Well, my nice quiet evening, enjoying my kids, and my home, and my tiny little bit of peace of mind.. didn't happen. Baby started running a temp and then started throwing up. The temp got pretty high so I decided to take him to the ER. So of course I had to break NC because WH has a right to be there. So had mediator call him and he met me there. I told him he didn't have to come, since I was sure it wasn't a big deal, but he said that of course he would come, it's his baby too. And any tranquility I was starting to feel went out the window. He was blatantly rude at first, like you asked for NC and your gonna get it. But I was trying to make the best impression I could in the time I had. I was friendly and fairly upbeat although of course worried about baby. (I was pretty sure it was an ear infection.. his 4th one back to back. WH looked miserable (it's only yesterday that he had all his wisdom teeth out and some implants) I asked how he was feeling and he softened a little and groaned that it is awful. And that he's very hungry. And the sap that I am, almost offered to come over and make him soup and help him get it down. (can't use a straw, almost like a dropper) But I bit my tongue and felt practically cruel for it. Here he had been halfway civil for like 30 seconds and I'm ready to go over and cook for him! Honestly would've probly cleaned up his kitchen and done some laundry too. How insane is that??? I stayed strong and upbeat most of the visit. They were actually sending us home when they realized the hospital pharmacy had just closed so they had us come back in to wait to get baby's first dose there. That was the last straw. I started tearing up. I tried to hide it by pretending to look at stuff on the wall. I don't know if he noticed or not. Probly not, he never looks at me. But we got through it, walked outside, he kissed baby goodbye and walked away without a word. As soon as I got in the car, i just started bawling! I feel like I'm dying inside! I don't know what I hoped for, maybe some sign he's missed me. It was also hard to see how wonderful he is with baby... so loving and comforting, when he was so completely dismissive with all the health issues I've had this last year. Practically acted as if he didn't care whether I lived or died. It hurts so bad when someone you love so much treats you like you are unwanted, unneeded, and practically disposable!!!

bump

I've been crying some more while trying to read more on Mimi's thread. She's talking about how she's feels the same heartbreak as she did when she was grieving her father's death. That's exactly how I feel, as if I'm grieving the death of my oldest and dearest friend, my H. I mean, he's still in there somewhere inside that alien mind I don't recognize.. it's just that he's lost to me. Even if he has kept his agreement to have no contact with OW, he's still unreachable to me. I wrote some in my journal trying to keep from calling him or going over there, and just crawling into bed next to him. Not that I think he'd really be receptive to that, it's just what I'd like to do. Just lay next to him, with our arms around each other. It's been so long since he's held me. Now I'm crying again.What happened to the incredible love story that used to be our life??? I just miss that man so much.. that man that loved me, that thought I hung the moon.

I'm trying to own my stuff. Like what did I do wrong that didn't fulfill his emtional needs? I think it started when we were going through a lot of stress financially and then I had a miscarriage. I was devastated and became very emotionally needy. I think he was already stressed to the max because instead of comforting me, he started to pull away. Of course I chased him, and he pulled away further. Then things got really bad financially and he turned to internet chats rather than talk to me. (we all know how nice it is to have an online support system) This soon became a female support system. And we've been triggering and reacting off of each other ever since.

Well.. baby is awake.. gotta go.. I'm so sad...

anyone out there?

FIL-

One of the mistakes that I did... for too long, was to agonize over what I did wrong. I tormented myself. Do you think that he is doing that? No. He is not. Sure he may think about it, but beat himself up? No. I got some wise advice from my MIL during this time, "You can either let go, and be happy, or you can obsess, make yourself even more unhappy and unattractive, and it will take you longer to get better. He is saying he is happy now. Now you show him YOU are happy."

It made sense. Plus, I went on anti-anxiety meds. I was having panic attacks... I just wanted to run... far away.

I read a lot of books, I made some improvements for me, and I decided to live in today, and for the future, and try to stop thinking about the past. The past is over. Sure I think about things, but they happened, nothing can change them now.

It will get better. You will wake up one day, and you will feel ok. Did you maybe go into plan B too soon? Did you go into plan B to get him to 'do something'? If that is the case, it may have been too soon. Plan B should not be to wake him up.

Good luck, and how is the baby?

Sadmo

Baby is feeling a little better this am after taking first 2 doses of antibiotics.

I don't think I went into plan b to get him to do something. It was to protect my feelings from being devastated any further. But maybe it was still too soon. I don't know.

