What do I do when he stops talking? Leave him alone or continue to try and make him laugh and come out of the funk?

I am in Plan A for only a month. I need to get my butt in gear.

either one.....

If he is mopey and depressed, detach and go about your business HAPPILY and CHEERFULLY. Do not let his mood get to you. (BTW, it is very stressful destroying a family and living a second life....no wonder the poor baby is mopey and depressed....)

Or if you are good at cheering him up -- give it a shot.

People like to be around people that make them FEEL GOOD.

I can always bring that man out of a funk...but he is ignoring me right now. Should I continue to try or just give up for now and wait til he comes back to me?

I have a lot to learn in case you couldn't tell!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

let him pout.

just don't let him dictate all the terms of your interactions.
Nobody likes a doormat....confidence is sexy...

OK. He texts he wants to come over tonight to see the girls. I have questions about that. He always makes a point to say it is "to see the girls" even after all he has said to me today. I reply yes you can come over to only see the girls.

WH: I will be over around 6
Me: OK. I will be sure to put something sexy on
WH: Ah no that won't work
ME: What makes you think it was for you??
WH: Oh Please
ME: Don't be so sure of yourself! Ya know...I do have friends and people who want my attention and time.
WH: Thats great but I know you are a beautiful woman. You won't be alone, I will be alone because I want it thatway.
ME: If you wanted to be alone you would have divorced me by now

no answer.....

If he is so sure he HAS me...is Plan A really a good idea? Or is this just plain arrogance. Please explain this to me. He has like 10 different personalities going on here. Do I change to accomodate each one???

I did tell him ZERO us talk. AGAIN!

HM --

He's doing everything he can to resist you....because its disloyal to OW. Plus he's this far out of the relationship and is scared to get pulled back in.

Do your pulling a little less forcefully. Entice him....don't push.

Plus don't play around with the jealousy thing. It will not work for you, it has to be subtle. You're married, act married.

here's a link for you to read about plan A and Plan B...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0&fpart=1

Once again, i agree!

He is creating in his mind that I have a boyfriend! He came over the other day after helping me because I ran out of gas. My babysitters EXH helped me by bringing me gas and money. WH finally calls and says:

WH: I am on my way
Me: Don't worry about it, D is coming to help me
WH: OK, I will give D the money when I see him tonight
Me: Not that D
WH" OH! DP??
ME: NO! Not that D either..look I have to go...Just come over when you can...
WH" WHO IS IT!! D WHO!! Make him stay there until I get there
Me: Look. he is Angies friend. No biggie!


Later on...he asks if he could help make dinner. He then asks "Shoudl I make extra for your BF? Is he coming over later?" I said no. Take some home to your GF...so he slightly aggrivated says I DON"T HAVE A GF. I DO NOTHING FOR HER SHE DOES NOTHING FOR ME. I SLEEP ON THE COUCH AND PAY HER $10 A WEEK TO STAY THERE. I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH HER...

That was all. No more R talk. And it was playful until I mentioned her.....

Why does he get jealous? If he doesn't want me, then fine! Go away! But he won't! Since I started talking to him again...he will talk a lot. But he still pulls the promising to come over, and then not following through with even a phone call. He called off of the bar last night and was supposed to spend time with us. He didn't! He said he got home late and left his phone in the truck so he couldn't call. And that he fell asleep.

This is getting SO OLD!! REmind me why I am doing this...my heart is starting to break. I heard some info last night that just made me cry. He was more or less telling people how gorgeous she was,and how she gave him the best BJ ever in his truck behind the bar. I cried. He denied it of course.

OH! He also claims he is trying to move out now, and HAS to by June 1 because she is leaving her apt, and did not invite him to come along. Truth?? Don't know...guess we will see.

I just read Bugsmoms post. What a great example of Plan A.

SO..I text WH and say "It is supposed to be a beautiful weekend. WOuld you like to come over and work on the yard?"

He replies "I would be glad to come and help you"

My heart skipped! How silly! He is gonna mow my lawn and I am estatic!

