I already answered this. Set firm boundaries. Start small and work towards your ideal slowly. Ark suggested Alanon- you will get many good practical ideas from this group. And END CONTACT. All contact. Dr. Harley suggests moving in cases like yours (small town).

I would NOT leave your husband until you are firmly out of withdrawal from your affair. You will not be able to see him clearly, or give him credit for any changes he makes, until your OM is out of the picture.

SR - there is no way I can or will move. H wouldn't want that either. I'm trying to withdrawal from the affair, but my H isn't making my home life or my M very tolerable.

When you say set firm boundaries, can you elaborate? I've read most all of Harley's books but not sure what you mean? Boundaries as in no more lies, no more drugs, no more gambling? I know that I can set up those boundaries, but I am 110% sure he'll break them. No doubt in my mind. My H will do what HE wants to do and just lie about it. If he does break them, then what? Do I just leave? Divorce? What are the consequences or what should they be?

Just like today, my H and I talked for a few minutes because we've been bickering ALOT lately. He fully admits that he's not meeting my EN's. He knows this, but yet is either unable or unwilling to try to do so for any length of time. He can do it for a week or maybe even a month, but always reverts back to the same. This is hugely related to his bi-polar, no doubt. No consistency in ANYTHING he does. Also, he will not pick up a book or read anything about improving our M. He may read a page or two if I ask him too, but he's not going to read a whole book. I am in IC, but we're no longer in MC. It never really got us anywhere. Again, H could step up for a while (helping around house, not missing work, not playing cards etc.) but eventually he goes back to normal. The other foot 100% ALWAYS drops with him.

Thanks again for your input. I really want to do the right thing but I know I need to have a little bit of happiness myself too.

Like I said earlier, I'm not great at explaining boundaries. I suggest doing a search on the users "myschae" and "star*fish" with "boundaries" as a key word.

Here's a good thread to begin with:
Boundaries Vs Manipulation/Control

A hint: it's all about you not him. A boundary protects YOU; it is not intended to change HIM. It protects you from the counsequences of HIS behavior.

Good luck Callie.

Boundaries and ultimatums are often interchanged, and confused.

Ultimatum -
1. A final statement of terms made by one party to another. 2. A statement, especially in diplomatic negotiations, that expresses or implies the threat of serious penalties if the terms are not accepted. [New Latin, from neuter of Latin ultim³tus, last. See ULTIMATE.]

Boundary -
bound·a·ry (boun“d…-r¶, -dr¶) n., pl. bound·a·ries. 1. Something that indicates a border or limit. 2. The border or limit so indicated.

Indeed they sound similar if we use the dictionary definition.

In relationships.... ultimatums are usually used to try to get the other party to perform a desired behavior, or to quit an undesired behavior.

Boundaries are used to protect one of the parties from harm when the other does things that hurt, or fails to do things that are needed for the relationship to succeed.


You can't make him do anything. You can choose what you will do when he does the things that hurt you.

I said once your posts sounded like a cry for help. I don't believe that part has changed much.

It seems that you want so much for things to be OK, but even after all this time, they are not. You have given him so many chances. You wonder if you should give him more. Part of you says yes, keep trying, and part of you wants to walk away from all the pain.

It's difficult for you to know if thoughts about, and feelings for OM really do affect your decisions. You have no "control" to compare with.

I understand that you desire happiness. I understand it is very difficult to cope with what has become "normal life" for you. Of course, I don't know the depth of your struggle, , and I haven't shed the tears you have shed. I am trying to imagine how it must be to wake up each morning with this weight, and lay down to sleep at night with it always with you.

I am very glad that lots of others have commented. I think you understand that you do have choices, but none of them choices you feel you can accept.

If you feel you cannot leave, and he will not leave on his own, you may have to force the issue - if you want anything to change.

I search for some way to say that everything will be fine in the end, but the real possibility is that things will not be fine.

You asked:
No doubt in my mind. My H will do what HE wants to do and just lie about it. If he does break them, then what? Do I just leave? Divorce? What are the consequences or what should they be?

We can discuss what choices you have to pick from - but we can't decide which ones you choose. You are standing at the cross road, and it is for YOU to choose. I wish the road map was more complete - well marked with rest stops, but it is not.

I know God will give aid when it is best that he do so. He knows how to best do that, and he never makes mistakes. I hope you trust him, and listen for that still small voice of the spirit when you pray. It often comes only after long struggle, and much pain, and after we have done all that we could do on our own. I promise you he is there, and that you are not forgotten. I hope you feel reassured when you read this - that he is there, and that he does know you, and care about you.

Saturn Rising wished you good luck. I have noticed that we tend to make our own luck, depending on how we cope with what happens to us. I believe you will have good luck in the end. Not sure why, but I do.

I encourage you to talk some more about what you see as your options.

Please know that people care about you.

What is your biggest concern right now?

SS