Broken,

There must be a way. Can you take a 'well day' or a 'mental health' day....or use your sick leave? Your marriage is at stake so the prep time to do your lesson plans in advance so you can minimize stress would be worth it.

If my H's OW can be an award winning primary teacher and carry on her EA with him during school hours (phone & email), you certainly could use a leave day to contact OWH. In fact, I could call her "Liarincali"....hope she's not in your school but wouldn't that be ironic. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

I was an elementary school teacher for 15 years so I know how limited your free moments are. But like I said, there must be a way.

Your marriage deserves this chance.

Ace

try eblaster over on www.spectorpro.com if you can't program Norton to ignore Pandora. Norton does not pick it up and it will email you daily reports so you don't have to get on his computer again.



BIC, good thinking. I hope you can work this out strategically where you let the OWH know just before or just after so they cannot forewarn each other.

I would call their house in the evening and try to get him on the phone. Disguise your # with *67 so the OW doesn't see it and see if the OWH answers. Even if the OW answers, you could just ask for him and then when he gets on the phone, tell him.

Ace,
Did we miss your major milestone you were going to share.

gsh,

Thanks for asking but I can't share it yet (when you read it, you'll know why). Have you read my MR. ROMANCE Saga in the Romance Forum below these Infidelity forums?

If/when you do, please post a response ....that's where Chapter 6 will go. You'll see why this is a MAJOR milestone if it happens.

How are you, gsh? Gonna look up your thread next.

Brokenincali.....what's happening? Thanks for your commitment to your students. Special place in my heart for teachers since I was one for so many years....still am, actually, just in a different venue.

Ace

Well I tried to reload Pandora. Unfortunatly, WH works in aerospace, and does do work from home, so he has a bunch of spyware, firewall and other protection devices on the family computer. This technically might be a problem for his employer if there was spyware on our computer. I will just have to look at other ways to monitor his computer use. I have set up phoney accounts on the two dating websites (no I have not posted any pictures), so I can at least check and see if he has been on those recently. I can also check his history on the internet to see where he has been.

Ace...

since I am classified as a long-term sub, I have not sick days. If I take a day, my pay rate drops significantly for the rest of the time. Yes this is my marriage, but there are some career things I need to consider, especially if this goes south and I have to support myself. I just found out that OW is out of town this weekend (taking her kids to the beach). I am not sure if her husband went with - I think not. So I may have a chance to contact him. I may try to email him before I leave for work.

Otherwise, I am just trying to plan my words for tonight.

Glad you may have found a way to expose, broken. Yeah, my H was a LT sub under the same conditions. I know it's hard and I hope I didn't sound to harsh in saying that there must be a way. Keep us posted

Ace

praying for your strength

Pep

Ace,
Yes I read it and yes I do believe dreams can come true, but they do take hard work and committment on both parts.
I am stumbling along, still can't get to the OP's H. I have a phone number now, but there is never anyone there when I can call. I am hoping it is the right phone number. I don't want to leave a message and the voice on the machine doesn't say whose home it is, just says you have reached and the number...I am planning on trying this weekend again.

gsh...don't want to threadjack Broken's thread so I posted on yours this morning.

How's it going, Broken? btw, what abbreviation do you prefer....BIC? Broken? BRKN?

Ace

UPDATE

I told him what I knew last night. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. He did not deny it, and replied that it ends now. We talked for quite a while, then together we went on the computer and we sent an NC email to OW telling her that he wants to work on his marriage and that this relationship is over.
No more emails, no phone calls, no contact. (I checked - she has read this, we asked for a read receipt)

He does not want to loose me or our family. He has lived in fear of me finding out, and has no excuses for what he has done. Yes he will go to counseling. Yes he knows I have no reason to believe him. Yes he knows that this will take both of us and time to bring our relationship back. He knows how hard this was/is on me.

He has deleted all videos and pictures of her and others from the computer (while I watched). He will remove the camera today and unsubscribe from the websites. I have requested proof of this.

He knows that if he does not follow through and / or I find out he is not being honest that I will expose his activities to the H of the OW, and/or his parents. (I gave my copies of the emails to one friend I have confided in).

At the end, just before we went to bed (after midnight), we just held each other and cried. He told me he loved me, and he did not understand how I could still love him. Neither of us slept well.

This is not over. It is just beginning of a long road back. But, at least we will be traveling this road together. I am sure there will be plenty of ruts in this road. But if he is sincere, which at this time I think he is, I think we will come out on the other side with a stronger marriage.

Now on to Plan A and recovery.

Excellent, BIC. There are many here on MB who would have given up assorted body parts if their WS's had reacted as yours has.

Now...get yourself and your WH into couples counseling immediately, okay? Of course, the Harleys would be the best to call, but if you can't, shop around and find yourself a well-experienced, pro-marriage counselor in your community and work with him/her to resolve this chapter in your lives.

Good luck, lady. You're on the right path; stay with it.

Brokenincali,

Way to 'woman-up' and keep your composure and follow through with all the advice you've received.

Your H sounds alot like mine right after D-Day #1. Agreeable, remorseful, grateful you haven't thrown him out on his ear, asking for (and seemingly receiving) forgiveness and promising to change overnight.

