Trying to get motivated to start packing for our annual family vacation. This week coming is the week we always go camping with 5 other families. My family won't be whole next week.

One positive is that I'll get to see my DD next week, she's coming home the day before her 20th birthday.

I guess I'm hoping and praying that this next week really affects WH. Will he think about us and what we're doing?

Still

Got back today from our annual camping trip. I made it through had fun and did miss WH.... got to see him when we went to pick up DD from the airport. She had missed her flight into Logan and I lost connextion with her and WH handed me his cell phone and i opened it up and there was her name from a recent call. Another stab in the heart.
He also came up for an hour or 2 for DD 20th b-day was really looking out of place with all our friends.

The next day DD's layed into me about wanting him back.... how he was abusive and if I took him back they were going to live elsewhere. The ultimatum them or him. Pretty emotional conversation. Of course it's them. I did explain to them that I stilled loved thier dad and if he came back remorseful that it would be revisited.

Tonight WH got brunt of DD20's wrath.... and he tried to blame me for the way they feel. DD said WH we hate you for who you are and not who mom says you are. She doesn't talk bad about you. He just kept trying to blame me and saying the divorce has nothing to do with the affair. And he stormed off.

I told both DD's that someday they may feel differently then they do today about their dad. That he was a good man or I wouldn't of married him and had children with him. I also told them I'm sad that it has come to this.

DD also told him he left all of us not just mom for a ******. She was pretty angry.

Lots was said and I have to get my thoughts straight... I really think it's over he looked at me with so much hatred.

Still

Don't give up, still. It isn't over until you BOTH give up.

He may want to hate you right now because he can't hate himself. It HAS to be your fault because it CAN'T be his. He knows better. Your DDs know better. And YOU know better.

Fog, just plain fog.



Today, maybe. But feelings are in a constant state of change. I'm reading Mimi's Plan B thread. Take a look at it...it's amazing how far her and her H have come.

I've seen that look of utter hatred from my WH, not too many months ago. A couple of days ago, I asked him to talk...there was no hesitation and no question why, he immediately agreed.

It isn't over until you BOTH give up.

Fox

Thanks Wild,

I haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's thread. I'll need to catch up on yours.

I am almost out of hope. I have to take into consideration my kids feelings. I did tell them that if he becomes remorseful I will reevaluate.

He has done so much damage.... and he is no where near wanting to fix this.

Still

Better bring a cool drink. Mine got a little heated last week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



Call out to the vets. As you might know, weekends are quiet. I saw Orchid around earlier, though.

Do something for you...get refocused. Really. I know this is hard, the thoughts just go round and round. But try. Your own mental and physical health is important.



I've rolled this around in my head, too. How much consideration should I give the kids feelings? Obviously, some, they are affected also. But remember, they are still kids. Even the 20 year old. They have not been married, they have not had the same experience as a spouse.

Take them into consideration, but if/when the times comes, make the decision for YOU.

One day all of those kids will be out of the house and onto their own R.

They're angry and they have every right to be. It can be worked through...and should be whether your H comes back or not. Not necessarily right this moment, but when the time is appropriate.



Typical wayward spouse. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Wild,

That is very helpful.... I think I have finally really let go. I am ready for whatever happens.

I am going to try to refocus over the next couple of days... I am feeling pretty good and at peace again. Just a very emotional evening.

I'll have to catch up on your thread in the morning because I think I'm going to go to bed early.

Still

HI, I wanted to stop by...Check in...I see that WH is still being WH...and DD's are pissed...more consequences of his actions...

So, Sad! You sound pretty good despite everything...Keep up the good work!

Still, you know that you deserve better right? I'm just asking out of cae and concern...still on your side sweetie! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

{{Still}}

Just saying HI! Sorry things are so rough for you!

Thanks Rin and Bugs,

Pro's I really need help. I wish someone will jump in and help me set a direction that I need to go in.

Right now I'm back to wanting to call him.... feel like i'm not doing anything right. Like what plan I should be in.

I'm ready for 2 x 4's !!!

Still

Hi Still,

When I used to feel that way, I used to post here. It made me see how much I stood to lose if I gave in and allowed a WS back in my life and our home. When I reached out and emphasized MB principles, it helped me reinforce them.

Your grieving of this loss is part of the stages you are going through. Read my link about the stages of grieving again.

