Is it recommended to cut off all finances even if she has the kids 50% of the time?

barnyard, I would keep it to the absolute bare minimum, perhaps $300, while removing her from all joint accounts, credit cards, so she doesn't plunder your assets.

I would strongly suggest that you get a legal seperation agreement to protect your custody rights and your finances. I am somewhat surprised that she has 50% custody given that she is having an affair, which is not the best environment for your children. How do your children feel about being yanked around like that to accommodate her affair? Have these kids been exposed to her affair partner?

I have closed the joint checking and am working on the joint credit cards. If I go for the legal separation, she will just go for the divorce immediately. She's stated that we need to get moving on it soon, but hasn't done anything about it yet other than visit with an attorney who overstated the child support that she would rec'v.

The kids haven't been exposed to the OM yet. I've asked them.

I do feel a little yanked around, but also feel like I'm walking on eggshells just to keep her hanging on until the fog clears.

Much of what I've read suggests that an affair is a lot like an addiction to drugs/alcohol. I've seen a lot of the things that have been described, like re-writing history to justify actions, a willingness to sacrifice everything good for the fix. We recently moved to this area to slow life down and have more time as a family. We are currently in the middle of building our dream home. Things were going so good for us and she is willing to throw this away. Is it a good idea to point this out to her? I'd like to explain to her what I see - that she's in an addiction and isn't seeing clearly. It seems like reason doesn't work with her....

You can HELP the fog clear by injecting as much reality as possible into her affair. That is done through exposure and treating her to the consequences of her actions.

barnyard, you are exactly right about this having all the hallmarks of an addiction. She has that mentality right now and cannot respond to reason. She is USING no reason. Pointing this out would be fruitless.

The treatment for addictions is to stop protecting them from the consequences of their actions. This is the only thing that will wake up an addict. It is the same with an affairee. They are lost in a fantasy world and will do everything to avoid reality. This is why it is so important to stop all enabling behaviors.

Have you stopped the building of this home? Cutting off the money and giving up this dream house would supply a good dose of daylight.

I would also suggest that you stop reacting to her implied threat of divorce. I doubt that she will file for divorce if you file for seperation, but even if she did, so what? That doesn't mean you will get divorced. You can't plan your actions around a fear of divorce when your GREATEST threat is not divorce, but her AFFAIR. If that is not disrupted, this will likely LEAD TO divorce.

Often WS's make this threat to keep the BS SCARED into inaction. But filing for divorce certainly is not the end, it is nothing more than a part of the process.

But, I don't think she really wants a divorce or she would have already filed. That being said, I can see great benefit to you filing for a legal seperation. Among those benefits:

1. give her a cold splash of reality, I suspect she would be shocked because she expects you to wait around for her

2. protect yourself financially

3. protect your custody rights

4. create great conflict in the affair by citing adultery and naming the OM as a witness [depending on your state]

There really are great benefits to filing for seperation, IMO. Please take it into consideration.

This step would prepare you for Plan B. Dr. Harley recommends getting a seperation agreement before you go into Plan B so that finances and visitation are set up.

Have you taken a look at Plan B, barnyard?

BY, if I were you, I’d listen closely to what Melody is saying to you and that's not just 'cause she's a friend and a fellow Texan. She's helped hundreds, if not thousands, of couples salvage their marriages using Dr. Willard Harley’s guidelines. When she strongly suggests you protect your finances and custody rights, it’s because she’s seen too many WS’s use such resources to injure the BS and the children. Please take steps as soon as you can, okay?

Additionally, pardner, do NOT try to apply some parts of Dr. Harley's program to recover your marriage and leave other sections unused. This isn't a Chinese restaurant and you don't get to choose the things you like (the ones that make sense to you) from Column A or B. Melody's trying to coach you in the right direction but some of what you must do will seem counter intuitive to you right now. It won’t when you’re on the other side of this bad time in your life, believe me.

Quit worrying about what will make your WW angry, pardner. Right now, that the sun rises in the east has the potential of infuriating her. Friend, people get over being mad…even wayward spouses. It takes a lot of energy to stay mad even when you’re in the right and your WW knows, deep down, she isn't. It’s twice as much work to stay angry in that condition and her energy will fade sooner or later. She’ll be enraged at anything, perhaps everything, you do, so make what you do productive, okay? Please, pardner, do the hard things that will make it possible for your marriage to survive.

