I wouldn't trust that she is being honest about anything actually. I would investigate EVERYTHING she says. Your situation is common and can be overcome, but you can't let emotion overtake you here. Listen to the advice given. YOur situation IS NOT unique...so don't think you can do it differently....YOU CAN'T.

LM

Braeworth, your situation sounds exactly like mine. My wife has fallen for another man, and although they haven't consummated the affair, it is very strong, and has completely overshadowed our marriage. Today, she told me that she sees the two of us staying together, (because she loves me but doesn't love me), but she can't see herself ever wanting to have sex with me. I don't believe that, I think my wife, like yours is completely screwed up right now.

My brother, who just went through the same thing (successfully), said, "don't believe or listen to anything she says. She doesn't know what she's saying"

I feel for you, brother. This is about as tough a time as you will ever go through. The most important thing to do, is to look after yourself.

Ron

Ron - your brother is right. Just make sure she maintains No Contact with OM and things will improve.

Thanks Big...because of things beyond our control, no contact can't start until the end of May....a hellish 4 weeks to come! I don't want to hi-jack your thread braeworth, but if I can give you some advice, don't pump your wife with questions. Mine has told me that that has been a big help. Yes, we talk about the situation, and the other guy has been brought up, but those are in fairly controlled, almost scheduled circumstances. If you look and act pathetic (constantly asking questions being a prime example), it will only make things worse for you.

Be strong, you do that by looking after yourself. Go work out in the gym, or something like that. (Easy for me to say, trying to do it myself!)

Ron

Another bad day, I reacted and told her to stop treating me like something she stood in. I explained to her that i am doing everything to save this marriage but she has to help, she told me she doesn't think she wants to. She really thinks she wants some freedom and to be single. I hope this is just withdrawal but I am not sure it is. I explained that she had responsibilities especially to our daughter. I was determined to bite my tongue but didn't manage it. I know non of this is probably helping.
So low!! Please help

A bit better this morning. I think i managed to connect to her a little this morning. She is still very very low. Two and a half weeks in to NC. Still thinks she wants a new life, I have explained gently and calmly that this fantasy land she dreams of does not exist.
I was going to ask her to fill in the EN and LB questionnaires tonight but do you think this worth it or should i wait until she starts to come out of withdrawal to get more meaningful answers?

BW,

I think she's probably still in withdrawal. As hard as it was for me, I treated my WH very tenderly/gently until I was sure he was out of withdrawal. I did let it go on for too long, though, and he thought it was swept under the carpet. I wouldn't push too much right now.

Any further comments on my last two posts would be appreciated, I am finding this really hard and need all the help i can get

braeworth, just ride this out as best you can without reacting or causing any damage. You can't educate her so stop telling her she is in a fantasy. She IS, but if you tell her this, it only causes her to DEFEND her state of mind. You don't want that. Just be there for her.

Don't agree to any "I need space schemes" and watch your her closely. Make sure the affair has really ended.

Ask her to explain to you what she really means when she says she wants to be single. Is it her plan to LEAVE? What is her plan? ASK HER.

I would use this as an opportunity to tell her that you will not cooperate in any seperation schemes. For example, you would not allow her to take the kids and she would have to find another place. She would not be able to take a stick of furniture without a court order and the sheriff. You would expect her to continue to pay her share of the household bills and she could not take any family money to finance her affair lair. Let her know you would also cite adultery and call the OM as a witness in any legal proceedings.

This will help her see that her beautiful little fantasy will not be so pretty. In reality, it wold be ugly, ugly, ugly. HELP HER SEE THIS.

But, and this is important, brae, She can be single any time she wants. She is a big girl and does not need your permission to be single. You would certainly hate to see her go, but you cannot stop her.

Do not say all this with any hostility. Say it with love, but be FIRM.

ML Thanks again for your help.
She has said that she will maintain NC and give it a few months to see how she feels when she comes through this withdrawal. She says that she enjoyed this other life she found with the OM and felt alive, at the moment she feels empty and this is why she feels that she wants be single and free. I am hoping it is just the withdrawal she is going through.
Also, i was going to ask her to do the EN and LB questionairres but do you think i would get any meaningful answers at the moment?
How long does this withdrawal usually last, it is killing me, I have seen some posts saying it starts to fade after about 3 weeks and others saying 6-8 weeks.

brae, I think it is usually closer to 8+ weeks to get through the worse part. I would back away from the questionaires for the time being and look for any opportunities to fill the need that the OW was meeting.

