Rin,

I can relate to that, Wanting to be loved and not feel like your asking them to cut off right arm.

That's how I was made to feel the last couple of years. It wasn't all bad... but more bad than good if I'm real truthful with myself.

Still

Good to know Still, I think that it's been that way for the last four or five years, and even before that it wasn't what I needed but it was better than during my pregnancy for L and after that...

I hope that doesn't make me sound deperate because at the same time I don't need a man to complete me...I can't afford to cling to a man...clingy I think got me where I am...at least I can recognize that!

I don't think I was clingy in the beginning. I was very independent in college. I wonder when that changed?

I feel like I'm clingy right now....because I feel like I'm hanging on for dear life. Does that make sense?

Just wish I was at a place where I felt like I could do it no matter what happens. Just not there yet. What's more disocuraging is that I'm not goign to ahve any choice in the matter.

Still

I can understand you not feeling like you're doing it...but you are...one day at a time, just like I am...

Our STBX's are still trying to control us...it's our decision not to let that happen...it's a matter of breaking the addition from them...it's not easier but every day it gets a little easier...just look back from where you came until now...

have faith and work your program...do you have a sponsor? Are you working the steps? You have to want to want it! You have to want to recover for you...

Still, I've seen some great changes in you, especially this past week...you have been amazing! it's hard to figure out how to detach without being indifferent...but sweetie, you are laying the ground work right now...

If you're anything like me you deal with a lot of self-doubt, trusting yourself comes with time...I understand that the process ist'm fast enough for you...I felt the same way...but before you know it you'll be looking back and saying WOW, I did that!

You're going to be amazed at yourself, despite the valleys that you've had to travel through! You'll get there, just one day at a time! You're doing it! K?

Hey Rin,

I ahven't started working the steps...per se. Have been reading the daily message. At my meeting Monday I asked to talk about detachment. Need to review that agin today. I do have 2 numbers maybe I should call them,

So you do see improvement? I've felt like I'm taking a hundred steps back.

I do have a lot of self-doubt... WH has always been the major decision maker. I would depend on his opinion frequently. It worked for us. Now as I look back that's probably when I began to lose me.

I do want to recover... not sure what's holding me back.

Still

Well, i can say that in my case, i've had some self-sabbotage, like thinking about STBX and what he's doing...that's really only hurting me...as much as I'd like to think that he loves and cares for me...I have to face that he's content without us in his life...

I have alot of self-doubt...i mean alot...so, I'll make a decision or start thinking one way and then wonder it that was right...but not always and most of that is from STBX telling me that I'm naive, I worry to much, I'm controlling, I talk to much, etc.

it just takes time getting him out of my head...and little by little...day by day...i can stop believing what he has said, but I'm getting to know me...

YES, I DO see improvement in you...I've seen alot of changes in you and I understand the need to be validated...I'm like that too and after awhile that validation will come from the inside rather than the outside...

When you feel good on the inside about the things that you've done you'll know that you've done the right thing...now, if you have a lump per se...then you need to rethink and get some opinions or ideas...that lump is a red flag that something is not sitting well with you...

That's when you need to get to the bottom of that feeling..ask yourself why do I feel that way...

Self-awareness is so major...and you're right you and I have given away ourselves so much...I do alot of window shopping to figure out what I like and don't like...it's a matter of getting to know me...

like I said Still, you may not see it right now, but I think that you are headed in the right direction with handling STBX...keep that up and you will feel better day by day...life is not over for neither of us...it's just beginning...

Change that attitude to graditude...today, i'm thankful that I can share with you...today, i'm thankful that the sun is shining...today, I'm thankful for WHATEVER...no, negatives...

just a suggestion but when you start feeling low...figure out what you are thankful for...look at this D as something positive...people remarry their S all the time...that's a possiblity for your future...

Sometimes what "WE" want for ourselves is not in our best interest...trust that the good Lord knows better than you...he's testing you...just like he suffered, we are to suffer here on Earth...He suffered for us...and we're suffering for a reason too...sometimes unknown to us...

Attitude to graditude!

Rin,

Very insightful post.... alot to think about.

I know what you mean about wondering what they are thnking doing etc. This is what really is setting me back. It's feels like another rejection to think I'm not missed. When seeing him yesterday at DS appt.... thinking later ehen I wasn't really receptive was he just thinking this is why I'm so glad she's out of my life. He e-mailed me a sarcastic thanks for this morning last night. Another jab.

I need to really think why this is hurting me so much. What does it sy about me?

Now I'll get to what I'm thankful for today.

I'm thankful I have you to talk to this morning. I'm thankful for my kids.

I know deep in my heart the God has a plan and I do need to go through pain to get there. But I think I've had enough pain for this year <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Rin I see where you are today and that is the direction I want to head in. Still want to stop my D but it is in God's hands.

Still

I know that it took me a long time to understand "it's not about me, it's about him."

Don't take me wrong on this, just look at it this way...

You are not the center of the universe and to think that he's thinking about you all the time is just crazy...his world revolves around him and only him...always has...

