He called me and insists we are not together. After coming over at 9:30, wanting to watch a movie and claiming to be there only looking for his SOCKS...we aren't together.

I said lets set up a schedule for the girls. How about Mon and Wed since you have those nights off?

WH: Fine.
ME: Are you hapyp with this out of curiousity?
WH: Do you I have a choice?
Me: Yes...you do actually.
WH: We aren't together. So wether or not we make it I need to see the girls.
ME: OK...I am not keeping them from you. You can pick them up from R. Anything that is in relation to them, you can call R.
WH: I can't do that
ME: You should have thought of that.

F HIM. DONE.

I got my intermediary in place. Called CS and left a message.

I know it wasn't supposed to be like this, but I couldn't do it anymore. It was now or never, nice or not. I can't hurt anymore. He takes any opportunity to hurt me. It is almost like he enjoys it. I need to be away from it all.

{{{HM}}}

Talk to the sitter and see if she agrees

Call about the status on the CS

Write your PBL and post it here for assistance.

Give yourself a break!

Not all of my posts are upbeat, ya know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. We all get down and this is the place to come when that happens!

You need to do some self care today. Some things I tell myself constantly,, I have made significant changes, I have changes, I hane LEARNED so much about ME and what can make a good M, and continue to work on ME every day, I AM special and worthy of a H that loves, respects, and values ME

Focus being on the ME

No matter what your WH does, he can only take those things away from you if you LET him

So, don't let him!

Show him what he's going to be missing and the let him miss is while you relax in Plan B!

Bug I am really afraid I screwed this all up.

I apologize to you for my part in our marriage. I ignored my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake. I should have done something the night you first came to me. For that I am sorry.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet our needs. But I can not do that until you end your relationship with her and any of your single girl friends once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will not be here when you visit with the kids. I prefer that you pick them up and drop them off. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through R. You can call her at xx and she will get a hold of me.

I as you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know how much I am hurt because of your relationship with her and the other women, and I simply can not be with you any longer knowing that you are still in contact with them. I still love you but I can not see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from her and are willing to follow the measures that were suggest to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other's needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I want to be your wife and lover, and want you to be mine. I want to grow old with you. I want you to be the one I dance with at our children's weddings.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just can not be with you or help you as long as you are seeing her.

WH,

I want to apologize to you for my part in allowing our marriage to get to this point. I have not always met your most important emotional needs and for that I am sorry. There were times when I was not there for you when you needed me most, and now our marriage is in trouble. I accept my part in arriving at where we are today and have already begun to make improvements that would allow us to successfully build a newer and better marriage. I am a work in progress and am not perfect but I desire to be better than ever.

The better version of me wants to avoid the mistakes made in the past and be part of a new life where both of us get our emotional needs met by one another and one where we can grow together as a couple building a strong and new marriage.

However, WH, we cannot do that until your adulterous relationship with ___________ (Call her by name)is over or for that matter any inappropriate relationship with anyone other than me, your wife and the mother of our children.


Until such time as you are willing to stop participating in these relationships, I cannot see you, talk to you, text you, email you or have any communication with you of any sort. This is not to be vindictive or mean, WH. I simply must protect myself emotionally and save the love I have left for the man I married and made my vows to while time still exists to do so. Communicating with you in any way while you continue to openly participate in an adulterous affair is too much pain for me and I simply cannot bare it.

This said, I will not be here when you visit with the kids. You will need to pick them up and drop them off without communicating with me. If there is an emergency concerning the children then you should text me. Any other communication that you desire to have regarding the children will need to be R. She has agreed to this arrangement and you may call her at xx and she will get in touch with me if the message is related to the children and needs to be addressed. All other communication she will hold and not forward to me.

I respectfully ask that you meet my need to remove myself from this painful and disrespectful drama. I still love you but I can not see you under the present conditions. I know that we can build a new marriage together for ourselves and our children in which we both can have our needs met and be happy. We can only do that when I am the woman in your life and there is no other.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from her and are willing to follow the measures that were suggest to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other's needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I want to be your wife and lover, and want you to be mine. I want to grow old with you. I want you to be the one I dance with at our children's weddings.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just can not be with you or help you as long as you are seeing ___________.

Love,

Holymoly

HM,

HP did a great job with your letter!

Now go back through it again, knowing your WH, and see what changes you might want to make. You know him best, so read it with him in mind

Only 1 other thing I want to say and please Listen Carefully!!

YOU DID NOT SCREW THIS UP!

WH is the one that did. YOU have done nothing but try to make changes and fix yourself and save your marriage.

No one - No One does EVERYTHING perfect - and when we are in such a Horrific situation, all we can do is try our best

You have! So stop beating yourself up.

Brush off the dust and get back in your Goddess mode!

Loved it!! THANK YOU SO MUCH for picking me up out of my rut and helping me. I needed a shoulder so bad yesterday.

So how do I deliver this?

So far today he hasn't tried to call. The woman I work with said to me "it is early...and you know he always tries something. Be prepared"

In a sick kind of way...I wanted him to call. That way I knew he was thinking of me. Tonight we were supposed to go to a ball game. He said that once I said I wasn't going to talk to him, he sold the tickets and isn't going. Not sure I buy that one...he lives eats sleeps and breathes ball.

I am feeling better but still kinda down.

HM,

You pick the moment to give it to him in person

However, I haven't heard what you found out on CS, did you write a schedule, do you have your intermediary locked in, have you figured out how transfer of the kids will happen, etc?

