Well, things really hit the roof today since my posting the earlier note.

I sent her the email I had meant to send on 21 April after she once again went to see OM. I texted her and said I can no longer lie to the kids. Her response, “For the record, no one ever asked you to lie” is what prompted me to give voice to what I had been wanting to say for some time. Ironically, this was also Exposure Weekend—that Sunday. For whatever reason, I never sent it to her. It also included two of the Harleys’ articles on infidelity and kids and such.

So today I added more current commentary to it and sent it to her. Here is the email:


Then my email continued:

(Thanks to Silent for that line!)
So there we are…kind of laying down the gauntlet and I know the tone might sound strong, but I need to be strong right now. I’m tired of being a doormat and punching bag, yo-yo’d all over the place. (This is all in a lead up to my doing the Plan B).

So then I talked to her on the phone and she said she thinks some time apart would be good. The tone and overall approach by WW has changed. She wants to leave. I told her to go if she wanted to. She framed this as if she were asking. I told her she didn’t have to ask, just do what you need to. The familiar refrain of “obligation” continued to come up. I told her not to do anything she didn’t want to do out of obligation, especially since it has been making her miserable and I’ve borne the brunt of it.

We pretty much rehashed the past (for about the umpteenth time) and I guess I can sum up our marriage in one succinct paragraph:

After all that we’ve been through, I’ve decided to look forward and not be doomed to the past. She is haunted by it. If her attempts at trying to fix our marriage (which she claims lasted for months) didn’t work (for whatever reason), then find something that gets results. I discovered that was I was doing was unhealthy and tried to do something positive that would get results. Alas, I want to try, she refuses to.

That’s the epitaph I guess. Problem is the funeral is going to get ugly.

Today was the first day in almost 11 years of marriage I didn’t wear my wedding ring. Through all of this, I reflected every morning when I put it on. It wasn’t a repetitive mechanical gesture at all. This morning, I just couldn’t do it. My heart wasn’t in it. And I figure that sadly, tragically, that means that I’ve finally come to grips with the fact that my marriage is over.

I have a pending appt with a lawyer.

Your marriage is not over until the fat judge sings.

You prepare for Plan B; fight the thick fog that has enveloped you along with your WW. You will break free from this and be much more clear. You will not allow revision of history and you will see what your M was like.

Nothing is etched in any type of stone, no ashes have been strewn. She's a perfect candidate for the brute force trauma that is Plan B. It's an invisible assault on the wayward, and they have no idea where it's coming from. They want to blame you, but you are nowhere to be found. They want to place the hurt on you, but you're not there for the beating. They are left holding the bag, and they FINALLY KNOW IT. Any destruction that happens from that day forward is caused by their actions.

Stay strong Crossroads. YOu will not know what is happening or how ugly it is getting if you do a great Plan B! Ultra dark and silent. She will not be able to vent and will either have to deal with her problems or find some place to bury them away, which is not your problem. You improve yourself, open up to those kids, comfort them, focus on them.

Do the Plan B to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE! The end result will not be known until the end, so anticipate nothing, assume nothing, just quietly, peacefully carry on with your life.

So, go see lawyer (CHECK). Start looking for resources to help your children through this awful time, and continue that Plan A up until the Plan B letter is handed over (a good copy of Plan B letter can be found in the pages of Surviving an Affair). Find an intermediary, talk to them about what you are attempting and how they can help.

Also, just so you know, Plan A is not about being a doormat. You SHOULD be honest and open about what is happening to your family, without disrespectful judgements. You are not attacking someone's character when you speak of what is happening. Generally, women don't like pushover's anyway...

Silent-

Thanks for the thoughts. But the more I reflect on this, the more I too realize this isn’t all about the affair. Ie: if that ends and she puts it behind her, we still have serious problems…problems that she has made clear she is totally unwilling to resolve. And that’s the crux of this whole thing—that with the fog of the affair, it’s impossible, but even if not for that (a purely subjective and presumptive statement admittedly) I don’t know if the ice would melt at all or enough to even warrant a true reconciliation. And the problem is, I can’t sit on my butt perhaps to my own detriment waiting to find out, holding out foolish hope while my life gets taken from me.

I guess I have to admit that my resistance has worn down and I’m losing my faith in a positive reconciliation. I just don’t know if it’s possible.

And I can’t pull the trigger on Plan B until or unless she has an option to depart. Financially, that isn’t possible right now, so it would be suicide. I would risk injecting instability for us all at a time when I need some stability for the kids. In other words, I’m not backing down from my intent or desire to do it, but I am hedging on the whole leaping before I look thing, especially with the legal ramifications (which I won’t get into right now in this forum until some are effected).