It appears your mind and heart are not in sync on a permanent basis yet. It will be, soon.

Please be patient. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hugz,
L.

Why does it seem that at times my head and heart are in sync... and then my heart wins out the battle again.

I'm truely trying to understand why I even want to take another chance to be hurt again. I mean he still isn't showing any remorse. Not even to our children.

I've read Cat's thread and I see myself there also. Knowing any time that will be me. I know her feelings because I'm feeling them every day. I don't want to be divorced yet I have no choice in this matter.

I will continue to post my feelings... I just wish I knew what I should be doing now?

I will reread the thread on the grieving process. Thank-you.

Still

Hi still,

Sorry you're having a tough weekend... but you know what.. its perfectly normal to feel that way. Even now, as much as I tell myself and everyone else I've moved on (and I have), I still get sad sometimes when I happen to open up a folder of old photos of me and soon to be ex-WS together pre-A -we were so happy together, so in love -how did it all end so quickly?

Then I think about all the crap that went down, and yes, that look of hatred she gave me, and the venom in her voice when she told me how much she hated me. Sheesh... I should be the one telling her that, but yet, I was on the receiving end... FOG, I tell you, its all fog.

Your WH is blaming you simply because a WS cannot and will not take responsibility for the A. You know that, I know that. So keep your chin up, your kids are on your side at least, ya? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Still,

Dev explained it well. Here's the deal.... once you know HOW to put your mind and heart in sync (you know by the feeling and frame of mind it leaves in you.....), then when the urge comes to pull you apart again and put you into the fog, instead of stepping on that rollercoaster, you learn to RB back.

Why? Because your goal is now you and your family. You make your choice NOT to accept the WS blame or be in their fog. You choose NOT to allow yourself to get sucked into that A arena.

You are almost there. When you get there the WS' lifeline will be greatly shortened. You may not see it immediately but he will. He may want to ask you 'why did you do this to him'.... or other babble.... you need to practice your replies. They c/b like:

WS: Why did you do this to me? Why are not you there to continue to take my abuse, anger and frustration?

BS: Why? Hm.... because I choose NOT to be a part of your A. My real H would NOT have wanted this to happen to his family but since you have attempted to take over his mind and heart then our family sees you are NOT the husband and father we deserve. We care for our H and father but not you.

Ws: What? You don't love me anymore?

BS: Would you?

WS: Guess not. ok..... bye.

(it's ok to let them have the last word. It can ring in their ears longer). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hey Dev,

Thanks for checking on me. I think of you often. I guess it the look of hatred they have for us. And you are right we should be the ones that have that.

Orchid.... I think I'm sort of in a better place right now. I look at him and my most overwhelming feeling is pity. Pity that he has lost his DD's for a ****** and he keeps spweing the babble to them. They all went for breakfast this morning and I guess it was pretty bad. DD's called him on the carpet about choosing his wh**re over his own daughters. And he just said they should be happy that he is happy. I don't want his kind of happiness, it's at the expense of his family.

At DS hockey game this morning he couldn't even look me in the eyes. I just saw him real quick when I went to say hello and hug his parents.

So right now I think I'm numb, and have the pity for him. Does this mean my love for him is gone?

Still

Still,

Do you remember me posting on other threads that I used to go 15 minutes when I had the urge to call WH? I would say, "I'm going to wait 15 minutes. I can make it 15 minutes. I won't call for 15 minutes and then I'll see how I feel." And in 15 minutes I would do it again!

I personally think you should renew your Plan B. Your WH is still, CLEARLY, very wayward, and I think his attitude and blame are harmful to you. See, there are a few waywards who "get it" and realize that they made a mistake and take personal responsibility...but they are fairly few and far between. Many, MANY more waywards will blame others, project...and do pretty much ANYTHING to avoid having to take personal responsibility for their choices. Yes, it's true that how *I* behave may have some "sway" on the choices my DH makes, but it doesn't "MAKE" him choose to have an affair!! So what a wayward will do is pick anyone who's around, who will take it, and blame all the ills in their life on that person. Thus...it's not the WS and their crazy life decisions...it's the BS!!