I won't tell you what to do, but I'll tell you in a nutshell why I had 3 more D-Days.

Withdrawal sucks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It sneaks up on you and WH and deceives both of you. I did NOT know about withdrawal when I forgave my H and believed that he wanted to make changes. In exchange, I would not expose to OPS. He was thankful for that.

In fact, he was so thankful, he got much smarter and dug further underground to start secret new email accounts. I found the first one within 24 hours, but the second one, a week later took a month because it was a 'draft & delete' account in hotmail, which did not send any confirmations to another account.

For the next several months, he appeared to be a changed person, very loving, kind, going overboard to be helpful, reading the Bible and "Not Just Friends" and praying together every morning and/or night, and I was elated. We had SF often and I felt like I was beginning to get the marriage I always strived to get for the first 32 years.

But all the while, he was lying to me, our MC, the OW and worst of all, to himself.

Broken, I know it will be hard with your sub schedule, but you must get spy tools in place to help both of you. The best spy tool I did not find out about until I registered on MB is the other set of eyes. Until we exposed to OPS, we could not start recovery, as exposure was the missing link to helping me rebuild my trust in my H.

Most important was his attitude towards exposure. He was thankful I did not expose on D Day #1 due to withdrawal. But had we exposed, OWH might have helped us prevent D Day #2 and #3.

Please consider NOT blackmailing your H and OW and her H with exposure. It will hurt a lot less to do it now and save yourself the pain of discovering how deep withdrawal fangs can wedge.

We did not expose until I registered with MB and started learning how important it was, over 6 months after D Day #1

Eventually my H said "If it will help you heal, I'll fly to OWH and apologize to him in person." But I said I'd call OWH to confirm the exposure packet (her handwritten notes, cards, letters and printed emails) was on its way and would NOT be opened by a secretary if I marked it 'personal'. OWH said he appreciated that, but I only got the returned receipt signed by a secretary...and the entire packet could have gone in the round file for all I know.

The biggest trust builder in our delayed exposure was seeing my H's attitude throughout the ordeal. I'm believing in him more and more every day. Now he says OW was ugly, boring, and a worst liar than H....and probably already has another guy she is cheating with. He says he only thinks about her when I bring her up so I'm learning to forget her, too.

I'll try to find the thread with reasons to expose and NOT to expose I started after inadvertantly emailing and speaking to Dr. and Mrs. Harley on the MB radio show. I believe that happened so I could help others like you avoid the costly mistakes we made.

Today is the 3rd month anniversary of my registering on MB and starting to learn what we needed to begin recovery. Again, I'm not telling you what to do, but I'm hoping you will consider what I've said to be helpful for you and your WH.

Ace

ETA: Our delayed exposure was different than immediate exposure per Dr. Harley on MB radio, 1-31-07.

Longhorn....where were you when I was looking for you? That's OK, SaturnRising took care of my request to post your links on the recovery forum for Mishes.

I was just going to suggest BIC look for your threads, too and here you are! Broken, you've got the all-time all-star MB vets rooting for you. Notice if any of them disagree with me regarding exposure to OPS. They taught me well and I hope I can share that same info with you and your H.

Ace

Dear Brokenincali,
I am glad to hear that you told him that you know.
The other woman's husband deserves to know what has happened in his M so that he has an opportunity to make decisions regarding his M. These are decisions that you of all people know that he has the right to make.

These are his decisions to make but he must have the information that you are now keeping from him, just like your husband and his wife kept the information from him.

If you do not tell him, you are conspiring with his wife and with your husband. Do you really want to be that kind of person??

Please think about this and do the right thing for this man.

Telling the other woman's husband what you know will help ensure you and your husband's recovery. Don't add to your husband's temptation if withdrawal is hard for him.

As a teacher, you understand that you don't place temptation in front of a student: You don't leave money laying out, you don't let kids bring valuables into the class, you proctor tests carefully.

You don't set student's up for failure, don't set yourself and your husband up for failure.

Tell the other woman's husband what you know. It is the moral thing to do.

Congratulations and welcome to the roller coaster of recovery. My thoughts are with you and yours.
Lake

BIC, great job! It is important that you inform the OWH regardless. He must be told about the affair so he can protect himself and his children from your husband and his wife. Otherwise, your H is free to pursue her and she is free to pursue him. With two ppl watching on both ends, this is less likely to ever resume. The OWH deserves the same chance as you to protect himself and to fix the problem in his marriage. this step cannot be left undone.

I would suggest just calling him up without forewarning your H and giving him the information about the affair. If your H never says anything, then you will know they are not in contact. But you would want to tell your H that you did tell her H afterwards.

Good job!

BINGO!

OOoops.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> forgot to mention that our exposure was very delayed.

Had I known about withdrawal and MB principles, I would NOT have discussed it with my H before exposing right after D Day #1.

Sorry for the mis-information. Keep posting, BIC, as that's how you/we learn. The vets keep us newbies in line when we mess up and forget little details like that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Again, Mel...thanks!
Ace

How's it going BIC?

Time for an update if you can share.

Ace