They are submitting the offer to me this afternoon...I'm concerned!

Thank you SD!

Girl don't be - you are better than this, don't back down. Take only the offer you want and not what they give you. Even you attorney will try and make you swallow a bad pill, you decide.

Take the time and think it through.

You are so awesome that is freaks your wayward out.

He doesn't want to go to court. I can almost promise you it will be some bullchit.

Hopefully it's fair, if not, let the judge decide.

Agree. If it's not everything you want, go to court. Your WH has earned it (and SO much more).

Thanks, I needed to hear that...good thing I'm in this meeting and I have to think about it right now!

Lovely Miss Rin,

Your NOT-SOON-ENOUGH TBXH and his A KNOW that if this goes to trial, you get the house and the kids and CS and spousal...and he gets diddly squat. Therefore they are trying to hook you by showing a little bit of bait and hoping you go for it so they can reel you in. It is his LAST ATTEMPT to control the situation.

Let the cable be shut off, don't worry about his bills or listen to his "poor me" diatribes, and unless they offer you pretty much exactly what you want...don't go for it. I'm sure it will be something like, "STBXH keeps the house and can stay in it, but he will refinance by Jan. 2010 and give Rin her portion then. We promise!" Don't fall for it. Unless it is garnished from his pay, he won't honor his promises! Let the cards fall where they may with the judge.

NOW...I will warn you of this one thing. When you get a divorce, everyone loses. You hear that??? You are in a VERY good position to get the major things you want (kids, CS) and a good position to get the things you'd like (house), but in a divorce EVERYONE loses something that is valuable to them. I got my kids all the time and CS...and I lost all the rest, including a lot of money...and yeah, the stuff I had put my life's work into was valuable to me! But in the end it was worth it because the kids were safe and whatever I built from that moment forward was all mine and free from his clutches. I started with nothing, but I did okay and you will too.

I remind you of this, not to be a "downer" but just to be real. You will NOT win everything you want. That's just a fact...in divorce, both parties LOSE. But there is a GIGANTIC probability that you will win the stuff that is of utmost importance: the kids and CS.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Rin))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That's a big, ol' mama bee hug. And when you go to court tomorrow, I'll be there. So will frog and BC and chrisner and ALL of the Killer Bees. I'll be sitting RIGHT NEXT TO YOU holding your hand.

Your mama bee,



CJ

P.S. You can call if you're freaking out, okay?? I love ya remember? Just not in that lesbian lover kinda way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Offer denied!

he wants 7/7, CS was 300 to low, he wants house, slpit of deducting, split of Child care cost...

I have to be at the A's office for 8am!

That 7/7 is not a life for the kids! So, I told them what I wanted! I'll see PODS in court...I'm worked up again! I can do this!

I am also requesting that CS is garnished from his check...

Thank YOU mama BEE CJ!

Be strong, Rin!

I got this I'm feeling realy [email]d@mn[/email] good and it any happy! MOST certainly STRONG!

Rin,

Is the 7/7...seven days with you, followed by seven days with him, continuously? I ask because my sister arranged 14/14...two weeks with her, two weeks with his dad...and he seems to have grown up well these last twelve years.

I dunno. I can't imagine. I know that consistency bodes well for anyone...adult or child. Which is why so many didn't want the every other weekend stuff...shock to the system after daily routines.

Considerations are that the divorced parents have to live close enough to share the same school...or drive to and from during their weeks. Positives was that in case of emergency, the other parent wasn't too far away...they could meet at school events, athletics, ERs, church, etc.

And that way both parents got the daily grind with their kids...no Disney Daddies...both in the trenches.

Wanted to share...respect your choices. Choosing from love for your kids and not from fear of their father is tough, Rin.

Choose well, anyway!

(And as for the breathing...apparently God wants you alive and kicking for a long, long time...so he's making sure you hear about breathing...and I found out in "Change Your Brain, Change Your Life" book (Dr. Amen), that when we feel angry, we tend to breathe shallow breaths, which deprives our pulsing mind of oxygen...which lowers our resolve against AO's...by increasing our impulsivity...no wonder we get so reactive...go into old brain (deep limbic) far more than reasonable, adult area of brain...the prefrontal cortex.

So...it's science, Rin. Breathe!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

Yes..he can't handle the kids every other weekend...no meds...no baths...injury...unsafe environments...

he doesn't call the kids...the kids deserve a relationship with him but he's been a lousy dad and he hasn't gotten any better in the separation...

I'm driven right now and it's not by anger...it's about those two little boys!

Good to know on the breathing!

Edited to say: Thank you so much LA for supporting me and posting...it really mean SOOOO much to me to have you on my teeam! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just out of curiosity .... could you present an offer to him?

What would your offer look like if you made one?

In our state, the courts try very hard to get as close as possible to 50/50 parenting time if they have to decide it. You may end up really having to prove that that would not be in the interest of the kids. Your documentation, especially of his work schedule and working nights, might become really important in order to prove that.

