I got some new information this week from OWH. He has asked his wife to move out “to sort out what she wants”. I have told him about MB but he is not on this board. He has done some sort of plan A though, giving his wife more attention and improving himself (he actually looks nicer now then when I first saw him, he is slimmer and is wearing nice designer shirts instead of baggy t-shirts). I am not sure what he is planning but apparently he does not want his wife in the house anymore.

She has moved to an apartment (on the fifth floor) 30 minutes away from their house. She does not have her own vehicle (they have saved the money to pay for their house) and their two children age 2 and 5 are still staying with their dad.

I am not at all sure that I want my WH back. He does not seem to be the same person anymore and I have started thinking about his bad habits and all things we do not have in common. Why would I want a man who is not up to my standards and who is treating me like dirt?

But I am still curious about the development of the affair (I know, I should not spy on WH but at least I am not giving him a clue that I know what is going on). OW alone in a hot apartment, without her children, without a car and only WH to fulfil her needs (which BTW are immense according to OWH). How is WH going to have time for his extensive exercise routine and late TV-shows? Let reality kick in on them, I am going whitewater kayaking and will not be bothered :-)

On a side note, H has wanted us to learn whitewater kayaking together, now I am doing it without him and enjoying it. Man, will he be disturbed when he finds out!

Good job! The more the OW has to sacrifice to continue the affair, the more chance of it ending. Don't make too many decisions right now about your marriage. It is too soon. Wait and see how this all plays out.

Thank you believer! Although I did not do any of the job but I think OWH did some ;-)

I know that the purpose of plan B is to protect my feelings but I still think that WH will miss me. We have always had active vacations and weekends, hiking, biking, kayaking at sea and travelling around with as little luggage as possible and we have had so much fun together. Even if OW is living alone she will probably spend a lot of time with her children and from what her husband has told me she is not interested in doing the things my H likes. The idea of them steaming in a crowded apartment and getting to know each other better is quite entertaining.

Sometimes I get so sad and so heartbroken when I think about how WH has left me and does not seem to care at all. I get flashes of times we have shared, I remember things we did together when we were really young or just last year and it feels as if my husband is dead. He was always the most loving and reliable man anyone could imagine and that person is simply not here anymore. He was my best friend and I think I was his best friend too. Please don't tell me to get AD's for this, I think it is more grieving than depression.

I don't even think he is infatuated anymore like he was from the start. When the affair started he behaved as if he was mad and he said that OW was taking over his head. But now I think the problem is just that it is so hard for him to face what he has done and he can't imagine how we could possibly build a happy life together. He probably thinks I will never be able to trust him again and maybe he is right.

Yesterday I ran into a friend’s friend (she was roommate with my childhood friend at college). I haven't seen her since last summer and we talked for a few minutes. Then she asked me if it was true that WH and I have split up, I said yes but didn't explain any details. She told me that she ran into my WH a few weeks ago but he pretended as if he didn't see her. She was quite sure that he did see her and she said that he seemed to be guilty. How on earth has he come to the point where he pretends not to see people out of shame?

I think I need some encouragement today. I miss my husband so much and I feel so hurt and so rejected. How can he do this? We have been lovers and best friends, how can he choose to turn his back on me because of OW? He has been the love of my life and I have been the love of his life but now he doesn’t want me anymore and I feel so completely worthless.

His birthday is two weeks from now and I really want to send him something. Even when the affair had just started and he was madly "in love" he came home to congratulate me on my birthday. Would it be negative or positive for plan B if I would send him a card or a small present for his birthday?

Would it be good or bad to send a card to WH on his birthday? Any opinions?

Half of the time I am ready to file for divorce and half of the time I am ready to wait for WH to come to his senses and get back in our marriage. I would appreciate any comments on my thoughts.

When I am thinking about divorce I feel that WH is not mature enough to go through recovery and that he has chosen to have an affair and leave me just because of a few stressful months. He has told me that he has loved me for all these years we have been together and that he loved me deeply until last summer. Than I neglected him for a few months when he was down and OW started talking to him and made him feel good about himself (“dog” is the word that comes to my mind). A few weeks later he took off and has not done anything to recover our marriage after that. What kind of man is that? Not the kind you want as a father for your children!

When I feel that I am prepared to stay in our marriage and go through recovery it is because I feel certain that he is my family and that he will always be the man of my life. I see WH as a depressed person who is running for something he thinks will make him happy and who felt that I was neglecting him when he needed me. He has been a good man, we have not always been a happy go lucky couple but over all I can’t imagine any better man. I can’t see myself being intimate with another man and even less living with someone else. I also believe that the affair will end in one way or the other, their infatuation must have begun to fade by now and OWs family situation is probably putting tension on their relationship.