Intermediary is set. Transfer is set. WH ISN'T happy. He called me today about the kids, and how this is gonna work, and poor him he doesn't have a choice, he will just have to go along if this is how *I* want it. Don't worry, I reiterated the fact that this was his choice without LBing.

BUT...my SIL K called. She talked to my MIL. Evidently, MIL talked to WH on Sunday after this all happened. HE CONFESSED TO HER WHAT HE DID. She yelled at him. Totally supported me and told him so. Why confess to her? Do you have any ideas on what the point of that was?

It's great that your MIL yelled at him. Frequently, the ILs will support the WS even if they know the behavior is destructive. Why confess? Who knows. WS's make lousy decisions. I think it's a good sign that he confessed--maybe it means [subconsciously] he knows how he's screwing up and is looking for someone to tell him what he needs to hear.

Plan B will have a significant effect on you, too. You will have to go through your own withdrawal. Have you read about any of that stuff on the Killer Bee threads?

Hold the phone here. Did you give him the letter?

Tell us the details of how that went down.

IF you did give him the letter, then you should not be taking his calls.

Bring me up to speed here.

Confession to MIL? Good sign. However, it may have also been an attempt at the 'poor me, Mommy I know I messed up, but feel sorry for me!'.

I'm with BUGS.

What is your PLAN here????

Hi HM:
I didn't reply to you earlier; sorry.

I just delivered my PBL when WH was picking up the boys for a weekend. I handed it to him in an envelope, kissed him on the neck, hugged him tightly, and told him I loved him.

He and the boys left, and I haven't spoken to him or seen him (except in passing) since.

That was March 3.

You think it would be easier by now, that I would have disentangled myself more, but it's just one teeny tiny thread at a time, and it's slow going, as you know from reading my thread!

Oh, I so wish you the best, HM. I wish no one had to go through this.

Let me know if there's anything I can do. Shot me a message on my thread if you need anything, because I have been busy lately and not checking in as much.

Hang tough.

((HM)))

LS

Your turn Holy

You Go Girl!

OMG. I just typed out the longest post about last night...and my computer ate it. I can't rewrite it all so here is the gist...

Gave him teh letter. Uneventful.

AFTER he knew the rules he came by the house when he knew I wouldn't be there.

1) He took a shower
2) He shaved and left his hair all over. VERY unlike him
3) Left the toothpast tube out. VERY unlike him
4) DID HIS LAUNDRY. LEft my laundry in the basket unfolded.
5) Left his laundry garbage bag in front of the door under the laundry shoot with a piece of his mail in it
6) Took an envelope from a card I gave him and laid it on top of the kitchen trash. The card was addressed to "My Baby"

He wanted me to know he was there.

Last night I went to visit my friend J. Turns out WH took her hubby to the game with him. I sighed a huge sigh of relief.

J and I were talking about all this. WH went over their house Sun and Mon and talked about all of this with them.

1) He said I threw him out becuase OW text him. He lied by ommission. I set the story straight. They didn't even know he took that other woman out to dinner

2) They said all he did was mope and not talk and has been that way for weeks

3) He supposedly said he wants to come home. He wants me and no one else. He knows I have the qualities he wants. He feels like I am controlling him by telling him what I need him to do. (this was always an issue btw..if it wasn't his idea..he had a problem with it or wouldn't do it. VERY P/A)

My friend J saw my XBF D on Mon night and they were talking about me. They said I tend to push people away when they try to get close to me. I KNOW I do that. I have tried so hard to stop. They are both worried I am doing this to WH, but this was before they knew the whole story. I have apologized to them both, and I know I need to work on this. But it was hard to hear, given what is going on. They both want to help me.

SIS my plan is have him home. I want to be better, and I want him home.

J and my babysitter both think me ignoring him may backfire. Out of sight out of mind type thing.

I am worrying. When he dropped A off last night I was still there and he didn't even try to come in.

If my computer eats this post I am gonna knock it off my desk......

If I remember anything else I will post it.

HM:

Change the locks.

Throw his laundry in the Garage.

If you are in Plan B, what's he doing in the house.

You have already allowed him to violate the teerms of your own Plan B.

Establish and ENFORCE them.

LG

Thats just it though...I didn't!

The locks have been changed for months. He only got in because I accidently left the garage door unlocked. He went there hoping I had done that. I made sure this morning it was locked.

I didn't go against my Plan B. I swear.

He did his laundry and took it with him, and left me the mess.

I realized I think I left out an important detail..he left work early yesterday because of the game. He went to the house while I was still at work. He KNEW I was at work. Make more sense now?

HM,

Did you talk to him after he read the letter?

I am not yet to Plan B, so I can't help much.

I recommend checking in with the Killer Bees. Those folks know what Plan B is all about.

Read some of their threads.

LG is right. You have to set the boundaries and stick to them. Don't sabotage yourself.

And stop flying all over the place!!!
For goodness sakes girl....calm down.

I sense you second-guessing MB. That he won't respond to "ignoring him" aka Plan B.
You have to believe in this and work it like it is supposed to be worked.

It is TOTALLY normal for a WH to not like Plan B and to try to break it. He's testing you. Have your intermediary notify him that if there is anything he needs from the house to request it through her. Otherwise he will not be inside the house.

Lexxxy I tend to do that! I get nervous! I am afraid while I ignore him...he finds someone else. He is already starting to talk to and take a "friend" out to dinner. He has alredy made the comment that they have some things in common. That terrifies me.