I cracked this morning when I went to get babies script filled. I went over to WH's house and asked that he think about starting over with me. Not continueing to try and fix our current relationship, but letting it die, and then starting over completely. He asked how in the world we would do that and i said like not seeing much of each other for a few weeks except for at the counselors. This would give us time to calm down after the horrible way we treated each other this last weekend. Also, this would give us time to come up with a plan with the counselor finally. And then SLOWLY start to implement that plan, without doing anything that only makes the situation worse. He said he'd think about it and call me. I asked that he only call me if the answer is yes, and if it's a no, then please just let the mediator know. He said "so you would want to go back to no contact" I said, yes, because it is just too excruciating to see you and talk to you everyday when I know we are over. I need no contact to be able to get on with my life. He said he understood. Then he apologized for everything, from the bottom of his heart he said. It was very sincere, the first sincere apology he's ever given me. I started crying of course, and he gave me a hug, and said he'd call me.

So did I ruin everything??? It felt good to tell him what I did, but it still probly wasn't a good idea. I don't know..

I've been reading through Mimi's thread and relating to so very much of what she went through.. almost verbatim. I copied this next bit from her and it's exactly how I'm feeling today. Like one of the walking wounded.. one of you all..


Mimi wrote:
What I've realized is that what we are experiencing is a MAJOR TRAUMA . What happened yesterday was that I actually had a flashback. I parked in the same parking place at the same time of day that I realized that my WS was getting back with the OW. He clicked his cell phone off as I was parking in the space and I recalled that yesterday. It all came back to me, the awfulness and shock of it. That caused my major setback last night.

This is incredible! I think that it's a miracle for those that go into recovery. Of course, I would wish that for my situation but right now that almost seems hopeless because I feel so incredibly WOUNDED by this. I can understand what causes folks to suicide or to commit crimes because I was feeling at moments that I could do either last night. You need some relief from the EMOTIONAL PAIN .

I also understand now how affairs begin. I think I am extremely vulnerable at this time. Not getting any of my ENs met by my WS, I am extremely needy and lonely, needing MALE companionship. However, I also know how one must use self-control and am aware how such self-control and discipline are possible.

I wonder if any of you have had such experiences. It's called POST-TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER , a syndrome experienced by victims of trauma. I almost actually had a panic attack.

I just read that plan b is for when a WS is vacilating back and forth between BS and OT. I really don't think there is any other woman anymore. I just think that my WS is in withdrawel from her and so was/is not able to meet any of my EN. I made the decision to go to plan b in order to protect myself from his continued rejection, in spite of no other woman. I'm so confused! I feel like if I had went to plan b 6 months ago, to get him away from her, when my plan a was in full swing, it would have been so much more powerful than waiting till now, after my plan a turning to crap. I don't think he's in contact with her at all.. due to my continued spying. He would need/want her the most while going through the recovery from his surgery yet I've yet to see her there. So I am right in thinking that his inability or lack of desire to meet my needs was only because he was still missing her? (which he has admitted to) He said again today that he does love me and wants us to be a normal happy family. I don't know what to make of this! Maybe he's getting through the fog? Do I go back to plan a, if he indicates that he wants to be with me? Then do an awesome plan a, with a limited time frame, then a pitch black plan b if things aren't moving along? Oh, I'm so lost!!!

Ok.. so here I am still sitting here obsessing over my ruined plan b. Not only did i talk to him, but I asked him to give us another chance! I'm trying to figure out what to do now and all I can come up with is to be still. Don't freak out trying to do damage control. Just be still. He said he will call me and let me know. I know he will drag this out for 2 reasons.. to keep me hanging for one and also so I don't get the idea that he is desparate to get back with me. I think that either way he answers, my response should be the same. Plan b. More like Mimi was doing however. I wanted absolutely no contact with WH to safeguard my emotions, but after just 3 days, realized how impractical that is. We have children together, and especially because of the baby. He is always there for doctor/ dentist appts, school functions, that sort of thing. So there will be limited contact. But that may be good because how else will he see the changes I'm making, by becoming more independant, less needy, losing weight, etc? But if I otherwise stick to my plan b, such as being busy, happy, not reaching out to him, letting him pursue me. Only contact being MC and kids stuff. Like I said, I think OW is truly history and I "think" he is starting to come out of his withdrawel over her, so am I on the right track with where to go from here?

Also, Orchid, I was reading in Mimi's thread from years ago that your WH was disfellowshiped? So was my WH. I know how you feel.

Hello.. anyone out there? I know I'm obsessing today but it's really helping to just keep typing here instead of calling him. I keep thinking I should call him to explain more what I meant this morning or maybe to just say forget the whole thing, I don't know. But then I think I need to do nothing. Let him call me if he is going to, and if he doesn't, then that's my answer. I think why last night was such a huge trigger for me was that it was the ER. I had a really rough pregnancy after he walked out on us and especially one night, our dd tore her ACL so I took her in to the ER. It was the same little booth as last night. Then while the docs are taking care of her leg, I go into labor prematurely. I called WH. He was out with his brother and didn't even bother coming to check on me or dd. It broke my heart. Then when everything finally calmed down, I drove us both home the next day. It triggered huge pain for me last night. But now he's trying and succeeding actually to be such a good dad. He's right there whenever they need him. But not me. Like I'm nothing to him. It hurts so bad!