I have been thinking about my alternatives and it seems more and more attractive to divorce WH and hope to find another man. I have been thinking about some good men I have met through the years and that maybe I can find someone really great. Just to get this straight, I have not been involved in any EA. The men I refer to have not been close to me in any way, we have met professionally or through friends and we have not talked about private matters or even socialised.

But I recognise that they are intelligent, friendly and attractive, I share a few interests with them and some of them could be potential partners if I would be single. I am not convinced anymore that WH is the best possible husband in the world (obviously he is not when he chooses to have an affair but also as a husband I can think of some areas of improvement). I don’t believe in soul mate crap but I believe that different individuals have different qualities and two persons can be more or less suited to build a happy and functioning relationship together. Maybe I can meet someone who is a great match for me AND who can stand a few bad months without lunging out the front door?

I did not send anything to WH for his birthday and I am glad I didn't. I miss him so much and I want to see him and speak to him but I will not do it. He has to come to me and he has to fulfil my conditions, if he doesen't he can stay in his wayworld and I will go on with my great life.

Unfourtunately my life is not so great but I am working on it. I have lost contact with several of our common friends, they probably feel awkward about the situation and don't want to take sides. The last month I have made some new friends who like to do kayaking and I have also started to see some old friends I used to hang out with before.

One of my friends has invited me to a party on Saturday and I really want to go but I think that WH will be there. Now I know that I should tell my friend that I want to come to the party but I can't if WH will be there but I just can't ask him to shut WH out. I will go to the party, I will look absolutely stunning and I will be the most charming and cheerful woman in the place. If WH wants to speak to me I will tell him that I want to speak to my husband instead (in the spirit of Orchid).

I don't miss my WH anymore. I don't long for him to be in our house, I don't even remember what I liked about him. The only thing which would be nice about living with him again are all our common memories but memories are not something to build a life on.

The one thing which keeps me from filing from divorce is the thought that the affair will end and he will feel terrible for everything that he has done and that he has lost me. When I think about him being sad and lonely I am just crying my eyes out. He has treated me like sh*t and still I care so much for him. Doormat anyone?

Some updates on my general life: I am quitting my job since I have got a new one. I really look forward to it, it is much more suitable for my professional training and my new colleagues seem nice. I have got some new friends and we are spending time together. I am out kayaking a few times every week and tomorrow I am going for dinner with some old friends that I have not met for a while. Things are getting better and I am getting better. I am happy most of the time, I am fit and tanned after a great summer, I eat well and sleep well and have started reading books again.

I just got some news about what is going on with WH. Apparently he is taking unpaid leave and will be away until October 15. He is going travelling, I did not hear to where but my guess is New Zeeland. He loves travelling and we have travelled a lot together in the past.

OW is not going with him. From what I've heard she is struggling to keep her head above the water with two small children to take care of, no car, a more than full time job and an energy consuming affair.

I have a mad hope that the time WH spends on his own away from OW and from the affair environment will make him "sober" and realize what kind of life he has been living for a year now. But I know that I can't expect anything of that kind. We will see what happens.

My question is if I should tell OWH that my WH will be away for a lenghty period of time. Do you think that would be of interest to him?

Be sure to tell OW's husband, just in case she tries to dump the kids with him, and head out on vacation with your husband.

It is very unusual for one infidel to take a vacation without the other, so if he IS doing that, I'm very hopeful for your marriage.

OW did not go on any vacation, she seems to be awfully busy coordinating her career and her children. It will be interesting to see how long she can keep everything running. I just hope that her husband is not enabling her by babysitting while she is playing young and single.

WH is back in town and has returned to his untidy room with no curtains. I called MIL today and we had a nice talk, the first in a long time. She told me some news about her and FIL and BIL. I told her what I am doing: my new job, white water kayaking with friends and the new car I have bought. She was really surprised and I secretly hope that she will tell WH some of what I told her.

I did not bring up the subject of WH but she mentioned him a few times. From what it sounds he seems to be really lonely. But he knows what he has to do if he wants to see me again.

Can someone please tell me if there is any hope for our marriage or if I should just file for divorce and move on without WH? It is now one year since the affair started (D-day was just a few weeks afterwards). We have been separated since February and I have been in plan B since end of May.

I don't know if or how much WH is seeing OW. The impression he gave me (or wanted to give me) last time I talked to him was that they were a couple and were going public. But that is not what I hear from people I know at WHs work place and certainly not from OWH. Who should I trust?

