Brae

Big K and I have different experiences of SF in recovery, yet both of us have successful recoveries, which highlights how different strokes work for different folks once the A is dead.

In his case initially passionless SF helped bond his WW and him back together. In my case my WITHDRAWING that intimacy as being a benefit of being married to me helped Squid realise what she would be giving up.

In Big K's case SF is high on his EN register. It is not so high up in mine.

So in truth brae, you need to determine which approach may work best with your W.

In my case Squid recoiled from my loving appraoches, so I stopped them. It made her realise she missed it and started her realization that she DID have feelings for me.

In BigK's case the SF provided increasing intimacy for them AND made sure Dave remained interested by aving his major EN met.

A £80 call to Steve Harley would help you a whole lot Braeworth, really. He'd help SO much.

OK BP*. Thanks I'll have a think about what is best and I'll think about that call.
My (F?)WW used to recoil from approaches but she doesn't anymore, although she doesn't really initiate anything

ML, JMCW95, BigK and other pros.
Any comments on my last few posts and how you think I should proceed other than patience and continue Plan A

braeworth, I think you should do that stuff, but do it in a way that is not needy or clingy and does not OBLIGATE her to a response. For example, if you are walking in the store, put your hand on her back and rub her back, squeeze her arm, pat her on the back, lean over and kiss her hair. Very subtle things without being pushy.

I think you are on the right track, because a woman needs affection in order to feel sexual. So, stick with this path, but just focus on doing it subtly so you aren't repelling her.

ML. Thanks for that, what about such things as giving her a hug or kiss, in a non-sexual way, while we are watching tv or laying in bed. One of her comments a few weeks ago was that pre-A, I only showed her affection when I wanted SF in return. I am trying to show her that this is not the case

braeworth, I think that is a good idea, just watch her body language closely and see how she reacts. If you see that you are repelling her, then back off and work harder on being subtle. See, I think if you just do a LITTLE BIT, it will be enough to draw her without making her feel obligated. If it is so much that she feels obligated to reciprocate, she will resent it.

ML. Thanks for that, I will bear that in mind

DEVASTATED!!!! Please help
WW has been lying 9.5 weeks NC is [censored], she is just a better liar.
She has been seeing OM occasionally all along and now she says she wants to be with him, we are over, she can't do this anymore. She has moved to her friends house, she was looking after it while they are on holiday.
HELP!!! I don't know how to proceed, do I continue with Plan A, go to Plan B or what. I have never felt like this in my life, it really looks like it is over
Please Help!!!!!

I am so sorry to hear it, braeworth, but be assured it is not over. I would suggest first that you calm down. What is her plan? She doesn't intend on taking your DD does she?

brae, once you calm down, go back and read our posts at the beginning of this thread [the first 10-15 pages] where we talk to you about exposure and the dangers of her working with OM. I would follow our advice about exposure, protecting your finances, and letting her know that you will not cooperate with any divorce scheme. Did you ever find the OM's wife?

I think you should stay in Plan A for a very short time, long enough to get your finances in order and prepare for Plan B and then GO DARK.

DD is going with her tonight and then will spend rest of week with me.
I told her that I wanted to leave her job on Monday, but she said she won't and that she wants to be with OM and we are finished.

Where does she think she is taking your DD? Your DD should never ever be exposed to her affair, braeworth, and should not be dragged from her safe home overnight to acommodate your wifes affair unless by a COURT ORDER. You must make this clear. Your DD needs to be TOLD THE TRUTH ABOUT YOUR WIFE'S AFFAIR TODAY.

That is the first thing, braeworth. Your W should not be allowed to lie to your DD about the wreckage she is inflicting on her family and your marriage. Allowing that to happen enables your WW and harms your DD.

Let your wife go, but don't allow her to take your DD or anything from your home.

Here is what I posted to you on May 2:

... if you can only keep her there by not interfering in her affair and doing everything you can to save your marriage, then she was gone anyway. Keeping her there at any and all cost is not the answer if it means she is free to carry on her affair without consequences. Your greatest chance of saving your marriage comes from disrupting this affair, NOT in appeasing her at all costs and sitting silently while this affair continues. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger from exposure, it can't survive this affair.

Do you see what this one little contact has done to you? To her? You are back to D-day all over again EXCEPT WORSE because she has broken your trust...AGAIN. And unless there are some decisive actions to stop this from happening, it will happen again and again. You will die a death of a thousand cuts and in a few months of this he11, we will be discussing how to get her out of the house so you can go into Plan B before you lose your mind from dealing with her affair. It is so much better to take decisive action BEFORE it ever gets to that point. So, think on that.

