(((Rin)))

Honey.... stay focused and strong. I know easy for me to say. We all believe in you.

Still

Thanks Still...I'm trying really hard today...going to keep busy at work...

i should hear from my Lawyer soon about a new day...

I talked to my Uncle last night about the house that his friend has for sell...he said that his friend is going to get it appraised and sell it for that price...I haven't heard back from the bank manager...so I have somethings to look forward too...

The 1st is coming up and I'm sure that CS will not be on time again...I missed my meeting yesterday b/c I had the kids early...there's one at lunch tomorrow that I will make sure that I get too...

It's just amazing that I almost get to the end of the tunnel and I get derailed and have to take a longer route...

I updated my documentation this morning...so that's done...

Well, I'll be around, let me get on my reports this morning!

Rin,

There are a list of positives I am sure you could come up with about your M.

IE the KIDS. What I am trying to say is even the worse M has some good times.

With your STBX's personality he could push you to the edge and then reel you back in right before you fell over.

There was something within you that allowed you to accept that.

So this part of your life has taught you something about love and living.

It is very hard to see these things when you are in the middle of it. From the outside looking in it is easier.

Being away from it you can clearly see it.

Stop asking how you didn't see it sooner or how you stayed so long.

Really easy, you hadn't hit your breaking point yet.

Since you have though you are doing great.

With the STBX dropping off the kids and acting the way he is.

I am not suprised. Are you? The 7/7 is just his way to try to reduce support. Plain and simple.

Him dropping the kids early, proves it. You document it and walk into court.

So you want 7/7 why are u late to pick up and early to drop off on every other weekend then?

He wants to be in control and will probably ring the last bit of it out of you.

Remember this "people only have the power over you that you let them have."

Your best reaction to his behaviour is no reaction.

That will bother him more then anything.

He wants something from you good bad or indifferent. He wants it.

Don't give him anything. To him an angry reaction is just as good.

no Frog, I'm not surprised by any of STBX's behavior...

I list of positives aside from the kids...um?

I have assets...I went to FL...I've gone camping...I've been to Mexico...I got to kill my first deer...I met a really good friend during that time...um....um...um...

Not giving him a reaction, that's fine with me, I just as soon not have him in my life at all at this point in time...perhaps in the future when this hold mess is over I will be able to stomach him...

i don't know I'm kind of at a lose this morning...a lose for words...I see myself reverted back to some old behavior and thinking...IE...I'm a horrible person, which I know's not true...but it popped into my mind this morning...

So, I'm trying very hard to get myself right...think positive...stay focused...not easy right now...

As far as POWS, I know what he's trying to pull...that so clear...that's what suc&s...he's using the kids as a pone in his game...

Rin,

I know it is hard to do. My point is that at the time if someone said "Why are you even with him?" You could come up with some valid reasons.

The point is STOP beating yourself up about why you were even with him or why you stayed so long.

There were reasons at the time. There is nothing you can do about that now.

Next He is a putz pure and simple. If he got some IC would it help? Maybe, but in his state today dealing with you it is unhealthy.

He has LEARNED to treat you this way and he has no reason to unlearn it, especially now.

He is playing his role.

It is like watching a TV show that you really like and know all the characters. Even though it is a new episode you know what the character is going to say or do.

The funny guy will crack a joke etc. Your H's character is to be a putz. LOL.

Know that going in and you will be great.

Also know as frustrating as this is it is actually good for you in the long run.

Imagine if STBX played a different character right now. Not his true self.

He let you stay in the house with the boys. Insisted on being there all the time to visit. Taking them 7/7, giving you money, paying the bills on time etc.

He would walk into court with a fairly good chance of 7/7. Now not so much.

So his putzyness (i made that up by the way) Don't know why I am even using the word putz today anyway.

His behaviour is helping you. In this proceeding and in staying with the decesion to make him your STBX.

So at least you know what you are dealing with so you can prepare yourself.

Keep your head up rin, in the grand scheme of life it will be over in the blink of an eye.

Ah, good point...

LMAO...can I be the Venus Fly trap? Or how about Seymore's plant? I forgot the name, Little Shop of Horries...

Putz really seems ssoooo nice...LMAO

I got you on the marriage thing too...I would have said he's a good man who goes to work everyday...he's a good provider...(Surprise!)

I remember saying that FOR the LONGEST time...at least the last five years...but I got you...kind of like God's doesn't give you more than you can handle and shows you what you need to know when you need to know it!

Cool...

UM...better in the long run...I see that...what have I said to other's here...the valley always looks deeper when you're in it...but when you get to the other side, it doesn't look that deep at all...