She might SAY she will maintain nc, but you still must independently verify this. You can't go by what she says unfortunately. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there, my friend.

Brae:

You have been here a week. Please review your situation.

This is what I stated last week:


And what are you doing?

Start listening!

Let her talk. You listen. Defend the fog babble, and redirect to the truth. But let her talk.

Start listening!

You might hear some terrible things. You might not. You might hear some things that your WW may regret later. So be it.

She has to work through this process.

You have other things to work on.

So start working on the things that you have been recommended to do.

You are asking your WW to change overnight, but you can keep doing the same things daily. Bad combination.

So start working on the things that have been proposed to you.

The questionairres can wait. You can prepare them for yourself, and one HOW YOU THINK she would answer. It can give you a place to start addressing your future.

And if you start addressing the things we have been telling you about, you will realize when the time is right for the questionaires.

Sorry about the 2x4, or in my case, the 5 iron.

But you can not fix this tonight. Or tommorrow night. But you can see the progress over time. And that is te important part...

OK?

LG

Thanks to all of you for your comments.
Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse last night.
NC was broken, she has admitted it but unfortunately our 11 year old DD overheard. Not pleasant.
WW has agreed to recommence NC and give it a few months to see where we are, I can't help but feel that this was done reluctantly and more out of a feeling of guilt to DD than trying to re-establish our marriage.
I took advice from ML and in a calm and rational way explained that i was not leaving the house and DD would not be coming with her to move in with a man she has only known a few weeks. Maybe this had an effect, i don't know anymore.
Any advice on a way forward, other than obviously ensuring DD is ok, should i just continue with Plan A and not really mention what happened anymore? While continuing to snoop.

Forgot to ask, I think this means withdrawal starts all over again right?

p.s lousygolfer On a previous post you told me to start dating my wife again, this is hard as she does not want to interact with me and would rather avoid me. Any tips on how to handle this?

braeworth, I would consider exposing the affair at work in addition to contacting the OM yourself. Bringing things out in the open like that will pour some much needed reality into to the situation. Affairs thrive on secrecy and when they are exposed, it can hasten their death.

You do realize this was more than a 2 week affair, don't you?

How did she contact him? Has she been coming here reading posts, braeworth?

He sent her a text message asking if she wanted to meet. She has not been reading posts. She tells me that this started at a works party on the 30th March, last night i asked her to come clean about any previous contact she had since NC started and she swore that there had not been any. I do believe her, she said she missed him so much that when he contacted her she had to see him. I have told her that she has to change her cell phone number and she has agreed.
I rang the other guy last week, found his number, told him to stay away. Didn't have much affect.
I have considered exposing A at work, but i need to think a little about that.

How can i, as lousygolfer says, start dating my wife again, she is so distant from me and appears to try and avoid me. I am trying

Don't panic...it's VERY common for NC to be a battle for the first while. It took about six weeks for me to get NC permanently established. It hurts, it sucks, but it's not the end of the world.

It sounds like you did the right thing. Now...not only get her to agree to re-establish NC like you've done, but also figure out HOW it was broken, and get a fence around that hole in your defenses. If it was a phone call...get numbers changed. Email? Delete the email account...you get the idea. Who initiated the contact, and how?

This DOES mean that withdrawl has been set back some...maybe not all the way to the beginning, but it IS a setback for sure. You need to stay vigilent in ensuring NC...and...go back and re-read the post that LousyGolfer put up...you need to be LISTENING to her...you need to be a safe person for her to be around, emotionally, physically, etc... As I'd phrased it...'you need to be there for her'.

Don't ask her to change the cell phone number...YOU start that process TODAY. Make it happen...plug that gap in your defenses ASAP.

Is there any kind of exposure you can do to get OM to back off? Work, family, friends, spouse?

Owl. Thank you
I am not sure we can take another break in NC, her feelings for him seem so strong and i think if DD had not overheard last night she would have left.