In my situation, my eldest daughter (then 13) figured it all out for herself because of OW pestering our homephone. I answered her questions honestly and confirmed an A. She went to pieces that night - I felt she lost that beautiful childhood innocence that comes with KNOWING your parents would never do anything to harm you. That's how I grew up and probably why I was so stunned and blind-sided at 40 to discover my husband's A. I hope that my daughter will grow up a bit wiser than I did.

I didn't want to tell my twins (then 8). One of them is a pretty smart kid though and asked me, in his absence, if dad "had a girlfriend". My confirmation brought tears that lasted a whole night. We cuddled in her bed and she was definitely an altered child for a couple of weeks. She was found crying hysterically at school in a corner over 'a book being lost' and it was at that time everyone at school was made aware of our situation (I work at the school). That was hard.

My third daughter is asthmatic. BEFORE I told her about her dad's A, I should have got her to use her puffer because we ended up in ER at 1am with her having a severe asthma attack triggered by panic/stress/upset. Can't even think about this night without upset because I didn't handle it right. I assumed her twin sister had told her what was going on when I started to talk to her when, in fact, she knew nothing.

Thinking back to this is very painful to me but I'm glad they know. TT

Oh, LG, that gave me a chill. How terrifying for a child in that predicament. Probably very similar to the situation that my mother suffered at the ripe old age of 5 when her father left, and her mother said nothing, or nothing good.

LG, trying your hand at cat herding? lol You may find that to be a disppointing endeavor. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

tucktummy, my son is four almost five and this all began right after his third birthday. Poor kid has been put through the ringer. Aside from having your daughter prepared with her meds, you did well.

No matter how much we try to hide from them, the moment that the A happens, their worlds change, forever.

Aphrodite:


This is yet one more example of adults who did not get help for their infidelity issues. You took the lesson one way.

Another way might have been with another child that adultery is probably a really bad idea. I also got the full treatment when I was a kid from my mother bleeding all over me about my (hated) step-father having an ONS with a hooker when he was out of town. I had a hard time handling it at the time. I saw up close and personal how hard it was for her to deal with it. The effect on me was for me to keep my fly zipped around married women (as a single guy) and to honor my vows when I got married. But hey, I am a guy and maybe females are different, you think?

Welcom to MB. I note that you are what could be called a wayward. Don't let Mrs. W run you off. There is a place here for you - but be cautioned that how you think today is going to be very much different than how you think at a time in the future when you rebond with your family, if that is what you want to do. There are plenty of stories here that will give you a different perspective on the subject of affairs than you might get just from your immediate personal experience and social circle.

They let it all hang out here for the most part. And this is a pro-marriage, anti-affair recovery forum. That is the way it is. So pro affair entitled comments are not well received, mostly because the people here have been there, done or seen that and they understand way more than you will believe at this stage of your life. In other words, they understand the difference between cognitive justification and reality.

Mrs. W once danced in your shoes, so she is way better qualified to understand your mind set than am I. In other words, how you think now is NOT how you are going to think when you are in a different place in your life. Her reaction to your thinking is living proof of that. I must confess that I was a bit shocked that she went off on you like that, but I guess she had her reasons. Perhaps she could sense that your personal experience with infidelity had not conditioned you as well it might have to the utter emotional devastation that affairs bring to the landscape of life - to the millions and millions of those affected.

If you have some issues you want to talk about, by all means start a thread. You will find sympathy and real advice. Do be prepared to have people challenge your mind set. And they might not even be kind about it. But if you are honest in wanting to figure out where you are and where you are going, this place is pretty good at helping.

Larry

Larry, I think her example has nothing to do with infidelity and children, but rather, fighting in front of children and using past affairs as weapons. I suspect our good friend, aphrodite, is here to defend AFFAIRS, not children, given her attitude.

Aphrodite wrote:
So I doubt she will get much sympathy here. Sympathy is better reserved for victims, IMO. She is not here for help, so don't worry about MrsW, or anyone else, "running her off" of "going off on her." She deserved at least that for crowing about all her OMs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> If she wants to come here and crow about all her OM, she may have a very rocky road in her future. Crowing about all your affairs on an anti-affair forum may result in having your [censored] handed to you. On a platter. I know I will be first in that line. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Hopeful

So far, nobody has addressed your point. I am not trying to be unkind, but lack of paragraphing makes your post hard to read and that might be the reason; they overlooked what you asked.


