That"s it! I have had it. My marriage is over, I just talked to the W and she confirmed that she is seeing someone and that it is just starting to get romantic. I can't do this anymore. I am gone, as of tomorrow I am a divorced man. I am going to the courthouse to file first thing. <P>I cannot and will not sit by while she tramples my heart some more. I am so sad and very angry right now. She just doesn't see it. She said she still cares about me but is not inlove with me. She has made a conscious decision not to be with me regardless of how she feels. What the hell do I do now. Can I be in plan B and still divorce ????? Or do I just give in. She is. We have only been seperated for 3 months. She has already found someone else. <P>I told her that I am commited to her and she said if that were true that I wouldn't have had my One night stand........ I blew it. My life is [censored]. I feel so dead inside. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Oh, Rutger, I do feel for you. I am so sooo sorry for what you're going through. <P>Only you can tell when you've had enough. And you have to do what's best for you. Please give yourself a little time to digest this information, though. This is a really hard blow and , well, you know.<P>I had so hoped that she could see past your one night mistake. You don't think she may have been pulling your chain just to hurt you, do you?<P>I wish I knew what else to say. I wish that something could make you feel better. <P>Hugs and prayers,<P>Lori

I'm sorry too Rutger...<P>Remember though, don't do ANYTHING you might regret, like rushing for divorce court. It doesn't hurt to let things rest for a week, does it?? Give your head and heart a time to heal a little and to see if she was serious or not. I just hate to see you going back and forth... hard on the heart and soul!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

My good buddy Rutger - Hey...I completely understand where you're coming from. I feel dead inside too.<P>Wow - that must be particularly painful to hear your W say that she is seeing a 2nd OM. Do you suppose that she is just telling you that to "get even" for your discretion? Maybe she feels that she needs to hurt you "last" or something. Is there any possiblity that this 2nd OM is BS?<P>Remember the old adage...don't file for divorce unless YOU really want it and are ready to follow through. I know this last blow is really hard (if it's true) but it seems like nothing more than revenge to me.<P>I don't get it...she "drew first blood" by having an affair first - you succumbed to a one night stand out of loneliness, alcohol and desparation (not excusing it mind you) and now she has license to do it again...and YOU'RE the bad guy? I;m sorry bud - this doesn't wash.<P>What does your heart tell you to do? Sleep on it and then re-answer the same question tomorrow. Hang in there - we're here for you.

Rutger -- I am so sorry for you. I realize how lame this sounds. But I really do wish there was a way I could relieve your pain and bring your W, the one you married, back to you.<P>You are in my prayers.<P>God Bless

I am so sorry she's done this to you again. <P>It is just so hard to deal with. It is just plain cruel. <P>

Oh Rutger -<P>I am so sorry that she has had the need to lash out and hurt you even more with this malarky.....BIG HUGS to you!!!<P>Let's look at this for a moment OK?<P>She has an affair...it ends...she's still confused.<P>You're hurt and the ego's a little crushed...you get drunk..you sleep with someone (retaliation or ego boost?)..<P>You tell wife....she is hurt...ego's crushed.... <break> for some talking between you both....she's still confused and makes it a point to tell you she is at a romantic point with someone new (retaliation or ego boost?)<P>See the pattern...........<P>Rutger, think about it - it's been what a week...week and a half since she supposedly had this date of hers that she didn't enjoy...how did she get so into someone else to be at a romantic point in that short of time? Don't think so!!!!!<P>Do you love your wife? Do you want a divorce?<P>Why on earth would you be the one to go get it then????? Is there some big rush here? Do you believe that your getting this divorce will make it all go away?<P>It will do the opposite...it will keep it with you that much longer because you let your pride rule your heart and head!! <P>I know the hurt, the anguish, the "doormat" feeling, etc....believe me Rutger - I do!!! But I also know that my H has internal demons that he is trying to get away from....that's what the real problem is....that's what I keep my focus on. <P>My H - like your wife, for whatever reason(s) was hurting, confused and unhappy....they didn't know what to do about it and went and got themselves involved in a fantasy so they could forget their feelings...<P>Problem is that fantasy is not something that can fix them....so they keep putting the blame on us and the marriage instead of trying to deal with the ACTUAL cause(s).<P>Someday they will have to look at that cause....I plan to be there when that happens.<P>Do you see what I am saying? She is internally struggling with whatever "demon" she has going on.....whether it's self worth, marital rut, just a need for "something" more......who knows!! WE don't......we can only guess until they are ready to face things.<P>Love, Plan A and eventually counseling or at least talking with someone who cares enough to guide her in the right direction are what is needed.<P>I know the numbness, the I can't do this anymore.....I need to move forward and get out of the stagnant place I have been in for so long. <P>But you know what....I might not realize it all the time and I might get very frustrated about all this. But I have been moving forward...I've been growing - both in knowledge, maturity and strength. I will need all these things for whatever lies ahead.<P>God will lead the way....you don't have to steer the boat!!<P>HUGS and Strength,<P>Sheba