Maybe you could keep with the EOW and add Wednesdays (or even just a dinner night on Wednesdays) or something like that. What is your meeting night -- he could be your 'daycare' so you can go to your meetings.

I'm just trying to throw out some ideas of places where you could have some flexibility or room for negotiation.

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. What time is court?

-AmI.

Rin,

Of course they came in with that offer. Realize in sales we always come in high knowing most people will want to counter offer or bargain down.

Now he asked for more then he wants with the kids and less then he wants for the money.

Your kids are too young for that and his involvement pre divorce is a big indicator.

Chances are he is asking for that much custody to lower support payments.

I am sure if you went 70/30 + the 300 more he would eventually take it.

They are just hoping you take the offer they gave you.

Remember there is no reason to be angry. You are in the drivers seat here.

Just say no I was thinking more along the lines of .....

Of course go low so you guys can eventually meet in the middle. LOL

Howdy Rin!

I wanted to throw my support in for you tomorrow!

I'm sitting in my vacation rental, reading some MB stuff while my dad and PWC do some surf-fishing.

I think you've got the wheel on this Rin, and you are going to be just fine! I think CJ has great perspective on this. Divorce yields two people who take a hit and have losses. You still may be able to swing the house and you will get some CS; just keep doing what you have--taking care of those wonderful boys.

Deep breathing exercises can be quite refreshing and help to center you. I learned about it in a college course that I took about understanding stress and tension. It can be very good, along with progressive muscle relaxation, for sleeping also...

I have to be at my lawyer's office for 8am and in court at 9...not sure when we will be called...small court room, so I imagine we will be done before lunch...if not sooner...

I am asking for no less than what STBX had done in the past...I'm holding all of the cards on this...I will be flexible after this is settled...I did tell my A that I was willing to let him see the kids a day or two during the week...

Of course, with his involvement thus far, he won't hold up to it...

Thing is I'm not backing down and I will deal with and accept whatever the court has to offer...I also hold a special little something...

It's kind of like sitting there holding a royal flush and the other person it trying to bluff you...it's just not happening...

Tonight, I do not find myself angry at all, but I am determined not to be munipulated for the selfish cause of the WH...I am determined to stand out of the way of the consequences of his actions...

I was fighting with guilt this morning, WHICH IS NOT mine to fight, so I'm handing it back to him...

I feel really grounded tonight...I came home and got my Bible out and read in Psalms...wrote down a few things that stood out for me and got really sleepy...napped for a few minutes until my Spon. called...they will be home on Sat.

I have SOOO many calls to make tomorrow...it's weird, I didn't really have anyone that I interacted with before I left...and NOW, TODAY, I have SOOO many people that I can turn to...call...go visit...

MY WHOLE WORLD has changed...I'm not stuck in the house with my world revolving around STBX...

I go whereever I want...I KNOW what I like...I KNOW what my emotions are...I have educated myself, growth and understand things in a different light...I have worked extremely hard to get where I am today and I'm not about to stop now...

I am determined today to fight for what if rightfully mine to not back down like I would have in the past...not that I'm entitled to the house any more than STBX...however, given the fact that I am primary caregiver I have a little more backing...

He has the right to live his live as he sees fit, I may not and don't like it, but he has that right! I will protect myself and the kids the best that I can! That's my job!

I honestly got to comfortable and had lost sight, but I'm back on track...he wanted to put something in one of my body parts WELL, I'm GOING TO LET THE COURT system do my RAMMING!

AmI and Frog...you guys have been with me since the beginning and I value you too very much...You both are perfect examples of the kind of people I want around me in my life...I true credit to society...Thank you for choosing to support me!

SL- Hey Sweetie, what's up? As far as the breathing...LOL...I'm actually enjoying it...it feels good! My goal is to rest and relax tonight...I've been working hard for months and NOW's the time to sit back...

Oh, and my SPon. told me to go soak in the tub with some bubble bath, so I have to MAKE THE TIME TO ACTUALLY FOLLOW THROUGH ON THAT ONE...that has been HARD FOR ME TO DO...

But, weird, again, I was just talking to IC today about how I missed soaking in the tub for an hour with the door locked and candles lite...Just being! Like Once a month or so I would so it when I was home...actually less, if I remember correctly...

Well, i've got a throw together supper tonight...let me check on it!

Rin, just doing the day to day thing, strange, this recovery thing is. Most days are okay, some good, some just kinda blah.

The blah days make me wonder if PWC can make the muster. I don't know, but I'm here, working and waiting. M recovery is baby steps that you take along with personal recovery, so it can be slow going and sometimes grueling, even annoying. Anger can creep in, when you think of all of the things that used to come so naturally in your M/R, and that is all lost. Even sitting together watching TV can require so many inner monologue. Do I put my hand on his knee or just around his neck? Do I stroke his hair or just sit close? Did this used to bother him? Did he like this? I wonder what he likes now? Hmmm, these answers will take time, until then, you kinda fumble here and there, and this is where the whole openness and honesty comes in.