Very, very good issue. I will think on it, it is NOT trivial, nor is it easy for me (maybe it is just me) to deal with your question.

I hope that someone with more experience than me can jump in here and say something that helps. Affairs seem to branch off from the family tree - but the spin you take is unusual, at least in my mind, but also valid. It needs addressing.

Larry

Hopeful, unless you EXPLAIN to her that it was wrong and WHY it was wrong, she will grow up thinking it is PERFECTLY FINE. Your silence indicates approval. She senses it was wrong, but if you neglect to give her moral guidance and VALIDATE those feelings, she will conclude that her instincts are WRONG and learn to DOUBT HER INSTINCTS. This will create great moral confusion.

This is why it is important for parents to tell their children and give them the MORAL GUIDANCE they need. They don't have the judgment or maturity to guide themselves, that is the job of the PARENT.

My mother was SILENT about my fathers affairs and we all grew up profoundly morally confused and some of us are SERIAL CHEATERS who don't know right from wrong. AS A RESULT. My brother is a serial cheater because my father, the serial cheater, DID give him moral guidance that my mother failed to provide. He taught my brother that "you have to do what makes you happy, son." He is a serial cheater who is shacking up with a married woman he met on the internet. Like father, like son.

Larry & MelodyLane,

Thanks for your input, & my apologies for my previous post being a bit unclear!

ML, we did explain to our DD & DS that what Daddy did was morally wrong, and why, when we told them of the A. However, we have not spoken to them about the issue since. I have occasionally asked each child if there is anything they'd like to discuss re Mommy & Daddy's relationship, and each always says no. My concern is more whether or not we are doing the right thing in shielding our children from the work we are both going through to recover from this and the pain it has caused. From their perspective, Mommy & Daddy always had a civil, friendly relationship, but not particularly affectionate. Then the news that that "Daddy had an A," and now suddenly Mommy & Daddy are hugging, kissing, holding hands, going out on dates & telling each other "I love you." Do you see my concern? I certainly don't think the kids should be privy to our discussions, see my frequent tears, etc., but I also don't think they should have the mistaken impression that if you have an affair, all is easily forgiven and within days life is back to normal, in fact, even better!

I hope that is clearer than my first post, and thanks again for your comments <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hopeful:

Yes, I understood your point. I am still thinking about it and hopefully someone with a similar situation or at least the knowledge from somewhere, will step up to the plant.

Larry

Hopeful, I think you can be assured that your children understand the hurt and pain you went through because of this affair. Kids can sense their parents moods and can feel the tension in the air. I think what they see is a couple that was badly hurt by an affair, but was able to overcome it. I cant think of a more impactful lesson than that.

Larry...If someone TRULY wants help, nothing or no one could "run them off"-gosh that's a tired message 'round here...Please understand that I am simply not that powerful...

I initially came here spouting fog myself, and I can assure you that NO ONE "pat patted" me about it, nor should they have...Telling someone the TRUTH about their actions is the BEST thing for them...Aphrodite is a grown up and needs to hear just how horrific her actions as a WS are-based upon her advice given thus far in her posts here I do believe the present tense fits...Her behavior with multiple OMs is FAR more offensive than anything that I can say to her...


Sorry you were shocked there Lar, but I would hope that Aphrodite's triteness regarding her ACTIONS would be FAR more shocking to you than my calling bullsh*t was...

And Larry, I'm a big girl, if I think it necessary for me to temper my messages, I will...Thanks though...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W

Hiya Mrs. W.


I was far more involved in the thread subject than anything else. And that is where my focus was devoted, not any cognitive garbage people use to explain themselves to themselves for lack of a solid moral compass. For whatever it is worth, I got run off a forum recently for being too harsh with waywards. And I didn't lose any sleep over it.

I saw that string of little blue men and said to myself, Mrs. W???? Wow... She is not a happy camper. Never seen her do that before. And yea, I get it. You're a big girl, go get git em, as they say in Texas.

Larry

It's all good Larry! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And you know what? I'd be glad to offer Aphrodite support if she chose to ask for help...So far though she's been spewing a lot of fog 'round here and just trying to raise a ruckus, kwim?

Mrs. W

Hopeful:

Ok, I thought about it. Here is my take.

It is up to you to talk to your kids that there are some lessons in life that even grownups can learn. The lesson that you and your husband have learned is that forming an emotional relationship with someone you are not married to is not a good thing when you are already married to someone else.