So I made a joke about the lawn being long because a great guy had offered to do it for me, but I got upset one day and told him to stay away. He hasn't been over much lately and I miss him"

WH: What a d!ck! I am sorry!"
Me: But he is coming over this weekend to help me and I am so happy.
WH: Great!
Me: I meant you...
WH: HA HA HA!!! duh...
WH: Want to meet at the park with the girls?
Me: SUre! Do you want me to stay or do you want me to just drop them off?
WH: Please. Don't be that way. Stay
Me: I will see you at 6!
WH: Great!

My new goal is to learn PATIENCE. I need it and am severely lacking.

We had a wonderful talk the other day. I did a wonderful Plan A. He was mentioning be afraid to come home because of things going back to how they were. I kept on telling him how I have been working on myself and how I would spend the rest of my life showing him if he would let me.

After reading Bugs post, I realize that was the right thing to say, and it made me feel so much better.

OK.....2x4. WHACK.

What part of Plan A is nagging him about his affair and crying?????

Answer: IT IS NOT PART OF PLAN A.

What are you trying to accomplish???

This is not about YOU and YOUR need to SAY THINGS TO HIM. It is about meeting HIS needs. How do you think you met his needs in that conversation??????
( YOU DIDN'T....YOU MADE WITHDRAWALS...)

HM - -

I just finished catching up on most of your thread.

Other than all of the R talk that you just can't seem to stop, you are doing GREAT!!

Your WH is interacting with you!! FANTASTIC! He's willing to spend time with you so you GOTTA MAKE IT COUNT!!

You are doing some fabulous things,,,, so stop with the questions and the R talk.

Listen to Lexxxy,,,,,, she's got your back and will tell you like it is. Follow that advice!! Trust me, every time I do, I am never sorry!

Think DIVA - - Think GODDESS - - think of the woman your H originally fell in love with and be that person again.

Ask yourself,,, Why WOULDN"T I want to be that woman again? I bet you liked yourself a lot at the beginning of your relationship. You were a strong, confident, sexy, fun lady! You are STILL that same woman.

If you show him THAT woman again,,,,, that is how you start to get you H back. Be YOU for YOU first!

HM -- where'd ya go?

Someone else told me about this and I was so hurt. I called him and said it hurt me. You are right. That was bad. It is really hard to still hear things that hurt and let them go. I have a problem with that. I know. I am trying harder. I think it was just a huge blow to my self esteem. I have never thought I was gorgeous. I am by no means ugly, but I am not normally the "Diva" I have always been the cool girl who is sexy and confident, but never a model. Thanks for the whack. I meeded it!

We had a really good night last night. We met at the park with the kids and had a great time. I played with the kids. I went down the slide and on the swings and ran around. I also noticed the more I went away from him, he kept coming to me and wanting to talk. At one point I went to walk away and he says "Where are you going?" And with a huge smile I said "to play!"

He got a text and as soon as he looked at it he got aggravated. I asked him what was wrong. He just said "nothing" and looked at me and gave me this big beautiful smile.

He said he wants to do this again today, and he has plans on coming over Sat and Sun. I hope he actually shows up!!!

About an hour after he left, he called me and reminded me that I needed to take a different way to work because they closed the RR tracks by my house. I thanked him and asked which way I should go, so he gave me new directions.

Later that night I sent him a text saying thank you for a wonderful day. I love you and hope you have a good night.

I haven't heard from him today.

Lexxy I don't have internet at my house yet. I can only get on here when I am at work. I am the usual Mon-Fri 9-5er.

Holy:

You heard from a friend that OW gave him a fantasic BJ in the Parking lot behind the Bar.

Guess what?

So What.

You can do that. You can even do everything else.

You get to do all of that in your Marital Bed.

And behind the Bar.

And in the trees while the kids play on the swings.

But OW can't, Cuz she's OW.

This might be TMI for some, but I want you to understand it, because it will make your Plan A much more successful.

My OW would do great OS. Literally blew me away....