I can be pretty open; I wonder if PWC still has to struggle with this? I would think this is a tough thing to do for someone who bottled most things up before. He was hard on the throttle when it came to judging others that he saw as imperfect, prior to his A, and I still see some of this behavior. I don't find it attractive; he knows this. He's probably bothered by whatever trait I have that keeps me grounded and from passing judgement on the regular. I won't say that I'm perfect, I'M NOT, but I try to see things from as many perspectives as possible before making any calls about others.

Anyway, that's how things are right now. I'm good, my son is good and life is good. I'm not much for complaining, really. I have been given the opportunity to grow and I'm taking it. I see that you are, too!

Oh, I can really relate to what you are saying...it's the whole nervousiness I guess...the decisions in your head...like the hand on the knee... I remember that so well...really fresh...

I appreciate you sharing that with me...it's good to recall...I'm positive that is what dating will feel like too...questioning if you are overstepping your boundaries...moving to fast...moving to slow...wondering kind of "if you're doing the right thing"...

And the bottling...OMG...PODS never spoke up about how he was feeling...saved it on the inside until it errupted in anger, lack of self-control...

As far as looking at it from all perspectives, I sometimes wonder if that a weakness...a downfall...becasue I DO that often....thinking how would Whoever feel if I did this...or what if that happened...trying to look at the bigger picture when "Sometimes" all we need is right in front of us...it's a struggle for me...

LMAO...Then, I'm a Libra, the scales, constantly weighting things out...back and forth, back and forth...

I commend you for what you are doing right now, the strength and courage that "THAT" takes everyday...the patience, the ability to follow through...

Serendipity, is what I say!!! This week has been extremely rough but I WOULDN'T change it for anything...we find strenght to move forth is the strangest and hardest lessons...

In comparison to this morning, I feel refreshed...no bulldozer...grounded...

I was talking with my SD this morning and said that I was a survivor and he didn't really care for that term, so I said I was a fighter and he liked that better...but in reality I am a survivor...at least in my book, I have been able to take some really harsh circumstances and use them to my advantage...

Admitting that I need help...like when I appeared on the scene of MB...I felt out of place...like I didn't belong...like no one liked me and they didn't even know me...rejected before the fact...

So, in comparison to today, that's huge mountains...in a year...no doubt...

You all are so dear to my heart, being allowed to be a part of your lives and the honor of being able to share mine...life doesn't get any better than this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

rin rin rin rin that is my rin chant


You are going to be fine tomorrow, I know its unerving, the first time I had to step into court it was numbing.

If you can maintain your composer and just go with what will happen you will do fine.

If your STBX thinks it over fast and his way let him, it will cause him to blow a gasket when it doesn't.

Here are my lesson's learned from court:

1) Always repeat what is aked of you in your head
2) if you don't understand what was asked have them say it
again
3) Never inject your thoughts about it just the facts
4) When asked a question always pause 10 seconds
- your lawyer may want to object before you say
something
5) You can always ask for a time out - go into conference
with your A and clarify any thing that you have questins


Let them sit there for an extra 30 minutes as long as you are clear on what is being asekd, offered and decided on.

Your Awesome and You Rock

Thank you...you are a sweetheart...I appreciate the pointers...A whole lot...I'm feeling really good about tomorrow...

I actually think that I will get some rest tonight...I have a few more minutes until bedtime...making myself go to bed no later than 10:30 tonight...need a clear head for tomorrow...

I've only been to court one other time, but I served on the jury, ended up being the fore"woman" and we conviced second degree murder...so, this will be different...

I am so calm tonight that I'm not use to it...I've relaxed pretty much all night...nothing stressful...soaked in the tub like I was suppose too...It's been a long time since I felt this restful...I'm going to have to run with it...

No mediation tomorrow morning, just a healthy talk with the Man Upstairs, asking for guidance for my mouth, actions, along with clear rational thinking, and self-control...

DETACHMENT IS THE KEY...Glass wall time...Let it all bounce back and I've been practicing CJ's statement..."That may be your POV but mine is different!"

Psst, did I get it right? LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I will demand that I take the HIGH HIGH ground and walk out of this thing with NO committee in my head, but silence and CLASS, BABY!

I will chit chat with my friend and my Aunt, I will be happy and laugh if I feel the need, I WILL BE ME! I will not withdraw into my shell like I've had a tendence to do...

I'm going to OWN THIS DAY! Besides, God's wrapped around me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks Again VR! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Remember this:

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Psalm 139:13-14 (NIV)
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Deuteronomy 31:6 (NIV)
Be strong and courageous.
Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you;
he will never leave you nor forsake you."

An my own verse that is "written on me"

Isaiah 41:10 (NIV)
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

You will be successful.