Everything he does is for him...it's all about him...the As, the interaction with the kids, his job, his friends...

So, he's living his life for him, you need to live your life for you...this is where the codependency come in...the enmeshment! I lived my life with STBX at the center and everything else come next...

What kind of life was that? was I happy? Heck, NO! I gave and gave and gave, until there was nothing left to give. Take yourself back...one piece at a time!

Oh, and check out what Shugus (?) has to say...it might help!

love you! keep up the outstanding work and don't allow him to abuse you in any form...being allow him to blame and try to lay guilt on you...it's not your's...it's his...

you don't have to put up with this...IT'S ABUSE, STILL! Don't you think you've dealt with enough abuse?

Rin,

You're right... my world has always revolved around him and his feelings. I put him first in my life because that was what I thought M was. And like you I gave and gave.... and got angry when I didn't get anything back,

I will stop making him the center of my universe.... starting today. Starting right now. It has been abuse hasn't it ? What's even worse is that I'm still letting him do it to me. He needs to right himself with God like I do. And if and when he does I may still be there for him.

I will check out Suguhs post.

Love you to Rin.... you have helped me alot today.

Still

Good for YOU! I think that you are making a wonderful choice.

I use to think that was what marriage was too..I was extremely angry ALL THE TIME! I felt disappointment on a daily basis. it's life changing! And YES, it has been abuse!

The great thing is you can stop it and your can treat your kids not to tolerate it...if you can't do it for yourself...do it for them...that's why I chose to break the cycle...

You welcome...that's what friends are for... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It is a fantasy!!!!!!!!! My FWW and I have never agreed on a movie. The rest though we do. She hates when I scare her. Oh and I love taking Ice water occasionally and dumping it on them when they are in the shower.

LMAO...MY SD use to do that to me! That was cool!

Outside of that, good to know!

Well, I have to go get F to see if his thumb is broken or not...happened last weekend at the HN2 with his dad there...he showed it to me this morning...swollen! We will see!

I'll let you all know!

Rin,

DS14 just got his cast off yesterday for a broken pinky. It's still in a splint and he's bummed because he still can't pole vault at his last track meet.

Still

Well, we're back, we'll find out the results either tomorrow or Monday!

The doctor didn't seem to worried about it...let it up to me whether to x-ray or not...cause it could be in the growth plate...will I figured might as well, don't want to take that chance...

Poor, DS14! I feel for him!

Rin,

He's handling it pretty well. It was kind of a status thing at junior high.

Still

CHICS DIG SCARS MAN!!

Yeah, well, what kind of scars do YOU have?

Well, Where do I start.

I got a big one on my left knee that I got when I was 4 diving for a coconut in the reviewing stand. Mom was Queen of Krewe De Bonne Terre in Montegut.

Chopped my tongue off that same year jumping out of the ole man's boat. When I landed, my chin hit my knee and my tongue was sticking out. They sewed it back on.

Also that same year I broke my arm falling from the monkey bars and hit an iron BBQ pit in the neighbors back yard. Guess who shook me off?

4 was a tough year for me.

Broke my arm again when I was 8 falling out a tree in the same yard I broke my arm in the first time.

Cut my eye open when I was 16 chipping at crystals in some rock on Lake Ouachita in Arkansas. Had to where a patch for a week.

Broke a finger a few years ago trying to drill a hole in the side of a spool that was wet. Key hole saws really get torqued down in wet wood. I tried to reposition myself and that slight release of grip liked to took my finger off.

My latest is the scars left from when I went flipping down the interstate in Houston this past Nov. Arm looked like ground chuck for a while.

Is that enough?

How am I even alive?

Rin,

It is NOT a fantasy! Frog!!!...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I have to confess that I used to have images like that too Rin, and after my divorce I thought I had been fooling myself or having an unrealistic expectation...no one could really be like that!

Well, I was wrong. As the fellas here on the board are showing IHC and still right now, there ARE men out there who value family, who love children, who want to love God and love their wife...men who will cuddle up and watch a chic flick even just because it thinks it's cute how you cry (plus he cries secretly too).

I know for a FACT that men like that exist, cuz I'm married to one! I thought he was just an unreal dream, and he's not perfect (don't get me wrong) but he IS like I dreamed a man and a marriage could be like!!

Don't give up hope. It is NOT a fantasy!!!!!

Your mama bee,



CJ

CJ please do not conradict me. LOL




Two totally different things. He agreed to watch it because he loves you not because he wanted to watch the movie. LOL.

I watch chick flicks too but if I had my first choice it wouldn't have been a chick flick.

So that part is a fantasy. Trust me, when hanging out with the guys we never choose a chick flick. LOL.

There are different pre requisits for men and women for movies that just don't intermingle well.

Women love a romance, with some sad scenes that ultimately turn around when true love enters and conquers all where there is a happy ending.

Men want action, some violence and an ending scene where things get blown up for no reason. Possibly setting up a sequel. Oh and it doesn't hurt if there is a good looking women that need rescued but that is just a bonus not a necessity.

Oh and sport movies too.