I’m literally and figuratively at a crossroads, hence my handle…I made a massive 2-column list on a few sheets of a legal pad that broke down whether I should keep trying/I love my wife/I want to reconcile/GOOD versus It’s done/I don’t want to stay/BAD kind of thing. Numerous compelling statements for each really and it didn’t help my decision making at all, only added to my confusion.

Add to that the fact she’s probably going to go visit the OM this weekend, and it’s the perfect storm brewing, about to come ashore.

Crossroads,

When it comes down to it, is there an option of kicking her out? What I mean is, can you put force behind making her leave, like, packing up her things while she's away on her mini vacation, and putting them in storage, changing the locks on the door, and telling her where she can get her things. Yes, she can go to a judge and get back in, but SHE would have to do it.

If you feel like you are ready to face a D, then what is stopping you from enforcing the boundary of no triangle relationship? Your children will be a part of this now or later, either way. I just wouldn't go gently, but that's me. I would rather have a court order to let my cheating spouse back in, than to sit and wait for something to happen.

However, this is not fully MB's, I guess. I just wouldn't harbor her, if you can afford it.

Look, regardless of what the marriage was like before, she is a cheating spouse. It's wrong. No if's and's or but's IT IS WRONG.

Getting legal counsel, and kicking my WH out were two things that I did, and I DID want to save my M, no lists were made, no weighing out anything. I needed to save myself from his tyranny and save my son too. I was a mess when WH was around, and that was NOT good for my son. Plan B, for me, was about saving my M, now, it is about serenity.

The problem is that kicking her out now, changing the locks, all that stuff has a very BAD appearance in court. It's not viewed well. Would I love to do it? Sure! But I also know that if I want FULL custody of the boys, and want to not be another victim of the bias against men in divorce proceedings, I have to bite down hard and proceed deliberately, methodically, and within the confines of the law and do so in a way that won't result in it getting rammed back in my face adversely.

Right, I get it. Let the law take care of things. Just be sure to document every time that she goes to be with OM. Maybe consider hiring a PI in the area that OM lives so that she is 'caught' on some sort of film. Any phone calls or emails that you have intercepted, save them. I don't know where you reside, but checking out how the LAW looks at infidelity is always good, in terms of what you can claim/counterclaim if D filing occurs.

Believe me, documenting the A isn’t a problem whatsoever. Well done already by me, and besides, she’s not really looking to deny it! That is, quite literally, among the least of my worries.

She did go to be with OM this weekend. And ironically, she had planned to be back yesterday afternoon to do a project with the boys for my mom for Mother’s Day. Didn’t happen. And her planned return earlier this AM didn’t work out either, so she’s getting back after midday, will probably skip work, and is missing an event for the kids at school today that she also planned to attend.

I did find out from counsel some of the more interesting tidbits about divorce law in TX. And the attorney was very gracious in recommending we use a collaborative process up front and try to come to common ground about the kids. Moreover, she suggested that we do split up, that she moves out, that you make a finite plan to effect that, and if she doesn’t, then you go for a temporary injunction. Just throwing her stuff onto the lawn and changing the locks is literally the LAST thing I should do, she also said.

So I’m going to bite down hard, try to find common ground, but be emphatic in saying she needs to leave the house. Should be an interesting week.

Wow, great, Crossroads! I'm so glad that you go legal counsel. If you can get her out of the house, you can do plan B, so here's hoping. The children are going to suffer, no matter what happens; never fool yourself into believing that as long as you reside together, they'll be fine. They hear and see more than they ever let on.

I did not just throw WH out and change the locks. I did ask him to leave, which he did (guilt probably), and did change the locks eventually.

You are doing a great job, here.

Thanks SL!

The thing is, I’m really honesty and truly torn. I do not know fully in my heart if I want to be married to her anymore. Even a few month ago, that wasn’t the case. Trying to look at it objectively, like an out of body experience, I want to say I’m being objective, but might not be. I admit that. That the reason my feelings are what they are is exactly WHY I should do Plan B!

Because I need to protect my feelings for her, just as the “script” calls for, and that she needs to realize that she can’t be a cake-eater playing both sides. Moreover, I seriously do think she needs mental help. I can’t beseech her to do that though.

Either way, it’s going to be a real struggle. I will probably have the talk with her tonight or tomorrow night, we’ll see.