Often these kinds of deals are a symptom that something was wrong with the marriage that each should have been working on to fix but didn't, for whatever reason. Your dad and I have figured out what was wrong and fixed it. Since each person in life has their own sometimes different issues, what we did and why isn't important.

What is important is that at least this one time, you guys should learn from our example and not go out and try what happened to us to see if it has a postive result for you. Most of the time it doesn't. We got lucky and we worked at it and one of the reasons we did is that we have you guys to think about.

When the time comes when you start thinking about love and a family of your own, you can trust us to suggest both the right way to do it and help you avoid the wrong way, which almost killed our marriage. We love you. We not only want you to be happy, we want you to be happy because you learn to do the right thing each and every day for those who put their trust in you hands.

Larry

how sad for you children to have a mother who can say "my past OMs"

Not really, because they don't know anything about it and since I'm quitting, they never will.

MelodyLane,

No, I'm not defending affairs. In fact, I'm quitting. Why else would I be here?

As for crowing about my affairs - no, I said OMs because saying "OM" would not be truthful. I'm not going to lie to look good in front of a bunch of people I don't even know, especially while in the midst of trying to get OUT of the habit of lying to people whose opinions I DO care about.

What I AM defending is children against being used as pawns by one parent against the other. And I think that's what happens 90% of the time one parent decides to tell "the truth" about the other. People say hurtful things all the time in the name of "just being honest."

Yeah, if there is an actual separation, I agree you need to tell them what happened. But unless the ex or WS is being completely unreasonable, what about telling the kid TOGETHER? And agreeing to something beforehand that is age appropriate and somewhat objective? I haven't seen a single post about cooperating with the other parent on this issue.

And who asked me about my husband's request for a divorce? He always has a different reason, and usually one that makes no sense - not just to me, but to other people I talk to. It's only been recently that I caught on to the fact that this is a pattern and that I can't take his words at face value.

MrsWondering said:
Aphrodite is a grown up and needs to hear just how horrific her actions as a WS are-

Your approach leaves much to be desired. I'm already fully aware of the horrific things that can happen IF I get caught. Unlike most WS I am not looking to leave my husband, nor have I been caught. There is no separation, no need for a plan A or plan B. I suspect my efforts to stay connected with my husband while simultaneously carrying on affairs have not been altogether successful and THAT is what woke me up. There is a lot of information about the harm of discovered affairs, but not a lot about undiscovered ones or harm that happens BEFORE discovery. But that's another thread...perhaps I'll start one unless someone beats me to it first.

Aphrodite, suggestion: if you are here to learn, take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your MOUTH. You are hardly in a position to help anyone here when you can't even help yourself and clearly know NOTHING about Marriage Builders principles. [please note the sign on the door, that may clue you into what folks are here for]

We are here to learn Marriage Builders principles, not the "principles" of some fogged out wayward spouse who can't even help herself.

If you really want "help" then start your own thread and ask for it. But fix yourself before you commence fixing others.

So Aphrodite...Start and thread and ask for help...Stop trying to give out advice when as an active WS you are in no position to do so...

Based on your "IF I get caught" comment, I'm guessing that you intend to keep your affairs from your husband, is that correct?

Mrs. W

P.S. I like my posting style which is EXACTLY why I use it! Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Aphrodite wrote:
============================================
IF I get caught. Unlike most WS I am not looking to leave my husband, nor have I been caught. There is no separation, no need for a plan A or plan B. I suspect my efforts to stay connected with my husband while simultaneously carrying on affairs have not been altogether successful and THAT is what woke me up. There is a lot of information about the harm of discovered affairs, but not a lot about undiscovered ones or harm that happens BEFORE discovery. But that's another thread...perhaps I'll start one unless someone beats me to it first.
============================================

So, are your children your husbands' or the offspring of the other men?

I'm not going to verbally beat you up. I am going to tell you the truth. You won't like it, and you probably won't believe it, but you will not be able to run from it.

Here it is; If you don't tell your husband the truth, it is going to eat your guts out. Slowly, insidiously, inexorably, it will gnaw at you. There is no escape.

You can run. You can drink, self-medicate, chase other men, divorce, remarry, move away, but it is always going to be with you, no matter where you go, worse with every passing hour.

There is a way to minimize the pain, and that is to come clean - NOW. The longer you wait, the worse the damage to you and everyone involved, that includes your children.

All the best,
Gimble