So where do I send her or where can I point her?

She's going to think if I assume a mantle of leadership, the perception is that I’m a self-proclaimed expert in how to get over this…it has to come from a neutral third party doesn’t it? I just don’t want to foster animosity between her to me (anymore than is already there) by me assuming I have all the answers. I don’t! Far from it. I wonder if I should get a book (obviously Surviving an Affair is needed) and use that as a roadmap for WW to refer to.


What is she and OM afraid of? I don’t know…the light of truth as far as I can tell. The fallout so far is almost dare I say, textbook. Classic by the book the way I've seen it play out here time and time again. But my exposure to OM’s parents was what really did it, even though WW’s mom did call her. She of course wants to know why and doesn’t and won’t understand that part for some time, if ever. And trying to explain my actions seems hollow and condescending. How do I get her off that line of questioning and where do I redirect?


I’ll do this. Do you have any other templates for this? She’s going to wig out about this, I know it. It’s going to be perceived as MY demand, something coming from me, and not her. If it doesn’t have sincerity now, I wonder if it’ll be something she buys into. We’ll see.


That's the trick, isn't it? Yikes.


Thanks ML...this is good boilerplate which to use. I’ll certainly invoke this.

I guess I’ll have to play it by ear as to how long to let her spool down, go through withdrawal, before trying to proceed with healing and recovery.

Is this usually invoked by the WS or by the BS? And how do you know when to move on this?

Well, women like men who are leaders, we don't like wimps. Your FIRST order of business will be to make sure contact is ended, CR. That has to be achieved before you can even seriously contemplate recovery. Then you have to carefully introduce recovery ideas while she goes through withdrawal. It may take a while before she is interested in recovery.

Get into counseling with the Harleys. They will be worth every penny and guide you both through this. They are expensive, $185, but they will assess your situation and give you a PLAN. That will put you on the right track. They are COACHES, not counselors, so your sessions will be FEWER and more productive.


I have a feeling that OM is either married or did not know that SHE was married. I think that is why it is important that you call the OM and have a chat with him. Call him up and ask him if he knew she was married? Ask him what his intentions are with your wife.

If she asks why you did it, tell her you are sure sorry she is upset but there was no reason for the OM's parents to not be clued in about the affair. It shouldn't be hidden. And don't expect her to like it. If you take the crack pipe from a crack addict, they arent going to like it.


Tell her you would consider this a good will gesture on her part and the first step in EARNING your trust back. You have been through so much and you would appreciate her sending this letter FOR YOU. This is the least she can do if you are willing to forgive her.

I have a feeling that OM is either married or did not know that SHE was married. I think that is why it is important that you call the OM and have a chat with him. Call him up and ask him if he knew she was married? Ask him what his intentions are with your wife. Ask him to END ALL CONTACT for life with your wife.

I wanted to make sure you see this, CR. I would call him TODAY. It may well be that he did not know she was married. MY H'S AFFAIR ENDED THE DAY I CONFRNTED THE OW FOR THIS VERY REASON.

No, I’m pretty sure OM is not married. My exposure—albeit brief—to his parents would have drawn that fire out, I’m certain and that’s for OM to then handle.

I know for a fact that he knows WW is. No question there, that’s for sure.

So you’re suggesting I do call him? I thought the letter was the end-contact final statement. I guess it can’t hurt that I initiate it (since WW has already claimed she has ceased contact—I’d know pretty quick if that weren’t the case). I will call him and keep it above board.

Yes, call the man up and identify yourself as WW's husband. Tell him you know all about his affair with your wife and ask what his intentions are with your wife. Ask him to commit to ending ALL CONTACT FOREVER.

HOW do you knwo the OM is not married? If he is married, that exposure would likely CEMENT the death of this affair.

You would ALSO ask her to send the letter. That is her GOOD WILL GESTURE to you. If her affair is REALLY OVER she should have no problem with this.

Mel- Should I ask WW for OM’s cell number or just try to do it blind? I was going to send her an email asking for it and also stating that we will draft a letter together to him that will end it. Is that OK?

p.s. if he rails about your call to his dad, ASSURE HIM that you are not finished with exposure if you find out there is ANY CONTACT. You were JUST GETTING STARTED! <---tell him this...

CR, don't complicate this. Just pick up the phone and call the man. If you ask her for his # you will be forewarning her and creating additional complications.

I would talk to her in person about this letter. When will she be home?

She got home this morning, and I imagine tonight will be a rather strenuous ordeal for all of us. I’m going to remain calm, steadfast, let the barbs glance off me. I need to be assertive but not condescending, bold but not portray myself as a victim too much, and insist on the healing process.