THAT was the HOOK. That kept me around. Along with all the heightend danger of getting caught, etc.

It was part of the fantasy.

Guess What?

My W owns that now...

W made a decision, to reclaim everything that OW could claim as hers.

HolyMoly, You need to do the same.

If a friend calls you and tells you that WH said this about OW. Don't call WH and tell him that hearing that makes you feel bad.

Call him up and tell him how you are going to meet with him on XXX Date and you and he are going to XXX and YYY that is so much bettter....

You would have done this early in your relationship, and early in your M. But kids, Bills, Work, Housework, diapers, etc., interfered.

I haven't spent much time on your thread. I will if you really need it. But you have to accept that WH is Wayward, and you need to bring him back, to the new fun, flirty HM that he M'ed.

That is the underlying prinicipal of plan A. To become the woman he married, as well as the mother you became. And to make him realize it.

Ok?

And $10 a week to sleep on OW couch? Come on. How foggy is that.

Offer your couch for $7.50

Kids bouncing on him in the morning, no charge.

W bouncing him at night.... Priceless.

LG

Nice work last night.

Especially not reacting to the obvious text from OW.
Thats what you need to get good at -- not letting her intrude on your plan.

She's a child. Don't even bother considering her as competition. Really. She is so far beneath you its not even worth thinking about....She is a scummy, slutty, piece of trash. Yuck.

You? You are a PRIZE. You are a valuable GEM. He is LUCKY LUCKY LUCKY to be able to even spend a few hours with you.

He called to give you new directions? Trying to be your hero. Appreciate it. Let him be your man!

New rule for you: PLAN A YOUR FRIENDS TOO. Don't rehash the affair and let them drag you down. Show EVERYONE your changes. Don't get stuck in the mud with the pigs! Rise above.

Thanks LG. That did make perfect sense. My only question is how do I do things like that when everytime I try or even suggest something that even has a hint of sexual tones, he shuts off entirely. We were sitting on the couch one night and I started to rub his stomach..then a little lower..and NADA. Nothing! Although that was more than a month ago...

Can you give me some suggestions on what to do? I can smile and be flirty, and that gets his attention. I bend over in front of him and wear great boob shirts. He admits to looking.

The first time I saw him, I was standing with my friend at a bar (actually the one he works at now...how ironic) and I stopped in mid sentence and just said WOW! Well he heard me and started smiling. Right then I knew I wanted to be with him. And I don't know why. We started talking and he asked me out. I was already seeing someone else. Actually, a bartender at that bar, who WH now works with at that bar....when I told him I was seeing someone else he took me aside and said you are very special. I will wait for you. You let me know when you are ready.

I guess I have to do the same for him?

OMG!! Listen to this!!

Me: Hey How is your day going? I have on a short camo skirt with a low cut shirt that makes my breasts look great!
WH: Hey I got my phone bil and it was $120 from all my texts
Me: I am sorry! Should I stop testing u that I am wearing sexy black matching bra and panties
WH: No. I just don't answer my phone half the time. Don't worry I will pay for it.
ME: I was thinking of the time when we drove home after my XMAS party, how we were fooling around in the car.
WH: That was a while ago!
Me: I don't have the kids Sat night, how about I stop by and we do it again?
WH: No that can't happen
Me: Then I will have to do it to myself.

Am I doing this wrong again...am I too straight forward?

HM:

Maybe, maybe not.

Depends on his actions...

You are in a competition with OW. It may seem that she is in a better position, but she ain't.

Because it took a while for your H to become Wayward, it takes awhile to come back from it.

That's why you are in the better position.

Use that.

Show the appreciation for giving you directions...

Text:

WOW, thx for the directions this morn, would have taken me an hour to get to XXX without them. Your so good with Maps/directions/thinking on your feet Bye, Love you!


Ok, the story about you meeting was interesting. Provides context. What happened in the next two years of the relationship?


LG

OK..he text me asking if we are still meeting at the playground tonight. I said Yep and I look forward to it! How is your new job going?

