I had this posted in the Divorced/Divorcing section but was told to bring it over to the forum, so here is my story...

My wife and I have been married for almost 14-yrs. We have 3 beautiful children together. Two months ago she said she didn't love me anymore and wanted to move out to see if she missed me and could love me anymore. The time apart has been killing me, but I've tried to give her her space as she requested.

When she left me, I started getting suspicious, so I checked her cell phone bills and had my suspicions confirmed. She had been having an affair for the last 6 months. I'm not sure how far this affair went. She denies that it was sexual in nature, but I'm not sure that I believe her.

This separation has been a wake-up call for me. I look back and see that we had both become very complacent at meeting each other's needs. We rarely fought, but the spark just wasn't there. This situation has made me realize just how much I do love her and need her in my life. I have taken this opportunity to learn all that I can about relationships and feeding a marriage. I have read several good books including His Needs/Her Needs. I have a better understanding of what it takes to make a marriage work. I have tried to share the things that I am reading with her, but she doesn't want to listen. She says she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want to put the effort into even trying to salvage the marriage.

She says she wants a divorce and that her mind is made up and doesn't want to discuss it any further. Recently she has become angry with me when I try to discuss things with her. She can't really give me a good reason for wanting to end it.

Sometimes I think she wants to end it just so she doesn't have to face guilt and a hard reality. I have told her time and again that people can work through this and usually make something stronger out of it. But she is unwilling.

Neither one of us has proceeded with filing for divorce. I still love her so much, but part of me feels that she is beyond reach and that I should just move on. This is not the outcome I want for us or our children.

Any words of wisdom out there on how to proceed??

thanks

Read "Surviving an Affair"

Study and begin a strong Plan A.

Don't file, and drag your feet if she does.

Read the first 4 topics in the Just Found Out forum.

Correct any of the things about yourself that you now know were not conducive to a health, thriving marriage.

Listen to the Harley's radio show. See home page of this site for details. Call in even, and see if you can get personal counseling.

Read all you can on this website, and see how common, ordinary and similar everyone's affair situation is, and realize you are not alone.

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks for the response. I've been reading all that I can from the website and have found it very helpful.

It was her decision to separate and my natural reaction was to pour it on by telling and showing my love for her as much as I could. I got fairly emotional in front of her a few times and I think this drove her away faster.

She did agree to break off the relationship with the OM and did so for a while when we were first separated, but has since started seeing him again. She doesn't want to stop seeing him and continues to say that she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't have the energy or desire to work on our marriage.

I have exposed the A to all of her family, my family and our friends.

Should I stop trying to reason with her and show her how much I love her? Should I move to Plan B and try to cut off all correspondence? We will have to communicate some because of the kids.

you need to continue plan A for awhile longer before considering plan B

Does the OM have a wife? I would find out and expose to her or whoever else who can put pressure on the affair.

Dev, the OM doesn't have a wife but from what I understand he had a girlfriend that he broke up with to pursue a relationship with my wife. I could expose it to his employer. He is a policeman in a neighboring city and a lot of his correspondence with my wife was while he was on duty. I am reluctant to do this though because it will really make my wife angry and push her further away. Any thoughts??

Plan A doesn't seem to be working. I do need to get a better understanding of Plan A and how to execute it though. I haven't read "Surviving an Affair" but will order it.

When we do get the chance to talk, I'm the one doing all of the talking, which is unusual. Maybe this is the wrong approach, maybe I should be asking her questions to get her to talk.

I know that sometimes when we talk I do reach her and some of what I'm saying makes sense to her, but the next time we meet, she's back to being in a fog. She has a couple of friends who aren't real friends who she talks to quite regularly. They aren't good influences. They have both left their husbands and divorced after having an affair. I feel like they are validating themselves through my wife and coaching / coaxing her along. Any suggestions on how to overcome the influences of others?

barnyard, Plan A doesn't usually achieve reconciliation. It is a 2 part program that consists of Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is just a precursor to Plan B.

If I were you, I would do a few more things before you go into Plan B.