If I’ve done one thing remarkably well, it has been the consistent repetitive drumbeat that I believe we stand a chance if the OM is out of the picture. She disagrees, but I am at least relieved—although not satisfied—that there is movement there, whether its borne of desperation or not.

I will call him. Wish me luck, sure hope this doesn’t get nasty as I fear he will bring up my communication to his parents. Balance, composure, confidence, solidity. (Can you tell I’m pumping myself up here?) &#61514;

You are doing GREAT. You really are. This is NEVER EASY, but the fallout is WORTH IT, CR.

If he brings up the call to his parents, tell him there is more in store if you discover any more contact. Tell him you will what it takes to save your marriage. Also let him know that your WW has told you the affair is now over.

You are doing really well, crossroads, better than many in the early stages of MB's. Bravo, keep going. This is all forward momentum in attempting recovery.

Hey, you wouldn't have to 'tell his parents on him' if he were acting in a manner commensurate with being a grown man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

And why would he have any issue with you calling his parents? You simply told the truth. If he has a problem with that, he ought not to be doing things he doesn't want exposed.

Well, I can't find the phone number for the OM after numerous attempts. He's not at work today, which was the only # I had.

Also, WW sent a vey heartfelt note to me and her parents.

It brought a tear to my eye and tells me that she is sincere--I pray--about reconciliation.

I am praying for you too! Beware and watch your back! Do not show your cards. This is a very fragile time and you should be very careful.

Her "sincerity" will be demonstrated by ACTIONS, CR, not talk. Talk is CHEAP with a WS, do not ever forget that. Watch her ACTIONS and don't be diverted by TALK.

All drunks sincerely "swear" off alcohol, but they are usually back at the next day or whenever they can get folks off their back. BE CAREFUL and do not make the mistake of trusting someone who has NOT EARNED TRUST. Understand?

Lets see how she reacts to sending the OM a no contact letter and opening up her life to you.

Can you access her cell phone bill?

WW just earlier sent an incredibly lengthy and heartfelt note to our parents and me. She states she has broken off contact with OM, and wants to work toward a resolution with me. It was an honest soul-baring note but focused on her parents, my parents, our history as being “pleasers” and it also sadly had a tone of self-pity to it, that all of the events and circumstances were forced upon her. Once I collected myself after reading it, I thanked her for the email and acknowledged how hard it was to do. Her response was that even with OM out of the picture, we won’t work and I have to accept that. Talk about mixed signals, more lies or misleading statements! I hope that is just the anger of the exposure talking, but she remains just dug in on no reconciliation.

CR - please do yourself a favour and just smile sweetly when she says "no reconcilliation" this is to be expected.

DO phone OM
DO ensure NC

See my friend, EVERYTHING changes with NC as she will withdraw from her addiction. YOU then become a viable alternative again - so you continue to do a plan A. She will most likely start to recommit to your marriage.

NC is the KEY to this.

Be supportive and loving as she withdraws.

www.intellius.com
Under the INFORMATION SERVICES tab there is a people search. Click that, and fill in OM's name and state. Also, you can check court record online, for the state that OM is from, to see whether he's had any problems with the law...

This is where I got OW's address and home phone number. I also got a list of OW's relatives. I paid a one time charge and got all of the phone numbers I needed. Very small price to pay to get exposure over with.

Don't pay it any mind at all. You will accept nothing of the sort. As long as she is married to you, you expect her to remain faithful. As long as you can get OM out of the picture, this has a CHANCE. She doesn't know what she wants. Stick to your course and ask her to send the OM a no contact letter.

Don't let her divert you.

Well, where do I begin?

Last night was one of the most difficult nights of my life. Right now, I am physically, emotionally and spiritually drained. I’m not necessarily flagging in my position—OK, I am—because I’m just vulnerable now and even though I didn’t think she could hurt me anymore, she is. I’m not handling this well.

I got home after work yesterday and WW was listening to her iPod on speakers (sappy stuff you’d might expect), crying, not wanting me to talk to her at all. She didn’t want to eat with us at first but then did, making an unnecessary comment in front of the kids in the process.