As I wrote, WH is still living in his shabby room. OW has rented an apartment but from what I know it is not fully furnished and her husband is still in their beautiful house with their children. It seems like such a fantasy world, as if they have escaped reality since neither of them even cares to set up a home for them self. OW still does not have her own vehicle, I don't know how she and her husband have solved the arrangement for their children, and she is away on business trips half of the time. I don't know what WH is doing but he is not seeing any of our old friends.

In one way I wish that OW and WH would move in together so that the fantasy world would become real. Ironically enough I think that at least OW knows this and does not want it. She is probably keen aware that moving in with a strange man and two small children would cause major tensions in the "relationship". Besides, it seems like she does not want people to know about the affair. She is sitting on a comfortable fence with her faithful husband at home with the children and my WH to play around with. WH is not really sitting on the fence anymore, he does not know what I am planning, but if the affair breaks up he will probably be keen to climb over the fence to the other side again.

I miss him so much and I know that I was not the best wife I could be. I want to be a good wife, I want to show him how much I care for him and that I want him to be happy. I want to talk and laugh with him and share a good life with him. I wish that he could remember our happy days together (there have been many) and not just the bad times.

I would appreciate any opinion or advice.

I am in plan B and has been so since beginning of June. But I am thinking about seeing my WH once. There are two reasons for that:
-I feel that I have made big changes to myself after I saw him last time. The last months I have been so happy and my friends have told me that I am sparkling. I have made new friends and I am taking care of the friends I rely on and I am generally happy which I wasn't the last time I saw him.
-I want to find out what I feel for him. If I still love him I will stay in plan B but if I don't I can't go on like this, than I need a D.

I consider calling him and telling him that I want to meet him out for dinner because there is something I want to know. He will probably just come there and if he asks me what I want to know I will tell him that I want to find out if I still love him. What do you say?

It is much better to stay in Plan B. You sound like you are doing well. The affair WILL end, and you just need to wait it out and keep making changes and improvements.

Thank you believer, again!

I have heard that from others too, the affair always ends - except when it doesen't. My WH is one of the most stubborn persons I know and he has some weird philosphy that you should not regret anything since you can't change the past. Ending the affair and returning to our marriage would mean that everyone would see that he has made a huge mistake. He left since he believed more in a relationship with OW than with me and if he returns he was apparently wrong and he would not want to admit that even to himself.

That is also why I don't know if I love him anymore. A good man (or woman) should admit when he has made a mistake and try to make up for what he has done wrong. WH just wants to run away and is not ready to face what he has done.

Honestly I don't understand how the affair can go on, it must be very exhausting. But I don't know if my H will return when it ends.

I never thought my ex's affair would end. They both gave up so much - and the were "SOULMATES". But it did end, and very suddenly. I never found out the particulars because my ex would never tell me and OW knows that her husband and I talk.

Most affairs DO end, and then the WS is as nasty and ugly to the OP as they were to the BS. I read some on the other woman site, and it is unbelievable how cold they are when they finally see the light.

I have been thinking some more and I feel that either I have to file for divorce soon or I must see WH and find out if I still care for him. My husband seems more and more like a ghost to me, like someone who has ceased to exist. I guess I have been successful at moving on, maybe too good... I have so much to do, I have my new job, my new interests, new friends as well as old ones.

So, I can't sit around waiting for WH and the Woman out of her mind to start hurling things at each other (although the thought of WH being nasty to her is rather appealing). I have my whole life in front of me and it will be great and if WH does not want to come along I have to go by myself.

If I can see him and can believe that my husband is still somewhere to be found I can make it a little longer but I can't go on being the wife of a non-existing man.

I called WH two days ago and I will meet him tomorrow. When I called him at 7 pm he was asleep in front of the TV. I told him that I wanted to see him and he said "OK" in a very unemotional way. I asked him when he had time and he said whenever. I on the other hand have a lot to do, yesterday I went to a concert with a friend, tonight there is a party at my workplace, on Monday I will be meeting my environment study group and I have to prepare for that on Sunday. So Saturday was the only option for me this week and he accepted it immediately.

Of course happiness and quality of life is not proportional to the number of appointments in your calender but I still think it is miserable if he just spends a lot of time at home, alone, in front of the TV. Probably in standby mode to go to OW whenever she has time for him between her children and business trips. MIL gave me the impression that he is rather lonely.

Maybe it is not wise to see him but I feel that I have to for my own sake. Besides, if he sees what he is missing and compares that to his present life it might not seem so fun to continue the affair. We will see, I don't expect anything expect waywardness.

How was lunch?