K, I'm getting there...head up, back straight...and working on a smile...

Hi Rin

Seymore's plant was Audry II. Love that movie. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now you are getting it. LOL

So when you think back you can keep it in perspective, it is a part of your past that makes you who you are today.

Kids and all. LOL.

You know your STBX and that is probably why he is your STBX.

There is a cup from starbucks that talks about pesimists.

One of the parts is "a pessimist is rarely suprised and if they are they are happy because things turned out better then they predicited.".

Same with your STBX. Lets say it is his weekend. Be pessimistic. He won't pick them up on time and he will drop them off early. He will probably have them at the HN1's etc.

Then when he drops them off and he did one of those you can say. It Figures.

That easy.

I told you about the scorpion and the frog right. Don't be surprised by him anymore.

He seems to be self centered. The world revolves around him and that is that.

HI JT! Thanks...aha! Just call me Audry2!!!!

Self-centered...what an understatement!!! LMAO...

Easy peesy on the negative thinking with POWS....I was happy to find out that they got a bath before coming home yesterday! One less thing I had to get them to do!

I went home for lunch an took a nap...a nap is so good...wake up clear...different frame of mind, for the most part...

I have this country song going through my mind and the only think that I can sing of if is: "You find out who your friends are..." Then, the rest just fades and I can't hear the words...It's killing me...I woke up in the middle of the night with it in my head and it has to be there for a reason...

B/c I woke up from my nap with it in my head again!

I know it is hard to continue to fight this battle. I am right there with you. Weary and getting angry at the stupidity of it all. I have been dealing with this for 8 months now. You have made it 14 months! You are in the home stretch. I know it is easy to feel bitter and wonder why can't POWS be a good father. Or why couldn't POWS have been a good husband. There is no really good answer to that. He just couldn't. He is weak. That is all you can say. You are strong. Don't let him lead you into weakness. It will feed his need to portray himself as a victim. Do you know what you should do when POWS tries to bait you into anger. Nothing... and do you know why? Because if you are not there to be on the receiving end of his "punches" anymore do you know what will happen? He will fall right on his face. That is the best revenge you could ever get. POWS face down in his own muck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you and rooting for you. Remember you are a goddess.

[email]cr@p[/email], you are so RIGHT!!!

By telling him I thought he was a joke a minute, I did JUST THAT...it's been bothering me since yesterday...

Poor little POWS...my wife left me and she's proud that she did...poor me...help me...

AHAHAGAHGGGGGGG! Well, I have made it up in my mind that I will not talk to him anymore that a yes or no in regards to the kids...okay...no questions...no nothing...just go witht the flow...

Deal with the clothing issue, make notes...whatever but no MORE...and I wish I didn't have to talk to him about the kids...IE pick up times...

[email]CR@P...L's[/email] b-day is this friday...I had F call his dad on his b-day...POWS won't call, even though he knows he can if it's in regard to the kids...

Ow, maybe I call ask the sitter to call POWS for L that day! Then, I wouldn't have to deal with him...that's a thought...and I'm suppose to have L call in IL's that day too...

OKay, I'll deal with that when it comes...

Rin,

So glad to hear you say you will not engage POWS any more!

You are back on track. Yes. No. That is all he needs/deserves from you.

One day at a time, right!

You find out who your friends are,

Somebody's gonna drop everything,
Run out and crank up their car,
Hit the gas, get there fast,
Never stop to think what's in it for me,
Or it's way too far,
You find out who your friends are

Yep, back on track BUgs...Spon.'s back home to keep me in line too! LMAO

What's the name of the song and who sings it?

As far as POWS, I'll figure it out one way or another...may need a few ideas on how to deal with major darkness...

Haven't drove by the house...a little out of the way and a hassle but not doing that...

Well, Spon. gave permission to F to get on computer so I better get off...be back later! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Glad you have Spon back to help.

The song is by Tracey Lawrence with Kenny Chesney (DD's future H she says), and Tim McGraw -- you find out who your friends are is the name of the song.

After I posted I realized I missed one line, but you got the idea

Have a good night

HURRAY!

You find out who your friends are

I'm so excited...two days of in my head...thank you for helping me with that!

yep, I've missed my Spon. in the passed month...she's been gone over a month all together...I wish I could do that...especially right now...

Soon enough, I'll be planning a trip...well, I got confirmation on the bounce house today...delivery sometime between 7 and 10am...pickup DARK or right before...so the kids should be nice and tired! Go mom!

I have never done anything like this for the kids...just a small party or two before this one...

