yeah, thanks Princess. I hope to be where your at someday.

MM...

I pulled this excellent parenting tidbit from the other thread, to me it just futher shows what a learned man you really are!


I SO agree with you on this, actually on all the parenting stuff you outlined there...We haven't quite gone "there" with our DD, as she is only 7, but she DOES know all about Adam Walsh, and any mention of his name sticks her like velcro to my side when we are out shopping...LIVING IN REALITY is truly a blessing, with our children AND our spouses...Thanks for sharing that on the other thread...Sorry to bring it over here and muddy up this one, but I just had to let you know what I thought, and this seemed the better place to do so...

Mrs. W

Thanks Mrs W!!

MM

I also want to thank you for opening my eyes on the other thread. You and LH both have done that for me and for that I am thankful. It has given me much to think about and change.

I also have a question for you if you do not mind.

I know you were once in the military. In some of your old posts if I remember correctly part of the issue within your marriage was your dedication to the military and your job.

I have been trying to heal, improve our marriage after discussing problems with my h and his EA. The problem is he continues to tell me ok let me think about it and get back to you. Well he never does. Or when I ask him about it he has forgotten what it was or hasn't had time to think because he has been to busy with work and school. He beats himself up when this happens however it never changes. Then I go back to feeling bad because I know how busy he is. However I am getting to the point of just letting things be. I know that will lead to ugly things however I feel like I'm doing this alone.

Any suggestions for me or that I can give to him as to how to balance this. The latest has hit me kind of hard. I asked for his forgiveness for something that bothered him when I did it and he said to give him time to think about it, to come up with questions about it. After some time I approached him on it, at first he forgot what I was talking about, then he remembered the talk but could not remember what I was asking forgiveness for. I feel like Satan has this strong foothold in my marriage and he is winning.

Help.

Yeah. Maybe try this...

Keep a notebook. Seriously! I know of a couple where the guy is just forgetful. So, wha tthey did was to have a notebook he would write things down into. Quick things...like reminders. I use my PDA. My wife used to call, ask for something from McDonalds for her and the kids. I would get there, forget that she wanted grilled chicken instead of crispy...and get the order wrong. That used to frustrate her and it also made her feel unloved because it appeared I was not paying attention.

Now, she calls and I pull over...whip out my PDA and write out a few notes. I forget things a lot less now!

Also, you two need to plan times. Plan time for dealing with the finances. Plan time for alone time with each other. Plan time for recreational activity. Even plan time for sex!

Yes...sex (most of the time) should be planned! Why? Because if it isnt, it will be shoved onto the back burner as soon as something gets in the way or someone is too tired because the day got filled up with other stuff. But if it is planned...then part of the day is alotted to that activity...whatever it is.

It is like working out. If we just say "I will go to the gym tomorrow sometime" then a good bet is we will never make it there. Instead, if I plan to go to the gym from 6-7am, then shower and get ready from 7-7:30am and then show up at work at 8am...then my workout is planned. And most of the time, it will get accomplished.

If you dont plan, then things dont work out...and someone is mad or hurt. If your highest EN is domestic support, and your husband promises to fix the leaky faucet...and keeps promising but somehow never gets around to it, then you will be hurt and feel unloved. But, if you two got togethe and planned out the week...and you asked him "okay, let's find some time that you might have to fix that faucet" and then look at the calendar and see that he has a couple hours on saturday morning...and you put it on the calendar...it is a good bet that faucet gets fixed Saturday morning!

With us guys, many times...this is the EXACT problem we have with our wives when it comes to sex. Especially when kids start showing up! Our wives are too tired, too busy. Sex and affection get pushed to the back burner. They are no longer her priority because there are little ones that need her.

But, if the husband and wife planned for sex...then this would be different. If they POJAed it...and said "hey, it looks like you and I could get the kids to bed early on Tuesday and Thursday...and then have my mother take the kids Saturday evening so we could go out. On Tuesday and Thursday, I think if we can get the kids to bed by 8pm, and get the last minute chores done by 9pm...then maybe we can get in the hottub together for a half hour...a little fun after that...and in bed by 10pm."

Simple! Not easy. It requires both communicating and working together.

But if you do this...the problems like this will be lessened considerably!

Thank you,

It's amazing sometimes how prayers are answered. My h wants to schedule times to talk. Wants me to let him know ahead of time what it is I want to talk about. I have a hard time with this as one I think it gives him a heads up and he has had issues with lieing so it gives him time to think up something. Bad on me as I know he is trying. The other thing is when something comes to me its then that I have an easier time talking, the discussion comes easier. Soooo I hear you MM and I finally get it with the scheduling of things.

Communication with him is difficult, if I ask a question he doesn't want to answer he just ignores the question and does not respond.

I understand the scheduling of sex. I wish I could discuss this more however ..... it's not me with the issue <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

I get what you are saying. Just tired of being low on his list of priorities, even though I understand why.

Have you two been to the Marriage Builders Weekend?

No we have been to Family life weekends though.

He has the tools just feels the steps he has taken is enough for the moment. I have given up getting him to partner with me in the hard work of making our marriage what it can be. Makes him frustrated because he feels I either want it all or nothing.

He doesn't know about MB, would not be happy with me if he knew I was posting. Doesn't believe he had an EA. Feels he is making progess that I want to much to soon. Yes I like to see consistent progress. Trying not to give DJ and concentrate on what I bring. If I didn't have GOd I would be very vulnerable to an affair. I am so thankful I have HIM.

