I suspect this "house sitting" gig has been either a ruse OR an opportune place for OM and WW to hook up for alone time. Might want to expose to the homeowner's (If married and wife is real tight with the wife...expose to the husband). They may not appreciate their home being used immorally.

I look back over this thread and from the get go you've stated over and over "I really believe her this time". WW is not the wife you've known all these years. I remember how hard this was for me too. I thought I could look her in the eyes and just know. My wife, now FWW, will be the first to tell you...they USE that trust to manipulate you to get what they want (not OM...their Addiction fix to OM). On that note...I do think it's possible OM and WW DID, back on April 26th...try to end things and go back to their marriages. This likely wasn't a plot for DDay only to fool you. However, their working together, easy access to secret contact and closure meetings didn't allow them to withdraw enough to resist the OVERWHELMING chemical desire to kick the habit. Then...once back in...it REFUELS the soulmate rationalization and justifications. They get a big ole fix of "we tried...but we were just meant to be...this FEELS like destiny". This is an explanation for her adamant attitude right now that it's over. This will change...like the weather. Just don't buy her lies anymore.

Stick to the Plans...Plan A for a bit like Melody says. Reality MAY just kick this thing with exposure. FULL exposure. Maybe someone will get fired or an exposee will step up and get OM or WW back on the straight and narrow. Meanwhile...prepare for plan B.

I also have concerns about custody issues. You've also got to start thinking about "what if this doesn't work out...how can I protect my daughter and insure that my wifes choices don't deny me my child(ren) AND protect my daughter from the negative consequences of wife's choices".

Mr. Wondering

braeworth, I know you are despairing tonight but I want to tell you something real important. This revelation, and your wife moving out, has done MORE to help your marriage than anything else that has happened in the past 9 weeks. This is one of the most POSITIVE things that has occured and let me explain why. As long as you were being lied to, you would not possibly salvage your marriage. You didn't know the truth about your own life, so you didn't have a chance. Now that you know the truth, you have a CHANCE because you KNOW what you are dealing with.

Secondly, this is good because now the affair will come out into the wide open. An affair cannot survive the light of reality for long. 95% of affairs CRUMBLE for this very reason. Now that they will be together, the impossibility of the affair will dawn on them. This recent development will do more to ruin the affair than anything that has happened thus far.

Even so, I will warn you to brace yourself for the long haul. RARELY does an affair end in Plan A, only 15% do. That means you should just plan to go to Plan B. I don't believe her affair will end in the next few weeks.

I think from a strategic standpoint, your best time to go into Plan B will be in about 3-4 weeks. That will give you enough time to leave a good impression on her, and be enough time for the novelty to wear off of her new arrangements. In about 3 weeks, she will start to feel horrified at what she has done when the thrill wears off. The reality of the unworkability of her affair will become apparent to her. The problems inherent in an affair will begin to overwhelm the fantasy.


Add to that list, OM's and WW's EMPLOYER, his wife, and the other female relative you mentioned earlier, braeworth. You don't have the luxury of piddling around anymore. Do this right so that it hits them with full TSUNAMI effect.

They need to be exposed AT WORK and in every circle they run in. That affair is a CANCER and exposure is the CHEMOTHERAPY. It will take all the fun out of the affair.

And while you are doing this, start hiding your money and getting her removed from joint credit cards so she doesn't plunder your money.

But most of all, do not despair. While this is very painful, it is much better than living a lie. At least now, you have a chance!

WW is here with DD for the day. She said that she saw how much this was hurting DD last night when they both left me to go to friends house and so she will defintely not see OM for at least a month. I said that I don't think there is a hope in ****** of that happening while she is on her own at her friends house. She said that she was definitely staying at friends tonight as it is too intense at home right now, I said it wouldn't be like that if she didn't keep lieing to me. She did say I could call round at friends house any time tonight to check she is alone.
I asked her to consider moving back home tomorrow and sleeping in the spare room, she said she would think about it, but she said she needed to see if she missed me, I explained that she won't while she is seeing OM.

It's time for nuclear exposure. Everyone your WW and OM would not want to know about the affair should be exposed to. You should protect your finances, so if there are 3 of you, she should only get access to 1/3 of it. If she leaves, the cell phone gets cut off, she has to pay for her insurance, etc. Do not financially support her AT ALL. YOU DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH A WS. Invite her to move in, but nothing like well, if you move in, no OM for one month. As long as she is with you there will be NC with OM for LIFE. She is an ADDICT and must be treated as such. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but it's time to get tough and take a stand.

P.S. Remember to continue trying to meet her ENs and avoid LBs. If she wants to drag you into an argument about exposure or cutting her off, be smart and avoid all such conversations. Tell her you aren't going to talk about that stuff and walk away or hang up if she continues.