((((((((((Rin))))))))))

I have something sort of major to tell you so you might want to sit down to read this.




.....




Okay--part of how you are feeling is "normal" for someone who survived abuse. Have you ever heard the story of the frog in boiling water?? If you put a little frog into water that is boiling, they will jump right out...but if you put a frog in cool water and then gradually turn up the heat slowly, they will stay in the water until they boil to death. It's the same with those of us who survive abuse. When we jumped into our M's, the water was cool. It seemed safe, there was nothing going on that set off a red flag--and usually it was something we were familiar with from childhood abuses. Then GRADUALLY our abuser turned up the heat. GRADUALLY they abused more and more and more...and since the abuse just got a little bit hotter, we didn't see it as a change (or if we did, we explained it away in our heads). Finally, in the end, we stayed in the boiling water right up to the point of being boiled to death. To everyone else, they look at us and say, "Why didn't you just jump out of the boiling water?" Well...we didn't notice that it was getting hotter and hotter and hotter!!!

Thankfully, something happened in our lives that did cause us to jump out of the abuse. Sometimes it was reading a book about "Symptoms of Boiling Water"--sometimes it was an IC telling us, "Honey, you are in boiling water." Anyway, so we got out. THEN, we started to learn about water (abuse) and we started to realize..."OMG! I almost let myself get killed!!"

Rin, part of your anger at POWS is good. It helps you separate from him, disentangle from him, stop loving him, and confirm in your own heart that your decision to jump out of the boiling water was smart. It's like Life's little way of confirming for you that your intuition and inner voice were right. So in that regard, the anger you feel is GOOD. It's a sign that you are tearing away from your abuser.

But, dear Rin (here comes the sit down part)...


Rin, about 90% of the anger you feel is anger at yourself. How could you have been so stupid? How did you miss it? Why did you stay and let yourself be treated like that? How could you let your kids see that? Why did you let that happen to you? Why didn't you stand up for yourself? Why couldn't you see what an a$$ he was? What was wrong with you that you stayed? What meant more to you than your own self? These are the questions that are swirling in your mind because you are angry with yourself!! Why didn't you protect yourself!!!!????? Why didn't you protect your kids!!!???

Rinster, I'll be honest with you. You know me a little bit right? I'm one of the most peaceful, easy-going people you're ever likely to meet. Well...when I was D-ing my exH, I was just ANGRY!!!!!! :angry: I was so angry that I remember thinking, "This isn't like me! I'm not a bitter, hateful, spiteful person! Am I going to be like this??" and it worried me. But what happened is that I began to pull away from my exH (which was a good thing) -AND- I began to really forgive myself. I made a mistake. I believe now that I chose to marry the wrong man when I was younger. But beyond that, I made the mistake of allowing myself and my kids to be abused. But I also did the best I could at the time with the info I had. Back in the day when I chose him, I had been physically abused as a child and had never been to counseling about it--that made a HUGE difference. Then, I matured and "grew up" and he didn't--and that made another HUGE difference. I made a mistake! But I forgave myself.

So girly...be angry. It's okay. Get mad at POWS (because he chooses to act poorly and deserves anger). Get mad at yourself and really FACE how you're feeling about what you let happen to you and your kids. Face it--don't run!! And then, when you have looked the demon right in the eyes, forgive yourself. You did the best you could with what you knew back then. You have learned SO MUCH MORE NOW! You are a whole different person now--and you can choose to forgive yourself.

LOVE YA!!!





Mama Bee (aka CJ)

Good Morning CJ! I read this last night and teared up b/c I know that it's true...I left my parent's home and remember telling myself that I would not let that stuff happen to me again...

Then, waking up and facing reality was extremely hard and I am mad at him and myself...

I remember something I would think that I should have stayed in college and got my Master's verses following him but that didn't last long b/c I wouldn't have my kids...

I do regret marrying him from time to time throughtout our marriage...it was like I would face reality and then shove it to the side...honeymoon phases...and TBH, sometimes I miss being with him and I can't understand that either...

I know I made a chose to walk down that isle that day even though my insides were saying not too, but I was five months pg and I felt that was a better chose then returning to my parents (either one of them) home...

My decision, my chose...nine years...and my world became more and mroe wrapped around POWS...then, the kids, then me...I grew up and it's easy to see that he didn't...choosing to be stuck in the past of who I was and not who I had become...

My kids are the primary reason why I grew up, wanting to do better for them...POWS' A was so tramuatic for me...You know walked around shocked for the longest time...infidelity diet...hearing all the things I "didn't" but did do...like I never cooked for him...outrageous...

