WTF....my friend. How is your lovely wife and family?

Thanks for the support. I really knew that guy was outta there with the whole GF stuff. Is he trying to hide behind labels with his own affair? Or just misguided? who knows.

I just read a book on how God uses our scars to help others. It's called "your scars are beautiful to God". It is helping me come to some level of forgiveness. I have been hanging onto resentment and anger as some sort of badge since the D. It is so hard to just let God have it and deal with it as He sees fit. My own personal, selfish, wishes are for them to never be happy and to feel shame and hurt everywhere they go. Oh how I wish God would make their lives miserable as some sort of punishment. I know that His plan is so much better than mine.

Do you know what really bothers me? Finding out that the OW and my XWH go to church together and sit in the pew together. That she raises their relationship up in prayer when they go on trips together or when one of them is sick. Do they really believe that God is good with their relationship just because the divorce is final? Do any of you think God is ok with this? Does divorcing your spouse for another person make the relationship kosher? I don't think so. It seems like God has pretty harsh words for someone that abandons the family for another.

Anyone wish to pipe in on this?

Loni

Oh wow. I just found out that my own kids are spying for my ex in the custody dispute. At least that is what he has told his lawyer and now he has some "pictures". I am so upset that my kids are betraying me too. I haven't mentioned a thing about this to them, and I won't.

OMG.... I am finally beginning to feel all of the loss of the past year. I was divorced, my sister died, my dad died, I have lost relationships with most of my in-laws and some friends, and I have a strained relationship with another sister because of tampering from my XH. It reads like a chapter on Pathetic to me. Now I am going through a custody battle for my kids with the man that left me for the OW. I just want to crawl into bed and never come out again.

And what really freaks me out is that it can, and probably will, get worse. I really don't know if I'm strong enough for any more. Help, please?

Loni

Loni,
i offer you hugs and to tell you you are not alone.
first off my advice is this: turn it all over to god and pray for a hedge of protection around you. i truly truly believe that if you trust god with all of this he will protect you. he has me. my ex this past year threw a lot at me, he tried to take custody as well. but no matter what he threw at me, it bounced off because i was under god's protection. i am not saying it made things any less stressful, i am human after all. but i knew god would take care of me and my kids and he did.

as far as your ex, some of us have very very hard ones to deal with. i know mind certainly can be, still tries to control me 2 years later. my bf is going through it right now too. there was no infidelity in his marriage, just major abandonment issues. she has moved on with someone else but cannot deal with the fact that he has. she is being awful and evil right now, and is trying to take some of his visitation with his daughter away. it is causing bf so much stress that we may actually lose our relationship over this. i hate to think we will, i love him with all of my heart and we planned to be together permanently starting next year, ring and all. now that may never happen all because of her. am i angry at her? you better believe i am.

why do we have to have exes like this? they are the ones that do wrong in the marriage and even after the marriage is done and they have either the op in their lives full time or have moved on with someone else, they still feel the need to torture, control, manipulate, etc, us? why can't they just leave us alone to move on, be with someone whom we can love and who loves and respects us, and let us love and be with our children? i just don't understand. you, me, my bf, and many others i see on her were obviously married to narcissistic sociopaths. lucky us.

vent done. and all i can offer you loni is my sincerest hug, and prayers. god will protect. he provides and protects me everyday. he really does. i believe he will for you too and anyone else who turns their issues over to him and trusts him to take care of it. let him hold you and soothe you. i sure do know how you feel.

mlhb

as far as is god ok with their relationship? well, i do belive god forgives if you are truly repentant BUT, if they are truly repentant and asking forgiveness of god, part of that would be asking YOUR forgiveness as well. they would be coming to you and asking for you to forgive them and admitting their sin and offering to make amends. have they done that yet? if no, than i would say no, god is not alright with their relationship.

mlhb

Hi mlhb.

No, my ex and the OW have yet to apologize to me. I even mentioned this to my XH when he talked about being "good" with God. He still didn't even come close to apologizing. I don't expect to ever get one from him I know that God can't be OK with everyone praying for my XH and the OW to have a safe trip together when they are obviously intimate. Honestly, they both just make me sick. I try to avoid them at all costs.

My behavior hasn't been perfect either since the breakup. I have had sex with a couple of boyfriends. I have to answer to God for this too.

Thanks for the idea of praying for protection. I will do that.

Loni

you're welcome loni. i pray for it every single day.

mlhb

Loni,
In one of the divorce recovery books there was a comic which showed a woman saying "They say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but he must have mistaken me for someone in Minnesota".
This seems to fit what you describe.
Trust in God.

And it helps me to read posts like yours and mlhb's to know that I am not the only one dealing with an NPD, where the children are just pawns in a game of control. And the X's all have other people in their lives, and you'd think they'd be happy, but perhaps they are just not happy with themselves, so they take it out on us.

I also look at the following website following interactions with my X to make me feel like I'm not going crazy.

