BC-

I been thinking about it, it really helped alot when you added that in there...then, talking with F last ngiht was cool, b/c he was asking about selling the house in the future and he's cool with moving back in, but would like some place different later...

I can handle that...that's what I wanted to begin with...so, with your help and F's last night (he was still awake when I went inside) I started to work through that...

Can I still flip him off? I promise that it would not be outright...

Frog-


That's agreed, I do use it to move me in the direction that I need to go...it helps in a way...I guess I'm good with being angry as long as it's constructive and not destructive...


I've just noticed that it comes in waves...I really need to maintain myself the day of court...it would be so great to walk out of there feeling classy...

Well the thing is that it just can't consume you and it doesn't appear to be.

Just like any emotion it could over take you.

In his current state your STBX is a jerk. He gives you reason to be angry. So be angry. Go forward being pi55ed off knowing he could have chagned this and didn't.

Then when the day is over and you walk away release the anger.

It won't be good as you try to co parent.

I have come to relaize that I'm extremely angry about the motorcycle...F said the Mr. B brought it from a man a few weeks ago...

So, earlier after I left work, I TMed him that I would not agree to the sell of the motorcycle, that I wanted it, he gave it to me...No reply...

I didn't except one nor did I want one...I would have ignored him if he did...

MOF, I need a meeting and I've got no babysitter so they are going with me...

Well, I'm back from the meeting, we almost didn't have one, no one showed up with a key, so I drove around the corner to get one...

There was something that I heard tonight that believe it or not, will be helping me on THurs...he said I tell people all the time that "I have the right to remain silent but not the capacity!"

I talked about how angry I am right now and how I'm trying realy hard to be aware of myself, take care of myself, and how there's that one part on me that really wants to have some reverge but that's not who I am...

I talked about Sat., and how I can't do anything about him right now but that I would be able to do something soon...

Well, that's where I am the last few days...I ended up chairing the meeting...me, the wreck right now...but this special person said to me after the meeting that I have worked really hard and he could tell that over the last few months I have had more good days than bad days...

It was really great coming from him, it's great to know that "HE" sees it...I said thank you and that I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel...He sai that he knows how hard I've been working, and can see the difference...

I told him that he could go ahead and go, I still have the kids to gather up with their toys...he asked if I was sure and actually waited in his vehicle until the kids and I were out of the building and I had it locked up!

I have an Angel on my side and if I didn't I would be really bad off...

I'm going to do SOME MORE WRITING TONIGHT...

Frog, I will promise you this, I will do exactly what you said...I will walk in that court room, driven...calm, classy, but driven...and I will walk out and be happy because the worst part, I think will be over...

Then, I won't hear all the threats about the kids and everything else...I will handle this manner to the best of my ability and hold my head high...

I will have the courage TO DO WHATEVER it take to get everything that WE deserve...and I promise I WILL NOT hestiate to call the cops on his b.... a$$! ANd you know what, after the judge gives us the house, and he decides to burn it down...fine...he's going to jail and guess what Rin and the kids are set! Then, I won't have to worry about him!

SO, F*** it! Jerk? Understatement...thank you for seeing it, of course YOU knew it before I wanted to admit it!

Co-parent? HUM?

Okay, here's the lastest news: I called the cable company this morning, the balance on the account is almost $400, 60 days past due!

Good news is that it's in his name and I've been gone for more than 60 days...not my bill right?

STBX has taken the day off again, and the IL's are down, I thin from the other truck that was parked in the driveway...

I saw STBX too, he was across the street at HN1's this morning! I was polite enough to tell him he was number one while I looked in the other direction!

I really feel like I'm being backed into a corner, just like a dog...of course, how does that dog response when it feels threatened?

It tells people they're number one as it's ripping them a new [censored].

Which is what I did to STBX last night. I'll post about it on my thread as soon as my coffee's ready. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I look forward to reading about it...I have one person to go with me tomorrow and I wish I had more. I would feel so much more comfortable...

I called my uncle but he can't come...most of my friends work, along with my family and my parents are out of town!

Well, i've been making some calls...my aunt may be able to come...

I've been on the phone alot this morning but I've got this heaviness in my chest and just having some really bad thought and feeling like a bulldozer has run over me...