You need to read Surviving An Affair as soon as you can but, for right now, you’ve got to kick start the process of smashing the affair. If you don't do the first part of the process and expose this obscenity to everyone who can put pressure on the adultery, you're hurting yourself...but worse, you're hurting your children's chances of having a home with both parents in it.

One of the things I wouldn’t do is send emails to the OM. What do you expect from something like that? Pardner, if he was an honorable man, he wouldn’t be striking up an affair with a married woman, would he? Similarly, don’t leave a voice mail for the OM’s supervisor. That’s too low a level. Write up a formal letter to the Chief of Police, the commissioner, or Internal Affairs (if that’s what it takes) and let them know one of their officers has been conducting an affair on duty and using city resources (phone or computer, for instance) in the process.

Reason WILL NOT work with your WW right now. Don't beat your head against the wall trying to convince her. As far as logic is concerned, the woman you used to know has been taken over by an alien sociopath beamed down from the mother ship orbiting close overhead. The alien doesn't know logic or reason. Don't even try it.

BY, you’ve got a lot of work to do and I’m seriously concerned the window of opportunity you have to do it in may be rapidly closing. For your children, if not for yourself, buckle down and get this done, okay?

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Longhorn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Believe me, hundreds have helped me around here. Barnyard is doing an excellent job and has been taking some very decisive action today.

Excellent. Keep up the good work, BY. It's tough work, but you can do it.

ML & LH, thanks for the input, it is very much appreciated!!

Yes, I feel like this is going to be a long haul with a lot of bumps and setbacks in the road. It is well worth it though, she has always been a good person, wife and mother, but she is definitely not herself right now.

I have exposed this to everyone in our families and also our friends. I will write a letter to the police chief to expose it further this week. I anticipate some anger and resentment from her through this exposure process. How do I keep up with the EN’s if she becomes resentful? We rarely see each other and when we do, it is only for a few minutes to exchange the kids. When she doesn’t screen my calls, we only talk on the phone very briefly as she makes sure to cut me off everytime.

I will look into a legal separation. I don’t know much about it but I will need to protect the finances.

I am reading Surviving An Affair right now. It makes a lot of sense and makes recovery sound a little less ominous, but it’s probably beyond my wife’s comprehension right now.

I am glad you are reading SAA, it will give you some context to what we are telling you. Much of what we are telling you is very counterintuitive so it helps to read SAA. She won't let you meet her needs when she is furious about exposure. But then, she is not letting you meet any needs now because she is in an affair.

We are helping you create conflict in the affair in order to give her some second thoughts and allow her to see how problematic it will be. Exposing the affair and allowng her to face consequences will help in this regard.

Do you have OM's mother on your exposure list, barnyard? I am telling you, that can be a GREAT exposure that would cause lots and lots of trouble for the affairees. If his momma knows this is a married woman, she may be less inclined to play host to an affair. This woul SQUEEZE the affairees to know their future will be one of family isolation but many families will not tolerate an affair partner.

Thank you for all of the support, this has been great to see that my situation is not unique and that there is a pattern to this. Your input has given me hope as well as just being able to read other's stories.

The following is the letter that I have drafted to send to the OM's supervisor. Let me know what you think. I will send it tomorrow.



Chief XXXX
XXXX Police Dept.
1117 Jackson St SE
XXXXXXXX




April 25, 2007




Dear Chief XXXX,

I am writing you today to inform you of an extramarital affair between one of your employees and my wife. The person’s name is Xxxx Xxxxxxxx. This relationship has been carrying on since September of last year.
I am not sure what shift Xxxx works, or if he pursues my wife while on the clock, I do know that there have been rendezvous between the two of them at various times of the day and evening. I’d be more than happy to provide you with all of the phone records showing text messaging and phone calls up to 3-hrs a day. I don’t know if you care much about the personal lives of your employees, but activities like this do indicate what type of employee you have. This definitely falls outside your mission statement of “Excellence Through Service”.
The reason that I am informing you is so that this dark secret can be brought into the light. I love my wife and children and this affair has been very damaging to our family. One way or another, it will end.


Xxxxx Xxxxx
XXX-XXX-XXXX




This should take the exposure phase to another level.