I do thank you all for your replies...... Unfortunatly I am too drunk to respond right now........ I will respond later when I am sober......... Until then I thank you.......

Rutger<P>Your appreciated!!! I have been blessed by the insight you've shown when I have posed questions in threads... You have a good head, now don't let your emotional state get you into a situation that your not really ready for....<P>I write "HATE" mail and leave it laying around for a week.... It helps me blow off steam, and then I usually calm down in a few days... Haven't sent a 'hate mail' yet <P>Be good to yourself... the hangover may not feel any better tomarrow than you feel tonight...<P>cozy

Rutger,<P>Sheba gave some good advice here. Please don't do anything in haste. If you truly don't want the divorce, then don't file. You never know. These people in affairs think so irrationally that they are known to change their minds from one extreme to another. Promising things can still happen. Just hang in there and follow Plan A.

Ok i've sobered up to a point to talk..... where to start.....<P>Lostva and New begining,<BR>I will digest this information and sit on it for a week or so.... What is the rush if I file now or later the outcome is still the same..... But can I really forgive her and move on ??? I'm not sure about this time, I truely was able to forget and forgive her first affair, but now I see her as a uncaring soul. The first one was a huge mistake, so be it but this time she is doing it on purpose. Only 3 month after seperation..... I just can't deal.<P>Shattered, <BR>My friend, You and I are 2 peas in a pod. Life is strange huh? I don't think she is BSing me on this one. She told me because I aked her what was up and that she was acting strange. She has told me that she want to get romantic with this guy, I just can't sit by while she does this self destructive behavoir. I can't be a part of it. I do not want the divorce but at this point I see no alternitive, She has forced me to do this.<P>ES and M4B,<BR>Thank you for your thoughts...<P>Sheba,<BR>How can I trust anything she tells me at this point ? I'm sure this has been ongoing for more than a week. Heck, might even be the same guy along. Yes, I do love my Wife and always will and NO I don't want a divorce but by filing now and getting on with it I can start to live my life again. I think it will make it all go away so that I can put this behind me. I guess I don't see the pride, I am being thrown around like a rag doll and it hurts. I don't know if I want her back at this point. Sometimes somebody can hurt you so bad that they just never look good again. I figure the 3 more months it would take for the divorce will let me know.<P>I know she has some huge internal demons to deal with and that she MAY come around some day, but I just can't sit here while she does it. I don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I am not willing to take that chance and be miserable for that long. I must move on, I need to live my life again and not be so stagnant. I do think that I have grown in the past 3 months, I feel good about the person that I have become. I am not the same guy that I was. I guess it comes down to, Do I still want her as my life partner knowing how she treated me and how she is continuing to treat me? Right now, NO. <P>used2b and No trust,<BR>Thank you , Maybe this whole thing is blowing off steam but it seems right. at least in this moment in time, I don't think plan A is for me anymore. I just want to lash out at her and be mean, vengful and that is an ugly side of me that she should not have to endure. <P>Hey who knows, maybe in a year or so neither of us will have anyone ( not likely ) and we can try again then but right now I just don't see it happening. Not like this, and maybe now is a good time to wipe the slate clean, To start over again after all this nasty, nasty, nasty mess will be a relief.<P>I need some sleep and Advil, I have a headache...... Go figure.