Knowing what I know, if I were in your shoes and wanted to save my marriage, I would do this:

1. quietly move the bulk of your money to another account temporarily

2. make up an exposure list that consisted of:
employer
parents
close relatives
close siblings
close friends
OM's W and parents

3. expose the affair in one fell swoop to those people

4. get into marriage coaching with Steve Harley

The greatest threat to this marriage is the affair, and if you don't protect yourself, this will head towards divorce.

Nothing's changed brae. She's a liar, all WS are.

Do as mel says, practice loving detachment. This fight is far from over.

As I said before she isn't the first WS I've seen pretend to "give the marriage a go" while staying in touch so she doesn't look such a jerk when she leaves.

Loving detachment, and planB

You're BETTER OFF now because you know the facts.

Expose to everybody first though.

ML and BP*. DD does know about A. WW is going to her friends house she is looking after while on holiday, I asked her to take DD just for tonight as I am really struggling and it is going to be really hard for when WW leaves tonight, I would rather be on my own and not put DD through seeing me in such pain. I also figure that OM won't be going round there if DD is there.
I plan to do some major exposure tomorrow and Monday.
We have been talking and WW has agreed to have NC and just date me while she stays at friends house and review things in a month(I believe she means it at the moment but whether she sticks to it who knows).
Because of this I plan to Plan A my A** for this month while doing a 180. If this doesn't seem to have any effect then it is Plan B.

It is very typical that a WS will expose the children to the affair partner if allowed. This is pretty much an expectation. The WS will use introduce the child to the OM in an attempt to normalize the affair and give it a false respectibility. Remember, you are dealing with someone here who has the common sense of a falling down drunk. Right now she is selfish and entitled and will do what she wants without regard for others. The best interests of you and DD are very low on her list right now.


Can you discuss this with us, so we can help you strategize and come up with talking points?


She has lied and told you this in order to calm you down. She will not follow through on this, braeworth. She will not end contact. She is moving out for one reason: to carry on her affair without interference.


It likely will not have an effect, I am sorry to tell you. I would use this time to get your ducks in a row financially and legally.

I am sorry to be so blunt, my good friend, but it is important that you view this situation realistically and see through her lies. She is still lying to you and you cannot afford to be deluded right now. She is very fogged out and manipulative..

DD knows who OM is, she has he phone with her and will txt me if OM turns up, she is fully aware of the situation.
DD and WW are coming back in the morning so we can spend a family day together, try and take DD's mind off what is going on.

Regarding exposure, I am going to call WW's Aunty and Sister in the morning(both parents are dead), she has a lot of respect for her Aunty. I also know the address of OM's parents and plan to post a letter through their door on Monday and also expose at work.

The dating thing and NC I am quite realistic about, I do believe she is sincere about it now, but I am not too hopefull about her sticking to it. But a few hours ago she had decided that she was not prepared to give up other man or have NC and we were completely over, so what have I got to lose other than another month of Plan A.

I do believe she is sincere about it now.

Oh get off the freakin' grass ! LISTEN to yourself man !

HOPE is not a PLAN !
She has lied to you for 9.5 weeks. She is lying to you now.

STUDY MB so you know what to expect.

You can only consider more plan A if you have very firm personal boundaries and have exposed to someone important to OM.

I would recommend doing that then a very dark plan B.

Work with Mel to strategise your exposure.

You can do it !!

BP* I was saying I don't really expect her to stick towhat she has agreed but that I will caary out a top draw Plan A for a month and see where we are.
I am going to expose to OM's parents and WW's Aunty.
I can do another month of Plan A becuase I don't think up until the last couple of weeks that my Plan A has been great.
After that or if NC is broken it is straight to Plan B

Good plan, braeworth. Please understand that she has no intention of breaking nc with the OM or of dating you. I promise you this. This is a ruse to keep you quiet. She is moving out for her affair, brae. It really is important that you see through this ruse so you can plan accordingly. Contact with the OM will never stop, so you might as well plan on going into Plan B.

Listen, if she were "sincere" about breaking off contact and pursuing a "dating" relationship with you, she would not be leaving, braeworth. You CANNOT GO BY HER WORDS, ONLY HER ACTIONS. Her actions tell you everything you need to know. Her words are a LIE.