I have been with my wife for 24 years and married for 19. We have had a great marriage and our sex life has always been good. over the past couple of years we may have drifted apart and I may not have given her the attention she deserves.
About 10 days ago I was hit with the bombshell that she had been seeing someone else for about two weeks and he had swept her off her feet.She tells me she has only kissed him and i believe her, she has been very honest with me about everything, she tells me she has very strong feelings for this other guy.
After many tears from both of us and long hours of discussion she decided to stay and fight for our marriage. She has ended her affair and agreed not to contact him, so far she has stuck to this.
We are together and getting on reasonably ok but she tells me she has now lost the spark for me although she does love me i feel like a brother to her. I am sure the spark was still there before she started the affair because i noticed immediately something was wrong and sex up to that point had been great. I am so worried i have lost her i have been reading this forum endlessly for the past week and understand the concepts but am in desperate search of some reassurance that i can get her spark back and this stuff can work. Is this kind of thing normal after an affair, especially if she still has strong feelings for the other guy, she tells me she feels empty inside.
She is a wonderfull and beautifull person, who i neglected and i cant even think about living without her.
Please help

As long as she stays away from the OM, her feelings can come back for you. She is going through withdrawal and her lack of feeling for you is a very normal stage of withdrawal.

I would suggest watching her closely to make sure that the affair has truly ended. If the OM was married, you would want to tell his wife so she can watch from her end.

Another great help will be Dr. Harley's book about affairs, Surviving an Affair. This will help you understand how this affair happened and equip you to fix the problems in your marriage.

I will do a search for the thread on withdrawal and post it. Keep coming here and we can help you through this. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

When you say she has ended contact, you mean ALL contact, right? They should never ever see or speak to each other again.

thread about withdrawal: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2977855

hello brae, your wife is definately going through withdrawal.....her feelings for you will come back with time.....may take a few weeks though. And as melodylane has pointed out, make sure contact with OM is totally severed....otherwise she will be stuck in the dolodrums for much longer. Give it time.

She has severed ties, the problem is they work for the same company although at different sites, 20 miles apart. There is a very slim chance that he has to ring her office but she does not answer the phones unless everyone is busy, this is rare. It has happened once and she told me about it, she just answered the phone and passed it over to the relevant person, it is a very small busy office, no way for conversation.

Had a long talk last night, she told me that she thinks she might prefer to be single as she doesn't have any freedom. I now understand a little more and am willing to allow her more freedom.
When she spoke to me again this morning she said she didn't know why but she felt resentment towards me and very unhappy. I think she is suffering from depression.
She has agreed to give it a few months and see how we go, I think i need to try and stop the questions now about the A and try and start living together. I think the questions are driving her further away. I need to start adding to my love bank

nononono, this is not good. She is not single, she is married. What do you mean by "freedom?" What does she want EXACTLY?

MelodyLane She says that she hasn't always been allowed to go out with her friends as often as she would like. This is normally due to financial pressures but i think maybe i have restricted her a little and could give her a litle more freedom.

braeworth, first off, you are not her poppadaddy and she does not need your permission to go anywhere. She is a big girl with car keys and big girl shoes.

That being said, it would be a DISASTER for her to go out alone with friends. She is a married woman who has just had an affair. The way to repair your marriage is not to start acting SINGLE, but to act MARRIED. YOU should be spending that time and money TOGETHER reestablishing that broken bond. THAT IS WHAT WILL HELP RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE.

Going out with single friends is a INVITATION to resume her affair, I ASSURE YOU. And I suspect this is WHY she wants to do it! ["I need space" is usually the ruse]

You are asking for trouble by agreeing to this. You cannot DEMAND that she do anything, but you can tell her that the best way to restore your marriage is to do enjoyable things as a COUPLE, not as singles.

Her going out alone will destroy your trust and is VERY BAD for your marriage. Don't agree to that!

Did she tell you she wanted "space?"

She has said she needs some time alone, she has a horse and has been going up to the stables. She has been on her own because I have checked a couple of times

BIG TROUBLE. You cannot very well work on your marriage if you are not together. This makes me wonder if the affair is not still going or if she has PLANS to resume it.

In order to recover your marriage and RESTORE TRUST, you need to be doing all leisure activities together. That means spending 15 hours of uninterrupted QUALITY time together. Being alone will only contribute to the detachment that led to the affair in the first place.

I am confident that the affair is not going on at the moment but I do see your point.
I think one of the problems is that i can't stop bombarding her with questions and so she just wants to get out of the way. I know i need to try and stop because she is in the fog and doesn't have any answers at the moment

braeworth, who is the OM? What does he do and is he married?

He is some kind of engineer and is divorced

braeworth--listen to MELODY.

I hate to say, this doesn't sound good.

We are not paranoid over here, we've just been through it. We know ALL the signs.

Listen to Melody ... plesae.

How do you know he is divorced?

Don't know just do.

I am totally confused as to what i should and shouldn't be doing, should i just concentrate on the LB's, should i tiptoe round her, should i be trying to be intimate with her. This has been the worst 12 days of my life.

braeworth, the best you can do right now is avoid lovebusters and watch her closely. That means checking her cell phone bill online, checking her cell phone to see who she calls and any other thing you can do to ensure contact has ended. Snoop, snoop, snoop!

I know it is real appealing to agree to bad ideas now to get back into her graces, such as giving her "space", but let me assure you that this will not help you. Better to firmly, but calmly stand your ground and let her know that you won't agree to singles nights, etc, because they are destructive to your marriage at a critical time where trust needs to be restored. Make no demands, but firmly let her know that you will work on your marriage, not against it.

So, you do know FOR A VERIFIED FACT that the OM is divorced?

And lastly, I know you are scared, but this is not a hopeless situation. If you were happily married before, you can be again. She is acting like a typical wayward spouse so don't get too alarmed. Just watch closely for any resumed contact becasue this is a critical time.

Divorced I think, maybe separated. I know his wife left him for another man, how ironic, you would think he might know better.
Thanks for you advice, I will watch her closely, and thanks for your reassurance it has helped today