Please GOD DO NOT let them cancel this court date...PLEASE< PLEASE, PLEASE...

IC at lunch today...

I guess I really need some help figuring out what I'm feeling today...it's all jumbled together! It was the Il's that set this off! I know that much!

Careful, Rin.
He's going to come into court trying to make you look like the bad guy and driving past his house and flipping him off, sending too many angry TM's .... he'll twist those things around and use them against you.

"Oh, your honor, poor me .... here is mean old Rin harassing me .... obviously she's not realy scared of me since she went to dinner with me the other night .... but I'm scared of HER! She's stalking me and my parents ... and she has a gun!...."

Typical pathetic WS stuff. But he'll absolutely use it.

Anger can be useful, but you've got to be careful and not make mistakes.

-AmI.

I see your point, but I could that done without the flipping but I have to pass there...main road on the way to work!

{{Rin}}

Glad you have IC today. You need to get a good solid handle on those emotions before tomorrow

I know,,,easier said than done, right?!

However, I have 'seen' you do it before! Preparing in Full Goddess mode will help, I swear and I know E-Fernando & Mimi will back me up on that one!

STBX is certainly a #1 in my book!

Breathe sweetie - Just breathe!

It will be over soon.

I'm pretty busy this morning. I'll try to put in my 2 cents after lunch.

It's almost over. Hang in there Rin

((((Cajun Bear Hug))))

there you go. that should help.

Well, I'm getting out of here...that's for the support and the bear hug...

I just really feel like throwing up! Like the days after d-day!

I'm working on it!

Rin

Glad you have IC today.

I have a suggestion on how to shut down the whole "and she has a gun" thing. My DS19 is in Army ROTC and wants to have a gun for target practice. He is old enough to buy his own so I'm glad he asked. I told him I was uncomfortable having one in the house and his reply was "I can keep it at the police station. That's what the guys at college do with their hunting rifles."

I didn't know that was possible but-okay.

What do you think?

It's been under lock and key since day one...I wouldn't carry it around with me...and I have witnesses...two to be exact...

okay, I'm out of here! I'll be back!

Rin,

Slow, deep breaths from your belly. To give oxygen to your brain, reassurance to your heart.

You are bringing with you reality...it's your friend. Sit with it, hold and hold onto it.

You don't have to take that main road to work. There are other routes. Listen for when you hear in your head, "I have no choice"--it's a signal you're cutting out other choices to consider.

Okay if you choose the main road. Know your choice.

You're not alone...you have all of us with you tomorrow. Up to you to know it...and know to your bones, you are enough.

LA

You will be Mah-ve-lous <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

E-Fernando is also the resident MB VeeJay. This one is for you.

http://www.jasonupton.net/com/index...k=view&id=237&Itemid=365

HI, LA...It's funny that you mentioned breathing...IC gave me a card that says at the first sign of the body sensations, or fearful thoughts, change your breathing!

SHe gave me a few others on: End what if thinking, the courage to change, and how to keep stress from becoming anxiety...

We talked about a "Family Worry Jar"...

We talked about relaxing before bedtime...stop doing everything say at 8pm to get ready for bed at 10...no housework, avoid anything that may work me up, stuff like that...to sit and relax...WOW, what a task at hand...so that means avoiding MB after 8...

So, my personal goal for today is to do alot of deep breathing...

All of this is going to feel SO unnatural...

Okay, other routes, wow...well, perhaps I won't have to deal with that soon...

LOL...Oh, you can bet I'm going to find the first computer to let you all know what happens...

E-Thanks for the song, I'm listening to it now... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I do feel better, not wanting to throw up now...was able to eat something...small, but something! I have a company meeting @ 2 and still waiting to hear from my A about meeting with him!

Just got call from my A...had to fax over last paycheck stub...

STBX and A is submitting an offer...and my A will be calling me back with more info...

Concentrating on your breathing is one of the best things you can do. When you get triggered, you get the adrenaline rush and go into shallow breathing, which doesn't provide as much oxygen as relaxed, deep breathing. More oxygen to the brain = good.

Good luck with court tomorrow. We're all pulling for you.

(((Rin)))