Stop worrying Brae.

You are just borrowing trouble from tomorrow.

What she SAYS is neither here nor there. I don't know why you even pay any attention to her babble.

Loving and supportive is EXACTLY what you need to be.

BigK. Thanks, but it is hard not to worry she was very close to leaving for OM, last night.

My wife almost left several times in the first few weeks.

Why IS she staying?

Thanks BigK, it helps to know that.
I THINK she is staying because I managed to convince her that it was the right thing to do, to fight for our marriage for our DD and to show her that marriage was not something you just walked away from when you found someone else you thought you might like to spend some time with.

I doubt you convinced her of anything.

Why IS she staying?

Has that reason changed?

If not, why would you think she would leave NOW or change that decision?

See WW's don't make rash spur of the minute decisions IMO - they carefully think out and plot a course of action. If you can maintain a good plan A for a while, she will see you as a viable alternative and will see that perhaps you are capable of meeting her EN's.

Don't be trying to convince her to stay. Let her know she is not a prisoner and is free to leave if she so desires.

Use Bob Pure's loving detachment.

See my wife DIDN'T leave because the underlying reasons for her staying had not changed regardless of how much she hated me after she moved back home.

I think she might change her mind and leave now because last night she told me she really didn't want to be here anymore and that she didn't want to be married to me anymore. She wanted to be with OM. I told her she was free to leave but that I would have nothing more to do with her, never see or speak to her again and would fight her for custody of DD as she had not given our M a chance and I was not having DD live with OM.
I said that the right thing to do was to have NC with OM and give our marriage some time to see if we could make it work for DD. After I said that she said that she had to try as it was the right thing to do, although she didn't beleive her feelings for me would ever return.
Her reason for staying has always been to try and make it work for DD.

EXACTLY. So if you keep a tight rein on your taker, that situation is likely to remain unchanged and your DD will be a continual pull on your WW. This WILL change as NC progresses.

My wife came home with pretty much zero expectations for our marriage but wanting to put an end to the pain our kids were in.

your wife's motives for staying right now are unimportant.

BigK,
I wasn't totally sure what you meant by this. Did you mean that as long as I didn't put any pressure on WW or act needy she would probably stay because of DD and then as NC progresses she will start to want to stay and work on our marriage more and more?

Keep her busy. Schedule lots of fun things to do. Take some vacation. Keep her mind off OM. Continue to watch her like a hawk. It will be at least several months of NC before you start to see any visible changes. October will likely come and go without her making any decision. Just keep plugging along.

jmwc95. Thanks. Do you think by the end of October she will have started to get any of her feelings back. She has this date pretty much fixed in her head as a date when she will make a decision whether to stay married. She says if by then she has started to get feelings back for me then fine but if not she will leave as she cannot continue to live like this.
IF!!! there is NC until then it will be 14/15 weeks of NC by then.

braeworth, is she still working with the OM?

She will start to get some feelings back by then, but she won't be sure of it, she won't show it outwardly. Trust me, the October date is meaningless. I remember back last November, BetrayedinCal's WW told him she was going to file for divorce in January if things didn't improve. The month came and went with nothing even though she still wouldn't him touch her, sleep in the same room with her, or look at her laptop. By late spring, she was going to marriage counseling with him. That October thing is just a made up number in her mind that she thinks she can tough it out for. If things look like they might be getting better, she'll just keep going without making any decision. If she files in October, it will because she hasn't broken off contact with the OM. That is why your enforcing NC is so important.

ML. They work for the same company but at separate sites. They do not have any contact at work. The A started at a company party.
There is a very slim chance that once in a few months she may have to answer the phone and it could be him calling, in the office there would be no chance to talk it is very busy and she would just have to pass the call on, but this would probably have an affect on her withdrawal. I really don't know what to do about this as she refuses to give up her job, she says that if we don't make it she needs the security of her job and it is a job she loves. All I can do is mention it again in afew weeks when the fog has started to clear again. I was planning to talk to her again about how often this is likely to happen. I know it could be into months.

jmwc95. Thanks for your info.
ML. Any comments on my last post. I am not sure what to do about this as I can't force her to leave her job. She only answers the phone on a very rare occassion and the chance of it being him are very slim but there is a chance. I ahve mentioned this before but she said she will not leave her job. I thought maybe when she comes out of the fog/withdrawal a little I would bring it up again.

braeworth, I don't know what to say, because I just don't see this going anywhere. You can't force her to leave her job, nor can you force her to want your marriage. She wants neither. You have been in Plan A for months to no avail. I just see nothing changing here at all. If she is not willing to work on the marriage, nothing is going to change between now and October. Nothing has changed in the past 4 months except she just went deeper in the affair.

I think you should start thinking about Plan B before she completely wears you down.

ML. I have been thinking about Plan B. I am willing, now I have done what you told me weeks ago, and exposed the affair to continue with Plan A until the end of October if verified NC continues. I will start to prepare for Plan B in case NC is broken, although if she breaks NC again, I am not sure I can even be bothered with Plan B, I think I will just file for divorce.
The reason for sticking with Plan A until then is to see what happens once she gets through withdrawal and starts to come out of the fog, she has not yet maintained NC long enough. I was hoping if NC is maintained for this long that her feelings will start to return. She has always said that if they do return she will stay married and work on our M, but she does not believe they will.
Do you think that I am wasting my time

She is waiting for a magical feeling to land on her and take over her will, AGAINST HER WILL, which is never going to happen. Feelings FOLLOW actions, not the other way around. So, the path she is on is hopeless. It has not worked in the past and will not work in the future.

Feelings can change during and after withdrawal, if the person is WILLING. But if the person is unwilling to change and will do absolutely NOTHING to effect such a change, it is not going to happen. Her feelings are not going to change AGAINST HER WILL.

She has told you she is not willing to work on the marriage, and I would suggest she is telling the truth and plan accordingly. I think that going into Plan B is a much better plan than Plan D, because plan B might prevent Plan D, IMO.

Can you afford a session with Steve Harley? Sometimes he can get through to these waywards. He charges $185 a session and is darn good. He is a marriage COACH.

ML Thanks.I will start to plan for Plan B, but she is deep in withdrawal at the moment. She was very sad and very low yesterday. Do you think her opinion might change once she gets through withdrawal a little. She told me that she was really missing OM. She did say last night after she said she would give it until the end of October, that she would work on our marriage until the end of October. Only time will tell if she means this, as you say her actions will show me if this is true