NW wrote:
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...she does not, as of right now, believe it was a mistake because she still has feelings for him.
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Which is an issue of understanding that she will need to address in the near future. Just because I want to rob a bank because it makes me "feel good" is no reason to do so.

Feelings are highly unreliable, and will get you in more trouble in five minutes than you can get out of in five years. Even teenagers can understand that.

The fact is that she CHOOSES not to admit the bad choice she has made, the feelings are just an excuse.

God bless,
Gimble

UPDATE:

BAD evening - started off well, good dinner together, nice jog alone, and an hour of Cribbage together.

All was real good - until I asked for the NC letter. She replied she would not write it and that her last request for NC was enough.

Well, I slowly lost control - started asking why not, she said she felt it was to hurtful to him, and I said it would mean alot to me if you would write the letter - it shows me you are committed to at least attempt to make this work. She said she is committed, isn't she still here with me in our home. That she did not file...blah, blah, blah...went on for an hour...her finally saying you cannot make me write it and all you are doing is making me not want to be with you more because you demand I write a letter I do not want to.

I felt like an animal trapped in a corner - if she does not write the letter, then, once again, she walks all over me - I might as well have a Welcome! sign on my chest with her footprints on it. She knows I have no leverage - she wants to leave and what am I going to do, threaten her with divorce? She is the one that wants it, not me.

OTOH, if I do ask her to write the letter, then I will just make her mad and push her away.

So what did I do in my emotional turmoil - closed the door to the room and stood in front of it saying You cannot leave till you write the letter....what was I doing....

Needless to say, I backed down after another hour of annoying asking her to write the letter and annoying why wont you write the letter questions.

I REALLY REALLY LBed - I am worried that our confrontation was the starw that broke the camels back - I am sure she thinks I am psycho now <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Any ideas on how I can remedy this sticky situation - I really need some help here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Nowwhat74

Hi, NW.

So you pleaded with a wall, asking it to move. You aren't the first.

Back off and step back to Plan A, and assume that the affair is still active. The difference this time, I would be much darker.

My non-MB side would issue her the golden invitation (she leaves - now), but I won't foist that on you.

No "I love you's", just treat her respectfully and at arms length. Make plans to do some simple things together.

I will get back to you later on, got to grab lunch and a movie with the wife.

God bless,
Gimble

Do I bring up my outburst today and make a sincere apology? Or do I just pretend it never happened?

That was the last thing on my checklist of requests anyways - she won't write it now, maybe she will later - and if not we are not going to work this out anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Resuming Plan A.

Nowwhat74

Ahem. Please check in here with us FIRST before you hold your wife captive again. Now back to Plan A. I think I would apologize to her.

The fact that she refuses to write the no contact letter is not the greatest news. I would consider the affair ongoing.

I KNOW it was stupid - I have NO clue why I did that - the worst part is she called my bluff - she knows I won't file (yet) and that she was not going to write the letter.

I feel almost worse today than when I knew she lied about him not being at the conference - the fact that NOTHING has improved yet, that she probably thinks I am a psycho now and that she cares more about the OM than me.

Wish these AD would kick in.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Nowwhat74

Know what I hate...

The fact that everytime I see her number on CallerID at work or see her name pop up in an e-mail, my heart skips a beat.

Know what I hate more...

Knowing full well that she does NOT get that feeling when she sees my name or number.

Then, on top of that, I cannot respond right away because I do not want to appear too anxious....even tho I am.

I have GOT to become a Jedi Master with my emotions - I am still too attached...starting to really bother me.

Sorry - had to vent - this is the single hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life.

Thanks again for all your help!!!

Nowwhat74

By the way, be sure to let OM's wife know about this site. It will really help her too.

For men, sometimes it helps to think of this as being in a war. You need to hang in there for the duration, and not just one battle.

I did - she did not care - she seems very....bullheaded - "I do not need some books or a website - gimme some drugs and a divorce lawyer!"

I think that was an exact quote <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Maybe I will get some fatigues this weekend - inspiration.

You are right - I was just at the bottom of the hill on my rollercoaster - time to go back up so I can Plan A tonight when we are out alone!

Nowwhat74

Okay, so you know not to talk about your relationship, right? If she brings it up, just let her know you need a break from all that kind of talk. I know it is hard, but stop the talk and try to have fun.

OM will undoubtedly try to fix his marriage, and the affair will end. But don't give him anymore help by alienating your wife.

I agree completely - I have made a chart of 11 items (big and small) that I want to work on with WW

No more hon, sweetie, etc.

No more saying "Are you sure?" after she responds (she historically has not told me the truth with her first response - as part of therapy, she agreed to tell truth and I agreed not to make sure)

No more LBs

Breathe, relax, be less anxious (pop Xanax if needed)

Compliment her 5 times a day

Let her do things around the house (I was being too enthusiastic in helping around the house, one of old NW74 faults)

Be more positive - less negativity

Accept her as she is - do NOT try to change WW (Do you want to be right or happy theory)

No "You should..." has been pointed out to me that I talk to her like she is a child

Say NOTHING about OM

Say ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about relationship

I grade myself each night on a scale of good, avg or bad so I can see where I need to improve - so far, almost everywhere (except letting her do more around the house - that is easy:)

So we will enjoy tonight - NO R, A or OM talk!!!!