That's why I think renewing Plan B is for you. He's clearly not coming around right now, and part of the reason for that is because he can still blame you rather than having to look in the mirror. If you go dark and silent, who is he left with if his life continues to go badly? Now, just to warn you, there are SOME WS's who chose to NEVER look at themselves...but usually many/most WS's get to a point (often a couple years from when the A started) and they say to themselves,"My life is a WRECK and I can't even blame it on BS because they haven't been in my life for a year! What gives?" and then they START to look at themselves.

In a Plan B, still, you can grow in grace and beauty. There is no reason whatsoever that you couldn't blossom and bloom into a loving, gentle, kind, generous woman of surpassing beauty. Then, when/if WH has his "what gives" moment, you will not be poisoned by his lifechoices but be a beacon of all that is decent in the world. And if WH never has that "what gives" moment, you will still be a STUNNING person!

Sooooo...go 15 minutes. Come on here when you're tempted. And be the goddess you are inside. (((((still))))))

Your faithful friend,



CJ

CJ,

I think we were posting at the same time. I think it is time for plan B again. Not sure if I should give him the same letter or a new one. I don't want much contact with him because it does hurt. I hurt more for my kids than i do for myself.

I haven't called him... or I would rip him a new one. He is so much in a fogg. I will use the 15 minute idea.

Could you comment on the feeling of pity.... does it mean my love is gone?

Thanks

Still

Personally, I think not. I think you still feel some love for him, and here's why I think that.

Who is someone you do not love? The man at the post office or the garbage man, let's say. Now, if you happen to hear that he's living a life in squalor with a ****** of a woman, you might think, "Man that's too bad for him!" and feel a little bad for him, but then you carry on with your day mostly apathetic about that man's plight. (This is just an example.)

But if you sort of CARE about someone, you would feel something for them. You'd feel their anguish a little at choosing to live in filth. You'd feel how it must hurt them to be with a shrew. You'd feel that they must have hurt a lot of people. You'd feel for his kids...or maybe the family he "used to have."

I personally think the opposite of love is not hate...it's apathy. "I don't care." If you hate someone, you actually care enough about then to want them to hurt like you have hurt!! That's probably not the most virtuous attitude, but it's the truth. You CARE. If you really had no love for them, you'd say, "Huh?? So what?" and keep on walking.

See what I mean?

I think pity is an extension of your grieving. I know I used to feel some pity for my exH. I mean, we owned our own successful business, had a 4000sqft house with a pool, two new vehicles, and very little debt! For all intents and purposes from the outside looking in, we had it all! And he chose to give it up and refused to work on himself so he could have the "freedom" to live in a long-term motel and have a prostitute or cybersex any time he wanted. That's PITIFUL!! But I think really I was grieving...and a big part of it was that I was grieving that I would choose a person of such low moral character! What did I think of myself to choose to involve myself and have children with a person who would leave us all high and dry for cybersex?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yeah, I pitied him, but I was about 99% upset with myself and grieving what I had done to myself and my kids.

Your faithful friend,



CJ

Hi Still- I'm glad you updated us to let us know how you are doing. I know exactly how upsetting it is when the the WS won't show remorse and projects the blame. Mine is still doing this 7 mo. into the divorce and custody/ dispute process- I was trying to discuss 10 yr old son's upcoming Scout camp wk today and WS really started blaming me for the fact that son has frequent nightmares- he refused to accept the advice son's therapist gave and also blamed me for dragging out the divorce. All this blame while he continues to live with his married OW whose H is now divorcing her. So much blame and anger that he throws back at me. I have learned just to tell him, "This conversation is not useful." and hang up. Sad and I wish it didn't have to be that way. Take care!

CJ,

I feel like I'll always have some love for my H (WH). I mean he was in my life since I was a teenager. And someday I hope my love for him doesn't hurt my heart.

What hurts my heart is that I don't think he has any love for me. Not even a little. Actually at times I don't think he feels at all. How sad.

I have been praticing the 15 minute intervals because I wanted to text him that our DD's made it to the concert that they were traveling to. It's been over an hour.

CJ did you ever have contact with the OW? I been composing a letter in my head and on paper that I would like to give her. Actually mail her. Maybe I'll just post it here. Maybe make a new thread for lettters to OW.

Still

Instead of writing a letter to the OW, why not do something useful like cleaning your toilets? The OW doesn't care about you or your family. That much is obvious. She has no shame or morals or she wouldn't be in the situation she is. So what would be the point of contacting her?