Crossroads, you GET what MB is about, and you KNOW why you are feeling that you may or may not WANT the D. You witness her packing up her things and leaving to be with OM, and offense to you, her children, her family, her friends, and herself. Your respect for her dwindles down to nada, meanwhile, you are left holding the bag, all of the reponsibility of the life that the two of you built together.

It's no wonder that you may want a divorce. If you can separate and get her out of the house, that is what will be best for ALL involved right now. Well, maybe not for your WW, but everybody else.

Crossroads, you are very perceptive about MB and understand what you could be doing to prevent your loss of love, so you know that the longer this continues, the more likely YOU will not want recovery; that would be a shame for your children, don't ya think? She won't get help until she is face to face with herself, facing her problems ALONE; no nice little net of family to catch her.

I think you’re on to something here. At the risk of patting myself on the back, I think I might have had that “SHAZAM!” moment, where the switch finally was flipped. I had read and followed the Plan B process and had even drafted my own version of Plan B, waiting in the wings. It was my own voice and some words, inspired and borrowed by a few other letters I had read on this site. But I think now I DO get it.

The necessity to do Plan B to PRESERVE my feelings for her—the few good feelings I have left—is critical. I don’t think I was at that point even as little as a few weeks ago. I was still mentally in Plan A mode, even though things were spooling out of control. Now I’m finding myself harboring some animosity, and the fact that she wants this to be handled amicably just makes me madder. I’m finding myself disciplined enough to absorb any body blows that come my way and not let it affect me, yet I’m also discovering a very unpleasant feeling that I don’t WANT to just let it bounce off me—I’m mad! My respect for her is in fact dwindling as you suggest SL, and while I’m not against hard work, I also realize that I spent all day Saturday doing the lawn, several loads of laundry, cleaning the house, busting my butt, foregoing golf with buddies, and still helping my Mom get moved in, all so she could go galavanting around with OM having fun, free of all such burdens of responsibilities. And having to deal with the kids wondering why Mommy is in Dallas once again.

She has systematically discarded her relationships throughout her life- friends in HS, friends in college, sorority sisters, former neighbors, mutual friends, you name it. She’s not been terribly ambitious about any of that, or in doing what is now considered “obligatory” deeds of being a wife and mother.

Silent- you hit the nail on the head, literally and proverbially. I hate to see her suffer, but she is, she’s in a fog, lost in her own insecurities and emotions, angry at the world, lost in a self-pity play, and I can’t do anything to help her right now. I can only help myself and my family by forcing the hand that will end this game once and for all, with the resolution hopefully being a positive one.

We're here to help as best we can. What you are about to attempt is going to be tricky. I get a bit hot headed sometimes at the injustice that is doled out regularly to the BS, so I can be rash and say "Chuck her sh!te out, change those locks!" I will also advise legal counsel. To me, money and love don't go together. Money must be methodically decided on and taken care of and enforced with everything you've got in your arsenal. Love, well, that's what the plans are for; preservation.

Believe me, it took me a long time to extract myself from thinking my husband was soooo different than any other wayward, he was going to run off and never return. I was wrong, but I would have been filing for divorce now or sooner, had I continued communication with the wayward husband. It's painful at first, because we think it's about us, then it just starts to piss you off, as the detachment takes place. It's just best to cut off communication until you are absolutely CLEAR on your goal, separate from your wifes actions.

I hear you about the house too. It's a lot of work when you have an intact M, but then when you have to do it all alone, AND add the insult of visits to the OM, while asking you to keep quiet so as to not hurt the CHILDREN. Well, you know that's just bullpucky. Hence, the need for detachment...

Amen! I went through that same process too—thinking this is all something we can work through. Logically, I think that’s the case, but when a WW has their soul somewhere else (along with something else and THOSE needs being met) it makes it darn near impossible. And logic isn’t a factor when the WW is totally stuck in the mud, unwilling to back off of their original stoic position of “It’s over, it’s done, I want out,” rinse and repeat…

You know, the other thing too, and it took the lawyer to remind me, is that if I go for broke and drop the hammer now (strike hard, strike first), it makes the subsequent disposition more difficult because divorce decrees are not permanent—they are continually and can be amended and changed. So it doesn’t do me any good to go blitzkrieg right now because it too could cost me. And that pisses me off to no end too, because I’ve put up with all of this for so long thinking I would be able to get one big release of that pressure by dropping the bomb. I guess that’s what you refer to with the detachment and the phases of emotion that you go through—that’s all clear to me now too.

So yeseterday was fun.