I was the peace maker...same thing I didn't like about my mom...I had become her...sometimes I feel like I've forgiven myself and then being where I am right now, I have to wonder...

I figure I got myself into this and I have to be the one to get myself out...and YOU can see the difference with me and the kids from when we first left til now...

I really noticed it last night...we were running in the house...the kids chasing me down the hall...I was two stepping with L and then threw him on the bed...we were all wrestleing on the floor in front of SPon. and her H...and when we first got there, for weeks, we didn't do any of that...

I know that I was really uptight and uncomfortable...now I joke with them alot, and they look at me like "who is THIS"...I know that life is better for al of us...

but then there are those days, when I have had interaction with POWS and I see SOOOO clearly WHO he is and think WHY THE HE)) did I ever marry him...I get mad at him, I get mad at me...I kick myself over and over...and that's when I have bad days...can't focus on the now...want to hand him back some of the hurt that he's given me...

It's like poking an alligator...soon enough he'll attack...that's not me...I'm not the one who looks for trouble...but I find that I want to be the one to kick him...I want to be the one that makes his world come crashing down but if I do that I know that I won't feel any better...doesn't change how I feel...

So, I have to protect me...and I'm not sure how to forgive myself yet...I can say that it was a mistake but that's one huge mistake...and then if I say that i feel like I'm saying my kids are a mistake and their not...best thing that ever happen to me those two...

So, I'm not sure how to deal with it, small portions at a time I guess...one day...

I know I wouldn't change where I am today for anything...and I can't understand WHAT it is that I miss...I sure as heck would NOT go back to him, I mean he would have to have a life/death experience...a stroke...SOMETHING to change his personality for the better...

It'll be 4 months this Thurs. that we've been gone from the house and remember how you told me that you wanted the judge to tell him he was a horrible father/husband...I'm there...I want that judge to knock him down a notch or two but I don't even think that will help...

It'll just add to "oh, look how bad the world is treating me, I haven't done anything...she leaves me and look at what I get."...and THAT PI$$es me off even more...

I can't be around him, I can't talk to him...I want to make him hurt...and that just feeds into what he needs from me...

So, just like I removed myself from the M, I have to remove myself from anything to do with him...still unhealthy for me...I want to take those sucker puches when I can, and then I feel horrible...

I just have to figure out how NOT to have the contact that I do have with him...as far as F's dentist appt. Thurs. well, I figure if POWS wants to know about it, he'll call...and L's b-day, well, he'll call...

It's not my responsibility to foster the relationship with his kids...he needed to know there was a problem with F, b/c he had to give meds...

This was the way I was handling this and lost track somewhere, well, I'm back...

I guess the rest will come with time...especially forgiving myself...

:::shrugging:::

Well, I called attorney this morning...we're waiting on the tranfer to a new division to find out court date!

I'm also gathering info on how the remaining four have ruled in the past...really to give me something to do...not like I'm worried...

But I have hada run of Murphy's law here! LMAO

I need to know what the heck is going on here.

CJ trying to cook me. You talking about Murphy. What did I do wrong to you.

Rin forget about the judges themselves.

STATUS QUO and what is in the BEST INTEREST of the children.

Guidelines for custody in your state!!!!

The love, affection, and other emotional ties between each party and the child.

The capacity and disposition of each party to give the child love, affection, and spiritual guidance and to continue the education and rearing of the child.

The capacity and disposition of each party to provide the child with food, clothing, medical care, shelter and other material needs.

The length of time the child has lived in a stable, adequate environment, and the desirability of maintaining the continuity of that environment.

The permanence, as a family unit, of the existing or proposed custodial home or homes.

The moral fitness of each party, insofar as it affects the welfare of the child.

The mental, emotional and physical health of each party.
The home, school, and community history of the child.

The reasonable preference of the child, if the court deems the child to be of sufficient age and maturity to express a preference.

The willingness and ability of each party to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing relationship between the child and the other party.
The distance between the respective residences of the parties.

AND FINALLY!!!!!

The responsibility for the care and rearing of the child previously exercised by each party.

Hey, Rin. I'm so glad you are doing well. Isn't it amazing how we grow from these incredibly painful experiences? I, too, find myself laughing often. Actually caught myself doing a little hop skip down the hall the other day. For no apparent reason at all, just felt really good in that moment. It kind of took me by surprise, I'm not usually a skipper!

Good for you on gathering information. Knowledge is power.

How do you find out what judges have ruled in the past? I'd be very interested in getting this information. Especially if I could find cases similar to mine. And ESPECIALLY if I could find any cases where the judge ruled the OP could not be around the children.

Fox