Rutger, you are one helluva guy...your "one-night stand" is not the cause of your marital problems. All of us have been in your shoes as far as the loneliness is concerned and there are some of us who wouldn't have succumbed to the temptation you did. However, I most probably would have given the opportunity. <P>It really strikes me as odd the way men are, in general, portrayed as non-emotional. The vast majority of men who post here are caring, emotionally-connected individuals and you, my friend, are one of the poster boys for this.<P>If you feel you have had enough of this, then it is time to file for divorce. This action doesn't mean you love your W any less or do not feel strongly that you would like to repair the marriage. It only means that you can no longer tolerate the current situation. You need to take care of yourself as you are getting NO needs being addressed by your W.<P>Even if you do file, or eventually divorce, this doesn't mean that the two of you can decide to stop the proceedings or even get back together after it is final. True love would easily cross those barriers, but right now, you need to get Rutger back on track. Not the marriage particularly, but yourself.<P>I've read most of your posts over time and I can see you have it in you. There is someone out there who will appreciate the special person you are. Who knows??, it could even be W!!!

Heartpain,<BR>Thank you, I am just so lost right now. I feel like I couldn't tollerate it any longer. But at the same time I wonder if I am giving in too easily. Will I be happier if I start the divorce ??? I don't know. I just really don't like the way I feel right now and really don't like the way I am being treated. Anyway I'll post again later.... Thank you for your thoughts....

OK, I need some advice here. What is my next move, Most of you know what is going on. If you have any question please ask me and I will reply. <P>I just am unsure where to go, I know my W will crash soon and when she does I want to be there for her. I am willing to wait for her to a certain exstent, but what about protecting myself financially ? Should I file or not ?<P>In a nutshell, Of course I still love her. I just am tired of being treated so badly. It hurts too much. Should I move on and do my own thing and leave it open with her that when and if she needs me I will be there? I guess that would be considered Plan B. But can you file for divorce and do Plan B ? Or should I not file and Do plan B? I know I can't continue in this manner and I hate to give up after only 3 months. <P>Help........ Any suggestions would be great..... <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Okay....since you are so close to divorce...how about delaying the divorce and go into Plan B.<P>Take care of yourself and do things that you enjoy. Surround yourself with friends and family and try to keep busy.<P>Hopefully, your W will come back around when she sees what it is like when you are not so easily accessible. Maybe her affair will crash and burn. But do let her know that you still love her.<P>If she decides not to come back, then you will have a head-start on what it is like to not have her in your life. Then, it won't come as a shock to you.<P>I'm sorry to be so blunt. I don't know how to word it in a better way, as some of the other do. But, I hope this helps.....

Well, by now you already KNOW what I'm gonna say. If you need advice as to whether or not to file, maybe you're not ready, not really. I mean, you're definitely ready not to be hurt anymore, and ready not to be used anymore, but I'm not so sure that you're ready to end your marriage just yet. Maybe one day, maybe soon, but probably not today.<P>Plan B seems perfectly reasonable to me. You need to protect the rapidly dwindling love units you have for her. She needs to know how it will feel NOT to have you trying to win her back. <P>You have a gift w/ words. I know you can write the perfect plan B letter - letting her know you love her, but .......<P>Glad you're thinking twice. Now, I'm not a success, but until you're sure, never give up.<P>Lori

Rutger,<BR>My H has had an on again off again (mostly on, I guess) affair since April 98. Today we started our 6th separation. Hey, what is out there that you are rushing for a divorce? I've replied to some of your former threads, you didn't get a lot out of what you found in your momentary madness. There's no rush. Whatever you do, you've got to heal. At this point do you have your whole heart, body & soul to offer someone? I think not. You love your wife. <P>You decide.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Rutger, your wife WAS responding to your plan A. I see this person in her life now as a setback. <P>I vote (and seem to be the minority) for continuing with your plan A. It seems like when you give up, she does too.<P>Stay consistent. It is key, in my opinion.<P>And I'm just an email away, my friend.

Keep the lines of communication open. Try to protect your assets. You will need to preserve them for the recovery. Don't divorce unless you want it.<BR>If she is doing this to get back at you it won't last too much longer. In the mean time it would be good to get counselling for yourself. It helped me keep my head straight during this time.

Hi Rutger -<P>I'm with M4B and Fighter....<P>Plan A, Couseling for yourself and read Eric's Learning Thread - He has been able to articulate what I have been feeling about my own situation very well and I think that it might help you.<P>Big Hugs and Hang on,<P>Sheba