This is very good! It is factual, to the point, and suggests that he is pursuing this affair on the job. At the very least, they will speak to the OM, which will cause him great embarrassment at work. The only thing I might add is a sentence which expresses an expectation of some action, such as "I would like to know what you intend on doing about this," signed with your full name and phone #.

I would also cc another person in the dept and indicate that on the letter. That way, if the Chief is a buddy, the letter won't be tossed in the trash because he will know the letter went to other[s]. A good person to cc would be the Director of HR and/or the OM's direct supervisor, for example.

Any leads on his parents? That can be a very, very lucrative exposure that hits him very personally. It also causes huge problems in the anticipated future of the affair because the OM won't be able to bring a married woman home to momma.

Good job, barnyard.

No. Don't say this at the end of the letter. This could be construed as threatening and used against you later. Simply end by saying that "I know that you will give proper attention to this devestating matter and that you understand the hurt and pain that this is causing me and my family." Thank you.

Thanks for the feedback. I sent the letter adding the suggested parts. I also CC'd someone in the HR dept at City Hall. I'm also sending it to my MIL just as an FYI, because she already knows what I'm doing.

This should stir the pot a little - she's going to be mad. It is very liberating though. It's like I'm able to do something about it instead of just sitting here hoping she comes back.

I will try to locate his parents today.

Thanks for all the help!!

I will keep you posted.

I haven’t heard from the OM’s employer yet (remember, I left his supervisor a voicemail earlier this week). I suspect it will be the letters that I sent that will get a response.

I had a phone conversation with my W this morning. I tried to just listen and validate again. She is still so mixed up. I asked her to cut off contact with the OM. She said no. She has very deep feelings for him and admitted that in the last month they have grown closer together. What kind of a person can sit there and openly explain to their spouse how they are in love with another man. She has really changed. My real W would not spew out hurt like this version of her does. I took it like a man though and did not indicate that it really bothered me.

I sent her an email later and thanked her for the conversation. I explained that I felt like I had to fight for her, for me and especially for the kids.

I don’t think we are going to make it though. We have been separated for too long now (3-months) and she has quite the support group, all previously divorced women who like to show how great it is. Part of me just feels like saying forget it and move on. I do really love her still though and would give my right eye to have her back. It’s tough!!

I feel like it’s next to impossible to meet any of her emotional needs while we are separated. Any ideas out there??

barnyard, I think the key now is to treat her to some carefully delivered consequences. That is what has been lacking here. Exposure is one, which you are doing, and another key factor is cutting off her finances.

Get your finances all seperated, and cut off any funds you have going to her. I would then get a very regimented visitation schedule in place giving her 30% and you 70% and requesting that they never be exposed to her affair. This is preparation for Plan B, which I think you should consider fairly soon here.

I would also expose to his parents and do it at the same time his employer receives the letter. Can you find them? Have you looked for them in www.peoplefinder.com or zabasearch.com?

What state do you live in? Do they have no fault divorce? What about alienation of affection lawsuits?

p.s. it is almost impossible to meet a WS' needs when they are in an affair anyway, so don't despair. Sometimes the best you can do is not lovebust and let them know you will be there when her affair crumbles. And it will crumble, by. Affairs are based on fraud and deceit and are fraught with problems. When the fantasy starts to crumble because reality begins to enter, they will start to lovebust each other. Remember, they dont have the benefit of this program.

When you go into Plan B, her expectations of the OM will rise dramatically because of what she has sacrificed for him. He will suddenly be expected to meet ALL her needs for the first time. He will never be able to live up to those high expectations and that is when the lovebusting will start and the fantasy starts falling apart.

But more importantly, you will start healing because you will be removed from the triangle. You will begin to feel a peace you have not known in a very long time. This will help your decision making ability and will help you make sane decisions about your marriage. You will be much better prepared for divorce if that ever comes to be, which it usually doesn't.

We had a negative encounter this evening when she came over to pick up the kids. She was really mad because I had ran into one of her friends today and asked her to reach out to my W and that she could use some good influences in her life right now. I mentioned that she had a lot of negative influences, including her boyfriend. This friend called my W later and told her what I had said. So when my wife came by tonight she was angry already and brought it up. She wanted to know why I would tell people about the A. I asked her why I should hide it. I tried to remain calm. She got really worked up. I told her that everyone knew, her family, my family, and our children. I told her that I felt like I had to expose this nasty secret. She was really mad that I had told the kids. She said we needed to protect them. I told her that I love her and felt like I have to fight for her and the kids, and that someday she will thank me. She drove off all mad.