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html

i know i pray very hard about it. my ex at the moment is actually leaving me alone for the most part. but gekkos... i am very angry at her right now. i don't hate anyone, but it is bordering on hatred for her right now. i am really really praying about that. i've never even met the woman and yet she is about to destroy the best thing that has ever happened to me because she is bitter and jealous.

you should have seen how she grilled her daughter on the phone while they were here. for 10 minutes asking question after question. the child is 3 and a half for goodness sake! poor dear, her mother is on a straight path to messing that gorgeous little girl up.

how come our exes can have someone in their lives but we can't? and why must they use the children as pawns. "well, you pissed me off, how dare you, now i am going to take your child away from you." how wrong is that? i can't believe they don't see how unbelievably unfair that is not only the the adult but to the child?

sorry, i am having a bad week.

mlhb

Loni - sorry to threadjack
I've often wondered how they have people in their lives, can't they see through the lies? But then, we bought the story at some point. My X's GF thinks I'm a total bit** and I keep him from the kids. Yet, he never wants any more time with them. I often think that she (like me) doesn't realize he never makes plans. He just goes along with whatever she does.
I offered my X a 5 day weekend where I'd handdeliver the kids and pick them up just so I could take them to vacation bible school. (I'm such a bad mom). But he refused. He's inflexible to changing the schedule. So, vacation bible school is bad, Brownies is bad. And Ok, vent time, X ignores all letters from me regarding the kids and didn't really think about where they'd be this week, and called me to give him a list of supplies (I gave it to you 3 months ago). So, perfect father makes a big deal out of going to horseback riding camp to take their picture. I'm pissed. This is the same man who promised them horse camp for 2 year and never followed through, so I signed them up. The same man who refused to ask his GF for boots (both her girls ride). Such a wonderful father (who still makes his mom drive my children around because "he's too busy".
Yes, will the kids remember that I plan all this stuff for them, or will they remember that he went to a class on wood burning stoves instead of their performance one night.

Sorry, I've been stewing. I don't want X, GF can have him. But I want a better coparenting relationship for the kids sake. The hatred is too much. I can't make him happy. I can't imagine him happy. I lived with the depressed person, and when she sees how he treats me, I wonder if she ever thinks "wow, he could turn on me too".

Newly and mlhb

I really understand. I hate my xh so much right now. I feel the betrayal deeply. I don't know how I'm supposed to really forgive. I can say I have forgiven. I can try to forgive. I have decided that I want to forgive. But still, it hasn't happened.

Any ideas?

Loni

i just continue to pray and turn things over to god. i have had some pretty rough dealings with my ex but nothing in comparison to what my bf is going through. now i have to pray that not only can i work on forgiving my ex, but work on not hating gekko's ex! because i really do right now. and i don't like having that feeling.

i have started an at home bible study and when i am done i just pray and pray. i wish gekko and i could have had the chance to pray together when he was here. i think it is important. it helps me to keep my sanity.

god has come through for me on everything else and in his time. i have to believe he will come through for me now too. and he will for you as well, just keep turning that hatred over to him.

it is just that much harder when they use the children. that is just sick and wrong. they don't even deserve to be around their kids when they pull crap like that.

mlhb

ugggghhhh. Can I just say that raising teenagers after divorce can really stink?

My daughter started up with the attitude again. I told her that others have noticed her disrespectful attitude and commented on it to me. She immediately started up with the "they don't kow how fake you are". OK, that's a new one. Now I'm only faking being a loving mom. She brought up dating again and says that she doesn't like that either and how I need to just pick one and stay with him. Sure.... let's do that. I can just pick someone and hope for the best, or I can date a few more and keep my options open. I want the "real" thing. I don't want a Mr. Right Now.

She also got angry with me for not letting them eat at their dad's house. I didn't know they wanted to and I was expecting them back at 9am (ok... teenagers wake up later than that) and told them to just be home by dinner time. She accused me of being mean to them by not letting them stay for dinner. I'm about ready for them to go to my XH's house for 4 weeks. I could use the quiet.

Any ideas? I took her car away for the back talk and attitude.

Loni

yes,

your teenagers are normal. ..

go read the book, "I hate you, but first, can you drive Cheryl and me to the Mall?"

explains teenagers quite well, and if you understand them and handle them with the tips in the book, you will win. . .

wiftty

Thanks so much. I really feel like I have been flying without a compass on this. I will go and get the book in the morning.

Loni

I hope I get over this soon.... The OW sat next to me at my DD16's game last night. I got up and went to the other bleachers. I know she did it on purpose to bother me. I just wish it didn't bother me. She finally got up and went to sit next to my XH so I returned to my seat.

I really can't stand the sight, sound or knowledge of her. Any thoughts?

Loni

I don't know the law very well. Can you take out a restraining order against her? Something like a 100' radius of protection around you?

Only if I am in danger. Actually, she should be more afraid of me since I would happily kick her butt still. I tried to get an RO last summer because she had successfully filed one on me. ( I hadn't done anything but she told some great lies). They refused mine since she hadn't threatened to harm me. Although, she did try to get me fired from my job as a nurse. After the RO was in effect, she would come and sit within 10 feet of me. She even tried to get me to come to her house and pick up one of her kids. ( her son is best friends with mine). I declined and avoid her like the plague. I really want nothing to do with her or my XH.

Thanks for the suggestion though.

Loni

I see. That's too bad. I thought that harassment was enough to get an RO. Maybe it's different from state to state.

I'm in Michigan. First off, I was shocked how easy it was for her to get an RO on me without me having a chance to dispute or defend. She just told a bunch of lies and half-truths and they granted her one.

I could get one on her too, if I wanted to stoop to the same level.

Loni