enough for him to stop what he is doing and lying about it. Maybe that time will come... I can't keep worrying about it.

Now this is no offense meant for people who didn't save thier M... because very soon I may be part of that club. But it has taken me awhile to realise just because this D may go through does not mean I am damaged goods. And I felt for a very long time that is how I would be looked at... I had no control over Wh and his actions. And I can't take responsibility for his choices. These are choices he made and unfortunately my kids and I have to live with. But the ownness is on him.... and maybe someday he will realise that. the way it looks now it may be too late.

Will I feel differently tomorrow ... probably.

I still love the man he was....but I'm so scared that man is no longer there. And I know I can no longer try to save him.

Just rambling... all I know that he is losing the best thing that ever happened to him... he will be hard pressed to find someone that was willing to stand behind him like I was. It is his loss.

Like I said just rambling here.

Still

Hang in there. It isn't fun, but I promise you that things DO get better again - even if you end up divorced. And the odds are still in your favor. Most husbands return to their wives - hopefully you will still want him.