WH: It is just added responsibilities with no raise.
ME: But that shows they trust you! You are a great employee and they know it
WH: They are just using me
ME: SHow them you are doing a good job! You are a great asset. It will be there loss if you leave!


OK LG...The next teo years. After knowing me for about 2 weeks he started spending ALL his time with me, even sleepong over the house. THen he said he loved me and was crazy about me after 2 months. He asked if the kids and I would move in with him. We did.

We lived with each other for about a year before getting married. It was rough because his ex really wanted him back and wrote him letters and such. But she was also VERY hostile. It was messy and it caused a lot of problems for us.

We were married June of 2002. I made the effort to get married in front of his family. He didn't do this the first time, so my whole family trekked to Boston in support of WH marrying in front of his family, We even married in the chapel his mother and brother married in.

Not a lot happened in the next year. Job changes, etc. Then in Jan/Feb 2003 I got preg. with DD. We were happy. Broke and worried, but happy. She was born in Oct 03. At a routine visit for my DD, my Dr said I still looked sick after having been there for a sinus infection 2 weeks prior. He made me take THE test, and it was positive. WH wasn't very happy.

Now he says I had them to trap him. SO NOT TRUE.

OMG..I need advice on what to do next.

Friday night while WH was working at hte bar, he was texting me the whole time about how he has been thinking about us and how much he misses being with me and the kids. He says he has made the decision to that he wants to go slow and start over.

I get a phone call from him at 3:30am and he is shaken. I ask what happened and he at that point was already on his way home. He left the bar that night, went to the OW apt, and told her he is done. He packed up all his things and said we are over now. I am going home to my family and we are starting slow.

As this is going on...she is ATTACKING him. He got to the house scared and COVERED in claw and BITE marks!! She took a ski pole and jabbed him inthe stomach with it, and actually bruised him.

We talked a little about it that night, and the next day we had an AWESOME day. Did yardwork, acted like a FAMILY!!! All day he reassured me he was more than done with her and has been for the last month. He said he swears he was on her couch. AND THIS IS THE ULTIMATE A JUSTICE...he told me that for the last month he has really thought about us. He said that whenever he looked at her he thought of me and the kids. He said she would try to have S with him, and HE COULDN'T GET IT UP!!!! He said she would get pissed. Yell, scream, hit etc. Whether it is true or not, I don't know. But if it is, HA HA!!!

That night he goes to the bar to work. I didn't have the kids so I text him that I was coming up there. He said not to because OW had shown up there. I told him I am NOT accepting this. That he knows I wanted him to quit the bar and this was why. He and I text each other the whole night. I more or less told him this is unacceptable to me. He said the only thing that was discussed between the two of them was the fact that he left some bills and some misc. items at her apt. I told him he better just leave them there.

That night he went to his friend W's house. Well, Sun we were going to the zoo. WH's idea. Instead, he is a mess and decides he needs to talk to W about everything. Well W offers him a room and WH TAKES IT!!

AFTER we talked about him coming home, and he wanted to! I was so upset. I more or less gave him a HUGE PLAN FU. I didn't scream. I just VERY sternly and through some tears told him I DO NOT want him to stay with W. He was home, we had a wonderful day, and then you go with W. That he is so afraid of confrontation that he is willing to give up his family because after 6 months of this, I can't do it anymore. I said I have what I hold most dear. My Kids and my house. I said don't talk to me anymore. Stay away. You can pick up the girls from A, and ANY communications about the girls is to be done through her. You told me you cried Sun morning? BS!! I don't believe that for a second. To cry you would have had to have feelings. I am now dead to you and you are to me. This is over. As of tomm we are divorced. Should you EVER pull your head out of your rectum....maybe we can talk.

Well this morning WH calls and says "I need to talk to you. After hearing your message I really thought about this. I couldn't sleep. I didn't realize how upset you would be about me moving to W's house. Can we please meet at the park and talk and hash this out?"

WHAT DO YOU THINK...I don't want to blow this.