What you posted here is EXACTLY why the two of you need to go to the weekend. It isnt like the other ones.

Your husband is going to have to step up to the plate! Of course, you dont want to love bust. But at the same time, the status quo cannot remain. You must calmly explain what is needed here. If yo ucant, then at least get him to the weekend. That way, Dr. Harley can get him on the same piece of paper. By the end of the weekend, he will have all the tools AND understand the WHY!

Thanks MM,

I am at the end of my rope with all of this.

I will pray about your suggestion for MB. Really unsure if I could get him there ie: to busy with work. Also finances. However I get what you are saying. Can't even get him to listen to a Christian book on cd as he doesn't have time to read. I just believe he doesn't need me he has his job which brings him great fullfillment. He knows I feel this way.

Thanks again and Congratulations to you and Mrs. MM.

Hey Mortar-

The last time I was on here....your wife had taken back up with the OM......now you are expecting?! I'm so happy for you!!!

Things with Mark are....ummmmmm well not 100%, but we're getting there.

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren

MM

Well, very interesting comment from her:


Is there a common thread where a wayward wife will reconnect to the point where she really, really believes that her husband is just about the only person in the world she can absolutely trust, without question?

My wife seems to trust me to the ends of the earth, not only by attitude, but also she says it, point blank.

Comments MM, or anyone. I find this extremely interesting.

Larry

Mortarman,

I'm an old poster who was around about the time or maybe a bit before you started posting. Heck, I can't even remember my old login name although I have gone by YellowRoseTX or something like that. Age is rough on me lately! I have logged in every few months to get updates on the people whose stories touched me in a special way. You are one of those and so is our Spunky Mimi, GeorgiaGuy (I know he changed his nickname, but can't remember it either, lol), CarenMC, and many others.

I wanted to congratulate not only you, but also your wife. I was the WW myself and was on the verge of walking away from my kids even during the depths of my days of insanity and depravity. My heart soars at the way things are turning our for your beautiful family. Even as a WW, sometimes I wanted to shake your lovely wife (lol, and sometimes even you when you would deviate a bit), but that was because I was out of the fog while she was still firmly entrenched in taker behavior. I wish you and your family all the blessings that the good Lord has to offer.

My story has had no happy ending, I'm still married to the man I betrayed, but instead of healing and forgiveness, there is deeply entrenched bitterness and now a sense of entitlement even because he was not the one who went out and f*cked someone. He's right about that, but there are many ways to betray and hurt a family and they don't all involve sleeping with someone. I'll take my lumps, my consequences, whatever - I know I earned them.

I really don't want to thread jack, but I have an situation I'd like feedback on but we can do it on another thread - I relayed to my husband recent info about a couple we know where the man cheated on the woman and he laughed. He actually was enjoying himself. He said he loved that fact that Rob (not his real name) cheated because he was always so holier-than-thou. I was taken aback at no sympathy on his part for the betrayed spouse, just almost joy that this guy has screwed up so badly. I'm certain he didn't find it funny when I cheated on him so I am so perplexed. He then went on to state that as he's always believed and known, only people with weak characters cheat. That horrified me. Weak character, huh? So why with me? I guess it ties back into my paycheck which was always my primary suspicion about why he stayed. It's been over 6 years and I'm still paying in countless ways. (note: the other issue was the church that ALL 4 of us used to attend, the pastor told my female friend it was her fault her husband cheated because she wasn't meeting his needs, how very interesting that when I cheated, the pastor didn't 'blame' my husband for it because he wasn't meeting my needs. I reassured my friend that she was not responsible for her H having an affair just like my H wasn't responsible for mine and that the pastor was wrong in my opinion ). Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being open to taking your wife back and loving her when you knew she was back to being your wife and not the alien she had become.

While I'm sad for me, it is good to know that there are people who are recovering - with or without their WS's. I'm sorry to end my congrats to you with a downer. I didn't realize how sad I was until I started typing. I'll end my thread jack now - so very sorry. My best wishes to you, your wife, & your precious children (& the lil one on the way!)

Regards,

YR

Yep! Hey Caren...I am interested in seeing your update on your thread.

I find it is a process.I have seen it over and over on here. Instinctually, somewhere deep down, these WSs KNOW their spouses. They choose to actively forget, though.

That is what Plan A is for. It is to bring all of those things to the forefront. For the WS to actually have to look straight at the BS and see what they are about to lose. And then look at the OP and see what they are about to gain. And in almost all cases, the OP never measures up.

So, I think in my wife's case, that all of the Plan A I did, as well as continuing to pursue her...as well as my final Plan B that left her literally alone...was enough for her to recognize all that she said.

But even now, it continues to be a process. Little things come out of her mouth. Or, some nights I come home and she wants to just curl up next to me and hold on tight. Two nights ago, I sat down on the bed and she did this. When I went to go get some water, she didnt even want me to get up.

It slowly rebinds over time. So does the WS's recognition of just what has happened.

YR...thanks! And I will look in on your sitch!

The issue you told above is quite common actually. A BS can get stuck in bitterness. It is what happened to the Troll (my wife's OM). He had married his high school girldfriend. Right after having twin daughters, his wife took up with this other guy. And then divorced the Troll and is still with that guy and they have the Troll's kids.

So what does he do? He moves to Virginia and within no time at all, becomes a predator and seeks out my wife.

Many of us do not respond well to the pain of this. While you did mess up with the adultery, there is no reason why your marriage should stay where it is. And neither of you should accept it this way.