Jumped the gun on American Idol, comes on at 9.

CJ, you really feel like a friend. Thanks for identifying with me. I WILL do the homework assignment.

Thanks for your words too, JL, although the **** words are hard on my heart. You'd think I'd be immune to it by now.

I'm a friend? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Cool! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I made an assignment thread for you and HealingBird. Maybe after American Idol, you could do Psalm 1.

Howmuch,

It was supposed to be. But you seem so much in denial, I thought it best to NOT sugar coat this with euphemisms. Let's call it like we see it, shall we?

God Bless,

JL

AAAAARRrrggghhh. My wife called while I was running to Wally World to get a folder for my son's school project. She asked if she could come in and burn some cd's when she picked up the girls tomorrow. I contmeplated and said, "No, I'd rather you not go in the house when I'm not there." (I respectfully asked this a few weeks ago and said that she left, doesn't live here anymore, and I'm not invited to her apartment so she shouldn't have free access to my living quarters either.

She said,"Well, pay me for my half of the house then."

I am fit to be tied. I probably need to be tied. I'm six months into this and I think it is worse now. I also the the worst is yet to come.

She asked me to call a mediator. I can't see how that will be successful. I'm sorry that things are tough on her financialy, but this is the life she chose.

JL's ****ing remark has infuriated me tonight. I can't stop thinking about her giving herself to him. I'm feeling the betrayal deeply and all over again. I'm not a happy man tonight.

HMM

If I was there, I would kick your a$%! First off, the posts by these folks is dead on.

Here's the basics...you DO NOT TRUST GOD! Say it with me "I do not trust God." Come on, say it! Because it is the truth.

When I came home from Bosnia and found my mess, I was angry at God. Angry because I had asked Him to take care of the family while I was gone. And to me, He hadnt done that.

So, my problem was not only not trusting my wife, but also not trusting God!

But if you look over your life, you will see that God has NEVER let you down. You can also see in Scripture where God has promised you certain things.

But still you persist!

Mrs. W may be correct here. Your wife may be different than mine, because of the multiple affairs. And that may change everything.

And change NOTHING!!

The reason I say "change nothing" is that your mission is still the same. Yo uare the spiritual leader of your home...and your marriage. You cannot abdicate this position. And you dont have the luxury of sitting around moaning and wondering what to do.

Know what I do? I pray to God that He opens doors and closes them where need be. In the meantime, I take all available info and I begin to step forward. If it isnt the right way, He has promised me a closed door. And if it is, He has promised me an open door.

But sitting still is the worst sin. Worst because you dont trust God. And you have NO REASON not to trust Him.

Added to all of this, your actions continue to show badly on your kids. Your kids need one sane parent, and your WW aint sane! But right now, neither are you!

Your WW want to come by and burn CDs? You say "nope...not unti lyou return home where you belong." If she says "well, pay me half of the house" then you just IGNORE the statement! No response is needed to fog talk.

If she then goes on to say that you should find a mediator, you again give NO RESPONSE! Never argue with a drunk!

I am here to help. And these fine folks (CJ...great posts!!) are dead on in their appraisal of your sitch.

But you had best grab your shoulders and pull down hard, thus dislodging your head from where it is currently buried...otherwise, thing are going to get a lot worse.

Trust God. Follow Him. Dont worry about HMM WW...worry about your relationship with Him.

I turned my wife over to God (as was stated in a previous post). I didnt win her back. I just left the dooor open. I can claim no responsibility for her return. That was God's doing entirely!

HMM,

I wanted to tell you something. We are not "piling on" you here and I believe most everyone who is writing to you completely and fully understands exactly how you feel. Part of you is just TORN TO SHREDS that the human being you most loved and trusted on this planet has chosen to deliberately do the most intimate things with another person. The image of that in your mind alone is enough to drive some folks crazy. And you know what? We've been there!! I can remember crying for 72 hours STRAIGHT because of my exH's betrayal. I cried so long and so hard that I made salty blisters on my eyelids! Finally, after 3 days with no sleep, no food, salty blisters on my eyelids and blisters under my nose from blowing my nose so often...finally I stopped crying. I thought about killing myself. Hey, I'm not too proud to show you how far I fell. It wasn't my most noble moment, but I felt like I had no reason to keep living. It was the depth of despair.