It was tough and now I wonder what she’s going to do. I probably won’t sleep tonight thinking about it.

Mel, I live in Oregon, which is a no fault, state. Is it legal to cut off funds completely? I guess I need to go see an attorney.

barnyard, you should not be financing her AFFAIR. She has LEFT YOU. CUT OFF THE MONEY NOW! You are not legally obligated to pay her a cent unless there is a court order. I would go to an attorney, get a legal seperation agreement and cut back on her visitation.

SHE should paying YOU for her portion of your household bills, rather than you financing her AFFAIR!

How is it that she gets 50% when she is a WAYWARD WIFE who is leading an immoral lifestyle? Can she even afford to have the kids 50% of the time? Do you not see how you are facilitating her affair by paying for it? Do the kids like being dragged from their homes 50% of the time?

Please, cut off the money and show her what it will be like when she is divorced. You protect her from that consequence at you and your children's OWN EXPENSE.

Also, it sounds like that was a GOOD encounter. She is angry because she is embarrassed about her affair. THAT IS GOOD!! You handled it beautifully! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Barnyard.

Program yourself. Use what you are learning and LISTEN to Melody. But don't just listen, do it, each and every step.


Of course she doesn't want to face what she is doing to her kids. That is a reality she wants to hide from. Read the thread I started about telling the kids. Melody has posts there as well. I started that thread to help guys (and women) just like you (and me) with what to do with kids AND WHY!

I have walked in your shoes. My wife was going to leave me for OM. I did some right things and some wrong things. On balance, I did enough right to pour cold water on her affair, show her what would happen with the kids and that I still loved her.

Then I found this site and finished the job. My wife was not so far in the fog as yours. So I didn't have to do all of the things Melody is telling you to do, all I had to do was explain that I was going to do them. This is before I found this site and realized I shouldn't have telegraphed my moves. That was a mistake that turned out all right, but it doesn't usually. And it is too late in your case anyway.

Expose everywhere and anywhere you can. Pay for a billboard.

Don't protect her from her choices or enable her affair financially or emotionally.

Tell the kids everthing per the thread- do it kindly and age appropriately - read the thread.

Cops are famous for affairs with married women and as married men, with whoever they can. It just is. There is somewhat of an internal culture that protects them to a certain extent so long as they don't do it on "Company" time. Since cops know all about the emotional consequences of "Some" affairs in terms of them getting involved professionally with those same consequences, some of them have a very negative attitude about affairs. They see the fallout with suicides, fights, kids screwed up, killings, and all sorts of other emotional reactions.

So you have this "Don't rock the boat for a fellow cop" thing coupled with a "Oh gawd, don't tell me he is doing a married woman, sheesh, doesn't he get the risk?" mentality.

I would hope that a policeman (or woman) would step in and add their take to this. Understanding the particular culture where the OM works would help you one way or the other.

That she gets mad is a good thing. The madder she gets, the better off you are so long as she understands that you are fighting for your kids and family, which includes her when she wakes up and smells the roses. Remain clam in the sea of infidelity is your best route. Show her a rock and a beacon of light.

As she exits the affair (and she will 95% of the time), she is going to feel that she has screwed up so bad she can never find happiness with you, or that you will never forgive her for what she has done. You will then have opportunities then you don't have now.

It is a rocky road. But the rocks turn into boulders if you don't stay on the path that has been outlined for you from the resources you have at hand, which includes the advice of MelodyLane and others. While this path doesn't always lead to the result you want, it is the only one that has a chance. What else do you have to lose? Risk equals reward. You can hope to get lucky or make your own luck.

And your first priority has to be the kids. And you don't "Protect" your kids by keeping them in the dark. Your wife wants to do that to protect her fantasy, not to protect the kids. It is all about her and her drug of choice fix.

Larry

Mel / Larry, thank you so much for the support. I went home last night feeling awful but I know what I am doing is right. The affair was built on lies and deception; it is time for me to stand for truth.

I have to go pick up the kids in a little bit and will have to get her signature on some tax stuff and joint checks. I’m glad I got a chance to read this before I go over there, it gave me the boost of confidence that I needed.