1. expose to OM's employer and his parents

2. get custody of your kids and disallow your kids to be exposed to the OM

[your W should have limited visitation with your kids because of her current wayward mind. She does not have their best interest at heart now]

3. cut off all family money and support and take her off all joint financial resources

[to do otherwise is to finance her affair]

When you say this affair is exposed to family and friends, WHAT has been said exactly? Was your W allowed to lie and spin the story? Or do they know they she abandoned your marriage and your children for an affair?

Are there any other exposure targets, such as grandparents, etc, who could be told? Have your children been told the truth or has she been allowed to lie to them? How old are they?

p.s. what you are telling us about your Plan A is par for the course. She will most likely not respond NOW. But she will respond when the affair begins to crumble and you are Plan B. She will remember you as a VIABLE option because you showed her your best side before you went dark.

No one thing in Plan A makes any difference. It is the cumulative effect after weeks, and even months that make a big difference. Many recovered waywards have stated just that in these forums.

You must fill as many of her needs as possible, unconditionally, as she is incapable of meeting any of your needs right now.

It's just the way it is. Keep the faith, and Plan A with vengence.

SD

Just an update:
We have not spoken for about a week and a half now other than coordinating the kids. The last time we spoke she got really angry because I tried to show her the HNHN book. So I decided to give her some time and space. Last night I wrote her an email and explained what I have been learning during our separation. I explained what I had learned about emotional needs for each spouse. I told her that I took the blame for creating the environment that made the affair possible. I told her that I had forgiven her for the affair and understood how it happened. I asked her to take a step in my direction and explained that when she was ready that I would be there with open arms.

It is difficult right now to meet any of her emotional needs because she is so determined not to let me inside her shell. I have a lot of patience by nature, so I can wait for her for a long time.

A few days before we stopped talking I had written a poem for her and dropped it off with one long stem rose. I'm not a poetic person by any means but I gave it a shot and really put some thought into it. She didn't even mention it or act like she was interested in reading it. Yesterday I spoke to her mom and her mom did say that she had mentioned it to her and said it was really sweet. I have given her other gifts, like gift cards, chocolates, flowers, etc, all with no response. She told me that she doesn't want me to give her gifts anymore because it makes her feel bad. Do I keep doing this stuff or is it driving her further away??

Last week I think I screwed up because I closed our joint checking account, which left her with no checking. I also separated our car insurance so that she would have to pay for it herself. I also told her that I had taken her off of my health insurance coverage (I really haven't yet, though I wanted to at the time). Anyway, I think these actions have sent her a mixed message about how I feel. Any thoughts on how to reverse this damage, or was this the right direction to go??

I am thinking about writing an email (if I can get the address) to the OM today. I will respectfully ask him to not contact my W. I understand that it takes both of them to create the affair, but I feel like if I make it a little more personal to him that he might think about it more. I will not write anything malicious or angry just respectfully ask him to back off. This will make my W angry for sure. Is this a good move?

I have ordered Surviving an Affair but haven't rec'd it yet. I will study it as soon as I can.

I appreciate the responses that I have gotten so far. I have asked some questions in this one in hopes that some of you have faced a similar situation and have some insight.

thank you!

Another update:
We finally spoke today. She sent me a long email regarding insurance coverage and also parenting time, so I gave her a call. I tried to just listen to her this time and validate her feelings (btw – that is very difficult while they are telling you how much they don’t love you). We actually spoke for a relatively long time. She says she still wants a divorce and that she still has contact and romantic feeling for the OM. I was understanding and tried to reiterate that fact that I felt I was to blame for the creating the environment that left her open to getting into an A. We were very civil to each other. She said the typical “I love you as a family member and the father of our children, but nothing more than that”.

I think I’ve convinced her not to rush in to getting a divorce, but just the fact that we are talking about it and she says it’s what she wants, scares me. I know that she is in the deep fog still, I can tell this just by talking to her. Even though she says she doesn’t love me and wants a divorce, I saw the conversation as a positive step.

I know that the OM is meeting her needs just by talking to her. They talk for sometimes 3-hrs a day on the phone. I saw this on the cell bills. I’m not sure how I can compete with this right now. I have committed to not take anything she says/does personally and not do any LB’s. It seems like anything I do that might be interpreted as me trying to connect with her makes her mad and want to run away faster. How do I fill her EN’s though?? I know she likes to talk, but I don’t have that many opportunities to talk to her, she has shut me out. Do I just give her time and space and chip away at her slowly?