Sooooo...I tell you, my brother, we have all been there, done that. And look at where I am now. I am currently remarried to a wonderful Christian man. I have five more children because of him! I have found a new church and a new church-home because of him. I minister to people here on MB and at my church. God has used my bad choices of choosing a non-believer and breaking up my family so that I can be more compassionate and understanding...and so I can minister to those who are going through it themselves! Despite the horrible mess that I made of my life, God is using it all according to HIS purpose!

HMM, He will do the same for you. He has promised that he will. God is a God of covenants, and He administers them, not us. His covenants are FOREVER, and He has a covenant with YOU--the covenant between God and the believer. What He has promised He will do, you can stake your life on it that He will!!!

From what I can observe, you are angry and hurt...and that's understandable. However, your children NEED YOU to stand in the gap for them and defend them. If this is spiritual warfare (and it is), Satan has battled and won your WW, and now through her, he is attacking and intends to harm your children by making them think that A's are okay...that it's what people do...that obeying God isn't necessary--but that following "what makes you feel good" is...that marriage is not forever...that married people don't turn to God when they feel tempted...all those things. So here's the question. Are you going to STAND when all the other soldiers who were fighting along side you have fled, and defend your children from Satan's attack? Or are you going to let them down too? Are you going to STAND for your family, or are you going to pout because your WW has left the ranks right now and gone to the enemy camp?

To STAND for your children and your family, you need to let WW know what she needs to do to repent and repair...and then stop interacting with her. To STAND for your children and your family, you need to allow your WW to experience the consequences of the choices SHE has made--not by being vindictive but by not standing in the way and preventing her from having to feel something that hurts her. (For example, you did a GREAT thing by not allowing her to burn the CDs. She chose to leave, and the consequence of HER decision is that she no longer has access to the benefits of what she chose to leave!) To STAND for your children and your family, you need to protect them by getting a temporary order in place that orders her to pay CS while you raise the children and that temporarily puts a "hold" on all marital assets (so she can not use marital money to fund her A.) If SHE wants to leave the house and carry on her A, it is completely up to her to lose all the benefits of you, the kids, and all the marital funds--and it is completely up to her to fund it all ON HER OWN.

Does this make sense to you, HMM? If she wants to proceed with a mediator, SHE has to do all the work because you don't want this. You are standing for your children and your family. If she wants to carry on with another man, SHE has to do that too because you are standing for your children and your family. You will not fund it. You will not make it "easier" for her. You will not be "friends" with her or "be agreeable." You will be a beacon of how to COME HOME AND RETURN TO GODLY LIVING. And beyond that, you will carry on your life and defend your children so her nonsense can not harm them and Satan can not get to them. It may very well hurt her to not have as much time with the children--but that is the PRICE of the life she has PICKED...she loses at least half of her time with her precious children, and probably MORE! Furthermore, she can choose to stop this at any time, return and repent, and have all the time back with the kids. SHE is choosing and then is mad that you are enforcing the consequences of what she has chosen. If you love her, allow her to experience the consequences of her choices so she can grow more quickly.

Okay...so practical advice. Pick ONE THING you can do tomorrow to protect your kids. I suggest that you work on finding an intermediary. How about asking your pastor, a person from church, or a friend whom you trust. Take ONE STEP toward defending your family tomorrow.

Your sis in Christ,



CJ

I wish I had some advice to offer although I think you are getting very good advice as it is. Especially about letting God have control of your life. I think that is a huge part of the puzzle that I've been missing in my life as well. This is something I plan to remedy.

It's hard to explain everything, and I'll probably sound like an almost adult trying to justify things I barely understand. Maybe that's true.

It would be nearly impossible for me to sit down and type out exactly the things that have transpired between my wife concerning these infidelities.

Last time I went cold plan "B", hired and attorney, hired a PI, etc. This time initially I didn't go that route because it was so expensive and damaging and emotionally difficult. And even more because I am a control freak and this time I feel I chose to let her take every step on her own. Maybe (ha) I've made some mistakes. I feel like at this point, after this many affairs that (fog or no fog) she should be free to go. I don't want her to come back because she's financially strapped or because her new relationship didn't pan out, or because she misses being a family.

I want her to come back because she is healthy, and has decided to chose to love me.