After dinner, we talked at length in the kitchen. After the boys went to bed and she went out to tanning bed, I went to bed…having still been wiped out from Sunday and exposure and everything else. She later woke me up, wanting to know what I told the kids. I told her, and admittedly I didn’t give them the gory detailed truth. To the point that a few folks made about being brutally honest with kids, I don’t necessarily agree—I think that can brutalize them. I had been having talks with both about making choices, since they—like all kids—do stupid stuff and get into trouble. I just noted that Mommy and Daddy are trying to sort through some grown up feelings and that Mommy’s choice in how to deal with this has been in another town. My DS6 was confused as well and told WW later that he thought his behavior was to blame for WW not being around, something I vehemently made clear to both of them. So even in the most Spartan ways of sharing this kind of info, things get lost in translation with kids. I clarified with him this AM and will continue to be very aware and sensitive about this. Either way, they’re in the hopper on this now but remotely.

Back to the show.

We then had a several hours discussion, filled alternatingly with tears, rage, calm discussions, and everything in between. I took a shot to the face in fact and a few other physical altercations which I didn’t respond to except to restrain her and told her in no uncertain terms that that was unacceptable and would not be tolerated…that is a line that is uncrossable. She tried to kick me out of “her” bed…literally kicking me repeatedly, and in one of the few moments I spited her back I said that I wasn’t the one who defiled this marriage bed, I’m not going anywhere. She went to the guest room, threw a portable fan across the room. Later…

On the flipside, AFTER this crap, for the first time probably in the 10 years we’ve been married, we both identified and acknowledged that we didn’t communicate well with each other…it’s so cruel to me that we both know WHAT we did wrong, we both acknowledge it, yet she cannot get past my lying to her, nor all the events of the past—her being the dutiful SAHM, sacrificing herself on my altar, etc. Some of it I know is legitimate heartache, which also we didn’t properly address or communicate to each other. But it was also somewhat self-pitying as well. She wanted me to know that it’s over, she has no love for me, does not want reconciliation, thinks I’m a jerk, etc. Our talk about communication though was calm, reasoned, I was quiet and collected, stating that if we just had this realization, then why wouldn’t we try to fix HOW we communicate? If not for our marriage, for our lives? I hit my rock bottom, she evidently hit hers long ago (in silence), and we’re out of sync with regard to the phase of where we are both at in our relationship.

We were reasonably calm at that point and wanting to go to bed. We slept in the same bed incidentally. I also put the olive branch out that we need the white flag, to drop the weapons, so that any talk of a treaty could occur.

Regarding Exposure Turns out she got a call from OM, who was inquiring if I had tried to call him at work yesterday, I had tried and told her as much. Curious that he would assume I had initiated it, but since his job is not one that fields a lot of calls, I guess it might have been suspicious. She raged about this as well, because I had verbally committed to her no more phone calls, in the context of exposure as that was the discussion Sunday PM. Well, that much was true, it wasn’t an exposure call, and semantics notwithstanding, I didn’t want to split hairs with her. I told her I wouldn’t call OM at work, but that I would call him at some point and within the next 48 hours, her approving of not. (This AM, she reiterated that request, almost begging on the phone on way to work this AM that I not call OM at work). It reeked of desperation. I tried to steer clear of WHY I exposed, because she wouldn’t understand and I tried not to say it in those terms lest I come across as condescending, which didn’t work either.

Clearly, the exposure thing is VERY raw and she is scared.


Regarding the A: She stated that her break from OM was indeed permanent, yet she is trying to protect him. And the heartfelt note that I mention from Monday? She said she wanted her and me to work through this to get a resolution…note the tricky wording, not reconciliation, resolution. She admitted to me that her plan was to be with OM, which means the severing is not permanent…total duplicity and yet she thought this just fine in the fog of her mind. So if her master plan is to go for divorce and then reunite with him, then why go through the charade? I broached the no-contact letter (didn't hit this full bore because of the turns of the conversation) and she said she wouldn't do that, wouldn't be transparent, etc.

Kids: She sent me an email stating that maybe she was paranoid or CYA, but I verbally told her that the kids wouldn’t be pawns in this thing. She wanted me to put that in writing. She said she would never prevent me from having a relationship with them if I would make the same promise to her. I don’t know how to respond other than to tell her that I will always have their best interests in mind no matter what happens. I’m in a lose-lose no matter what here.

And on top of that, we have a mutual friend who has been of good counsel to both of us (at least to me) and I spoke with her often yesterday. She’s been a neutral go-between, and even that WW took after me about…”are we in grade school, you need someone else to pass me a note from you?” all that stuff…

I am in ******. I feel so torn, so betrayed, so hurting, and don’t know what to do. I want to ride the storm out, I really do. I want to reconcile, and that’s my ultimate goal. That is not her desire at all. She says she’s staying because of the imminent financial situation and once that gets resolved (ie: selling the house or something) she’s gone.

I feel like I’m cracking up.