I will stay in plan B until I have given up all hope for our marriage. But I don't know how to handle the pain I feel sometimes. Some nights I dream about my husband and how he used to be, how we used to be. Than I wake up and I can't understand why he just throws it all away. I think about it over and over again and the only conclusion I can come to is that he really is a ******. I think about other men that I know and I can't imagine them abandoning their family and going out with another mans wife.

I am staying alone in our house with our cats. Last week one of the girls I play canoe polo with told me that she has to move out of the apartment she is renting and has nowhere to stay. She plans to move to another town and she need a place just for a few months. So I offered her to stay in my house until then. I think it will work out fine, she is a nice person and we have both been staying in dorms and shared apartments when we where younger. I like to have company and she gets along well with the cats too.

But I have to clean out some closets and make room for her and when I do that I constantly stumble upon my WHs belongings. A jacket here, a pair of boots there, his badminton racket... It all hurts me so badly. I can't even imagine what it would be like if we would have children, first of all because the affair would hurt them so much but also because that would make it impossible to ever have WH out of my life. It is bad enough to have all these memories of a person who in effect does not exist now.

I can't understand what he is doing now. If he has not broken off with OW he is lying to me, that would explain why he is hiding. But if he is not seeing her he must have made up his mind that he does not want to do anything to have me in his life. I think that he has been depressed and probably still is and it is just to difficult for him to face what he has done so he is hiding and trying to run from his own guilt.

One way to handle it is just by walking through it, feeling it and praying to G-d during it. It's like a wave, it just comes when it comes and there is nothing you can do to stop it, other than feel it, allow it be and then move forward. Not an easy thing to do or say that it doesn't hurt, but it's one way to handle it.

I get so lost here too. Remember what Mimi says, they are addicts and the only thing they care about is their next fix. He lives in a fog, there is no figuring out what's unfigurable. He lives in insanity and we don't.

Everyone on here kept telling me the same thing... You have to focus on yourself, learning a new life and learning how to take care of yourself one step of the way.

You can do this, you have a lot of people supporting you and talking to you, who believe in you. You aren't alone. In my sitch I am getting ready to go into Plan B. But I have to understand that this is something that could be for the rest of my life. The rest of my life I might have NOTHING to do with my best friend and husband. It's killing me. But how I will get through it is G-d and one day at a time. Just like how I quite drinking and got this far.

I'm praying for you Why.

Thank you Queenie! It means a lot to me that you are praying for me. You sound like a wonderful person and it seems like you are really improving your life, I am so happy to hear that you have managed to quit drinking.

I have realised that there is a pattern in how I feel. Everything is quite Ok during the weeks when I am up and about and busy with work and activities. But the weekends are killing me. When I have plenty of time to sleep and do whatever I feel like the thoughts of WH and how messed up everything is start whirling around in my head and I feel really miserable. I believe that I have to make a plan for how to handle weekends. In priority order:

1. Plan activities, lots of fun and good company. It is skiing season and I have a new snowboard. Maybe I can team up with someone from my new job or from the kayaking and spend most of the weekends outdoors? Before I know it, it will be summer and I still have a lot of white water kayaking skills to learn not to mention that I like to go touring and hiking. And I have lots of friends that I want to see, I can visit them and get out of town for the weekend.

2. No sleep-ins. I will not stay in bed and think about things I can't do anything about.

3. If all else fails I will just go to work and use the time to get something done. I have flexitime and can basically work whenever I want to. If I spend a Saturday at work I can have an extra day off and go skiing or kayaking with some of my friends on their holiday.

I haven't had any contact at all with WH for two months. He knows my conditions but he doesen't seem interested.

I know that if he doesen't return to our marriage by his own will he is not worth any more effort. But I still feel so sad. It is so stupid and it shouldn't have to be this way. I can't believe that he just wants to cut off everything that we have been working so hard to build. No matter what he says I think that his guilt is eating him. He has betrayed everything that was sacred to him and he has hurt me beyond description.

I don't know where to go now. I think I will just try to find peace in my mind and faith that everything will turn out for the best.

At least I can do a list of everything good in my life:
-I am healthy and strong
-I have no problem with money and no legal problems
-I have a rewarding job, not rewarding in money but in satisfaction and intellectual challenges
-I don't look too bad, at least not in my new jeans
-I have good people around me and I take care of them
-I have a loving father who encourages me to do the right thing
-I have the opportunity to do fantastic things like snowboarding and white water kayaking
-I am good at many things like mending stuff (I am an engineer!), cooking, dancing, I have taste and can make a room or an outfit look classy
-I am social and rather fun

I am sorry if this got self centred but I am really trying to get to a point where I am happy with myself.

I got a mail from my WH. He has not contacted me for a long time but he wrote to tell me that he is looking for a new job, he said that he wants a better salary.

WH and OW met at his workplace and she comes there on a regular basis. From what I know they have stopped "seeing" each other. If they don't meet at his workplace I guess that there will be no spontaneous contact between them.

I understand that chances are small that our marriage will recover but at least I feel relieved that the affair seems to be running out of gas. Lala land wasn't such a great place after all.

I just found out that MOW will give a talk about her job at the Rotary Club. I don't know much about Rotary but I looked it up and apparently the organization aims to "encourage high ethical standards in all vocations". How well does "high ethical standards" coincide with someone who initiated an extramarital affair with another married man who she met professionally and let it continue for more than one year? Well, I shouldn't be surprised. I know that there are WSs who met their affair partner through church. Yuck!

I'm a bit upset right now and thinking about exposing the affair to the Rotary members or even to go to the talk just to have a look at her. Most probably I won't do anything. Exposure seems meaningless at this point. Besides it is a really bad idea since I would only do it to make her look bad.

From what I have concluded, WH and OW stopped seeing each other in March and my friend has told me that she is using her husband's last name again. When the affair was in full swing she used her maiden name instead!

I guess I just need to vent. Any thoughts?