WW drove me to work after dropping my car off at shop. She mentioned that Spamalot was playing here later this month. I said she should go with OM. After all, we need to eliminate discretionary spending. She wanted to talk about our situation in the car then. I told her that after pondering more on her words last week about wanting to separate that I agreed with her. I said that I too wanted to collaborate on settling our affairs (pun intended) to avoid costly and avoidable legal fees that neither of us can afford. I told her that financially this will be tough enough—I invoked the sum of the parts is greater than the whole rule, except that in this case, it’s inversely proportional. Therefore, we need to eliminate discretionary spending as much as possible which is what kicked off the conversation in the first place.

I suggested we make a list of commitments to each other and document our pledges (per attorney's advice) and suggested we also make a list of bills, debts, and square things away. WW agreed. Obviously the house is the biggest concern as it is making us financially co-dependent right now.

I then suggested she move out. WW wanted to know why. I told her that inasmuch as I want to do this amicably, I have welling animosity that is becoming more difficult to contain. I’ve become a more disciplined person but am truly battling with my feelings. As I told her via a letter, I cannot watch the destruction of my family and life, so forgive me for agreeing emphatically with you that you should leave. I told her the boys are the #1 interest and I thought that entailed her staying here as opposed to moving to the OM's city.

I said I’m sure she and OMhave talked, but don’t know to what extent but we need to decide sooner rather than later instead of waiting for what OM might do in terms of transferring/relocating here in the fall. I also said we need to make a detailed co-parenting plan, do research, and prepare earnestly for how to tell the boys, help them with the transition and beyond.

WW returned to the financial question. I told her candidly I don’t know how we’ll make it work. Then I gently put it out there that while we are both accountable for the resolution of things, ultimately she is responsible for the decisions she has made. Her job situation, moving/not moving, etc, are all not my concern as much as her moving out. I said this with the clear intent in the back of my mind to execute Plan B. I used the example, and apologized for the harsh perception, that she had made her bed and now has to lie in it. That was the end of the conversation.

Later Wed evening, we all went out to eat--WW, the boys, and my Mom. When she had returned from the bathroom, she had her phone in hand. I thought—mistakenly as it turns out—that she had taken it with her. I snidely asked her how OM was doing. She grabbed her purse, sunglasses and left right then and there without saying a word. Once again, I have to answer the boys questions about where Mommy went and why. Uncomfortable to say the least.

Was Mother’s Day weird for anyone else?

Man, talk about a conflicting emotional day. I have to admit to having bad feelings and ill spirits yesterday. I just could not reconcile “celebrating” Mother’s Day with a WW who is in the process of leaving her family for OM.

“Hey Happy Mother’s Day WW!! I’m going to lavish platitudes upon you and spoil you for being such a great selfless mother to our two wonderful boys. Oh yeah, the boys and your husband to whom you’re royally screwing over you cheating ******!” Yeah, how do you bite your tongue? It was tough.

I really struggled with it.

Last week other than the aforementioned discussion of 9 May, things were rather calm. We didn’t pursue any other discussions much to my chagrin. I need to almost force the issue to talk about it, because I sense a strange conflict with WW—she wants to leave but doesn’t want to take the steps necessary to do so.

I guess that’s classic par for the course, but I need her input on some things. I’m ready to put the house up for sale as either of us cannot financially afford it on our own.

We’re separating cell phone plans now, and because she was added onto OM’s plan, her number wasn’t portable so she is changing to a new cell #, one in that area code, an omnipresent reminder.

On top of that, and I think I mentioned it earlier, we learned of a few other couples that are also getting DV. One of which is a close lifelong friend of mine and she is struggling too. So a lot of emotions at play and I feel rudderless and lethargic.

I completely understand your emotions here as I felt the same way last year at this time when my WW and I were in the process of separating.

In Plan B she gets nothing and will experience what it is like to be divorced.

BTW, I enjoy your wrting style.

Thanks HTW...

I want to pull the trigger on Plan B now but am too vulnerable financially to do so; it’s weighing on me heavily as I feel the timing is right. I wish I could unload the house thus removing the only real roadblock right now to doing it.

I think she’s in for a real shock, as just this past week (now that she is sleeping in the guest room) I’ve withdrawn. Nothing but cursory business. I rebuffed her attempt at hugging me last week and told her quite candidly that I feel very conflicted by that. I told her that it feels good, but since I can’t have what I want and can’t have my needs met in our relationship there was no hope in pretending or in allowing myself to feel comfort by an obligatory gesture. She hasn’t seen OM in a week and I am waiting for her to spring on me that she’s going up there this weekend, but I see she is lacking the attention she so craves (rather narcissistic). I’m not trying to be spiteful to her, but she needs a cold dose of reality.