P.P.S. Oh, and you need to get a better system of verifying NC the next time. If a WS knows there is a way around your snooping, they will initiate contact. You need to try and make your system foolproof. Get GPS or a PI if you have to. Shoot, fit her with one of those house arrest anklet transmitters.

braeworth, what is her long term plan or is she telling you? How long can she stay at the friends house? Is she househunting?

Secondly, I would caution you about asking her to stay in the guest room. You could get what you ask for, and that could be a life of he11 with your wife carrying on her affair in your home from the comforts of the guest room while you pay all the bills. That will preclude reality from ever entering the picture, whereas, having to move out and struggle will make it crumble much more quickly.

Again, braeworth, this is a lie. She is moving out so she CAN carry on her affair. Her words are lies, so you must look at her ACTIONS. If she wanted to work on her marriage - "date" and not see the OM - she would stay home. Her actions tell you CLEARLY what her intentions are. Her intentions are to move out and carry on her affair. She won't end contact at all.

Secondly, if she does see the OM in a month, it will be no better than today. It is still adultery. TELL HER THAT. It is ADULTERY. Waiting a month does not justify adultery.

Go by her ACTIONS, not her words...

She lying

to buy time, she thinks she needs, to make a choice

a choice she will NEVER be able to make in your favor

until the affair is over

The addict just wants to use, in peace for one more day, week, month and will manipulate those around them with whatever works today.

Mr. W

btw, she challenges you to call and check up on her because she's likely hoping you won't, has devised a plan to cover her story in case you do (friend is in on it), and/or OM is sneaking in and out and she thinks you being with the kids makes it impossible for you to confirm it. Even if you did catch her...oh well, she can lie again and at least she got her fix that night plus she can use your snooping as additional rationalization for continuing her behavior.

forgot to add:

Her addiction and need to continue it

FAR EXCEEDS

her fear of being caught


Being caught just means a fight with you and the seeming minute possibility you MAY make it harder for her to continue seeing and being with OM.

Threats don't work to minimize this. The pattern of appeasement and her sense of entitilement is too strong; thus, take Melody Lane's advice and do the MB plans.

Mr. Wondering

Sorry to hear this Brae - I've been away for a week with no Internet access. I will get caught up but you are getting great advice. I do think I said a week agi she may be in contact.

Brae - Brilliant advice you have recieved here. Please listen to it.

You are scared of exposure. Don't be. It's the only chance you have of killing the affair.

Thought I would update everyone.
Exposure has not yet happened, BUT IT WILL!!! It is just a timing issue, WW's Aunty who is the head of the family on her side now both her parents are dead, and someone WW loves and respects very much is on holiday in Greece for another 10 days, and I want to do it all at once, the BIG BANG theory. Any examples of an Exposure letter for work, would be greatly appreciated.
WW moved back home last night, and has gone NC AGAIN!!!, she said she just needed a couple of nights at friends house to think clearly and calm down, away from my influence I can verify that OM did not go to friends house on either night. She told me that right now she wants to be with OM and not me, as she has no feelings for me. I explained that she won't while she is still seeing OM. She said that she does want to try and save our marriage for DD but she finds it so hard to stay away from OM. She has said on several occasions over the last couple of days that she saw the look on DD's face when they both left me the other night to go to friends house and that is why she has to try. She seems much more commited this time, she is going to read SAA and carry out the EN questionaire over the next few days, this was all her suggestion, nothing to do with me at all. Strangely enough over the last two days I have seen little bits of my W, even though I know she is still in the fog.
She said that she does want to give us a real chance and if we don't work, for it to be about us and not OM but she finds it so so hard to not see OM.
I came up with an idea which I still really need to think about, to make it harder for her to see him. It was based on an idea on MB a couple of weeks ago about an NC pre-nuptial agreement. I said that if she stays in NC until for the rest of this year and we still cannot save our marriage then I will agree to split our assets 60/40 in her favour but if there is any contact with OM, at all, then the assets go 65/35 in my favour. I can afford to lose the money far more than she can and i figured if she does break NC at least I can get a new Audi TT. She said that it sounded like a good idea and that it would give her a real reason why she couldn't break NC, and then at least if she still did not want to be with me she would know without the OM complicating things, we both agreed to think about it long and hard and then draw up a letter for us both to sign and get a mutual friend to witness it. I don't really think it would stand up in a divorce court but I'm not telling her that.
This is just an idea at the moment, I need to look at the pros and cons but I need to make it as hard as possible for her to see OM.
Once she has read SAA, I am going to discuss a NC letter with her. She does really seem different this time, I don't know if it was my DD's face on Saturday night or the realization that she is in the last chance saloon, but as I said, at times over the last couple of days I have seen slight glimpses of W.