Did you read my suggestions, barnyard?

barnyard, Plan A has a carrot AND A STICK. You are too much carrot and NO STICK, which makes your Plan A very ineffective. All carrot is nothing more than ENABLING. I will post Pep's outline of Plan A below, but I wanted to address your earlier comments first:


You should not have been paying for any of this anyway; that is enabling. To do so is to finance her affair. You should not protect her from the consequences of her choices. You didn't screw up, you did the right thing.


I think you would have more of an impact if you met him FACE TO FACE, MAN TO MAN. Ask him what his intentions are with YOUR WIFE and ask him to explain himself. This allows the OM to put a real live FACE with a much demonized name and humanizes you.That makes it harder for him to destroy you and shows him you are not scared of him.

It should not be EASY for him to destroy your family.


It is very much ok if she is mad. That means you are interfering in her affair.

The most EFFECTIVE weapon you have against this affair is EXPOSURE and I don't see that this has been done.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

ML, thanks for the feedback. I read through your suggestions and agree with most, but have some concerns with others. I have exposed the affair to her family, my family and our friends. I’ve told them that she is the one that is pushing for a divorce and that she is involved with somebody else. I have told them this on my own without her there so I’m unsure what her version is when she talks to them. I have heard a few things through the grapevine that she has said in order to justify her actions. I have also told my children the truth, although it was watered down a little. They are fairly young (10, 8, 3). I haven’t exposed the affair to the OM’s employer or his parents. I don’t know his parents, but could easily expose it to the police chief of the neighboring town who is his employer.

Some of the actions suggested seem like LB’s. Cutting off financial support is what I want to do, but this would only push her closer to filing for divorce or make her do it faster. We are sharing time with the kids (50/50), so I feel somewhat obligated to send some financial support her way. It seems that if I cut her off, then I’m not able to meet any of her EN’s because she will distance herself from me even further.

Are there ways to meet some EN’s while there is separation between us? I’m sure there will be, but I haven’t seen any opportunities yet. Do I stop with the expression of my feelings? This seems to make her shut down a little when I do express how much I love her or miss her. It’s like she can’t stand to hear that. Now that I’ve gotten over the initial shock of it all, I’ve been able to keep my emotions to myself better, so I’m not exposing her to that. I have taken a different approach to it, trying to remain calm, validate her feelings and make it comfortable for her to talk to me. I have also told her that I have forgiven her for her actions and that I understand how it happened. I took the blame for creating the environment in our marriage that left a void in her EN’s.

I have been trying to improve myself by reading everything that I can get my hands on and learning how to be a better husband, father, etc. We have always had a fairly easy-going relationship, but I was not meeting her EN’s for conversation and affection. I believe this is what she is getting from the OM. We both had become complacent in the marriage and forgot to take care of each other for quite a while. I understand clearly how this works now. My problem now is that I don’t have the opportunity to show her what I have learned. Any suggestions?

by, cutting off her finances is not a lovebuster. Please familiarize yourself with lovebusters, it does NOT MEAN appeasing and enabling a wayward spouse in her affair. You finance her affair at your own expense. This is nothing more than ENABLING and only works against you.

The greatest threat to your marriage is the AFFAIR and protecting her from the consequences of her affair is ENABLING. At your expense. You should never enable her affair. She is already distanced from you by her AFFAIR. So financing her affair only BOLSTERS her affair and keeps you apart.

It is not easy to meet the needs of wayward spouse, but your chances will be greater as the affair crumbles. This is WHY we are trying to help you focus on creating conflict in her affair. The OM is probably meeting 1-2 TOP NEEDS and you are meeting 2-3. She won't realize this until you go into Plan B, though.


Please expose to his parents and to his employer. The sooner the better.

Here is a list of lovebusters, nowhere on this list does it say "refusal to finance WS's affair" is a lovebuster:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

Listen to Mel, she is dead on!

I took another step today after reading your responses. I emailed OM directly at his work address and asked him to stop contact with my W. I also left a voicemail for his direct supervisor and asked that they call me back.

This is really going to make my W mad, but it sounds like it is a necessary step.

Good job, barnyard! Don't stop there. Call his parents and cut off her money. Dont' finance her affair!