NW74

UPDATE:

Friday was strange - dropped DS off at her parents and went out for dinner - middle of dinner she had intense stomach pains and blurry vision - we almost went to hospital - we drove to in laws and she slept night away while I watched TV with MIL. Stopped in room a couple times, took care of her needs (water, blankets etc) and got several thank yous (btw I always treat her good while sick so this is not a new behavior).

She felt much better this morning - we think it was a migraine (she never has had one before).

Today we hung out all day between breakfast and walks with DS and lunch and going to a Children's museum. It was a fun day - not one LB, not one discussion about OM, R, A or improving our M.

Now she is out with her sis in law celebrating her bday - she will either come back tonight or first thing tomorrow.

Then we will hang out all day tomorrow.

Not a bad couple of days but I know it is a long journey still.

At least I did not hold her captive yoday... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Nowwhat74

OK - I think things are in a downward spiral towards D now....

There is NC between the OM and WW - he is working on his marriage with his BW...mine, on the other hand, does not want to work on our marriage because she is trying to decide if she even wants to be married.

She has little to no self esteem or confidence - never really has - when I was 19 and I asked her out 4 times, she said yes the 5th time because I stopped liking her and liking someone else.

At the time, she thought no one else would want her.

So we started dating. Fell in love. Got married.

I was a good husband, not the best, too critical and not outgoing enough to her tastes. It did not bother her until our DS was born in 2005. Things got worse for her (I was unaware it was bothering her) until she withdrew from our marriage - in '06 - shock of shocks - someone else was attarcted to her, and she to him. She never really thought herself attractive (even though I told her she was all the time).

So now she is wondering if she sold herself short by marrying me. I think she is waffling between leaving to be alone (and date like she did not in her 20's) and working on the marriage.

AT the end of the day, either choice will ruin our marriage - if she disregards my feelings, she leaves and the marriage is over. If she disregards her feelings of independence and works on the marriage, what happens next time she runs into someone who is attracted to her and that she is attracted to? Am I going to be on the same roller coaster I am now??

I do not know what to do now......

Nowwhat74

Plan A = difficult - we walked with son today (it was beautiful out!) and sat and played Cribbage and Rummikub for 2 hours - very nice time - definitely the W was with me.

But I know it is fleeting - she still is fence riding between even wanting to be married and working on our marriage.

I am anxious to see what happens at our MC on Friday - should be interesting!

Nowwhat74

Need some advice - given the situation (wife knows she will not be with OM, they have had NC and he is working on his marriage with his wife), and the fact that she is trying to decide if she even wants to be married, let alone work on our marriage, should I continue Plan A, or is it time for a 180?

I am concerned about implementing a 180 because if I pull away act like I am moving on, it might push her towards deciding to be alone since I appear to have given up already.

Any advice would be appreciated!

Nowwhat74

Random thoughts time:

I HATE this rollercoaster - and it has only been two months - on March 9th WW (who I did not know was WW until March 22nd) told me she did not love me anymore.

Up and down, up and down.

I find I have gone from an out of control freak to someone who is relatively calm on the outside. No more questions about OM - no more questions about us - just Plan A and trying to make sense of it all.

Therapy has helped immensely - I am a much better person than I was before - now I only hope to be abe to apply the new me to my current marriage.

She will not open up about her thought process - I think it will take awhile because of how long she has felt withdrawn from our marriage (she said it started in May '05 and A with OM started Feb '06)

I know many of these situations are scripted, especially the WS script, which I even pointed out to her.

I wonder if I should be doing some non-MB stuff - I read a post where Mrs. W said discussing their history HELPED her, which is definitely not a nomralized MB step. I have thought about doing this alot, especially because she has in no way rewritten our history; in fact, we spend some time joking about past things that have happened.

It is such a weird situation - living together with everything but physical intimacy (and probably emotional on her part - not sure tho) while waiting for her to decide what she wants - I do have a Plan A end date, which I would suggest a Plan B DARK after. I just hope I do not have to go that far.

I have been thinking of asking her to read a section in Divorce Busters about how divorcing does not solve all the problems, especially when a child is involved - I wonder if that would help.

The one constant is I am NOT bringing up OM or the A or our R - hopefully she will feel at peace and realize that this is a VERY salvageable marriage.

Thanks for listening.

Nowwhat74

OK - I am glad I read Hopeful4futures thread.

I realize I have been concentrating too much on her and not enough on me.

Plan A = about me and self improvement - not getting her back - I must keep telling myself that. NO EXPECTATIONS!

On top of that, I need to consider the long term ramifications of her A - I have not done that.

What about 20 years from now - could I handle/trust her, or will I be scared everytime she goes out without me - food for thought for myself for the rest of the evening!

Nowwhat74

Hi, Nowwhat.

Quote:
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What about 20 years from now - could I handle/trust her, or will I be scared everytime she goes out without me - food for thought for myself for the rest of the evening!
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There is an old adage among pilots. It is simple, but beautifully sums up the struggle between risk and time.

"There are bold pilots, and there are old pilots, but there are no old, bold pilots"

Assessing the risk and the time invested in attempting recovery, while not a popular subject of discussion on a pro-marriage forum, is never the less, something that you should strongly consider.

All the best,
Gimble