I felt this time, that by not being aggressive (I was going to throw her out on Christmas Eve when I found birth control) I was trusting God and not taking control myself.

I am confused now. I'm also sickened, thinking I have made some grave errors in the last few months.

I believe marriage is a covenant. Not to be broken.

I woke up dreaming about OM. That we were going to fight. I feel drastic this morning. I feel like popping this cesspool pimple of a situation that has been created in my life.

Concerning the mediator...

My wife is pursuing buying a house, and she is serious about it. Now I understand that if she does, and we are not legally separated, then that house will become part of our assets. And I will be legally responsible for half of it.

That is why I initially suggested a mediator.

I don't want to pursue stiff ugly, expensive, time consuming legal action.

I'm so confused.



If she goes off and buys a house, then what?

I am at the end of my rope. I have a counseling appointment this morning. Maybe that will help.l

Went to counseling this a.m. It was good. I shared some of the input I've been getting here and my counselor was in much agreement.

My wife also sees the same counselor and has an appointment today. The good Dr. is going to confront her with the truth and "call a spade a spade". Then we are tenativley going to have a joint counseling session next Tuesday, to get all the cards on the table. My wife will either have to publicly (in front of the counselor and me) deny the truth, or make a change.

I am going to have a B letter prepared. Thank you guys for all your support and advice. I really, really trust my counselor. She is a Phd. and very experienced, but most importantly a Christian who truly seeks the heart of God. And she agrees with most of the advice of the experienced ones here.

Thanks for walking with me.

HMM,

I am not a lawyer, and I don't play one on TV either...but it is my understanding that if you are in a community property state, and your WW buys a house while married to you, that you are correct...you would have some legal liability toward "her" house, but you would also have legal rights. For example, if she buys the house and then does not make payments, you can sell it and split whatever equity is received from the sale. Anyway, the long story short is that she is not in a position to make legal decisions without you, because even if she does so, you do get responsibilities but you also get RIGHTS. If she wants to be in the position to make legal decisions without consulting you, then she has to go through the hard work of actually divorcing you. Until then, she may go off half cocked but and "do it anyway" but that ADDS to the marital property and adds to your rights.

This is precisely why we have been suggesting to you to get an LSA (legal separation agreement) in place. With an LSA, it puts a freeze on marital assets (she can not sell stuff out from under you--nor buy things and make you legal liable), and it place a temporary restraining order on things like threatening you, threatening your assets, etc. Furthermore, an LSA would outline TEMPORARILY who pays how much CS to whom, who has custody and who has primary residence of the children.

Can you see how an LSA right now would REALLY protect you? Especially since your WW appears to be charging headlong into doing things that are NOT in your legal best interest and seems to be intent on harming you, the family, and the kids. This is not a punitive move--it is a move to temporarily staunch and stop the harm that the Wayward is going to attempt to do to you. Whether you reconcile or not, it is reasonable to protect your interests. Check with an attorney to make sure I'm on the money, but I think I am.

Your faithful friend,



CJ

P.S. Regarding the "joint" counseling session next Tuesday, I believe you have forgotten and option. The two you mentioned were to tell the truth or make some changes, but you forget something HMM...WW's do have the option to lie, blame, throw up smoke screens, and in general "deny, deny, deny." Now, I suspect your counselor might be wise to some of her ploys, but she could just say, "Yeah, I'm in an affair...so what? I'm not changing." She could also say, "This person has nothing to do with our problems. It's all HMM's fault..." and in general just refuse to cooperate. You state that you are, by nature, sort of a control freak. Well you can not "make" her tell the truth or make changes! Just remember that...okay??

Our counselor is completely aware of my wife's situation. You see, this is the counselor who helped us through the last separation and OC. She feels that my wife has made progress through these trials, but there is a wounded place inside of her that she is afraid to deal with. She feels God has taken my wife to the point of dealing with this issue (whatever it is) and rather than face it, she had chosen to run.

Re: the above quote, saying I'm in an affair and I'm not giving it up, is telling the truth, isn't it?

In any case, it became a moot point because my wife rescheduled (read bailed out on) her appointment today. So her one on one is slated for next week.

I found Surviving An Affair at a local bookstore today, but my schedule didn't allow me to get it. I am going to get it tomorrow and begin drafting my letter over the weekend.

Has anyone been so bold as to post their letters in the past? I'd like to see some examples.