No Brae - you need to find out HOW she hid contact from you and plug the hole.

You need to stop believing her.

You need to go nuclear with exposure and stop coming up with excuses why you can't do things.

You need to grow a pair of balls.

Why are you letting your WW control you Braeworth ?
Why do you believe a single word from her mouth ?

You are reacting to her every move like a faithful terrier.

OF COURSE your WW "needs" OM. She is an addict just like every other wayward ever.

You need to find out who OM is and expose in his life as a matter of urgency.

She seems much more commited this time

Committed to fence-sitting,yes. Your feelings have failed you every single time you relied on them so far in this mess Brae.

Take control.

Are you so desperate to keep her in your life at any cost that you will not take dignified action ?

She wants to be with him ? Fine. She leaves, you go immediate dark plan B.

She wants to work on the marriage ? Fine, she tells you who OM is, you write a NC letter together and expose to anyone in OMs life.

By sitting "hoping" she will choose you, you are enabling her affair and feeding her sense of entitlement.

DO IT !

Honestly Brae, I had stopped posting to you a few weeks ago because I got sick and tired of repeating myself.

For heavens sake, man up.

I am going to expose the affair, as I said I do want to wait until WW's Aunty is home because she is the one that is going to have the most affect on WW and I want to do it all in one hit as recommended.
I don't believe a word she says anymore but I am looking at the way she is acting, SAA and EN's survey all came from her.
She hid contact from me by swearing on DD's life, the life of her best friends unborn baby etc etc and I didn't believe she could sink so low. I now believe she is capable of anything. I am getting to the point where I don't really care if I lose her, if she breaks NC I don't even think I will bother with Plan B, she is not worth it, I will just file for divorce.
I have told her that she can move out if she wants but for DD's sake I think she should give it a real go at saving our M.
I was just trying to find ways to make it hard for her to break NC, ASWELL AS!!! the NC letter exposure

I repeat :

She wants to be with him ? Fine. She leaves, you go immediate dark plan B.

She wants to work on the marriage ? Fine, she tells you who OM is, you write a NC letter together and expose to anyone in OMs life.

By sitting "hoping" she will choose you, you are enabling her affair and feeding her sense of entitlement.


Will you go dark if she leaves ?

Will you demand you both wrote an NC letter together and send it if she stays ?

Anything else is flaccid enablement of her wayward mentality brae. I speak from knowledge whether you like it or not, sir.
yes its scary but THIS is the REAL fight against infidelity ! the REAL fight for your marriage and for RIGHT !

Cry "HAVOC! " and let slip the dogs of war Braeworth ! Be dignified and indignant ! Do the RIGHT thing !

It is best indicated to recover your M and it is attractive to waywards when the BS is dignified.

If she leaves or even contact OM again I will go dark and file for divorce because I can't be ars** anymore. Once she has read SAA, which I have told her has to be by the weekend I will insist that we both send an NC letter and I will expose to work, OM's parents, WW's Aunty and Sister.
I have got to the point where I am not sure I want to be married to her although I do still love her deeply, what I am doing now is to give my DD one final effort.

Reading SAA will be useless to an active wayward. Waywards think they have found true love and SAA and similar books are wrong, written for whiny betrayed spouses.

But do what you think is right Brae. I can't add any more to what I've said.

BP*. I did think about that myself, but I thought that as she had offered to read it and do EN survey, then I would just let her.
I truly have got to the point where I am not afraid to lose her, I know it will hurt me badly but I am geting hurt now anyway, and I will get over it. I will do what I can to save this marriage but I will not carry on for long like this.
I thank you and BigK for your comments, and the 2x4's this morning, but I was fooled by her swearing on DD's life etc and now I know what I am dealing with(I know - you told me so!!), I am feeling much stronger and in a much better position to deal with this.

If your W will only stay in your marrige as long as you grovel, is that the marriage you want ? Is it what you will accept ?

If she leaves you when you implement some righteous boundaries Braeworth, its only a nett loss to you if you value a cringing, corrupt, fearful sham of a marriage over a dignified independence.

I have said this before HOPE IS NOT A PLAN.

If she wants to leave, she can leave and you go dark in plan B so she can see what life will REALLY be like without you in it. And you can also escape her chaos for a while.

If she wants to stay, she writes an NC letter with you which tells OM she doesn't love him, and wants to put right the damage she did to her marriage.

Don't be stroppy, Brae but make it very clear that you've eaten EXACTLY enough sh1t sandwich, and she needs to stop cake eating NOW.

If she stays with you and tries to work on the M but "feels nothing " after a week or two she is lying and is in contact. believe me this time.

Your W cannot be trusted in any way for months yet. You think swearing on kids lives is a hard lie after she had sex with OM ?