I wish the Plan B could come NOW to do it.

Well, WW was flying back this AM from being with OM all weekend since Thursday afternoon. Already icy again. WW text messaged me saying she was on the flight; I responded with a short “OK” because I was on a work conf call and she popped back with a whole diatribe about my hating her and how she wants to get this all taken care of quickly. Granted, things are sterile, but I’m having a hard time pretending nothing’s wrong, or faking some positive attitude about all of this.

I want so much to set a good example by being normal and loving and caring, but can’t sit idly by pretending this isn’t happening. And on one level, I think it makes her uncomfortable because she has a foot in both worlds and wants to maintain the perverse status quo, which I cannot abide. So some part of me wants it to be uncomfortable for her, as it should be. I feel terrible for even thinking like this.

I need to kick Plan B into gear. I talked with one of my best friends in the world Friday night for a few hours, who is going through marital problems of her own as well, and besides commiserating, she too agreed that things can't go on indefinitely as they are.

Crossroads, you are definitely heading in the right direction. She needs to be gone very soon, and you need to get out of the triangle.

How soon do you think she is trying to move? Can you try to Plan A a bit before she goes? I know it is not easy, maybe just be happy--just you, not necessarily toward her, but make those changes in you, starting now. Look at your R, and what about you you do not like while IN IT. What parts of YOU are not condusive to a happy M; you will need to work on these tools in order to maintain ANY good R, why not start now?

You definitely need to kick that Plan B in, CR, you are losing loving ground here. You are also losing respect, for each and every time that she goes to see OM and comes back to her nice, comfy home, with her family, she sees she has control. Truth is, she only has control of herself, but you know that, she doesn't. She needs to see you take control of YOUR situation. You need it, too.

I'm so sorry about all of this pain, but Plan B will give you solace, but it takes just the kind of planning that you are doing. The conversation you had with WW was brilliant; well done. You did not LB (as far as I know?) and you were open about your hurt.

Honestly, I always thought my WH should be uncomfortable, and I'm sure he was, living in a strange environment, living off of the kindness of friends, over staying that welcome, forced to make decisions that no one WANTS to make. I'm sure it becomes hard, and rightly so. Why should you feel terrible for feeling what you feel. It's a normal reaction to someone hurting you.

Now, about the friend that is having marital problems; be careful here, okay? Don't fall into each others arms or go beyond JUST FRIENDS. That is how affairs start. This is not the time for that, this is the time for working on you, and dealing with your fears. Also, your wife could start to use that relationship against you, and use it as justification for continuing her A. Just be careful...

Well, I don’t know what her plans are. I sent her an email this AM with a draft outline of the action items we need to tackle, including listing the house, prepping it for sale, a full review of all bills, debts and allocating responsibility for same between us accordingly, and the kids. I’m pushing her to move in with a friend here in the interim until she and OM figure out what they want to do. They have their schedule, I have mine. And mine is certainly of more urgency than hers I surmise at this juncture.

I guess the Plan A thing is worth continuing, at least in the interest of not being totally miserable. I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again—I didn’t understand the motivation for a Plan B until now. I thought I could go on with Plan A into perpetuity. But now I can advise others when they ask that infamous question, “How long should I go with Plan A?”

The answer is, you just know! And believe me, I do know now. But to maintain my happiness, I should suck it up, keep chugging along, and put my best foot forward.


And that’s the hammer on the head! And why I too have struggled with the aforementioned continuance of Plan A. Part of me has said, screw it, it’s over, why pretend? And part of me knows that I need to be the bigger person. I can’t fake being nice, but even being neutral has made her feel as if I’m being a jerk. I can’t control that, but another part of me WANTS her to feel uncomfortable—she SHOULD feel awkward dammit! This is her doing, this is her cake-eating escapade, and I’m moving on doing what I need to do for the sake of my children and my sanity, my soul and my life.


Well, I don’t think she would know the concept of LB if it bit her in the butt. But yeah, I was candid, perceived probably as brusque but I can’t keep obsessing about how I’m going to be perceived because it’s paralyzing my clarity.


OMG! That is totally how I’m feeling….per above. I can’t stop the normal feelings, and even the normal disciplined approach I’ve taken in Plan A has been all that more difficult to effect. But good behavior is a pattern, and I need to just gut it out.


Copy that. I know that could be an issue. I could go on about this one at length but I’ll digress for now, as your advice is sound.