Anyways, I would especially like to hear from Orchid if she is around.

FIL,
i am following your story closely and i want to just say that hundreds of miles away you have someone praying for you....right now....right this very minute and i know you will make it....i just hope your H come around in time.

God will bring you thru this.....Your "Red Sea".

You are soo much stronger than you know.

Keep safe.....many of us here truly love you.

You are definitely not alone

Thank you a thousand times! As soon as I read your post, a calm came over me... I was too agitated to even pray in my own behalf.. so thank you again.

nc,
I think your prayers maybe even reached WH. Not even an hour after your post, while I was in the middle of folding clothes and feeling incredibly peaceful, WH called. He said he had been thinking a lot about what I asked. He said he loves me so much, and misses me and us being a family. He wants to reinstate NC with OT, and get back to MC. He says he can't hardly believe I would still forgive him for lying to me again about OT. I said that all this will take time, but with NC, and committment to stick to MC through the withdrawel process, then I think we can make it. But he has to want it too. I could tell he was dozing off from the pain meds and so said we could talk later about this. I didn't try to set up a time, like can we talk about this tomorrow. I just left it open. When you are feeling better, we can talk. And I will NOT be the one to call. IF he wants to continue talking reconciliation, he will have to call me. He did ask what I was doing, that it sounded like I was having a party. I said, just watching a movie with the kids. (I didn't mention the laundry as in drudgery/moping stuff) But there was lots of laughter in the background and island type music from the movie. You could tell he wanted to be here with us instead of all alone in a dark house, in pain. I think OT was a major letdown in the nuturing dept, which is something I really excel at. He also mentioned today how he hates it that his house doesn't feel like home, and how I always made things so homey. Hmmm...

Your Plan B sucks. Sorry, but you are NOT in Plan B yet. It means going very dark, no calls, no information about hubby from friends, no calls, etc.

What your husband said above was blah, blah, blah, blah, blah........

"He wants to reinstate NC with OT,"

Tell him you don't want any contact until he HAS reinstated NC, and has written a NC letter.

Ok.. well thank you for the 2x4, believer. I agree that I messed up my plan b, that's why I was so upset today. I only started this on Sunday, and then last night let him know I was bringing our baby to the ER. I had the mediator call him and tell him it probly wasn't a big deal, just another ear infection, but that I didn't want to wait till morning because his fever was pretty high. I knew he would come to the hospital if I told him, but it is actually in our legal separation paperwork that we have to let each other know about health emergencies with the children.

And that is what I told him this am, is to call me when ther is NC and have the letter ready. What he told me on the phone is that he will write the letter as soon as he is off some of the pain meds he's on now. There had been NC From Feb till last weekend when she called him.

oops.. sorry for ending that so abruptly.. baby woke up. Anyways, he will type the NC letter when he can get down the stairs to the computer. There really wasn't much contact this last weekend, just her checking to see if he was still firm. But the huge issue was that he lied to me about her call. He thought if he told me she called, I'd turn back into the raging, sobbing mess I had been for awhile there. But anyways, he still sees the need for another NC letter, very firmly stating his intentions to save his marriage haven't changed. That's when he said he'd call back, when he was feeling better, enough to do that. Just wanted to clarify.

So my brain seems to be functioning again, slightly anyways, and I think that my goal is to stick with plan B until or if he calls and says the letter is ready. If he calls again to say he wants to do the letter and is going to do the letter, I will say, well then call me back after it's done, not before. And of course, I have to think about the possibility that he might not call, if she gets to him again. But that's better than sharing.

I took today off work to stay home with sick baby and so have continued reading mimi's thread. Very good information, and makes me feel not so crazy, since she went through ALL the same emotions and made some of the same mistakes too, that I'm dealing with. I would recommend reading that to everyone in plan b or thinking about it!

I just read something Mortarman wrote to mimi, that he started his plan b about 4 times before he finally got it right, and then after 6 weeks of darkness, his wife made NC, and another 8 weeks till she moved back in with him. So messing up your plan b is not the end of the world. Just start over, right?

wow.. I've really been posting a lot today! I think it's something I've needed to do though. I feel cleansed somehow.. maybe by just giving voice to all the things swirling around in my head. I don't normally have this much time to spend on the computer! Well, I'm off to bed for now though, and tomorrow it's back to the normal routine, so thank you again all. You guys keep me going!

FIL,

Breaking plan B for a WS is usually disastrous.

Yet the BS needs to be where their mind and heart is in sync before you can appreciate the need to let them stew in their own mess.

Have you read others who have pulled back and seen their WS' make attempts to engage them? Crazy but true. It is hard t/d but works more often than not. JMHO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As for the DF. If you want to discuss this further, let me know. My e-mail address: **edit**

take care,
L.

Don't worry about it. A lot of us broke Plan B. Just realize that when you break Plan B, you are helping the other woman.